Choices

Becoming a mother has come with the greatest love I have ever experienced to some of the toughest challenges and a new found worry and guilt over every decision I make.

I love waking up next to my beautiful boy and waking up looking at his perfect little face is the perfect way to start each day.

Lack of sleep and dirty diapers are nothing when put next to the amount of joy Aiden has brought into my heart and my life.

Along with all this love and happiness I guess naturally comes the worry and confusion if you doing everything to the best of your ability. The feeling if you a good enough mother and the feeling of failure every time you don’t get something right.

Another thing is I never really had much experience with kids before my own so it’s a completely new world to me while everyone around me seems like such a natural which makes the insecurities so much more.

My biggest sadness has been the fact that I had to stop breast feeding, I think a lot of people think it’s because of laziness but I really tried and I really loved doing it but I knew I wasn’t given Aiden what he needed and that means more to me than anything I need.

I guess the biggest problem came in when I got sick and ended up in hospital and didn’t feed for almost 2 days and then it also slowed my already low supply of milk.

I ended up bottle feeding and breast feeding, which really took its toll as every feed I ended up having to breast feed and bottle feed and every body constantly telling me how he must still be hungry because I wasn’t giving him enough milk.

I know they all said it with good intentions but I guess the tears that came down when they walked out the room were unseen.

It was a hard choice but it has been one I had to make and it was in the best interest of my son. It’s broken my heart, it took me about 10 minutes to actually swallow that little pill, I just sat there with it in my hand, wondering if it was what was best, I fed him one last time and swallowed.

I guess to every one this will seem silly and I’m going to have a lot more harder decisions to make for Aiden and I in the future but this is all new to me, I’m still learning and even though I have the most amazing support structure around me and amazing people in my life. I’m still doing this on my own and through it I’m finding a strength I never knew existed inside me.

I told you so

What I'm about to tell you is going to make woman pro "natural" sing "Hallelujah" and a lot of people are going to say "I told you so" but after everything I would still choose to have a C-section.

It's been a crazy two weeks and only really got to enjoy my time with Aiden and get into the swing of the whole mothering thing this week.

So last week Sunday after a really good few days after being out of hospital and me thinking I am recovering great from the C-section, I was breast feeding and I got this terrible cramp. I couldn't even hold Aiden. I called my mom for help and she continued to feed him with a bottle. I layed there paralysed in pain, literally screaming from the pain. It felt like child birth. It lasted about 30 minutes before getting freezing cold, this during a heat wave. I didn't even think, fever, I don't know these things.

I woke up and was still in pain but not as bad and thought maybe this was just my uterus contracting. I even phoned my OB Gyn and the nurse said all woman are different and I was going in the next day so I just shrugged it off.

By late afternoon I was still feeling freezing and the pain was so bad after every feed I decided to sms my mid wife. She immediately sms'd back and told me it sounds like an infection I must go to the hospital.

Casualty phoned my doctor and he admitted me straight away, this breaking my heart, my baby, what about my baby. I couldn't imagine not being with him and I didn't care what was wrong with me.

My fever was up to 38 and they did blood work and knocked me out with sleeping pills and pain killers.

I woke up to finding out I had a liver infection.

I would have to stay in hospital another night.

Another night without my baby.

Another night not breastfeeding.

I felt like death.

I really was worried I was going to die from this infection.

The next day even though I knew and the doctor knew I wasn't ready to go home, he let me go as long as I medicate at home, take it easy and enjoy being with my baby.

The next day, truly still ill and still feeling like I would never recover, I find my cut is now infected on top of having a liver infection.

I'm home but I can't look after my own baby, I was stuck in bed and everybody doing everything around me.

I felt useless. I felt like a bad mother. I fell into baby blues.

I cried when nobody was watching. I felt like I failed. I felt like everybody thought I failed.

I am finally getting better, slowly but surely. I'm looking after Aiden more and more on my own each day and loving every second of him.

Little Aiden

The Full Story

I have been out of touch for the last 2 weeks, it hasn't been an easy and slow ride into motherhood and the last 2 weeks have had many ups and downs but all that later. This is about how the love of my life entered the world and how could I expect anything other than a surprise show up and a little bit of both worlds when it came to labour.

I had had so many scares in the weeks before and I always thought this was it and when it finally was it, I actually wasn't so sure. I never expected it on that day, really I was getting ready to see the doc the next day to find out whether he was coming out the 10th or 14th and was quite set on the 14th as still didn't have anything prepared and my toiletries were still not in my hospital bag.

We were just fetching a camper cot from my friend (see not completely prepared) and in the car I had this sharp pain, I pushed it off as another one of the scares I had in the last few weeks. I wasn't feeling great when I got home so went to lay in bed, got up a while later to get something to drink and in the kitchen had another sharp pain making me fall to the ground. My sister helping me back to the room my mom decided to phone the doctor, he said I must rather go to the hospital and get checked coz if I am in labour and I get to far I will be pushing the baby out.

So off to the hospital we go, not really thinking I could actually be having this baby I get checked out and the next thing I hear is "You a centimetre dilated", "WHAT?" I start freaking out, next thing I know the nurse is telling me I'm having a C-section at 19.30, that was in 45minutes time, D lives 45minutes away, I was not ready for a baby in 45minutes.

Unfortuantly they don't care if you ready or not, how much you crying or shaking, they begin to prep me, drip, shave, cutex off and start wheeling me off to theatre.

I was totally freaking out about D not getting there on time and so scared about the damn needle that was about to go into my spine I couldn't even think about the joy that was about to enter my life.

D literally made it just in time and was taken to get changed while I got the spinal, nothing to be scared of there, it hurt less than getting my blood taken and the effects started taking place, weirdest and best feeling ever I tell you.

I could feel them tugging and pulling and D in the my ear saying, "Gees", not really the response you want when they performing major surgery on you.

Next thing you know, Aiden is out and there's silence, no cry, not a peep, my heart stopped and then there it was his cry. They put him next to me and nothing else mattered and since then nothing else has mattered.

I met the love of my life. No pain, no person, no drama, no past and no uncertain future could or can take that feeling away.

Hello Aiden. Pleased to meet you.

Hello hi. Tash here from Raising Men. I am Aiden's Blogmother. When Jessie can't blog, then I step in and make sure that everything still runs smoothly here. Plus, if I had that beautiful baby to play with all day, then I wouldn't be anywhere near here either. Enough said.

Jess was supposed to have Aiden in a few days time, so we were all in total shock when her sister posted pictures of a newborn BABY on facebook last night. Claire and I were on chat, frantically trying to phone Jess, and I was pretty darn close to getting in my car searching all the hospitals for them. Thanks to my husband to talking me out of it. 

I got this mail from the new and gorgeous mother this afternoon, and I'd love to tell you all about it. This is from Jess:

"I started getting contractions (well, pains -I didn't know what they were), then I kind of fell to the floor in pain. My mom phoned the doctor and he said I should go in to the hospital to be checked out. He said if I was in labour and I get too far, then I'd have to push the baba out! So off we went. I thought it was nothing,  but then the nurse was all like "You're 1cm dilated" 

I phoned the doctor and the next thing they told me that I'm having a C-section in 45min!!! I freaked out! Darell lives 45min away at a safe speed! I was not ready for a baby! 

The whole thing was pretty painless and I didn't need to freak about it at all. And then I heard him cry. He was born at 19.59pm totally unexpected!! Aiden weighs 3.14kg and his length is 34cm."

Congrats Jess and Aiden. You're both so very special to me. Can't wait to see you guys with Claire this weekend! BIG LOVE

Unexpected Beauty

Aiden has become my sister's Matric art project and she has labelled him not me "Unexpected Beauty" here are some photo's of our mini photo shoot.

Back to the beginning

I went back to my very first post and have seen how far I have come and how much better things already are. If I can get though this I can get through anything.






How it all came to be


2 weeks ago I was starting to plan my awesome birthday bash, now that I was finally in my home city again after a year and a half. It was going to be big and elaborate, tequila watermelon, vodka jelly and jumping castles to name a few of my traditional birthday elements. Literally 4 days later I woke up feeling so nauseous, i did think "pregnant" but brushed it off as, "I cant possibly have symptoms a few days after the stupid night of drunken unprotected sex, right."

Well a few days went by, 4 to be exact, and I almost threw up while making noodle salad (my speciality) for a family function. Then I thought maybe just maybe, being nauseous for 4 days is not normal, lets face it but I still chose to rather believe that I was dieing of some unknown disease and actually wanted to be dieing before being pregnant. My boyfriend and I even joked about it that day....turns out none of it was that funny in the end.

The next morning I woke up to the worst feeling of "food poisoning" I had ever experianced, so I thought let me just have a smoke to settle my stomach..... oh boy, was that a mistake. It was instant, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I could picture myself turning a lovely shade of green and i clicked - OH MY GOD - I MUST BE PREGNANT.

I sent my boyfriend  message that morning telling him I think I need to get tested. Ofcoarse its only been a week so no test would be accurate, but I knew, I just knew I was pregnant. I never struggle with nausea or stomach problems and being nauseous for 6 days would be the worst tummy bug to date but I prayed and I hoped and pleaded with myself that I was just slowly loosing my mind.

I did get some tests, well my mom did, and I finally got the guts to pee on that little plastic stick on the 9th day of nausea.....it came out INVALID, still not sure what the trying to pull with that rubbish. Surely you either have a bun in the oven or not. Giving my boyfriend these results was probably mistake number one. He had a panic attack and told me he wasn't ready for a relationship.... I was like "uh no, you can at least wait for the final results before you decide to take a hike"

A couple days later I was in serious panic mode, because I just had this feeling, I needed to know and I needed to know now... only after you know do you wish you didn't know but by then it's way to late and your whole world seems to change. I knew you supposed to only take the urine test in the morning, I didn't care, when I got home from work that day. I waited patiently till I needed to pee............... and I did it and this faint line in the positive square popped up. I thought I was dreaming so I called my sister in to analyse my plastic pee stick, she's only 17 so not sure what I expected, so we both called my mom, who was busy with a household of guests to come and analyse my plastic pee stick.

"That looks like a line" she said. Everything became a blur, I couldn't breath, I couldn't move and I sure as hell could not believe I had a thing growing inside of me. Tears just started streaming down my face, no not tears, the most unflattering kind of sobs you can ever imagine started pouring out of my panic stricken, pregnant body.

I chose not to enclose this revelation with my already "chicken-shit" boyfriend, as he was picking me up to get a blood test the next day and I think I was trying to convince myself that this stupid little piece of plastic was not going to be the say so of my future. (sadly it is). The next day, I tried to wait calming for the father of my future child to pick me up to go and declare my fate. I got in the car and through the plastic pee stick at him (this was me trying to be calm) and said it's positive. The colour drained from his face so quickly I thought we would never move from that spot again.

We got to the hospital and the nurse asks a whole lot of questions. Eventually I just say, "I did a test and it came out positive" - "Oh, so you just want to know how far along you are!" - uh NO, I want you to tell me it's wrong, that I'm not pregnant and some cruel, cruel person is playing an early April fools joke on you. Alas, that is not reality and the second wait for results come into play.

We went to the closest bar, yes bar, yes I had an alcoholic drink and yes I had a lot of cigarettes but in all fairness you would to. This is where things started going pear-shaped (soon to be my bodies shape to). He started promising me a life time of love and happiness if I just have an abortion. That he would be there for me  through it all and it would only make us stronger. You see he already has 2 children at the age of 24, that he has full custody of and surprisingly he is an amazing father. So this reaction was so far fetched for me to be hearing coming out of his mouth. I told him lets just wait for the results and we'll go from there.

When that nurse said, you 3-4 weeks, those unflattering sobs started up again and this time my life seriously came crashing down around me. I was going to be a mom..... I don't like children, I'm selfish and care free and now I can't even have a damn cigarette without feeling an enormous amount of guilt. I couldn't handle it, I told the BF not to come past as I just couldn't deal with the man who destroyed my world in what a few seconds of drunken pleasure.

The next day we spoke and argued and eventually I just told him, I couldn't do it. I don't judge those who do, but personally I just could not have an abortion. I wish I could, I really do but I just can't. This is how how became single for the time being. We all hoping he will come to his sense's and be a man and accept his responsiblites if not, it will be forced on him by my maintenance lawyer and the wrath of a very scorned, emotional and soon to be fat woman.

Miss Preggy's Future

So in either 7 days or 2 days I'm going to be having a baby, I have been so consumed in being pregnant and all the bullshit that has been happening I don't think I have really thought about the future and what happens next.
To sit here and say I'm okay and not freaking out would be a lie. I am so scared and so emotional I can't think about anything else.

I really can't believe this part of the journey is almost over. I can't believe I actually got through this. I can't believe I am about to have a baby.

Everybody has told me how strong I am, how I inspire them, how my story has given them hope and strength, when most days I could easily curl up in a ball and never get out of bed. How even though I can't imagine life without Aiden I sometimes still want to run away, I wish I could have Aiden minus all the rest. How I wish I was married and doing all this the boring old fashioned way.

A lot of people have been asking me, what happens to Miss Preggy after Aiden's arrival, if I will change the name of my blog and if I will carry on blogging after. I have thought about it all. Miss Preggy really has been my escape root, Miss Preggy is so much more than a blog about being pregnant. I guess I've seen pregnancy as a learning process in my life,  a slow lesson on the toughest times and the most amazing. So I see Miss Preggy as just that, even though Aiden is coming, my journey is far from over it's just beginning and as I have no idea what comes next and I will constantly be learning and I probably have a long road ahead of me before things are even vaguely stable and probably will never be normal. Miss Preggy and it's name will stay as is.

I have organised the wonderful Natasha to post a pic of Aiden and details while I am in hospital so you are all updated on my wonderful new bundle of joy.

Jungle Juice

So a while ago Claire from ZA to CH gave me this recipe of Jungle Juice, with my energy levels plummeting I finally got around to making some. I am hectic with getting funny things down but this taste like amazing ice tea and works like a bomb and definitely will keep making it once Aiden is born and maybe just forever. Here's the recipe, go make it now, like right now.

Jungle Juice

- 1 litre clear apple juice
- 2 litres strong rooibos tea (or water, but rooibos tastes better)
- 1 sachet of the blackcurrant rehidrat (R40 for 6 sachets at clicks)
- 50 ml of Schlehen Blackthorn Berry Elixir (or even less, it's hellish expensive when you use in these quantities but it is brilliant. It's a vitamin tonic designed specially for new moms. You can get it at clicks or baby city or Pick n' Pay)

Mix it all together, it makes 3 liters. Keep in the fridge, and drink it all within 24 hours. Make a new batch the next day.

Baby Bash Memories

Finally got some more of my pictures from my baby shower...here we go.

Cupcake and cookies galore 

Popcorn and lollipops

Kiddies Area

Picnic love

Marshmallows, sherbet and wine gums

Magic lanterns

Thank you gifts

Photo Booth

False Labour and all that Jazz

So it's 12 days to my C-section on the 14th of November. With an array of emotions running through me and a lot of time to sit and think about everything continuously, 12 days is actually a long time. In actual fact it might only be 7 days, I have to go in on the 9th and then he might to decide to take him out the very next day!

That concept freaks me out some what, way not enough time to prepare myself for the whole ordeal.

I am actually not really ready for a baby.

I realised this yesterday when we thought I was going into labour.

My sisters timing of contractions

The first flesh ripping pain came when I was making tea and ended up on the floor from whatever Aiden was trying to pull off.

This was followed by a few more pain wrenching moments, that my sister was trying to time, while freaking out. She came to all my ante-natal classes and wanted to be my birthing partner, she had learned all the breathing techniques and calming methods. All of which flew right out the window, she frantically called my mom who was upstairs on her phone every time a pain came and kept repeating, "We not ready for this, oh my, I'm not ready for this."

This making me laugh hysterically, partly because it was funny and partly because she was 100% right. Everything that was running through my head that still needed to be done, like my room looking like a bomb hit it because we haven't prepared it for the arrival. My hospital bag that's still not packed and the fact that I still don't have pads because I end up just staring at them because I have no idea what I need to get because I haven't used a pad since I was 13.

Then everyone saying, does it fell like a period pain... I don't know I haven't had a period in 9 months, and I never suffered from period pains to begin with plus last year I didn't even have a cycle for like 10 months. So can someone please describe this pain in some other way.

I was feeling like someone was stabbing me in vantoosh and kindly slicing open my lower abdomen with forgetting to give me my spinal.

I had my mom trying to pack me a hospital bag while my sister is taking notes on times and descriptions of my pains, us trying to find labour descriptions in the numerous baby books I have lying around and trying to figure out what the hell is a "Bloody show" knowing I don't have that but would really like to know what to expect when it does make a performance.

Eventually deciding to just go to bed, if I am in labour I am sure I will figure it out soon enough.