Endless battles

I wish I could say I made my blog public again because my custody issues with Aiden's biological father are a bay but unfortunately we still slap bang in the middle of everything, I just decided I have nothing to hide and I will no longer live in fear or doubt. I am Aiden's mother, his primary care giver, his sole provider and his only active parent. I wake up every morning and all night to care for him, to love him, to provide for him. It's all me and I don't care what any one says, this is my child and no one will ever take that away from me.

That being said the last few months have taken it's toll on me, it has worn me out, physically, emotionally and mentally. I am tired. There have been moments where the battle has beaten me but the next day you wake up, brush the dirt off your shoulders and carry on fighting for what is right, you carry on living like there is no tomorrow and you constantly remind yourself of all the blessings you have in your life.

I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy, the pain and confusion has sent me into a state of always being clouded as everything is always running through my head. It has effected the people around me and it has forced many to even more strength and encouragement for Aiden and I.

But every morning when I wake up to Aiden's smile, his innocent laugh and his warm hugs, I know I am doing the right thing, I know my decisions are fair and are what is best for my child and for me.

I would do anything for that little boy, we all would.

Fighting for MY child

Here's the problem with having a child out of wedlock, it's not the baby, that is a blessing, a blessing so wonderful and perfect that it erases all pain and regret. The problem is the ex, the man you could easily walk away from and never even think of again, yes that man is in your life till the day you die. Even if he isn't physically there, he's there, in the back of your head, the pain in your heart, in the out the blue text messages, the random phone calls and in the threats, that one day he can just walk in and see his son after months of not being there, after never paying, the fear that after all you have done he still has a right to decide what school Aiden goes to, what Religion I allow him to practice and even what clothes I put him in.

I went through pregnancy alone, I went through the terror's of a new born baby alone, I went through PND alone, I went through hospital stays alone, I have footed the bill since that plastic pee stick alone, I haven't slept in 16 months, I have changed all the nappies, made all the bottles, done all the school drops and pick ups, I have wiped all the snotty noses, read all the bedtime stories, I was there for all the first moments and all the first words, me, it was all me, this is my son, in no shape or form has Aiden had a father for the last 16 months and it makes me feel physically ill when I hear people call him Aiden's dad because the truth is he is nothing more than a sperm donor.

To say I am angry is an understatement, but wait I wouldn't call it anger, I have become numb to it, I am in disbelief that this is even happening, that I even have to fight for something that is rightfully mine, I am his mother, I am raising him, I have been raising him and now I have to proof to a bunch of strangers that my family and I is what is best for Aiden, I have to spend thousands doing this, hours doing it and hundreds of tears to get me through. 

How is it fair or just. 

He wavered his rights the minute he walked away but now 16 months down the line he can just go about and turn our entire lives upside down because somewhere along the line some fool decided to give men 50% rights to their children, any man, even though most men are dead beat dads, somebody actually made this law.

Somebody decided for my child that it's best to have an unstable, selfish, stoner father come in and out of his life. Yes that's what's best for my child apparently and if I think otherwise for my child then I must fight it and I must fight it as a single mom who gets no maintenance. 

This all makes perfect sense. 

Where do fairy-tales begin

As a little girl you dream of Prince Charming, you dream of your white dress, your little house with a picket fence or electric fencing and laser beams, you dream of a puppy or a little pink pig, you dream of having 2 children, you dream of happy Christmas mornings and family Easter egg hunts, you dream of picnic's and soccer games, you dream of the fairy-tale.

You don't dream of falling pregnant, abortion discussions, runaway dads, lonely pregnancy and being a single mom. You don't dream of the battle of bringing in two salaries, constant fear of more rejection and you sure as hell don't dream of having to fight for an innocent little person who you love more than life itself, you don't dream of being scared of loosing your child, you don't dream of the threats of having your baby taken away from you, you don't dream of custody battles, it's not only not a dream, it's not even a possibility, something so unnatural to a woman, to a mother, to a little girl, is unfathomable.

Yet here I sit in my worst nightmare, my stomach is in constant knots, my brain won't turn off for a second, my anxiety levels have sky rocketed and my heart feels like it is constantly in a state of heart break. It's only the beginning and I am already having to dig deep down to find the strength to fight this, finding the emotional stability not to loose it and wanting nothing more than to wake up and for this all to be over.