The Pram

So this weekend D and I went on a hunt for the last things we needed to get for Aiden's arrival. We got a Ferrari car seat, I think D is more excited about the car seat than he is about Aiden, a bath that we have now realised the plug in it isn't a good idea because it seems to pop open and knowing me I'll probably only realise when the carpet under my bare feet is soaking and my baby is shivering from no longer being in warm water.

Then we got a pram, a normal device to most new parents and a common occurrence in any mall, at most restaurants and when ever you can hear a small child around. 

For me it's a huge thing, I looked at it the whole weekend, I haven't even tried it out, I am avoiding the giant lime, green pram that has taken over and freaked me out.

I have pretty much always hated prams, I hate them in grocery stores and dodging them in malls. I hate those big space ship ones, like 4x4 things that take up whole aisles and are always left in the way while passing mothers chat or look at a new product. My insane hate for them came when I was waitressing at a day time restaurant. These prams would take up my whole section, we would have to move around tables and chairs for them to get through and have them exactly where the mother wished to have the positioned, I would have to try serve over them trying really hard not to spill hot tea and drop steak knifes on the babies heads. In the end if a pram came around the corner actually if children came i would start praying a hundred prayers they wouldn't sit in my section or I would happily give them over to someone else.

Prams seem so mommified to me, they scream it from the roof tops, this freaks me out. I know I'm 9 months pregnant and I should be 100% at terms with the fact that in 14 days I am about to become a mother, but not the nursery or the baby bash or the growing belly has quite put me into this realisation as much as this pram has. 

I am so excited but I have this growing anxiety after purchasing this device that shouldn't be more than a object to move my baby around in. I have just become a pram pushing mommy, I will never be 23 and free again. I am Aiden's mother and that has to come first, I will always come second not just to me but to everybody. 

Lovely Things

Aiden and I got really, really spoilt at my baby bash, I really didn't want to open presents at my baby shower because people get bored and it takes forever and I wanted to spend time with my friends and family. However I didn't seem to have a choice... I was exhausted after and missed time with people who couldn't stay long and in the end I was opening them for myself because nobody was actually watching.

I think this was hour 1....

I think he's wishing I was old fashioned and he didn't have to be doing this...

Have you ever seen a man smile about opening a winnie-the-pooh brush set....

Besides from having doing what I didn't want to do, I got amazing things, here are some of my favourite.

My lovely uncle and aunt got me the mobile of all mobiles, it plays Bach and Mozart and has all the most amazing colours!

Natasha got me this awesome Bambino Bath Ring, don't know how I'm going to wait 6 months to put Aiden in it. Definitely one of the best things about falling pregnant has been meeting and getting to know Tash.

I got a lot of blankets, but this Red Snoppy blanket is definitely my favourite.

My mom has started my favourite childrens author Dr. Seuss collection, she even got me 

"Oh,the places you'll go" - don't you just love my mother.

Most of these fabulous things come from Tash, she gave me a goodie bag full of awesomeness, in this pic are Perfumed Nappy bags - anything that hides the smell of shit are worth more than gold to me, disposable bibs - genius, dummy safety pin thing - I have watched all my friends frantically look for the dummy that just fell out of there babies mouth...a hundred times...I think I might go buy them all one, little dummies for my newborn, a silicone tooth brush to wash his gums - not sure if I need it or will use it but I love the packaging,  same packaging - it's like a dummy, with a net and you put say a orange inside then he can chew on it without choking and get used to new flavours, smart thinking. 

My baby bag - once again you have to love my mother. It's pretty and so smart and so not baby blue with Winnie-the-Pooh Poo.

It has a portable changing mat.

It came with blanket and a bottle bag and a dummy bad and a medical aid bag and a bag for dirty clothes and bibs and a pouch to keep medical history and notes, and so many compartments inside it would make your head dizzy with organisation... it made my head dizzy, I need my mom to teach me how to pack it, I normally have a big hole in my bag and chuck everything in.

I love my lovely favourite things.

Pregnancy Yucky's

Only 19 days to go before my elective C-section (yes I say it loud and proud) ELECTIVE C-SECTION, but that's another post entirely. The last few days it's been a heat wave in Jozi, need I even say more.

• So with temps ranging in the late 30's and the natural over heating of a very pregnant woman actually quite literally brought me to tears.
• Back spasms, there's this one spot that is always in pain and it goes into spasm when I sit for to long and recently while I'm sleeping.
• Heart burn, I have touched on this before but it seems to be a lot worse and would happily go back a few weeks for that heart burn because this heart burn might actually induce death, I wake up crying in pain.
• Energy, 2nd trimester I had crazy energy, I've never actually felt energy quite like it, another distant memory though and I have taken up full time napping.
• Swollen feet and calves, can anybody scream CANKLES!!!
• Feet popping out of my stomach in public.
• Foot in rib... all day.
• Dehydration
• Dry skin
• Dry hair
• Breaking nails
• Oh and the waddle.

37 Weeks Pregnant

So it's been a heat wave the last few days in Joburg, not so much fun at 37 weeks pregnant. Actually not much is. I'm officially huge, it hurts like hell when Aiden kicks, my feet went up a whole shoe size and this heartburn thing is just ridiculous.

I haven't gotten in a pool since I was a kid, but desperate times call for desperate measures and yesterday my sis and I got into our icy pool, big belly and all.

See....HUGE!!! Bleh!!!

Aiden's Baby Bash

I do know why baby showers are normally calm events with a few friends and family because wow at 8 months pregnant, 80 people, so much food and so much talking really tires you out. I was finished for days after but it was worth every moment and every penny.

I have to firstly thank my amazing mother, how she deals with me and puts up with my demands and wants is beyond me and she really should get the best mommy award ever! She politely sent me away the night before and worked her ass off to give me the best baby shower ever and she succeeded a hundred times over and beyond.

Then of course my fabulous sister and D's mom and sister and Ashley and Kaylee.

It was a great day filled with my favourite people, great food, lots of candy and lot's of love and spoiling.

I want him out

Okay so for the last 4 days I have done NOTHING, accomplished NOTHING and attempted to do NOTHING and I must say I am getting rather good at doing NOTHING. I've probably slept more hours than I have been awake and Aiden's room is still covered in gifts that I don't even know where or how to pack away. I need a system that works for me as I am one of those people who always leave cupboard doors and drawers open and never close boxes with lids. I like open organisation.

This is what I have to turn into a functioning system....YIKES!

In between delaying the process of going through that wonderful mess and beautiful things I received I have been researching ways to start labour. I was over the pregnant thing the day I found out I was pregnant so as a lot of you will protest my curiosity and the danger in some methods, you must of expected this one to come sooner or later.

1. Basil - my favourite herb and seriously doubting this one but I am going to be eating basil this weekend, just in case. 
2. Walking - I must say it makes my belly really hard and causes a hell of a lot of pain and literally puts me to sleep, baby however no.
3. Coffee - not inducing but supposed to bring pre-mature labour, I officially crush that myth, I have been drinking coffee everyday, yes I cut down but still drink it and I am hitting 38 weeks on Monday, and that's officially full term baba.
4. Sex - I'm single, lets not even talk about it.
5. Nipple stimulation - it produces some hormone that causes contractions, every 15-30 minutes for 7 hours, as I mentioned I am single and somehow finding stimulating my own nipples for so long - odd.
6. Castor oil - I heard really works, I am a naff when it comes to getting things down so probably wouldn't get very far and a friend of mine tried it and ended up in hospital, not for labour for gastro and was in for 4 days violently ill.

* If you wondering where the pictures are of the baby bash, I seriously am working on it. Transferring raw into jpeg is one thing, getting Photoshop to open to do that is another, getting someone to help is useless and still waiting on people to send me the copies of theirs from the day.

Finally just resting

I have been super quiet lately, I feel really bad but I am sure you all understand.

The baby shower was amazing and was so beautiful thanks to a lot of lovely ladies in my life. Aiden got super spoilt and only need a few more things and then I will be ready for his arrival in less than 4 weeks. I will post pictures soon, there are hundreds to go through and they all in crazy formats that I need to decifer and convert.

Aiden is growing at an alarming rate and it looks like I am carrying an alien inside me at times. Freaks me out and the people around me.

With Aiden growing so much everyday, my body is morphing into just a giant belly and it's really uncomfortable, I am trying to fight the fatigue and the death defying heart burn and enjoy the last few weeks I have of Aiden being inside me.

Blank!

I have reached a blank, seriously, I don't even feel human anymore. I'm so tired and overwhelmed and hot and fat that I can't think straight anymore.

In 4 and a half week I am having Aiden.

• I'm scared and nervous and excited and numb and so not ready for whats to come.

In 2 days I am having a HUGE baby shower.

• I have only half packed half of the Thank you gifts.
• I still have 30m of bunting to run through a sewing machine (it will be done on Saturday, just in case you loosing faith in me)
• My house looks like a colourful assortment of all things bright and beautiful, the floor is starting to disappear.
• People are coming to put up a marquee in our back yard tomorrow, and the 40 chairs will be coming for the 80 asses.
• Right now I'm either going to be wearing a black bag or going commando because this week I have turned into a watermelon and basically a black bag is all that will fit and commando sounds the most comfortable.
• I have to leave Saturday morning and give up my control to all the other woman in my life and only arrive for my party - (this scares me more than child birth)
• I have a party full of completely opposite people, two family's, old friends, new friends, church friends however if they don't behave in a nice fashion me and Tash will just be rocking the photo booth as I know she only has my best interest at heart.

I have said this before but each day my hate for pregnancy grows.

• My feet are always huge and itchy and swollen and hot
• Actually most of my body itches.
• Stretch marks here we come
• My boobs don't look the same anymore, this saddens me so much you have no idea, they were the favourite part of my body.
• I'm over emotional
• My back goes into spasms of pain.
• I struggle to get up and down.
• I have zero energy.
• I have zero memory.

But I might just make it out of all this alive.

Thrive off Chaos

I have seen so many psychologists and shrinks in my short 23 years. No seriously a good few, I also been doped up on every anti-depressant you can think of. All just made me worse and I am sadly one of those people who truly don't like anti-depressants. I don't judge you if you do take them I've just been through a really shitty ride with doctors mis-diagnosing me and putting me on and off medication so much that I ended up full blown crazy and in a hospital.

Psychologists are good though and they can't just hand you a bag of pills and say go be a zombie and pretend your problems aren't there. This all being said, just remember I am an addict and can't for the life of me think why any trained professional would put me on schedule 7 anything.

Back to the point. I learned to major things from all that money and time spent and I try remember them all the time.

One - you can't change other people opinions, you can't make a person like you and why would you want to.
This was a result of my ex-ex's mother who absolutely hated me and made my life miserable. No seriously, ever watched "Monster in Law" that lady had nothing on this woman, but we forgive and forget and it's so not the point.

This one I have seriously taken in and actually applied in my life since I heard it. I don't try to please other people, I accept peoples opinion and if I don't agree I quietly nod my head say "ja" and move on. Now Claire and Kay, stop laughing. They would call this the bitch in me but it's also why they love me so.

Two - my one doctor looked at me and said "You thrive off Chaos." Can anybody shout BINGO, lights flashing, drum rolls and all sorts of other awesome images came crashing through my head. I'm not crazy, or depressed or manic or anxious, I just don't like being bored. He said that response was not exactly what he wanted and proves his theory of me. I've never been to another head shrink since that day. I know whats wrong with me, I simply thrive off chaos.

This was his definition of what this means in my life:

When life becomes easy and I am happy for to long, I create or push myself into situations that are hard, crazy and even detrimental to me being alive. I can't choose good men because they would bore me by being supportive and standing by me and I'd probably end up crushing a good man because I would push him to see just how far I could. This creating a bad man which I wouldn't put up with because I deserve the good man. I make the same mistakes over and over because I enjoy sorting things out and solving problems and I know I can. I did drugs because I just wanted to see if I could fight addiction. I've always wanted to travel or go to boarding school or live far away from home because settling down is my biggest fear and I just need to know if I can survive without the people I love the most. When I party, I party hard because anything less than stupid and dangerous just wouldn't be fixable. I am great at getting what I want because I'll simply just take it and if it causes problems or hurts others I'll just fix it because that's what I am good at. I basically will always search for happiness and something better because I thrive when things are going wrong  and I have no purpose when I am not needing to be strong.

I think I paid the guy over R1000 for an hour to tell me all that and basically curse me for life with the fact that I'm good at living in shitty circumstances.

All this I know, and maybe a lot of things I could of avoided in my life. Maybe I do choose shitty men on purpose, maybe they just excite me. Maybe I do look for things to solve. Maybe I do things just to find out if I can make it through.

Don't worry I'm not going to tell you I fell pregnant on purpose, he said I push boundaries not that I am beyond stupid!

And to be completely honest this chaos has broken me, I don't really fell like I am making it through and if I am just barely. I'm counting down the weeks to my baby like it's going to be over once this pregnancy is over but in actual fact, it's only just beginning. I now have a situation of chaos for life and I don't feel like I'm thriving. Right now, as much as normal isn't me. Give me a husband and a mortgage and a 9-5, I'll create some chaos in that life.

This life is just a mess.

Questions with Answers

I normally have questions, well today I have some answers. Maybe there is one or two of my readers going through the same thing as me and I can share some of the things I learned today. Maybe it will be just interesting to know and maybe I can save you some money and if you need a lawyer, I'll happily pass on info on a really good one and a really nice one to.

So here are some answers:

1. Surname - it makes NO difference whose surname the child takes, it gives the parent no more rights, they can't take your child out the country without the other parents permission and if there is a custody battle in the future they don't get bonus points, basically you can name your child Daffy Nicompoop and it doesn't mean anything but that you gave your child a shitty name.
2. New law - both parents have 50% parental responsibility and access to child, meaning, you can't stop a willing parent access from your child even if he doesn't pay you maintenance, its not about you it's about the child, children need love more than shoes, I guess.
3. You can however fight for maintenance.
4. Maintenance is for your child and not to screw over a man.
5. You don't have to let your child sleep over for the first 2 years and longer if it's proven your child isn't ready. (If no bond with father exists)
6. The whole one week with father and one week with the mother really only applies with older children and when they can pretty much choose to live that way.
7. In no way, unless you are a heroin addict and clearly unfit can a man win "permanent residence" of the child.
8. A mother can't leave the country without permission but you can change cities.
9. If you can prove the man has a crazy girlfriend who is a possible threat you can limit access and even only give supervised access but cannot completely stop access until something actually happens.
10. D is a good man but is "Romantically Unstable" (Been trying to describe him for months)
11. I was not stupid to be nice and forgiving it's best for the child and there is nothing I can do about D wanting to be there, being a bitch will get me no where.
12. I'm probably going to fight with D and hate him sometimes but keeping it out of court is smart and saves money.

When I remember more I'll let you know, my pregnancy brain is in full force at the moment but all in all, it was a good day and I feel a lot better about everything. 

People are People

I have very few close friends, I have lots of friends but very few that know me inside out. Yes i write this and I am open and I am honest but it is also limited and if I had to truly write what my heart and mind truly feel. They'd either lock me up, highly medicate me, I'd loose a lot more friends and my family would be highly pissed off at me...ALL the time.

I am always being moaned at about having to many walls, being to unemotional, being cold, being detached and never letting people in, and never trusting people.

Well guess what I was right and you were all wrong!

People just use and abuse you. People disappoint you. People hurt you. People don't actually care. People are selfish. People just are people.

And I am going back to being closed off and unemotional because at least when I was that I actually remember smiling and having fun. If you don't care and if you don't bother caring if other people care you can't get hurt. If you don't let people in, they can't disappoint you.

But it's okay, my walls are going back up, I have remembered what I need to about people and how they treat each other.

I am a cold-hearted bitch, have been for years and you know what, being that has always gotten me further, kept a smile on my face, gotten rid of bull shitters and freed up all that wasted time giving people the chance to be something other than people.

One Thing Done and Dusted

Fancy'd

Okay, I'm probably slow on the intake and you all probably members and have been doing this for yonks but for those of you who are a bit slower like me. Go get Fancy'd. Now I'm a huge fan of Pinterest and have lost many hours creating mood boards for all my obsessive loves in life.

I found The Fancy, you go create a catalog of things you want and like and wish to have. Guess what sometimes when you fancy things they email you discounts for when you want to purchase them. Go waste a few hours there, lots of pretty things and things that make you smile.

Life just Happens

I have tried to write this post on Saturday, Sunday, then Monday came and that was a day of note. Then all of a sudden Tuesday and Wednesday came and went.

I really didn't think things could get worse or more crazy,  I didn't think I deserved anymore pain or heart ache, isn't it shared out or something. Sometimes you have to limit yourself to what you say out loud, limit yourself to what you share. Sometimes it's just because if you keep it in then it won't feel so real, you can pretend for a little longer that you can actually be happy in this nightmare that is your life. Then it's because it is actually you're reality and sharing it can make everything you've worked so hard to protect come tumbling down, because it's going to hurt the ones you love more than anything because you I actually just can't face it right now.

On Sunday I was begging God, I was screaming for him to listen. I didn't think anything else could happen, honestly, I didn't think I could handle anymore.

I learnt never to scream at God, never challenge him, because he'll just prove you wrong. Monday morning my mom and I were on our way to do some shopping, when we got a phone call, my dad had collapsed at the office and we had to go get him and take him to the hospital. My dad is a big man, a strong man a man of very little emotions.

I walked into the factory to find my dad covered in blood and not responding to us, he couldn't talk, he couldn't walk and he had tears in his eyes. I always seem to be there at his worst possible moments. We don't always have the strongest relationship and I tend to need to be shocked out of my mind to show people love and affection.

So I spent Monday in hospital, my dad had a stroke and doctors and hospitals are useless and never want to give you any information.

I have another bladder infection, and I am supposed to be not stressing, off my feet and trying not to have my baby before my C-section that has now been booked for the 14th November.

Because my dad has been in hospital I have had to go into work here and there to help out.

Bunting, haha, let's not even go there, I don't even know what we feeding the 80 people who are coming to my baby shower.

I need to pack my hospital bag, I don't know how many scares I have to have before I do this small but very important task.

My anti-biotics I am on make me feel absolutely awful.

I got terrible sun-burn from going out of town for a day, which makes sleeping even more wonderful.

All in all, I'm having a really crappy week.