Definitely only having ONE!!!

14 Weeks!!!

I just finished my 26th week of pregnancy, I have 14 weeks left to go, I hope you read that, I only have 14 fucking weeks to go! Last week I bought myself a set of Tommee Tippee bottles, that took about 30min to decide on, and a bottle sterilizer. This calmed me down for about an hour and the bottled up stress and anxiety came back full swing.

I'm known as calm and collected, strong, somebody who can handle anything and everything and has for everything else in my life. As you all know this has been quite an ordeal for me and the closer the end comes the more I seem to be freaking out. I don't know the next part, I just started getting slightly good at being a normal pregnant woman. I just started accepting that I was pregnant to begin with and now it's ending. I don't know the next step, the actual baby part hasn't really hit home just yet.

Everyone around me is so excited and so happy for the little bundle of joy that is going to be popping out soon, real soon. Now don't get me wrong I love Peanut more than words can explain already and I am looking forward to getting to know him and have him in my life. I am scared shitless though, it's so much to handle and I'm still not sure if I'm ready for this.

Along with the joys of stress, anxiety and fear, third trimester has come and come with a vengeance. My morning sickness is back, tear rolling down cheek, I tried denying it, saying to myself it's just something I ate. I've woken up with that awful feeling of drinking to much without the pleasure of being wasted for about a week now. Along with that my emotions are sky high again, and I'm crying at everything again and really have to concentrate on not snapping on everybody.

This is a serious problem because everybody is going to start thinking I'm crazy again and I'm bound to step on a lot of toes and upset a lot of people. So I do warn in advance, it's not you, it's probably me and if it really is you, lucky you, you get away with being an ass and using the pregnant emotions as an excuse for my reaction.

Pregnancy Yucky's

I'm going to start listing the gross things of pregnancy and funny symptoms and what they really mean when they say tender boobs. Maybe another newly pregnant woman will stumble here and at least know they not dieing or turning into some strange creature.

Here's a few from the last week or two

• Sore outer ears - no you not weird for thinking your ears hurt from sleeping on them to long, it does happen, I think it's one of those rare symptoms, mine hurt so bad I cry myself back to sleep.


• Some woman glow and some of us break out in hives/acne/something itchy and awful all over but on your face mostly.


• I'm 26 weeks and this gross clear liquid just came out of my itchy nipples, I almost fell off my chair at work (I have my own office, so I don't openly look at my nipples)


• Your once beautiful ankles turn into tree trunks and it is possible to get stuck in your boots.


• Your tummy itches like a mo-fo (apparently you must NOT scratch because it worsens stretch marks, not to sure what they expect you to do though)


• If you had a belly ring once upon a time, stuff comes out of there to and the hole turns into a second belly button


• I really hope you don't have a tattoo on your stomach, my fairy is turning into a over grown troll.


• Your memory is non existent, write things down and double check when you leave shops that you actually have what you purchased.

Things I Know

I found this on Harassed mom and thought I'd carry on the trend. Every Friday you list the things you know. I'm thinking this is great because I always list the things I do not know. There are a few rules so follow with the link below.

Yay for home

Things I know - That make me HAPPY

• My sister makes me laugh everyday


• When Peanut kicks the shit out of me


• Chocolate and coffee


• My mom


• Summer arriving


• Surprises and presents


• My closest friends


• New clothes


• Books


• The smell of books


• Bubbles

Nursery Update

I love Cape Town

Find my own way

As you all expected Cape Town was amazing, it's Cape Town it can't be anything else. The weather was great and seeing all my lovely friends made my heart skip a beat. The ocean, sea gulls, wine tasting and to much food. Birthdays, shopping and drunken parties. In five short days I managed to see most of the people I wanted to, spent extra time with the ones I missed the most, met some new people, some I'll see again and some I never will.

I also spent a lot of time with mothers. All amazing woman, all with a different story and all with a different outlook on things. All had great advice about my situation and a lot of fearful stories of what I'm in for. I have learned I have to find my own way when it comes to being a mommy and learn how to deal with my situation how I need to. I think I need to find one mommy mentor, someone who is a lot like me, with the same sort of lifestyle and get my bulk of advice from that one mommy and just listen to everybody else. So auditions for being my mommy mentor will commence. Payment in friendship and bottles of wine.

Coming home was a reality slap, I almost had a panic attack last night and I did cry myself to sleep I admit. I am waiting for the full panic attack to strike I can feel it coming, it's building up. I realised I have like 3 months left of pregnancy which I hate but I'm starting to think maybe I can try find a way to keep the baby inside of me. I'm really freaking out, everyone says don't worry it all comes naturally and then proceed to tell me horror stories of motherhood and how it's absolute hell most of the time.

I have changed the date of the baby shower, so I am redoing invitations, all 100, luckily I hadn't handed them out yet and I have so much do still for it. Actually I still have everything to still do. The baby room is coming along really nicely, my mom and sister did an amazing job finishing the murals while I was gone and Darell is coming over on Saturday to finish things up.

Other than that I need to decide on "natural with drugs" (apparently that's not natural) or a "c-section" - I wish you didn't actually have a choice, I wish there was only one way. I feel both choices I make are probably going to end in disaster and both are giving me nightmares.

Imagine

Imagine having legs like that when you pregnant, actually imagine having legs like that!

Cup is Best

Last night when I got home from work I found to pamphlets on the dining room table, clearing about pregnancy. The one I didn't even open, it was about eating right during pregnancy, I know what to eat we all know what to eat and I know I'm never going to eat 5 vegetables a day.

Then there was the other one, in big bold letters, CUP FEEDING IS SAFER THAN BOTTLES. I thought I was seeing things, this concept is like the whole toweling nappies thing. An idea that instantly makes your life harder. I'm actually wondering if mothers actually do this.

I am really hoping to breast feed, you loose weight, it gives you back your stomach, it's free and available without preparation. It does freak me out though but I'm going to seriously give it a try. On this note my mom and I were discussing what I need and what is a waste of money and we were discussing pumps and how I should wait to buy one, she doesn't see the point of them if you have a breast use that why on earth would you pump milk. I do see her point.

Well in this pamphlet of "Cup is best" they have detailed instructions on how to express milk.... by hand, like a cow.



I couldn't contain myself, my sister was horrified and my mother just looked bewildered at this idea. Who does this, imagine your boyfriend, lover or husband walking in on you when you milking yourself like a farm animal. I think it would actually turn a man off seeing this, I can picture it now, when you in bed with them and they all of a sudden stop and look nauseated they probably imagining you milking yourself.

I must say it was a good laugh, not great at the dinner table but I would like to thank the government for sending out these pamphlets and enlightening and educating us woman on how to milk ourselves and feed our babies with a cup. Who would of known.

I'm off...Again

Tomorrow I am going to Cape Town for a week, ahhh bliss, I'm so super excited. I really miss my life in Cape Town but I know I am a city girl deep down. I need time and stress to keep going but I miss my friends and the smell of the ocean and I promised myself I would go at least once a year to visit.

I owe it to the most amazing people, these friends have been more involved in my life these past months than my friends who live down the road. These are the friends I get the most encouraging words from, who always phone to find out how I'm doing, call me out when I'm being full of shit. I love them. I'm going to be seeing them tomorrow!!!

I probably won't be blogging while I'm there actually I know I won't be blogging but I'm sure I'll have a lot of stories to blog about when I'm back. It's definitely going to be weird being there pregnant and not be able to party along side them like I used to but I'll have a camera and see what I actually look like to the rest of the world normally.

Baby Sitting Disasters

On Saturday evening after a day's labour of painting we had to baby sit my 3 month old God-son. From 5pm - 10pm, didn't sound to hard, bare in mind I've only held him for a few minutes at a time and never changed a diaper and feeding is my sisters thing. I still thought I could do this and if the mother of the baby is actually crazy enough to leave her baby with me I should be honoured enough to try.

This is the beginning of the evening...so cute, right.

My sister doing the feeding

After that's done I played with him a bit, till he started crying so....

My sister changed his diaper and my mom dressed him... then he started crying again, so...

My sister and mom eventually got him to sleep, an angel for a whole 40min and then this...

SCREAMING!!!

I saw his feet move in the pram but he stopped to I thought cool he's still sleeping and then it all started, he started crying so I got him out and rocked him a bit and then my sister said I could go bath quickly she'll be fine. I just got my water hot, rinsed the shampoo out my hair and put conditioner in and then my sister shouts "Get out of the bath!" I jump out still having conditioner in my hair and rush into the room to find a distraught baby. Now my mom is also in the room and we can't get him to quiet down, I make his bottle and this keeps him quiet, I went for a SMOKE!!! I know, I know but it probably did more good than harm because I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. When I got back he was still crying and now choking on his gob. This is 30 minutes after he started screaming, another 15 minutes go by and he is still screaming. My back is killing me being 6 months pregnant and rocking a rather heavy baby who won't let me sit down ( I am getting a rocking chair) ans then my sister starts to have her turn so I can sit for a few minutes. Then she starts freaking out telling me to call my friend but I don't want to give up just yet, but she freaks out so I freak out and take the kid and storm out the room with him. My mom hears the commotion and comes to try. It'a now been an hour of uncontrollable screaming and I try phone my friend who I can't get hold of. At this point even my father is in the picture trying to get the baby to calm down and breath. Another half an hour goes by and finally I get hold of my friend to come rescue me from her screaming child. We tried everything, singing, rocking, feeding, tv, music, walking up and down the house, nothing worked. we gave him the pink stuff that was supposed to knock him out, we tried forcing the dummy in his mouth, nothing. 

It was awful, I will never look after somebody else's baby ever again and I am really enjoying being pregnant and Peanut can stay in there as long as he likes if that is what I have to look forward to. Of course as soon as Charlene held her baby he calmed down and I hope that's the case with my baby but it was an experience of note and I didn't even get a shitty diaper. 

We all woke up with what felt like serious hang overs, my mom couldn't move her neck, my sister was as miserable as ever when I woke her up and my back felt like it had a knife wedged in it. Why oh why did I let this happen.

Made with Love

I had a super busy weekend and one of the main parts was we finally started on the nursery. I had so much fun doing it and it really is being made with love. Darell came, I thought he would just come do the light and stuff and go but he stayed the whole day and did more than I expected, he even impressed my mother, which must be one of the hardest things to do for any man. He's even decided the inside of the cupboard isn't up to scratch and is coming back to put in more shelves and rods. I'm getting to the stage where sitting on the floor is a thought process so it's all kind of going over my head and sometimes I just want it done but we really are having fun doing it - lets just hope my son likes it.

That belly grew in a week (but loving the boobs)

Jose' is my lover

Secret Postcards

I've always found these sites amazing and have a few bookmarked. People send there secrets into them on hand made postcards for the world to see. It's completely anonymous but I don't know if I could say some of the things they say. Strange seeing as I am basically sharing my daily journal with all of you. I haven't looked at them in a while but was reminded of them by another blogger. Have a look when you have time.

Post cards anonymous

It's all coming along

After my awful day on Tuesday, and it was awful. My emotions were sky high and I had a break down with my mom and attacked Darell for ruining my life, the poor man is probably really content with his decision to not be with me after that little outburst. I blame it all on the pregnancy hormones, there's no possible way I'm that crazy, or at least we hope not.

I stayed home yesterday with my mom, I do work for both of my parents, which is actually great because when I don't feel like going into the office I get my nice boss, my mom, to tell my mean boss, my dad, she has work for me to do and I stay home. Most of the time I really have work sometimes it's for my sanity which is pretty much for everybody's sanity in the house and then it's on days when my mom isn't going into her part time job and I get to keep her company. Normally this entails work, as my mother never stops and at the moment our house looks like a bomb hit it because of Peanuts arrival, everything has to be moved around to create his bedroom. So we have been organizing, this is me throwing things away when she aint looking because really we don't need half the junk we own.

So yesterday we spent the day sorting out the laundry room, the smallest but messiest and most over loaded room in our house. While this was going on we had hired a painter to paint the nursery ceiling and walls white so we can start on the murals this weekend. I'm so excited. Darell is also coming to put in the light fitting and door handles and all that other stuff. One good decision was getting knocked up by a millright chargehand, this is like a super man version of an electrician, handy man and wood work genius who earns enough money to pay a decent maintenance and do all the things around the house that I need done for the safety of his son of course.

My invitations are finally printed, now I just need to put them in there red envelopes and write out a 100 names. They look great and will be putting one up to show you soon. I went to the fabric store and bought the most amazing, brightly coloured fabrics for the 20m of bunting I'll be creating for the baby shower and made lists for everybody else of what needs to be done and dusted and then they can take over the party and I'll just pop my head in from time to time to check it's all to my liking.

Then there is the amazing Natasha from Raising Men, who has invited me over for lunch and offered me all her baby stuff she doesn't need anymore. Bless her heart, she brought me to tears the other day when I received her message and has saved me from a huge load of stress.

So everything seems to be coming along just fine for now and if I don't think about things other than what I'm doing right now I seem to not have to many anxiety attacks. I must say though, when I got into the office this morning the first thing I did was read my 2 favourite blogs Raising Men and Remember when we were young. They both had there birth stories up of there bundles of joy. If you haven't read these posts please do, it's a testament to how amazing woman truly are but if you are expecting and it's your first baby and you are scared out of your wits, read it, at least you know what can happen but don't say I didn't warn you. It's not for the faint hearted. 

One of those days... times a 1000!

I'm having one of those days, when I could possibly take a whole bottle of sleeping pills and never wake up again or at least until my life is somebody else's. In general, yes, I've moved forward and grown and changed and accept my life and at times I'm even excited but every now and then the reality of my life slaps me in the face and all that progress seems to disappear.

I'm having a child, a living, breathing child in like 3 months. Not a toy or a trial run, an actual child that is mine and that I have to look after and raise. Holy shit, who am I kidding, I can't do this, I haven't even pre-pared for this, I don't even have a cot or a bottle. F*ck I don't have somebody to help change diapers and get him in and out of the car. How am I actually going to pull this off.

As much as I think it would be easier for me if Darell wasn't there, he is and I have no reason to chase him away or not allow him near my son. And to be honest, I know I shouldn't feel that way at all. I'm lucky to have some one willing to pay for more than his half and help put up light fittings and curtain rails in the nursery. He always phones or text's to find out how I'm doing. Other than not working out we actually have a good relationship and it shouldn't even bother me that we didn't work out because we were only together for 2 months so under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be heart broken and would be over it in a week.

For the first time ever, I have bills, bills piling up. I"ve never had a credit card or clothing accounts or anything of that nature. I live off what I can afford, that is not so true anymore. I have doctors bills now that my medical aid savings have run out and the R800 a month for the doc is on me and my blood tests bill came, once or twice and now it's "Final Notice" in big red ink. I haven't even calculated what I still owe, I'm to scared and I have to start actually getting things for the baby that's coming.

I've never been fat and I regret ever thinking I was, my belly grows over night and I've never been so uncomfortable, my boobs are getting way to big for my liking and my ass is finally growing. I've never felt less unattractive, undesirable and unsexual in my entire life. Everything a man finds attractive in a woman becomes a machine equipped to grow and deliver and nurture a baby.

I really hate working with family and I know how lucky I am and I know how many opportunities I have but I'm tired of looking at the same people from when I wake up to when I go to bed. I love you guys but I'm suffocating here. I can never tell my boss "F*ck You, I'm resigning" coz I have to share a dinner table with him in the evening, because the guilt of not wanting what they offering is to much to take.

I'd happily be a receptionist some where, some smart person's PA, I'd happily do that for now because at least it will be something different, something I can call my own. So I can interact with other people so that when I come home at night I'm excited to tell everybody about my crappy day and how I hate my boss.

For the first time ever, I really want normal. I just want a normal, socially correct life. High School, collage, marriage, kids and a frikkin mortgage.