Dear Aiden

In a little over a month you will be 2 years old. Oh how time has flown by. How much you've grown and turned into this little personality brings such joy to my heart.

I never knew I could love anything or anyone as much as I do you.

People search for happiness there whole lives, they are continually looking for this extra something to complete them, they aim for all the success in the world to leave a legacy when the pass on but my boy, you are that for me. 

You are my heart and my soul, my happiness and my extra something and you are my legacy. If I do nothing else right except being your mother I will have lived a proud and complete life.

You are my little monster and watching you change everyday and learn things and grow brings such joy. Even the temper tantrums, I just sit and stare at you in amazement because you are so strong willed, so defiant, so stubborn, so passionate and so damn adorable.

I wish I could press pause for a little bit. I'm really loving the stage you in right now.

I'm really loving how I'm the only one you want right now and I'm not sure when that is going to pass. 

I love your cuddles in the morning, and your kisses good night.

I love how you say come mommy when you want me to play.

I love how you already say please and fankyou.

I even love how you pronounce sock even though it's totally inappropriate and how you simply stop everything you doing to tell us you parted (farted). 

I love how you cry weeeee when going over hills or down dips. 

I love how you point out and say yellow truck, blue car and a beebaabeebaa when you see an ambulance. 

I love your shyness and at the same time the way you embrace a whole room

I love your laugh and love for animals. 

I love your excitement and innocence. 

I love your sportiness and your musicality.

I love you.

I know I'm not the perfect mother but I hope one day you know everything I do I do for you.

Endless battles

I wish I could say I made my blog public again because my custody issues with Aiden's biological father are a bay but unfortunately we still slap bang in the middle of everything, I just decided I have nothing to hide and I will no longer live in fear or doubt. I am Aiden's mother, his primary care giver, his sole provider and his only active parent. I wake up every morning and all night to care for him, to love him, to provide for him. It's all me and I don't care what any one says, this is my child and no one will ever take that away from me.

That being said the last few months have taken it's toll on me, it has worn me out, physically, emotionally and mentally. I am tired. There have been moments where the battle has beaten me but the next day you wake up, brush the dirt off your shoulders and carry on fighting for what is right, you carry on living like there is no tomorrow and you constantly remind yourself of all the blessings you have in your life.

I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy, the pain and confusion has sent me into a state of always being clouded as everything is always running through my head. It has effected the people around me and it has forced many to even more strength and encouragement for Aiden and I.

But every morning when I wake up to Aiden's smile, his innocent laugh and his warm hugs, I know I am doing the right thing, I know my decisions are fair and are what is best for my child and for me.

I would do anything for that little boy, we all would.

Dear Aiden

You had your first operation done the other day, they cut out a little ball of gross stuff that had been sitting above your eye since you were only 6 weeks old. I was so scared for you to go under and hadn't slept well weeks before your operation and I sat there with tears in my eyes the entire time you were gone behind those doors. You were so brave and you took it better than any of us thought. Just an hour after surgery you were running around like a mad thing as if nothing had even happened. You got 3 stitches and when you woke up the next morning you had a huge swollen black eye, very hard walking around with you looking like that, everybody just looked at us as if we had been beating you. It's just another small thing we have gone through together, survived together and another great story to tell. You fill my life we so many of these and I treasure all these moments no matter if the painful or scary or those of pure joy, they in my heart and will be forever more.

Dear Aiden

My boy we are so blessed to have such amazing people in our lives, that love and support us, who encourage us and keep us going. Always remember that it doesn't matter how much money you have, what job you keep and what material objects you possess what is really important are the people around you. The ones that are always there no matter what. Your family that God gave you and the family you choose of friends and loved ones.

We celebrated Easter and my birthday this Sunday with a few of those special people and how they spoiled us and made us feel on top of the world.

Dear Aiden

You always have to be looking for the rainbow, you have to always have a little faith, you have to always be able to dance in the rain, you have to always appreciate the small things and you have to always keep going.

I will easily admit that at the best of times I can be a pessimist, I often would much rather pull the duvet back over my head and not face the day and my current problems. It's easier. It's less scary. And there's no room for failure that way.

But in all honesty it's failing in one easy step.

Because at the end of the day, things might be tough right now but I have, you have, we all have at least seven things we can be truly grateful for and those seven things are what I keep reminding myself of and those seven things keep me getting up in the morning and keep me ambitious and strong and brave.

My love you are always number one on that list and always the best reminder of how lucky I am in life and you are always a reason to keep going and keep trying.

The rest of the list in our life's right now my boy are...

our great family that help us on a daily basis,
a great man who loves us and keeps mommy laughing,
good friends that are always there with a shoulder to cry on,
I'm very blessed with a company that constantly provides for us,
you passed all medical tests,
and we looking at moving into our own home.

I can't promise you mommy is going to be sunshine and butterflies every day but every thing I do, I do it for you.

Finding the right words

I have so many half written posts saved up in my drafts, in my journals, in my little note books lying around. They all about something different but in the end boil down to the same sad truth. I'm trying not to come across as sounding angry or bitter, hurt or sad, happy and revengeful, I'm just trying to write it as it is but in a way that when and if Aiden ever reads any of this he is not hurt by it and will understand my choices.

I'm not quite sure when woman raising children completely on their own became so normal, not sure where it became a normal conversation to have when your answer is, "Oh, he bailed when I said pregnant." I'm not sure when men were raised and made to feel this is okay, it's just your flesh and blood, it's okay to walk away, it's okay to hurt an innocent child just because you are selfish and a fool.

I was once told my by sperm donor that he knows I'm strong enough to do it on my own, he knows I earn enough money to pay for my child on my own and he knows I have a great family who will give me the support I need, fair enough, I can raise a child on my own, I have proven it so far but that doesn't make what he has done right.

I sit and I see so many woman in the same position but a lot not as lucky as me and I sit and watch the struggle, I hear the tears and I see the exhaustion and the desperation for a helping hand.

I sit and wonder what I will tell Aiden one day, how do I explain it, how do I make him know it wasn't his fault, how do I make him believe it's not because he is any less worthy than the next person. Right now all I can say is, my love...

It's not okay!

It's not okay that your father isn't around.
It's not okay that he doesn't help financially.
It's not okay that he's not there at night to chase away monsters.
It's not okay that he's never heard any of your first words.
It's not okay that he hasn't seen you run and kick a ball.
It's not okay that he's not at the doctors or helping the sleepless nights.
It's not okay that you don't know his face.
It's not okay that his family won't stop to help.
It's not okay that he won't teach you to ride a bike.
It's not okay that he doesn't know your favourite foods.
And doesn't know your laugh.
Your smile.
Your kind eyes.
Your daily quirks.

It's not okay and I am sorry.

And I know that that will not take the pain away and the wonder and the curiosity but I do know that you will be okay, we'll be okay.

Dear Aiden

You one years old today my monkey, I can't believe how the year has flown by and it feels like just yesterday that they handed you to me for the first time and my life changed forever, my heart changed forever and now a year later I stand here with a full life and a full heart and you are the reason for it.

You are the sunshine in every moment of my day, your smile warms my heart and your laugh brings insane joy to my life, your personality fills a room and your naughty antics make me laugh till my stomach hurts.

Watching you grow and change over the last year has been a true blessing and if I could I would hit rewind and do it over and over again and I would never get bored, I would never need anything else.

You remind me on a daily basis what is important in life, you remind me to smile and forget my worries, you remind me to play and love each second, you remind me to stop and take care of what matters. Just by being you and being here you have sculpted my life into an incredible one.

I love watching you in water, watching your face light up, watching how something so simple can make you so happy, how you will sit there till you shiver and still want to play more.

I love reading you books and watching you point to the animals you like, and moo with the cows and kiss all the kittens you can find.

I love taking you outside so you can sit in amazement at the trees and flowers.

I love giving you your favourite food, and how you will devour a strawberry and try anything new even though you are the fussiest eater I know.

I love how friendly you are and how you smile and wave at everyone and I love how sometimes you are shy and you pull into me when you feel insecure in your surroundings.

I love how much you love your grandparents and aunty and uncle, I love the fact that you already know this is my family and I adore them.

I love your smile and how your eyes light up.

I love how ticklish you are behind your neck, behind your knees just like me and the sides of your tummy crack you up.

I love playing peek-a-boo with you and how happy you are every time I come back from where ever I am hiding.

I love how your hugs and I wait all day just to feel them.

I love you.

I am proud of you.

And I can't wait for the years to come.

People wait there whole lives searching for a person to complete them, I don't have to, because you my angel have completed me, anything else I get in life is just a bonus.

Love always

Mommy

xxx

Your First Year in Pictures

Birth

1 Month

2 Months

3 Months

4 Months

5 Months

6 Months

7 Months

8 Months

9 Months

10 Months

11 Months

1 Year