You die a little inside

After you read this post or actually stop reading this post, go and hug your little ones and hold them tight, tell them you love them and appreciate every second of it because you don't know what tomorrow may bring.

The last 24 hours have been the hardest 24 hours of my life and I'm not saying that out of exaggeration or because I'm emotional drained, I am saying that because for the past 24 hours I have felt dead inside, I walked around and gone about things but everything just felt like it was moving, people were talking but I wasn't really hearing what they were saying, it didn't matter if it wasn't for sure, it didn't matter if we could fight it, it didn't matter about treatment and other recovery stories.

I was told in a one word answer that I might not get to watch my child grow up, that I will probably out live him, that I will have to watch him suffer time and time again, my life would be cut short because my heart might not have his life in full.

Lymphoma.

I can't even begin to describe the pain, how your heart just stops, how nothing else seems to matter and how you know, there is no way you could go on with life without that little being smiling at you in the morning.

All you can think of is his laugh, his smile, his bright eyes, how he holds your hand when he feels unsure, how he sticks out his belly to be tickled, how he dances to just about any beat, how his face lights up when he plays drums, how he smells, how he hugs his pillow when he sleeps, you just stop and realize  he is your life and he is the only thing that matters and that you would give up everything just to save him from any harm.

I have never been so scared in my entire life and a day waiting to see a doctor has never gone so slowly.

I have never felt so helpless.

I have never prayed so hard.

I have never bargained with God to take me instead.

I have never felt so empty.

And I have never felt so happy when the doctor turned to say, he's in the clear.

We might still not know what's wrong but I can live with the unknown better than a reality of thinking I might not have him forever.

The Wait

On our holiday little A got a lot of scraps and bruises and he kept hurting the same spots so they kept getting worse. He then got a few blisters that turned into infected sores, I brushed it off as a boy being a boy.

When we got back home, slowly his mosquito bites started opening up and becoming uzzing sores and basically it looks like my child is rotting. Off to the doctor we go, when your GP is puzzled and says she wants to rather be safe than sorry, your heart drops and you think of all the things you could of done differently, what you did wrong, what it will mean if something is seriously wrong.

I was sent to the lab immediately for blood work to check for PIDD's (Primary Immune Deficiency Disorder) and to check his White Blood Cell count. I know never to research what a test is until you know the results but I'm a mom, its my job to worry, to know what might possibly hurt my child and what might possibly come our way.

So now I sit and wait, and I sit and pray that when the results come back tomorrow they are all clear and my little A just has a bad case of zombie rots. And I also sit and wait and prepare my heart and mind for if the results come back with bad news and we have to fight a life long illness.

My minds racing and my heart is hurting and I'm wishing I could take all the pain and suffering my child will ever face onto myself.

 

I'm a survivor

I have officially survived my first round of school holidays.

I never understood growing up why I always heard moms moan about school holidays, why on earth would any one not want school holidays or want them shorter. I now know why.

Don't get me wrong I love the festive season and I love spending them with my boy however the last 3 weeks have been the most tiring and sent me to breaking point a good few times.

It didn't help that we worked right through and so my entire family have been stuck in the house the whole time and after a week we were all sick of each other and passing A to who ever was willing to do the next hour and all counting down the days till 7 January when A would start school again.

7 January finally came around and A was up at his usual 5.30, I hunted for school bags and communication books and got him looking all handsome for his first day of school and I was beyond ecstatic to get him there at opening and come home and crawl into bed and hibernate for the day.

I drove into the school, a deserted parking lot stood before me and my heart sank. I parked my car and just stared at the closed doors and couldn't believe how I got the date wrong. I looked back at A and looked back at the door and just broke. Yes I cried, I cried that I had to spend another full day looking after my child because I will easily admit I am no superwoman and I am tired, emotionally, physically and mentally.

I did however survive the day, barely but we both made it out alive and this morning I was the first parent waiting for the doors to open and I came home and got to crawl back into bed.

What 2012 taught me

The last year has been one of the hardest so far and if I think back to a year ago today I never believed I would make it through, I never saw the strength I had or knew I had the determination to turns things around. I didn't know how the pain would subside, the anger would fade or how I would find happiness again and I never thought I would be able to raise a child on my own.

I lost everything so quickly and I gave up so much, at the beginning of 2012 I believed I had nothing and I was ready to never get up again.

But I couldn't because every morning when I woke up, I woke up to an innocent smile, a joyful laugh and the biggest, most beautiful blues eyes and I knew if not for me at least for him.

Happiness is a choice and how your life turns out is in nobody's hands but yours, strength doesn't come from life going well, its found when you in the darkest times and only you can climb your way out.

Success isn't having fancy cars or a big house and a wallet full of cash, its making something that you are proud of, success is when you can finally appreciate the little things in life and success is when you learn to love with no conditions.

Forgiveness is not for the one who hurt you, its for your own heart and your own peace, its so you can let go and move on, so you can no longer live in pain and resentment, forgiveness heals your soul.

Not only accepting who you are and what you have in life but being content in it and showing the people who matter that they are important so that every day, no matter how simple it is, it is lived to the fullest.

My life has changed, and once I thought I didn't want it to but now I can see why things happened the way they did. Today as I start 2013, I am stronger, I am smarter, I am kinder and I am more understanding, I love life no matter how hard it gets and I love more deeply, all the pain and all the heart ache and all the tears made me who I am today and I couldn't be more proud.

I am a single mom but I'm a damn good one, I lost one dream only to find a better one, friends walked away but gained so many more true ones, I gave up ever giving my heart to any one else only to have someone great walk into my life unexpected and accept me for who I am, I didn't appreciate family now I would never choose anything over them, I went from being selfish and wild and now I value my kindness and calmness of life, things change, life changes and I changed.