Dear Aiden

In a little over a month you will be 2 years old. Oh how time has flown by. How much you've grown and turned into this little personality brings such joy to my heart.

I never knew I could love anything or anyone as much as I do you.

People search for happiness there whole lives, they are continually looking for this extra something to complete them, they aim for all the success in the world to leave a legacy when the pass on but my boy, you are that for me. 

You are my heart and my soul, my happiness and my extra something and you are my legacy. If I do nothing else right except being your mother I will have lived a proud and complete life.

You are my little monster and watching you change everyday and learn things and grow brings such joy. Even the temper tantrums, I just sit and stare at you in amazement because you are so strong willed, so defiant, so stubborn, so passionate and so damn adorable.

I wish I could press pause for a little bit. I'm really loving the stage you in right now.

I'm really loving how I'm the only one you want right now and I'm not sure when that is going to pass. 

I love your cuddles in the morning, and your kisses good night.

I love how you say come mommy when you want me to play.

I love how you already say please and fankyou.

I even love how you pronounce sock even though it's totally inappropriate and how you simply stop everything you doing to tell us you parted (farted). 

I love how you cry weeeee when going over hills or down dips. 

I love how you point out and say yellow truck, blue car and a beebaabeebaa when you see an ambulance. 

I love your shyness and at the same time the way you embrace a whole room

I love your laugh and love for animals. 

I love your excitement and innocence. 

I love your sportiness and your musicality.

I love you.

I know I'm not the perfect mother but I hope one day you know everything I do I do for you.

I don't want another child

I get the question, "when is number 2 coming?" a lot now that I am in a commited relationship. Or other comments like "you have one you might as well have two" or "just have one now before the age gap between Aiden is too big."'

But quite honestly I dont want another child. I didn't want kids to begin with, yes I love my child with all my heart, he is my life, my joy, my sunshine and he is also all I need.

I don't have this burning desire to bare another, I am in no way broody and I love my neat and calm little family of now three.

I didn't just make this decision out of pure selfishness, I have been thinking of having another child for a while and although there have been one or two crazy moments where I thought it would be nice in the bigger picture I never see myself having another or wanting one.

My reasoning.

1. Everyone says if you have one you might as well have two. It's the same thing, if not easier. I don't believe a word of it because when I was pregnant no one told me how hard one is so I highly doubt this statement. Everyone who says that is probably doubly or triply sleep deprived or can't actually remember how hard having a kid is. And that's the thing Aiden is 2 months shy of his second birthday and he still doesn't sleep through the night and now people want me to do it again, you all mad. And lets face facts if I had number 2 it would be after I am married so lets base that in the next 3 - 4 years coz I ain't rushing and then Aiden will be 5 or 6 and I must start all the way at the beginning.

2. Financial reasons. Having a second child is selfish and stupid because I simply can't afford another one. It has taken me up to now to be standing firmly on two feet and I've finally moved out of the folks place. I just make ends meet. Plus I can give one child an amazing upbringing with great education and opportunities now I must split that between 2. Doesnt make sense.

3. Fear of the unknown. I have a child who all he has is me. I am his only parent. Yes Brad loves and adores him, yes he treats him as if he was his own but he doesnt have his own and I can honestly say I would never love another child as much as my own flesh and blood so its easier said than done and I don't want Aiden ever feeling like he isn't quite part of a family. Aiden was here first, he is my first priority. This fear may subside but for now it is my reality

4. Only child syndrome my ass. My siblings are probably going to pop out a good few, especially my sister. All my friends have kids, he goes to school and plays with kids all day, our neighbours all have kids. It's kids deluxe every where you look. He'll be fine and he'll never be lonely.

5. Its my body and its my decision. I've had a child in a pretty messed up situation. The last few years have been more than tough, I know first hand that having a child should never be a slap dash decision or an oopsie because its a little person and that little person depends on you to make smart and thought out decisions.

6. My body. Not my skinny body just my general health. I hated and I mean hated pregnancy and I still remember it clearly. I was in and out of hospital and almost had Aiden earlier than I had him. It was hard and from my pregnancy I developed hyperglycemia and I've just been diagnosed with insulin resistance. Imagine what a second pregnancy might do to me.

So unless its an act of God that I fall pregnant, my loop stays firmly in place.

I do take my hat off to woman who have more than one actually take my hat off to any mother. I don't judge those who have big families if it works for you that's great but it doesn't work for me, its not part of my goals or dreams.

I love my unconventional, unmarried, family of 3 individuals who all love each other for who we are and not for what society expects us to be. We perfect just the way we are. Why change it.

On moving out

So we moved out.

We moved in with Bradley.

Our new house still has boxes lying around.

And still tons of work to do before it looks like a home.

But I wake up in our room and because we have so much space I have a white bed set and white curtains because I can make rules like no eating in mommies room because well we have a whole house to eat in.

Its bliss.

You see at my parents place the only real space was my room which also happened to have the downstairs tv in so it was kind of like a train station for every one. I felt very suffocated.

I don't any more. I can breathe again.

I am however a tad bit homesick. A tad bit sad to be building a new life without my parents in it every step. I have moved out before, I lived in Cape Town for 2 years so it's not the shelter of home I miss it's my family.

The last few years have been super rough and having a child at home is different in the sense that they not only my immediate family but Aidens as well. They the ones who came with me to scans and rushed me too the hospital when I went into labour. They were there when I had nervous breakdowns from sleep deprivation and the ones who shared all his milestones with me.

They are my life as much as Aiden is and I do miss them and I don't want to loose that or get to busy to keep it.

So even though I have moved out, a part of me and my heart will always be there and it will always be mine and Aidens home.

If I can even be half as great a parent as mine have been I know I will have done a brilliant job.

So to my mom and dad, I love you with everything I have and I am the woman I am today because of your continuous love, support and encouragement.

Always a single mom at heart

From the minute I fell pregnant I was alone in the parenting world. I was thrown into a life I wasnt ready for, so instead of learning how to be a parent with someone to share it with I learnt how to do it alone, I never knew any different and I still dont really.

I have always done every nappy change, made every bottle, done every night duty, every bath time and so on and so on. My body, my brain and my heart became a single mom I adjusted my lifesyle to this way of thinking and I think once you've been a single mom that feeling of being one will always be there or maybe just the fear of being one again comes into play.

I met an amazing man, a man that loves not only me but my son as well. He has taken off pressure by helping with bath time, night shifts, bottle making and school drop offs. I've had more Sunday naps now than I have since having Aiden. He truly is a blessing and I am truly grateful for his love.

I still call myself a single mom though, maybe its the sense of responsibility that comes with a child, the guilt and the emmense love. Maybe because I'm not ready to share, I feel like I have done so much alone and he is mine and I'm proud of everything I have accomplished alone.

I'm hoping this feeling will subside, I'm hoping I'll be able to drop down my walls and allow him in fully and I'm hoping the fear of Aiden and I being abandoned again will disappear.

You don't get to choose

When you have a child you don't get to choose...

You don't get to choose when you want to be a parent.

You don't get to choose when you want to wake up.

You don't get to choose when you want to pee.

You don't get to choose when you want to bath.

You don't get to choose when you want to sleep in.

You don't get to choose when you can have a Sunday nap.

You don't get to choose when you'll sleep through the night again.

You don't get to choose when your kid will stop throwing tantrums.

You don't get to choose to cop out.

You don't get to choose when you having a bad day to stop being attentive.

It's a child, a child that relies on you.

He relies on your love daily.

He relies on you to bath him.

To feed him.

To dress him.

To make his juice.

To change his nappies.

To take him to school.

To fetch him from school.

To listen.

To pay his bills.

To comfort him.

To play with him.

To discipline him.

Not some days or when you feel like it, every minute of every day you are a parent and if you not ready for that don't have one. 

I have a pocket full of change

My entire life is up in shambles at the moment. In both good ways, bad ways and sad ways. Everything is changing, my life is being redesigned and hopefully in a few months it will be flowing again with routine and structure. I like plans and schedules, not a huge fan of living in the moment, I need to plan the moments and always have full control or I go a bit dilly.

First big change my darling sister left for the big USA. Now if you have read this blog for any amount of time you'll now that she is a huge part of my life and my heart. It broke my heart to say goodbye and I often cry when i think of her but as sad as it is I am happy for her and so proud that she's brave enough to follow her dreams. She's off au pairing for a family with 10 children, crazy right.

I'm taking the leap and moving out of my parents home. I have lived on my own before but not since falling pregnant. Im scared to say the least but also super excited. On top of just moving out, im moving out with my boyfriend, we have discussed our future and what it holds and it's right for us regardless if peoples judgements.

Aiden is moving school's.  This decision made me toss and turn at night for weeks. I'm worried about too much change all in one go but I'm not happy with his current school so praying I made the right decusion and he takes to everything well.

It's all a lot right now but it's all finally coming together.

I"m not a great happy writer

I haven't done a post in over a month, I open my blog every day and every day I think today I'll write something. Problem is I'm not very good at writing when I'm happy, when things are going well. Get me on a bad day and my journal is full of my deepest thoughts, I can put out sarcastic and heart wrenching posts but make me write about perfect days filled with smiles and laughs and I become rigid in my writing and it almost comes out as a step by step guide on a good day.

So here is a "step to step"post on what has been happening.

My toddler is quite literally insane or maybe he is just making me insane. I think terrible two's are starting to kick in full force and he's keeping us all on our toes all the time! He still doesn't sleep through the night and basically instead of fighting it I have just come to accept it and just continue to pray that one day before I die I'll get a few good nights sleep in and if not I guess I'll sleep a good few hundred years of my eternity in heaven.

We moving out! This I could write about, it's a bundle of mixed emotions, I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited and I'm confused. I need a good few days to actually think about it before I sit and write about what it all means to me but while I put that in the back burner of my brain, I am focusing on decorating my new home in my head.

My company is thriving, more than I expected it would in the almost year it has been officially running. I love my job, I love having my mother has my partner, I love the fact that regardless of all my failures and mistakes in life I can firmly stand proud that at the age of 25 I own a successful business that is growing every day.

I'm starting another little side project that I will share soon. It's pure passion and I'm super excited to get it going.

I'm in love. I have found 'the one' and I have my very own little happy family.

So in between packing, working, running around after a little terror I am going to try focus a bit more time to my little blog here, I miss it.

With Fathers Day looming

It's that time of the year again only this year my heart is in a whole different place. I've come to realise although Aiden's bio dad is nothing to brag about we have some pretty awesome men in our lives. My dad, who is probably the best grandpa I've ever seen. My crazy ass brother who will be the cool uncle I won't let my kid go out with after a certain age and then the man in my life, our life, who treats my boy as his own.

I have been trying to find ways to show my gratitude to Bradley on Fathers Day but without the blatantly "daddy" things as I'm not quite sure where and when that will be acceptable. We learning here daily, baby steps. Along my research I found these cards, they not particularly what I was looking for but they funny.

Happy Fathers day to all the great men who raise their children, all the miracle men who help raise other mens children and to all the single mommy's doing it alone, it's your day too!

Why I am so tired

I constantly get bombarded with "why you so tired" "why are you so grumpy" "why don't you ever go out" why why why why why...

Here's why:

5:30/6:00am Aiden wakes up, put him in bed with the TV on hoping to get an extra 30 minutes sleep
6:10am Aiden wants tea, I get out of my warm bed to make tea
6:20am Aiden is now bored and wants my full attention
- Change nappy
- Put him in today's outfit (This is a war and a game of catch the child)
- Pack school bag
- Get my self dressed and looking vaguely decent
(Doing all this with a whinny, naggy child holding onto my leg)
7:30am Take Aiden to school (This includes getting him out the house and again playing catch the child while he runs around the car laughing his ass off)
8:00am Home from drop off
8:01am Coffee
8:30am - 4:30pm work, work, work and do all necessary chores
4.30pm Go to the shop to buy food for supper
4:45pm Fetch Aiden from school
5pm - 6pm Play with Aiden outside and cook, this is a juggling act between everyone in the house and a game of tag on who gets Aiden.
By 6pm Aiden is in suicide hour mood and I am ready to jump off closest cliff
6pm Feed Aiden supper and myself (This ends in food all over the kitchen, all over me and all over Aiden as well as a game of begging Aiden to at least eat one spoon of food and resulting in me eating cold food or very little food.
6:30pm Bath time, yay, no not yay, Aiden loves to bath, my back does not love bathing Aiden.
6:45pm Dress Aiden (Another round of catch the child but this time a screaming child)
7pm Tea time
7-730pm nicest time as he cuddles and watches TV with us
7:30pm Bed Time (Favourite time of the day)
But no it's not over for me, I get to have a bath and wind down and get into my warm bed for some sleep as I close my eyes, Aiden's eyes open, and they repeatedly open all night resulting in me never having a good night sleep like all you people you want to ask me why I am so tired and then after not sleeping at 5:30am Aiden wakes up again.

And this here is a good day, because it's a work day, on weekends its 48 hours of a child who is currently in the worst phase I have encountered yet  and then you have to include breakfast, lunch, snacks, nap times (he doesnt like those), all day play time and all day temper tantrums..

So now you know, so now you can keep you silly questions to yourself.

Between the madness

Sometimes you just have to come to accept that life is just crazy, things are going to continuously go wrong, life is manic, it has it's downs but then it has it's ups and in between the madness is where you find the sweet joys of life and it's where happiness can be found.

Aiden is in a terrible phase right now, he is pushing boundaries to the fullest and he is quite literally driving me insane. He smacks and throws tantrums, he says "NO" to almost every request, he throws food and climbs on the most dangerous devices. He grabs things out your hand and throws things at your head. He is deviant. He has a temper. He is stubborn. He is exactly like me.

Along with this phase, he is talking so well, words are just flying out his mouth and he is trying to build sentences and it warms my heart. He is starting to really love you back, he gives the biggest hugs especially if he sees me crying. His eyes light up when someone wants to play ball with him and he races around on his little black bike for hours. Every morning when I walk into his room he is smiling at me and looks at me with so much joy. He is the light in my life.

My custody issues are far from over. It causes me a great deal of stress and heart ache. It's like running in the same dark, scary circle over and over again and all you do is keep ending up at the beginning again and it never ends. And with all that we have heard yet another handful of promises of visits and financial help just for it to fall away again, not that I ever believed it to be true just find it fascinating how one would waste their breath on so many lies.

I have a great man in my life, in our lives, he loves us both, and he is helpful and encouraging and supportive. He makes me laugh and he makes Aiden laugh and he always talks about our future. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and he's taken to Aiden like you can't believe. He's always there lifting me up when I'm ready to give up and always ready to help with small mundane tasks when he sees I'm exhausted. I am really one lucky girl.

Work is drowning us at the moment, but that is only a good sign, our business is blossoming and I couldn't be more proud of how far we have come in the last year. We have been truly blessed with enough work to make sure we are comfortable and besides from a week here and there where the occasionally "having a child" is extra expensive we are doing really well.

We are super busy at the moment and don't have a minute to spare and for a while our lives have just consisted of work and cuddles in bed. And I am loving every minute of it.

Photoshoot by Butterfly Fantasies

I am a happy snapper, I always take tons and tons of photo's. I am the friend people ask to snap away at their kids birthday parties and I even take photo's at all my own events, being the one behind the camera means I never get nice photo's of myself and especially with my beautiful boy. So much so people have commented how they don't think I raise Aiden as much as my sister does (oh the anger with that one). That's why when Tanya Holmes from Butterfly Fantasies offered Aiden and I a shoot I jumped at the opportunity. I love how they all so natural and not so posy and she even made me a slide show with all the best shots to my choice of song "Your Song- Elton John" that I dedicated to Aiden when he was born. Here are a few of my favourites.

 

Help me Help my mom

I got this email yesterday and that was the subject, "Help me Help my mom"

Here is a son trying to save his single mom. It broke my heart and also gave me hope that there are some amazing men left in this world and I truly hope to raise my son with the same love and compassion as clear as in this truly strong and loving family.

I have always found it so sad and so confusing how we live in a country where medical needs are based on how much money you have and how a doctor will sooner let you die if you don't have a medical aid or able to pay fees upfront.

Here is their story, I understand times are tough and if you can't donate, help spread the story or keep Heidi in your prayers tonight.

The aim of HOPE FOR HEIDI is to do exactly that - Give hope to a woman that has been put through hell through the negligence of certain medical professionals and various Hospitals/Clinics.

Heidi has one kidney.

What makes this story different from all the others?

Heidi lost a kidney in her early childhood,but it was never detected.After a medical professional detected kidney stones later in 2006,Heidi being a strong woman,took it as something to overcome as a part of her daily life,but then they saw the severity of the kidney issue,yet nothing was done.Nobody informed her of what needed to be done.

At this stage she had 98% functionality left on the remaining kidney.

It was clear the dead kidney needed to be removed or it will cause issues and damage the remaining kidney.Still nothing was done due to negligence and lack of communication.As the years progressed this caused inexplicable pain and health issues.

The dead kidney was only removed in 2010 with certain Dr.'s still questioning the validity of the case and the existence of the issues. 

After all of this the Dr.'s made no attempts to save the remaining kidney.

(Dr.'s refused to remove it even after numerous professionals advised to get it removed.Before it was removed experimental treatment was done to see if it could be revived)

Later on in 2012 a scan was done....10% functionality in the remaining kidney with a bleak outlook.

A creatine count over 700.

Very coldly and bluntly she was told that she is "too old to save" and they refused to do further tests or take blood for tests - the reason the Dr. gave? - "I know the outcome and know the case,no need to do anymore tests"

At this point she was told to "make friends" with someone in the Government or if she had a friend in Government employment to get her on their Medical Aid as it is the only hope she has (that would be FRAUD!)

She was broken..

Medical Professionals are telling her to give up or commit fraud at 49.

This is who Heidi is :

A loving single mother of 3..

A loving grandmother..

A person with unbreakable faith..

Through her constant pain Heidi refuses to sit at home - She is a full time nursery school teacher and works hard for her money. Unfortunately it is not enough for private dialysis or a qualifying and proper medical aid.

And even then she gives to others and shares what she has without hesitation.

This prompted her son to contact the Minister of Health and pushed for a resolution.

After Dr.'s threatening him with legal action if he goes public and calling the allegations hearsay,he went to the local news papers.

After media coverage of the story,only one of the Hospitals involved in this story,offered to help and the Dr.'s that made unprofessional and cold remarks were rebuked for their indiscretions.The other Hospitals refuse to reply to any communication.

FINALLY,Heidi has since received help from the main hospital in question.They are going to be doing tests and WILL put her on the Dialysis list if she needs treatment,AND if she can improve the functionality of her kidney,she might be eligible for a transplant!

So far new tests have shown a drop in her creatine levels and other hopeful signs - and these tests and remarks have been done/made by the same Dr.'s that told her to "get your affairs in order" and "you're too old too save".

She is busy trying to get fit again,as they long periods of rest and healing and hospital stays have left her unfit and in need of exercise

So today Heidi is working hard to prove the Dr.'s wrong.

This campaign is aimed to help her get what she needs to make the process easier and perhaps a little faster.

She is a wonderful human being and if you had to meet her,even with everything she is going through and has gone through,you NEVER see her without a smile on her face.

Son's email to his friends in the music industry:

Hi Everyone.

I have been in the scene for yeeeeeeaaars,as have most of you.Odds are I have jammed with some of you either in my SubRosa days,or with Christian Heath Band,or currently Nova Rise

I have seen the "Please Help" email a million times as well.

This time I'm the poor schmuck sending it out!

But it concerns the most important person in my life,and the woman who put me on this questionable planet - My Mother.

She has been butchered by "Medical Professionals" for the last 7 or 8 years and treated like midtown Joburg sidewalk trash to make things worse.

She has one kidney and it's all due to Dr.'s stuffing up and trying to cover their own asses.

Her one kidney slowly died over a couple of years (she only found out when it was too late) ,and she went through what she calls mild discomfort - when it happened,tough lady - and what Dr.'s say must have been excruciating pain.

She went to a Dr.'s that mistreated her and refused to remove it and it caused issues upon issues.

Long story short, she ended up with one working kidney with less than 12% functionality.

They basically told her she is too old to save and that she needs to make peace and sort out her affairs!

I went to the Minister of health,as I know there are patients well into their 60's receiving help (she is 49!) and made a big stink about the treatment she received and all the life threatening mess ups

their Dr.'s made.

It took ages and I have been threatened with a lot if I take it public,but I did and thank to people like Tihan @ Caxton (Roodepoort Record etc.) I got the story out there and the Hospitals are 

taking a new approach and looking into her case from scratch.

But since then she made debt as she is a Nursery School Teacher who doesn't earn NEARLY enough to have a Proper Medical Aid or recover financially  after being in Hospital for Weeks.

She's a tough and stubborn old broad,but she still has her pride and will never give up.

So my mission is to get her life back,seeing that other morons basically took her of track and almost killed her!

I started an IndieGoGo campaign,and I am trying to raise enough to try and kill some of her debt and save toward possible future procedures and whatever she might need towards her health and well being 

(ps.95% of her ttiiiinnnny salary goes towards debt she made due to all the Hospital crap and procedures and debt  she made to survive day to day after taking leave etc.etc.).

I know every Joe Schmo has his hand out there,but I can only do so much on my own.

It would mean the world to me to give back to this strong tiny little woman that which has been taken away from her over the last couple of years - her livelihood and so much more.

All I ask is for WHOEVER would be so kind,to go post a link to her FB page and/or a link to the IndieGoGo Campaign on their FB Pages or even Tweet about it..

Here are the links to the FB Page and IndieGoGo Campaign:

FB - Hope for Heidi

IndieGoGo - www.indiegogo.com

I am using every resource I have to spread the words,and if it's one thing I know,it's that the musical community rally behind it's own.

I appreciate the time that the one's that actually read it,took to do so,and I thank those who share her story and the Campaign with their own followers,friends and family.

MUCH LOVE!

(I typed fast so please ignore all the typo's and other grammatical issues ;) )

Damian Meyer

Endless battles

I wish I could say I made my blog public again because my custody issues with Aiden's biological father are a bay but unfortunately we still slap bang in the middle of everything, I just decided I have nothing to hide and I will no longer live in fear or doubt. I am Aiden's mother, his primary care giver, his sole provider and his only active parent. I wake up every morning and all night to care for him, to love him, to provide for him. It's all me and I don't care what any one says, this is my child and no one will ever take that away from me.

That being said the last few months have taken it's toll on me, it has worn me out, physically, emotionally and mentally. I am tired. There have been moments where the battle has beaten me but the next day you wake up, brush the dirt off your shoulders and carry on fighting for what is right, you carry on living like there is no tomorrow and you constantly remind yourself of all the blessings you have in your life.

I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy, the pain and confusion has sent me into a state of always being clouded as everything is always running through my head. It has effected the people around me and it has forced many to even more strength and encouragement for Aiden and I.

But every morning when I wake up to Aiden's smile, his innocent laugh and his warm hugs, I know I am doing the right thing, I know my decisions are fair and are what is best for my child and for me.

I would do anything for that little boy, we all would.

Cammy turns 2!

I'm not to sure if I will ever be giving you a sibling Aiden, right now I don't see it ever happening but that's okay because you have Cammy and seeing as he's my God son that makes him your God Brother. The other day we celebrated his second birthday, of course it was golf themed and you had a blast causing havoc left, right and center.