Cake, Sun and Mayhem

Last year we all had babies and now we all joining in the celebrations of the first birthday madness. Chase and Caleb are cousins and born 2 days apart and on Saturday we all shared lots of sun, cake, popping balloons and flying kids on jumping castles. There's nothing quite like a 3 hour kids party to zap your energy and leave you feeling like you just climbed a mountain. All worth it and memories made that will last a life time.

Always Honoured

There's this little award going around "Thanks for Writing" and the lovely Sharon from The Blessed Barrenness nominated me. I often feel like a little kid amongst a truly spectacular group of successful and accomplished woman and I'm often taken a back by the fact that they read my blog at all and then still say things like they have 'respect' for me, makes me smile and cry because most of the time I'm completely failing at this whole parenting thing. Every time Celeste from Reluctant Mom comments on a post I almost fall off my chair, to me she is like the 'coolest' kid in class and she actually see's me. (I was a nerd at school if you haven't gathered). Then Nicki from One of the Boys sends words of wisdom or strength, and I'm so embarrassed because she must be the nicest and most positive lady around and here I am always falling flat on my face time and time again. Okay enough rambling, on with the award.

7 Things you don't know about me:

1. I hate socks, they make me feel like my feet are suffocating, I don't care how cold it is, I hardly ever wear them, actually I'm hardly in closed shoes as well, I'm a pumps and heels kind of girl.
2. It's best not to talk to me or ask me to do anything for at least an hour when I wake up, I do bite!
3. I am a procrastinator, I always get the job done, I work well under pressure, I love the feeling of tight deadlines but I procrastinate.
4. If I had the capital, I would run probably a few business's, to many ideas, to little time and money.
5. I just opened my first Pty Ltd, yes I'm proud of having a registered company, makes me feel all formal, it's called  Eleventh Hour, ever need a design, photoshoot, catalogues or just about anything. I'm your girl.
6. I'm naturally a blonde.
7. I'm cute on the outside and a bitch on the inside.

My blogs I love

I know a lot of ladies have already been nominated, like Celeste and Nicki so I would nominate them normally and Sharon would of also gotten a nomination, just putting it out there so they know I have lots of admiration and respect for them, others include:

Diaries of a white mother raising a black baby - I only discovered Melinda's blog a few months ago and it's turned into one I check on a daily basis. She is so funny and so strong, I wouldn't mind being like her when I grow up.

Remember When - I actually don't know how a person can be so nice and kind! I think Fiona was one of my first readers and I've been following her ever since I started. Surprisingly she still reads my blog and still comments and gives the best words of comfort, if I was her I would of thought this chick is crazy and blocked me. She's more than a blogger to me, I am proud to call her a friend.

.sea.ess.em.jay - Catherine gives me hope, hope that I will be okay and hope that love exists even for single mama's.

Our next big adventure - Shannon has one of the cutest babies, we also both co-sleeping parents, our kids often are doing the same crazy things or mine does them and she assures me Aiden is perfectly normal.

Spirited Mama - Also a new one on my blog roll, also one I check everyday, very funny and very honest, also such a 'nice' person, I think God skipped me in the nice department and gave others extra!

I would carry on but I know all the other ladies I would nominate already have been, have a look at my blog roll if you looking for new and awesome mommy bloggers.

Now here’s what you do and if other bloggers wish to pick this up and pass it along, here is a quick should-do list:

1. Include the award logo in your post or on your blog

2. Say 7 random things about yourself that the readers don’t know yet

3.  Nominate 5 – 10 other blogs you usually follow

4. Let the nominees know that they are nominated & include their blog-links

5. Link the person who nominated you

Mommy Matters

As you can see I am a bit behind with most things and struggling to catch up and not loose my balance. My Mommy Matters post was up yesterday already, it's all about my lack of sleep and me slowly loosing my mind - Need My Beauty Sleep.

My First Time

For those of you with a dirty mind, this is not that kind of blog and I'm sure some ladies would recommend '50 Shades of Grey' for that kind of reading.

I'm talking about my first time of feeling like I'm walking on heaven, my first time of having all my knots and muscles relaxed, my first time being pampered, my first time having an hour and thirty minutes to myself, for myself since Aiden was born, my first full hot stone full body massage.

And oh how it was wonderful.

Melinda over at Diaries of a white mother raising a black baby  organised a few mommy bloggers to get a treatment from the miracle worker Tracy , we could choose what we wanted and being a newbee I went for an normal massage. Tracy offers so many amazing treatments and all look fascinating and I will be going back for a few. Sharon from The Blessed Barrenness  got the Antaneea colour therapy one, I wanted to go for it but wasn't up to dealing with my emotional baggage just yet but it's definitely on my to do list.

Go have a look at her website and do yourself a favour book one, my mom is going for Reiki soon, I'll let you know how it goes.

Best advice I got when pregnant, "you can't look after your baby, if you don't look after you!" 

Hospital Round....I don't even know anymore

I've been thrown off balance once again and I'm thinking maybe I should just stay the over-tired, zombie, neurotic mother as it always seems to land up going that way anyways. On Saturday night Aiden ended up being rushed to hospital at 11pm because he sounded like Darth Vadar, wouldn't lie down and coughing like a 80 year old smoker. By 2am they had diagnosed him with Croup and decided that they had to admit him. Now Croup isn't in the chest it's an infection in your throat and causes the throat to swell and the only way to treat it is with nebulising with steroids to reduce swelling and basically wait it out.

I didn't go to my usual hospital out on the other side of the world so we were admitted into the Union hospital which isn't high on my list of great care. The hospital is old so it seems dirty or maybe it just is but there service is terrible and they don't give a flying fark about the mothers so the two nights I spent in there was a hundred times worse than the five I spent in Linmed.

Got to see a doctor at casualties

2am

This is the calm face before the stormy screams

4am

Kicked mom off our bed

Look at that belly

The only way he would sleep

New sleeping position

Finally in a cot on the morning we leave

Don't I look lovely

That was our bed, Aiden would only sleep on me!

Mommy Matters

It's Wednesday again, half way through the week, my favourite day, my post on Mommy Matters is up, go over and read about my moment of Barney madness, Purple and Green don't even go together and last weeks one all about how I see single motherhood, Just you and I. There are a few other amazing mommy bloggers writing over there so look around and indulge a bit!

Co-sleeping Nightmare - Night One

Maybe Aiden is a spoilt child, I'm not really sure, listening to him cry is not something I ever do. I normally pick him up or give him his dummy or do whatever he needs to make it stop. I am blessed with a child who doesn't really cry often, he never cries for no reason and is in general a happy baby.

So it started off pretty well, he passed out right after his bath and I tucked him in into his cot. He was sleeping soundly, he stirred once or twice but seemed content sleeping in his own bed. Till he woke up, I got up and gave him his dummy and walked away.

Two seconds later he was screaming blue murder and I was hiding under my blanket trying to bloke out the sound. My dear sister just looked at me and said 'I can't, I just can't!' She picked him up and rocked him a bit and I told her to put him back. He screamed and screamed and what felt like an hour but in reality was only maybe 3 minutes, I had to take him out I just did. I settled him down and put him back in his cot awake and a few minutes later he was fast asleep.

I think I was more heart broken going to sleep in an empty bed and part of me just wanted to go get him and hold on tight and never let go. I never feel alone with Aiden, he gives me the ability to ignore all the bad in my life and pretend that everything is fine. Yes I realised all this just from putting him in his cot.

I eventually fell asleep and woke to his horrifying screams at about 1.30am, I was so disorientated and confused and my word is it cold at that time of night, why I chose to do this in the middle of winter is beyond me. I stumbled more like saw my ass, tripping over all Aidens toys and finally got him. I just picked him up and held him till he fell asleep.

Then I took both of us to my bed and we snuggled till morning.

Yes night one = fail!

Co-Sleeping Nightmare

I have heard all the advice, I remember all the warnings and I have witnessed the mommy judgements first hand. I am a co-sleeper and I don't really care what any body thinks.

I am a single mom and nobody else sleeps in my bed so why can't my kid. I also had a C-section and 7 days after that was in hospital with a liver infection and had my pain meds ripped away from me and so recovery was really difficult and picking a baby up out a cot all night was impossible.

Not only that I have enjoyed having Aiden next to me and it's never been a problem until now. Now it’s turning into a nightmare and I am turning into a crazy woman and Aiden is not getting a good side of me at 2am in the morning.

I am getting zero sleep, Aiden is getting zero sleep, I wake up with a crooked neck and a bad back and I'm becoming crankier and crankier as the days go by. I know all kids are different, hell my one friends baby been sleeping through since 6 weeks and my God-son only started sleeping through at about a year after they went to a sleep therapist.

It’s been almost 9 months since I've had a full night’s sleep and I don't expect that to change anytime soon but I do know what a few problems are and I have just gotten another one added to the bill.

Aiden became extremely 'ma vas' after the whole hospital stay. He cries when I leave the room, he almost always has to sit in my lap and will want me the minute I'm back in his vision. This little habit has progressed into his sleep and its driving me literally insane.

Aiden wants me to lie facing him and he snuggles towards me, puts his legs up on my legs and holds my pyjama top and this is how he wants me to stay. I move around a lot in my sleep and when I turn over this throws Aiden into a full blown brat tantrum and he screams and smacks my back until I turn over and snuggle him again.

Last night it was war of wills between the two of us and in the end we got no sleep. I put him on the other side of the bed at one point and moved right to the edge this resulting in Aiden throwing himself at me and landing on my back, I screamed at him, I admit it, and then he was silent and sniffled a little and I caved, how can I be mad at him, all he wants is me and so I snuggled some more.

I just can't carry on anymore like this, I need sleep, I need to sleep in whatever position I feel comfortable and Aiden needs to go to his cot.

How I'm going to do this, I have no idea. I'm probably heading into a few weeks of no sleep and tons of heart break. I know in the end its what's best for both of us, this doesn't make me converted, I don't think co-sleeping is evil and think everybody should feel free to parent as the feel fit without being bashed by other mothers.

Co-sleeping worked for me until it became my worst nightmare. 

First night in his cot! Lets see how it goes...

Survival Kit

My looks have taken a great knock since I had Aiden not because of the weight I put on, I was a lucky one and never gained much, not even because my kid sucked the beauty out of me, its all probably still there, sometimes I just feel, unattractive and sometimes old.

Its ridiculous I know, I'm 24 and shouldn't feel this way, I just don't have time and when it comes to the time when I do have a moment to straighten my hair or put on heels, I couldn't be bothered.

So I have tweaked and modified my beauty regime to suit my new life style, I have found new ways to keep me pretty, even on the bad days and I do it in record time. Its in the little details that make you still feel like you and keep you remembering you are more than a mother.

Here's my survival kit.

·     Dry Shampoo - Treseme has a spray for straight hair and a mousse for curly, if you straighten your hair you can make it last a whole extra day, maybe 2 before having to wash it!

·     2-in-1 Foundation - I use Charlie, I think its the cheapest version, its a cream powder, so its base and powder in one and takes 2 minutes to apply and looks amazing.

·     I paint my toe nails - I rarely paint my finger nails unless its a wedding as a week later its always chipped and manky and a week later its probably still on coz taking it off never seems to happen. Toe nails don't chip really and if it does wear closed shoes, it makes you feel all girly with half the work.

·     Bennets Aqueous Bathtime drops - I got them for my baby shower, never used them Aiden but I always put them in my bath, I still put cream on most of the time but for those days when Aiden won't allow it, this magic solution keeps your skin soft, for reals, especially in winter, and its not oily at all.

·     Vaseline - best lip ice and longest lip gloss around.

·     Lip stainer - lasts most of the day

·     PJs that look like a tracksuit - I got these new PJ's from Mr Price that look like a tracksuit, Aidens school is down the road and I work from home and at 6.45am I would rather have 10minutes more sleep. So yes I drop Aiden off in my PJ's but no one knows.

I'm learning how to balance this thing called motherhood, slowly but surely I am nailing down little things that make the world of difference.

Love it

Your little quirks

Aiden does the weirdest things, sometimes I look at him and wonder how this strange little being came out of me.

Who doesn't love a pretty label

Aiden started crèche a little while ago, the added on stress of packing his school bags and getting him ready in the morning was piled on and the great joy of labelling all his possessions took place. It wasn't necessarily the time of labelling his things, it's actually putting ink all over his beautiful clothes (even the cheap PEP ones) and his Tommee Tippee bottles, that got to me.

I had been looking to get labels made, as at the moment I have only labelled Aiden's worst clothes, that I probably didn't buy and I send him in the same outfits all the time just so I don't have to vandalize any more of his wardrobe.

The wonderful people over at Nametapes let me design my own labels and have given me a nice little gift of 50 labels. I'm so excited and can't wait to get them and nicely iron in Aiden's name and my phone number.
It's a really easy site to use and you can design your own, with what ever colour, fonts, little pictures and frames you want. They are really reasonably priced to, go have a look see, who does't love a pretty label.

                             

nametapes.co.za  Telephone 021 790 8785  info@nametapes.co.za 

Anger wears at your soul

Eventually it all becomes too much, you can only fight for so long, you can only hold onto anger and resentment before it starts eating away at you, before it effects your life and your happiness. When you eventually stop and look at yourself you realise you became just as bad as the people who betrayed you to begin with and then you left with the guilt and shame of not being who you truly are.

I was hurt, I had my heart ripped out and torn into pieces, then those pieces were burnt and stomped on, and as I was recovering and getting okay again, the process happened all over again. The second time round, I thought screw forgiveness, screw understanding and patience; you will hurt as bad as I did, I will make sure of it. 

When need be I can be a bitch straight from the gates of a burning hell, I have words that will cut you where nobody should even tread. That's what I did, but when I saw the pain in his eyes and the hopelessness the last time round, I knew the war was over, the fight had been won and it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be.

Things are bad enough and the situation is bad enough without Aiden's parents constantly being at each other’s throats for no other reason but because we both stubborn ass's who have to be right. At the end of the day it's better to have his father there no matter how little or how much, no matter the money situation or what others think.

Truth be told, the situation is trickier than normal, my life has been hard but so has everyone else's.  At some point you have to put your big girl panties on and just deal with what it is, you have to forget what was, what happened and deal with what will be because that is your choice, you can still make things right for the future of your child.

Aiden's father is there a hell of a lot more than other dad's, he wants to be in Aiden’s life and he has even started helping with school fee's and brings a lot more stuff than before, that's what I wanted, that's what I asked for, so now it's my turn to show good faith and hold up my deal of the bargain. 

But also, I'm tired, I'm tired of a 'she said, he said' lifestyle, I'm tired of fighting about who bought that purity and who paid for that wet wipe, I'm tired of stressing about Aiden's birthday party and tired of planning on how far away I can get before I am happy again. I'll never be happy till I choose it and my son will always be between the two of us and constantly be in an environment where it's hostile and anxiety ridden.

I am waving the white flag, I am taking myself out of the war, and I’m taking all that energy and focusing it on my son and my work. I know it's not going to be easy, I know I can't take back the things I said or the tears I created, I know the road is going to be long and rocky but one day at time and one step at a time, the journey can at least be a good one, with a lot more smiling.

8 Months