Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

~Mark Twain

I found this quote at the beginning of all this and I always come back to it on my bad days. It's so true and I have proof of it.

I'm not a forgiving person normally, or I am but I am an angry person who is brilliant at holding a grudge. If you have wronged me in any way I normally let you know it over and over again. I'm sarcastic so I can even do it in a way where you don't even know I'm being mean. I'm good at guilt trips. I'm good at at causing the same pain that has been caused on me. 

It's not because I'm a horrible person, you all do it or feel it, you just don't admit it for the world to see. It protects me. It's my form of justice. You hurt me once, extra walls are placed securely all around me and you'll never get in again. 

I don't know why or how but the minute D walked out on me I CHOSE to forgive him, I CHOSE not to be angry or bitter. I CHOSE not to take revenge. I CHOSE to be nice. I CHOSE to take his nasty words and let them slide. I CHOSE to let him be part of his child's life when he was ready. I CHOSE to love his family. 

I CHOSE that a fathers love for his child and a child's need for that love was more important and bigger than any of my pain and resentment. I CHOSE my love for my child was worth the sacrifice to let go of D and his mistakes, to forget my heart ache and my betrayal so that my child can have as much love as possible in his life. 

Is it easy?  No 

Do I understand it? No

Do I sometimes want to punch him till he feels the pain he caused me? Yes

Do I cry? Yes

Do I wish he didn't do what he did? Yes

Do I sometimes want to spite him? Yes

Do I sometimes wish he never came back? Yes

It hurts like you can't believe just thinking about how it all happened, I still don't know why he chose what he chose. I ask myself what was wrong with me, what don't I have that she does. I still ask "what if." I am worried how this is all going to work out and how I'm going to fit another whole family into my life.

I do know that my forgiveness, my reaction towards his anger has calmed what could of been a really bad situation. I do know my choice in loving him despite his rejection has softened his heart and his current choices. I do know my son his going to love his father unconditionally and I never want to be the reason he doesn't get the love he needs from having a father. 

1+1=2

1+1=2, if you need 2 but don't have 1 or the other 1 and somehow need to shit out 2 your life becomes rather stressful. I'm good with money, I love money. I have always done odd jobs growing up to make money and I have always had more than I needed.

Then I fell pregnant.

I have no debt, no credit cards, no clothing accounts and always done freelance work so tax has never been an issue. Basically I don't exist in the financial system, except for my tv license which they really nail you on. I'm still under my parents medical aid and most of my expenses, like my cellphone and such are paid for by my dad's company. Spoilt rotten, I know. Pain in the real ass when you are forced into a system you were happy staying out of and have another body to look after.

To get into this system it seems you have to sell your soul to some sort of devil and they want a history of every pea you ever stuck up your nose. I think I'm going to copy a hundred copies of my I.D book this morning and just have them on me at all times.

The point is, baby's are expensive, yes my parents do a lot but I get a salary and that is what I have to survive on, I even pay rent to stay at my parents house so please don't think I'm this spoilt rich kid with no responsibility's. I've just never experienced going onto my bank account a week before payday and saying "oh shit, I'm staying in this weekend."

Medical bills have piled up due to being in a self-payment gap, I need so much still and more medical bills are coming. I need 2 but I owe 1 and don't have the other 1 and 1 and what I'm getting is like a 0.2 and my head hurts because I can't even figure out simple maths anymore.

Box-dye it's going to be.

Stuff I really didn't need... but LOVE!

Officially 3rd Trimester

Can you believe I'm already in my final step of pregnancy, it feels like just yesterday that I fell pregnant to begin with. Today I'm feeling quite okay with the fact that I'm about to have a baby, but ask me in an hour and it might be a different response.

I went for my scan on Friday, it was the best one to note. We got the best 4D and you could see his face so clearly. I'm in love. I really am, and it looks like he has my awful little, ski like button nose. D couldn't make it, his house was broken into with his madam inside, I know it's terrible to think and even say out loud, I wasn't really worried or sympathetic for her. So my mommy and little sis came along and they seem just as in love as me.

He weighs 859grams, doc said that's healthy, but then my mom pointed out that took almost 7 months and in the next 3 months he still has at least 2kgs to grow...that means I still have a lot to grow and I'm going to be huge!

We also have to book our bed. This is what I've decided. If I have to be induced, I'm having a C-section. If he can see I'll probably end up having a C-section, I'm having one without going into labour. If my baby is to big or facing the wrong direction, I'm having a C-section. I am praying for a manageable natural but am totally fine with a C-section.

Booking a bed, they want so much info and if you not married they want even more and they make you feel like such a terrible person and because I look so young they really make you feel like a awful little whore. I'm some how still a dependent on my mom's medical aid, so they need all my info and all my mom's info. Then the baby is going under D's medical aid because his company pays so they need all his info but his company only puts baby on when he has a birth certificate and I can't put him on mine coz I'm still a dependent on my parents and I told everybody months ago we were going to have this problem - clearly no one listened and now I have no idea what to do.

Oh and can you believe this, part of the deal with the private clinic I'm going to they supposed to register your baby for you and sort out the birth certificate but because I'm not married they won't. Are we not in the 21st Century where marriage was not a have to.

There is so much to sort out and still do. I think my body had just gone into automatic mode because I'm not stressed at all.

Thing I know

Things I Know - I still want 

• I want a successful clothing line


• I want to go to New York


• I want to go to the East


• I want to trust again


• I want a truly happy child


• I want a house in Joburg and in Cape Town


• I want a Pot-Belly Pig


• I want to run a marathon


• I want to go to a high tea

I'm sure there are a lot more but that's all the Things I know for now.

He has my nose

26 WEEKS!

Some Honesty...hard to find.

I found this really cool site/blog Scary Mommy. This post terrified me but I loved it and I guess I needed it, I need the details, I need them even though I don't want to hear them because I don't know 2 ply toilet paper is going to be a blessing for my first pee after I push out a baby.

Go have a look, if you like me I'm pretty sure you will love and adore her.

The Hospital Checklist

I am done having babies.

(I think.)

I will (probably) never again feel the familiar wave of nausea roll over me and see the bright blue lines appear on a positive pregnancy test.

I will (most likely) not be found shopping for bottles or pacifiers or infant car seats to be used by my own precious offspring.

And, I’m (pretty) confident that I will never again make a hospital checklist.

So, as a former member of the expectant-mother-club,  I consider it my duty to impart my knowledge onto the new breed of yet-to-be mothers.

I present you with the hospital checklist I’d make, if I were having another baby. (Which, despite my raging baby fever, I am 99.9 percent positive I don’t want. And, no, this is not my way of telling you that I’m pregnant. I’m not. Not even a little.)

Here you go…

• The No Shit, Sherlock items: The picture perfect outfit to take the baby home in, car seat, camera etc. Duh.

• A roll of good quality toilet paper or wipes. That first pee after giving birth is brutal. Hospital grade toilet paper feels like sandpaper and you don’t need that rubbing against your bruised lady parts. Trust me.

• An extra bag. You’ll be sent home with diapers, wipes, formula, and more. It’s like a new mother’s Halloween! Make sure you can schlep all of your loot or you’ll be kicking yourself the next week at Babies”R”Us. That crap is expensive.

• Shampoo, conditioner and body wash. The first shower you take after you give birth will be the best shower of your life and the hospital products suck.

• A Blindfold. For yourself. Girlfriend, you are going to look like hell. Better just not to see it.

• Food. You’re going to be starving and hospital food is revolting. Stock your fridge with all the stuff you haven’t been able to eat in 9 months. And, make sure to lock it from your husband. He’s eaten enough.

• Extra strength maxi pads. The ones at the hospital haven’t changed in a century. Seriously, they practically have belts. A box of extra strength Always will be one of the best investments you make.

• Maternity yoga pants. It’s total bullshit, but you will leave the hospital looking as pregnant as you went in. It’s tragic, but true.

OK, moms: What did I leave out?

Pregnancy Yucky's

I do understand the gift of having a baby and I love it when Peanut moves but I hate pregnancy. I just do. I'm not good at it. I'm not graceful. I hate it when people say "Look how big you've gotten" when would a woman want to hear that. I hate spending time on getting ready just to hear how "cute" I look, I miss looking sexy, gorgeous and beautiful.

Yucky's for this week

• My ass is finally getting bigger, wider, fatter, kind of like J-Lo's but on a good day.


• Stretch marks are creeping slowly across my huge ass love handles, like vines of evil.


• Heartburn, um no, they really need a new name for this experience during pregnancy because it is not heartburn. It's a flame of torture, that rips your insides a part for hours at a time.


• Gooey stuff from nipples has doubled, this I really can't handle.


• Dry scalp - Holy Moses and I have almost black hair and nothing helps.


•  I can no longer tie my own shoe laces


• Getting in and out of a bath is also getting quite tricky


• I am getting little blue veins on my boobs  - this made me cry.


• Crazy dreams and I mean crazy dreams and I'm used to being a nut while I sleep. We talking killer peas with little arms and legs and evil faces marching single file line into my room to kill me with there little spears and bow and arrows.


• BITCH syndrome, I have already warned everybody around me.

Baby Shower Invites

These are my invites to the baby shower, it's a carnival theme with bunting, popcorn, cotton candy and even face painting. I printed them on brown card board so they looked like a real old circus ticket and popped them into red envelopes. My mom did the design, she is just fantastic, I can't really say it enough. I'm going to be about 8 months pregnant by then, I know we leaving it late but I wanted warm weather so I'm really praying on that day I'll feel great and not be to swollen and hopefully I can find something decent to wear. I'm really looking forward to it though. I love throwing party's, I always go super crazy and love having people walk in and feel like they in a fairy-tale. 

Nobody makes me feel better quite like my mommy

If you ever did meet me you would think I was sweet and innocent, I have one of those faces. It's how I've gotten away with so much and how I get what I want when I want it. It won't take you long to realise I'm far from bubbly and loud, you can mistake my reservation and quietness as rude and stuck up or you can carry on thinking the whole candy like niceness applies to me or you take your time on breaking down my walls and then I'll love you forever and I am nice to those I love and I am sweet when I feel it, innocence unfortuantly left me years ago.

This being said, I can openly admit my niceness is limited to those I truly like, my sweetness is a rare gift and my sarcasm and dry humour can often bite and it normally bites the ones I love. To put it simply I can be a bitch, a real, nasty, stubborn and down right awful bitch. I do know this and sadly I even know when I'm doing this most of the time. it's like another person inhabits my body. It comes out when I'm not getting my way, when I'm not my mothers center of attention, when I'm hungry or over tired, generally this side of me can come out to play at any point.

This being said my poor mother has been taking this personality at full strength this last week. Honestly if I think about Peanut pulling any of it on me, I'd whack him one across the head. I have even stomped my foot in a blow out, like a 4 year old, because she didn't want to do something in her house the way I wanted it to be.

I can blame it on pregnancy, I do blame the stomping of the foot on pregnancy, I'm a bitch not a brat. yesterday I was so awful to her, I really feel bad, here I am taking over her life by being pregnant, single and 23 in her house when she should be celebrating not having to look after child. Despite my awful rampage yesterday, she knows how miserable I am and when I phoned her crying this morning telling her how much I hate my life it didn't matter how I treated her yesterday she just seemed to want me to smile today.

She is leaving work early so we can go for lunch and look for a bed for Peanut and do some retail therapy. Just hearing that calms me and makes my day better and makes me feel like everything is going to be alright. I love my mom more than words can ever say, she is my silver lining on a dark cloudy day.

But sometimes it feels so good

Bingo!!!

It's a sad day...forgive me!

I think my mom is looking for one of these

Breakdown No# 5 or 10 or maybe 100

Remember last week I was saying how I could feel an emotional break-down coming, that a lot of it was due to my over emotional pregnancy side coming back to haunt me and my loved ones. Then the rest of it is honestly due to my growing fear as it's literally 3 months left to go on Saturday - I really wish Tequila was allowed during pregnancy.

Since that post I have had maybe 5, maybe a whole lot more, breakdowns of various sorts. I have tried my hardest not to have them around other human beings and even took one out on my teddy (D gave it to me, it has a heart that says "I Love You", the heart isn't attached anymore).

Saturday D came over again to help with the nursery, really I can't complain about him, maybe that's what upsets me so much is that he actually is a good guy but he did a great job at screwing things up. He really does try and is pulling his weight compared to other men, who are happy to never see the illegitimate child or are happy with every second weekend. D is a rare exception, but a rare exception of all sorts and drives me insane beyond belief. Maybe it's because he just didn't want ME, I've never really felt no being wanted, by lots just not by my lovers. I've always done the leaving....anyways I'm getting side tracked. All was fine but at some point I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't deal with the smiling and the laughing and the excitement of Peanut. I went to my room and cried, my sister saw this and followed. At that point I just wanted it to all go away, I didn't want my baby, I didn't want to be pregnant and single, I didn't want D to be my friend, I just wanted to disappear.

I've cried myself to sleep every night for the past week.

I snapped at my sister and ruined the start to her day when I took her to school the other day.

I made my mom feel guilty for visiting her brother who is here from Scotland for only a week because I didn't want to be home alone.

I cried all the way to fetch my sister in the car, not caring about gawking strangers in the cars next to me.

I didn't want to go home after fetching my sister, she did, else who knows where we would of ended up.

I cried in the bath last night.

I want to cry right now.

I'm trying not to kill people who come near me.

I just want to get back into bed and sleep this all away.

I still can't believe I got myself into this situation.

I love my son but I still wish this wasn't happening right now.

It's my BLOG and I'll write what I want to

I have recently been bomb barded with emails from strangers and some messages from people I do know about my blog. Apparently I'm selfish, insensitive and careless. Apparently my humour on certain situations is disgusting and are no laughing matters. Apparently I don't appreciate pregnancy and the beauty of it.

Well here is what I have to say, if I don't know you, I am selfish, insensitive and careless because I don't care what you think or say about me. Especially if you decided to stay "anonymous" please if you want to shit me out more than my mother (who loves my blog and is "oh so proud")  please have the respect to give me your name. The only strangers I do care about are the people who like my blog and my writings stir some sort of emotion in them and hopefully makes there day a smidgen better or more entertaining.

To those who do know me, I'm actually disappointed because you have seen full on what this has all done to me. You saw how I couldn't get out of bed for weeks, you knew my mother was worried to leave me home alone in case when she got back I was no longer. You saw the tears and witnessed the pain. You know that everything I write on this blog is 100% honest and true. I have not contrived blogs or exaggerated stories for my benefit (not that I can see how that would benefit me). Most of all you know how much writing my story day by day has helped me get through this nightmare.

Here is what I really don't get. My "About me" section, neatly describes what this blog is, what it is about and is a clear warning that it's not going to be cute and fluffy. That I'm not happy about being knocked-up and single. I'm also sure if you go back through out the whole history of my blog I have warned people a few times that if you don't like my writing, my sarcasm or swearing then simply don't read it.

I am sorry if I have hurt anybody through my blog, it was not my intention. It is just my life and pretending things are sweet and dandy is not going to help and so I talk about it. Yes, publicly but it is your choice to read it or not and if you want create a blog and write what you want to. I great idea would be a blog about how you hate the blogs that share there life with complete strangers. You'll probably get more hits than me.

Baby shower coming up

My baby shower is in 2 months, all my invites are finally sent out and people have started to RSVP. I didn't do a baby registry, don't really like telling people what to buy and I don't actually know what I need. However there are things I told my mom I do want, a rocking chair being one of them and I think that's all I've insisted on having. If you are coming and you don't know what to buy I love these few things from Baby Tease, which is all thanks to Fiona from Remember when we were young.

There is no love like it

The closer it gets and the bigger I get and the more Peanut moves, the more real this all becomes not just for me but for everyone. My mom has realised her grandchild is going to consume her life more than we probably did. I think my dad has a minor heart attack every time he passes the nursery and see's how the house as been rearranged for a tiny person. I think my sister might be freaking out to because she has become distant towards my belly and maybe is feeling a bit of jealousy towards the baby.

For D and I though it's a love like no other, D already knows this feeling as he has 2 girls already but it is his first son and it's hitting home. I can't imagine my life without Peanut already and he isn't even out yet. I can't wait to hold him and meet him, still terrified but the love and bond is undeniable.

With this love comes the realization of all the mistakes we have made along the way and how it's going to effect us and our son. How things could of been different but stupidity and fear changed that. I did warn D in the beginning, I told him he was making a mistake, I told him he was going to regret his decision and now it's hit him that he won't get to watch his son fall asleep or wake up. He'll probably miss his first word and first step. He will have to schedule times to see his son and that it's up to me to decide from how young he can take his son overnight as by law it's only from 2 years.

I have no intention of keeping him from his son and we actually have a great relationship considering the circumstances. We talk on a daily basis and we see each other all the time with no fights and no awkwardness. He's starting to freak out though, he's starting to worry I won't let him take his son and that I'm going to keep him away from him.

This is my world now, I have divided my life into two families. I always knew this but it's seems so real now. I'm tired just thinking about it. I don't think learning how to look after a baby is going to be even close to how hard it is going to be to learn how to balance this crazy world I find myself in.

Going to make and Print these.