A little time away

Any relationship is hard, its takes tons of work and patience and compromise. Being in a relationship with a toddler is a whole other ball game. Your relationship kinda skips that whole puppy love aspect as time is min and there's this little person jumping in between kisses and romantic words.

We try have one date night a week and every second weekend an entire night off from being with A, we do get time in between that but with life being so busy we haven't lately.

I randomly said that we need to get away even if it's for 2 nights, we need that time alone. Only to realise we hadn't in 6 months spent 2 nights alone together.

And so we went away, for 2 nights, to the quaint little Nullarbor Cottages in Magaliesburg.

It was a silent heaven.

And the perfect time to reconnect.

The one lots have been waiting for

I decided from the beginning that I would not discuss my relationship on this platform, as much as people want to know and as helpful as it could be to other single moms in the dating world, I am choosing to keep it private, you just need to know I am happy and extremely lucky and Aiden is happy and that's what matters.

I will say this...

It is not as easy as lets fall madly in love, rob a bank and run away together unless you remember the camper cot.

Relationships and nights out are arranged around babysitters and unforeseen illnesses.

My back is in a lot less pain thanks to the fact that I now have help with carrying around my extra being.

I now have someone hearing me swear under my breath at 2am because Aiden won't sleep and that alone feels amazing.

I have been spoilt with being able to drink my coffee in the morning in peace, I often get to pee alone and I have spent many a Sunday lying on a blanket outside while Aiden is occupied.

I have someone listening to me cry because Aiden is just becoming to much, I have someone listening when I'm worried about doctors visits, I have someone listening about teething issues and cake n candy sales, well we never sure if men are listening but I am no longer having conversations to myself about all that stuff.

There is someone playing cars with Aiden and making manly car sounds (I don't do it right, apparently)

We haven't nailed the dirty diapers yet but we are in no rush.

Dear Aiden

I wouldn't say I was the world's greatest mom but I don't think I'm adapting too badly. I can read you my son, I know when you tired, I know when you are in a playful mood, I know when you just want me, I know when you hungry and so on.

I never thought I'd enjoy playing the role of a mother but I am, I'm not saying it's easy but my love for you Aiden is so unbelievable I can't imagine not having you in my life, even for a second.

Aiden you are 4 months today, and in 4 months you have taught me so much already.

You have taught me that love exsists, not a normal cliche' love but a love so strong nothing could break it.

You have taught me patience, that the best way to handle a situation is with a calm nature, to just breath before I take on the world.

Having you in my life has shown me that it's okay not to get everything right all the time, you have allowed me to allow myself to not worry about everyone elses pain and sorrow, that it is okay to some times to just take care of myself and you.

You have given me a drive and ambition to be more than just the best I can be.

I want to make my dreams come true, so I can show you that anything is possible.

I want success so I can make sure all you're dreams can come true.

I know things are a bit of a mess at the best of times. I know we aren't a conventional family. I'm not saying it's going to be easy for you and I in the future but I can say I will do anything in my power to give you the best life possible.

Because in 4 short months you have changed my life, you have saved my soul.

A really BIG... "If"

If I ever find a decent man, so far my 3 biggest relationships have been with a drug dealer, a soul mate turned drug addict and then of course the infamous womaniser and liar. So we talking a big IF here, when I say this is what I'll wear one day at my wedding, of course my own design and my own twist but this I love, love, love. If you have never looked at Rock n Roll bride's blog, you really should. She is amazing, so amazing she turned blogging into a career.... who said I'll never do pretty and fluffy on my blog. I told you it would come some day, I do still dream you know.

Dear Aiden

I only have 10 weeks to go and if I decide to go for a C-section like I'm really considering it will only be 8 weeks. For the most part I'm content with everything and at peace with my situation but I keep thinking about how I am going to explain this mess to a child. I will only allow him to read any of this when he is much, much older and hopefully by then I haven't completely screwed him up but for now this is what I feel.

Dear Aiden

There is nothing but the truth, there is no hiding what really happened, I can't pretend this was all meant to happen and I can't tell you, that your father and I made the right decisions. Most people know how this all came about and the story of my pregnancy and most of it I have made public so far.

I do wish I could keep you from the truth, I wish I could put you in a bubble and protect you from all the mistakes I've made, all the mistakes your father has made. People are going to say things, nasty things. They are going to judge you, me and your dad. They might be mean and you might not understand what they are saying when it happens but just know I love you, your dad loves you and most of all God loves you.

When I look back now, I wish I listened to everybody, I wish I understood the love I have for you, I wish I knew the feeling of this bond that I can never let go of and never live without. I never listen to anybody, it's not a good thing so if you like me in that regard please try not to be. I was stubborn and scared and lost and I felt things that I will always regret feeling.

Your dad to, he hides his emotions just as much as I do and I know he regrets the things he did and said, he's made up for it so don't listen to what other people tell you. I already know who will try and tell you, they will try make it sound like it was all his fault but it wasn't, don't be angry at him, don't blame him, he loves you and is so excited for your arrival. We made mistakes together and were both in the wrong at some point.

As much as this is all changing my life, and I am terrified of getting it all wrong, I wouldn't take any of it back, people are going to be really mean, you might hear along the way you were a mistake, that we didn't want you, that people think you have irresponsible parents. It's not the truth not by a long shot.

The truth is, your daddy and I had a whirl wind romance and were caught up in having somebody to love after both being in bad relationships that things moved so quickly and before we knew it you were knocking on my tummy. It was sudden and a shock to both of us, we were scared of our families responses and what the world would think We were angry at ourselves, never at you. We were ashamed of ourselves, never of you. We were mad at each other and all that happened was never towards you it was just a result of fear and being lost and unprepared for what was to be.

So please don't listen to all the stories, never believe what some might say because the only mistake I made was not being able to give you all that I wanted to right from the beginning. I don't know what the future holds, but I am sorry I can't give you a conventional family, I am truly sorry your dad and I never worked out but we are friends and we will always do everything in our power to give you stability and as much love as our hearts can.

We made mistakes and I wish they would never affect you but they are going to, I know they will, and I would do anything to take that pain and hurt away but always know I love you more than anything in the world and you will probably only understand that love once you have a child of your own. I would never take anything I did back if it meant loosing you.

You've stolen my heart and you haven't even arrived yet.

Love your
MOM
xxx

It hurts

Today it hurts, it really hurts. I look forward to seeing him, I laugh when he's here and I cry for days once he's gone.

Last year this time I was planning my weekends on which parties where the best.

This weekend I'm discussing maintenance and who gets what weekends.

8 Months ago I was allowing myself to fall in love again.

Today I sat across from the father of my child who has chosen to be with someone else.

6 Months ago I gave myself to a man I thought I could trust, he walked away.

Today I was planning our lives together only we are so far apart.

4 Months ago he came back for our child.

Now I have to watch him have another whole family.

Now I feel like his dirty little secret.

Now I have to have him in my life forever.

Today it hurts, it really does. I just want to run away. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to raise a child in this mess. I don't want to share my child with another woman. I don't want to share my child like a piece of furniture with anybody.

I sit and listen to woman moan that there husband or partner don't change enough diapers. Moan that he doesn't take them to the ballet. Moan that he works to much. Moan that he wants sex to much. Moan that he doesn't cook and clean enough.

He is there, he loves you else he wouldn't be. He loves your kids. He works for you. Go to ballet with a friend, he doesn't force you to watch rugby. Have sex it's good for you. Go out for dinner and leave the dishes for tomorrow. You are the luckiest woman around. You got a good one, Prince Charming doesn't exist because which one of us are actually Cinderella.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

~Mark Twain

I found this quote at the beginning of all this and I always come back to it on my bad days. It's so true and I have proof of it.

I'm not a forgiving person normally, or I am but I am an angry person who is brilliant at holding a grudge. If you have wronged me in any way I normally let you know it over and over again. I'm sarcastic so I can even do it in a way where you don't even know I'm being mean. I'm good at guilt trips. I'm good at at causing the same pain that has been caused on me. 

It's not because I'm a horrible person, you all do it or feel it, you just don't admit it for the world to see. It protects me. It's my form of justice. You hurt me once, extra walls are placed securely all around me and you'll never get in again. 

I don't know why or how but the minute D walked out on me I CHOSE to forgive him, I CHOSE not to be angry or bitter. I CHOSE not to take revenge. I CHOSE to be nice. I CHOSE to take his nasty words and let them slide. I CHOSE to let him be part of his child's life when he was ready. I CHOSE to love his family. 

I CHOSE that a fathers love for his child and a child's need for that love was more important and bigger than any of my pain and resentment. I CHOSE my love for my child was worth the sacrifice to let go of D and his mistakes, to forget my heart ache and my betrayal so that my child can have as much love as possible in his life. 

Is it easy?  No 

Do I understand it? No

Do I sometimes want to punch him till he feels the pain he caused me? Yes

Do I cry? Yes

Do I wish he didn't do what he did? Yes

Do I sometimes want to spite him? Yes

Do I sometimes wish he never came back? Yes

It hurts like you can't believe just thinking about how it all happened, I still don't know why he chose what he chose. I ask myself what was wrong with me, what don't I have that she does. I still ask "what if." I am worried how this is all going to work out and how I'm going to fit another whole family into my life.

I do know that my forgiveness, my reaction towards his anger has calmed what could of been a really bad situation. I do know my choice in loving him despite his rejection has softened his heart and his current choices. I do know my son his going to love his father unconditionally and I never want to be the reason he doesn't get the love he needs from having a father. 

Made with Love

I had a super busy weekend and one of the main parts was we finally started on the nursery. I had so much fun doing it and it really is being made with love. Darell came, I thought he would just come do the light and stuff and go but he stayed the whole day and did more than I expected, he even impressed my mother, which must be one of the hardest things to do for any man. He's even decided the inside of the cupboard isn't up to scratch and is coming back to put in more shelves and rods. I'm getting to the stage where sitting on the floor is a thought process so it's all kind of going over my head and sometimes I just want it done but we really are having fun doing it - lets just hope my son likes it.

That belly grew in a week (but loving the boobs)