Dear Aiden

In a little over a month you will be 2 years old. Oh how time has flown by. How much you've grown and turned into this little personality brings such joy to my heart.

I never knew I could love anything or anyone as much as I do you.

People search for happiness there whole lives, they are continually looking for this extra something to complete them, they aim for all the success in the world to leave a legacy when the pass on but my boy, you are that for me. 

You are my heart and my soul, my happiness and my extra something and you are my legacy. If I do nothing else right except being your mother I will have lived a proud and complete life.

You are my little monster and watching you change everyday and learn things and grow brings such joy. Even the temper tantrums, I just sit and stare at you in amazement because you are so strong willed, so defiant, so stubborn, so passionate and so damn adorable.

I wish I could press pause for a little bit. I'm really loving the stage you in right now.

I'm really loving how I'm the only one you want right now and I'm not sure when that is going to pass. 

I love your cuddles in the morning, and your kisses good night.

I love how you say come mommy when you want me to play.

I love how you already say please and fankyou.

I even love how you pronounce sock even though it's totally inappropriate and how you simply stop everything you doing to tell us you parted (farted). 

I love how you cry weeeee when going over hills or down dips. 

I love how you point out and say yellow truck, blue car and a beebaabeebaa when you see an ambulance. 

I love your shyness and at the same time the way you embrace a whole room

I love your laugh and love for animals. 

I love your excitement and innocence. 

I love your sportiness and your musicality.

I love you.

I know I'm not the perfect mother but I hope one day you know everything I do I do for you.

I don't want another child

I get the question, "when is number 2 coming?" a lot now that I am in a commited relationship. Or other comments like "you have one you might as well have two" or "just have one now before the age gap between Aiden is too big."'

But quite honestly I dont want another child. I didn't want kids to begin with, yes I love my child with all my heart, he is my life, my joy, my sunshine and he is also all I need.

I don't have this burning desire to bare another, I am in no way broody and I love my neat and calm little family of now three.

I didn't just make this decision out of pure selfishness, I have been thinking of having another child for a while and although there have been one or two crazy moments where I thought it would be nice in the bigger picture I never see myself having another or wanting one.

My reasoning.

1. Everyone says if you have one you might as well have two. It's the same thing, if not easier. I don't believe a word of it because when I was pregnant no one told me how hard one is so I highly doubt this statement. Everyone who says that is probably doubly or triply sleep deprived or can't actually remember how hard having a kid is. And that's the thing Aiden is 2 months shy of his second birthday and he still doesn't sleep through the night and now people want me to do it again, you all mad. And lets face facts if I had number 2 it would be after I am married so lets base that in the next 3 - 4 years coz I ain't rushing and then Aiden will be 5 or 6 and I must start all the way at the beginning.

2. Financial reasons. Having a second child is selfish and stupid because I simply can't afford another one. It has taken me up to now to be standing firmly on two feet and I've finally moved out of the folks place. I just make ends meet. Plus I can give one child an amazing upbringing with great education and opportunities now I must split that between 2. Doesnt make sense.

3. Fear of the unknown. I have a child who all he has is me. I am his only parent. Yes Brad loves and adores him, yes he treats him as if he was his own but he doesnt have his own and I can honestly say I would never love another child as much as my own flesh and blood so its easier said than done and I don't want Aiden ever feeling like he isn't quite part of a family. Aiden was here first, he is my first priority. This fear may subside but for now it is my reality

4. Only child syndrome my ass. My siblings are probably going to pop out a good few, especially my sister. All my friends have kids, he goes to school and plays with kids all day, our neighbours all have kids. It's kids deluxe every where you look. He'll be fine and he'll never be lonely.

5. Its my body and its my decision. I've had a child in a pretty messed up situation. The last few years have been more than tough, I know first hand that having a child should never be a slap dash decision or an oopsie because its a little person and that little person depends on you to make smart and thought out decisions.

6. My body. Not my skinny body just my general health. I hated and I mean hated pregnancy and I still remember it clearly. I was in and out of hospital and almost had Aiden earlier than I had him. It was hard and from my pregnancy I developed hyperglycemia and I've just been diagnosed with insulin resistance. Imagine what a second pregnancy might do to me.

So unless its an act of God that I fall pregnant, my loop stays firmly in place.

I do take my hat off to woman who have more than one actually take my hat off to any mother. I don't judge those who have big families if it works for you that's great but it doesn't work for me, its not part of my goals or dreams.

I love my unconventional, unmarried, family of 3 individuals who all love each other for who we are and not for what society expects us to be. We perfect just the way we are. Why change it.

On moving out

So we moved out.

We moved in with Bradley.

Our new house still has boxes lying around.

And still tons of work to do before it looks like a home.

But I wake up in our room and because we have so much space I have a white bed set and white curtains because I can make rules like no eating in mommies room because well we have a whole house to eat in.

Its bliss.

You see at my parents place the only real space was my room which also happened to have the downstairs tv in so it was kind of like a train station for every one. I felt very suffocated.

I don't any more. I can breathe again.

I am however a tad bit homesick. A tad bit sad to be building a new life without my parents in it every step. I have moved out before, I lived in Cape Town for 2 years so it's not the shelter of home I miss it's my family.

The last few years have been super rough and having a child at home is different in the sense that they not only my immediate family but Aidens as well. They the ones who came with me to scans and rushed me too the hospital when I went into labour. They were there when I had nervous breakdowns from sleep deprivation and the ones who shared all his milestones with me.

They are my life as much as Aiden is and I do miss them and I don't want to loose that or get to busy to keep it.

So even though I have moved out, a part of me and my heart will always be there and it will always be mine and Aidens home.

If I can even be half as great a parent as mine have been I know I will have done a brilliant job.

So to my mom and dad, I love you with everything I have and I am the woman I am today because of your continuous love, support and encouragement.

Always a single mom at heart

From the minute I fell pregnant I was alone in the parenting world. I was thrown into a life I wasnt ready for, so instead of learning how to be a parent with someone to share it with I learnt how to do it alone, I never knew any different and I still dont really.

I have always done every nappy change, made every bottle, done every night duty, every bath time and so on and so on. My body, my brain and my heart became a single mom I adjusted my lifesyle to this way of thinking and I think once you've been a single mom that feeling of being one will always be there or maybe just the fear of being one again comes into play.

I met an amazing man, a man that loves not only me but my son as well. He has taken off pressure by helping with bath time, night shifts, bottle making and school drop offs. I've had more Sunday naps now than I have since having Aiden. He truly is a blessing and I am truly grateful for his love.

I still call myself a single mom though, maybe its the sense of responsibility that comes with a child, the guilt and the emmense love. Maybe because I'm not ready to share, I feel like I have done so much alone and he is mine and I'm proud of everything I have accomplished alone.

I'm hoping this feeling will subside, I'm hoping I'll be able to drop down my walls and allow him in fully and I'm hoping the fear of Aiden and I being abandoned again will disappear.