I'm really struggling at the moment, with everything and everyone, not sure why I just am. I feel like I'm drowning, I can't find my way out, above the water's surface. Everything seems to be becoming a blur and everybody is screaming for me to come back but I don't want to.
It's quiet here, in my own head, blocking everybody out. It's easier, it's less painful and I don't need to face what I should be facing. I know I'm going to loose people this way, I always do. I push new friends away when they get to close and people I know forever know me well enough to know to just leave me alone, I'll find my way out eventually. It's not really fair on them though is it.
I guess my biggest reason for feeling this way is everybody's need to now the drama of my life. Not how I'm really doing or how Peanut is doing but the soap opera part of my life. It drives me insane normally now it just depresses me. One question that seems to float everybody's damn boat is, "What surname is he going to have?" I hate this question, especially from people who are just for the most part acquaintances's and the look they give me when I tell them, both, and D's is last.
Why it should concern them is beyond me, why it's a big deal I just don't understand. It's my decision and mine alone, I've made it so please just leave it the fuck alone.
Another thing, I can't do everything, I can't see everybody, phone everybody and sort everybody's life's out anymore. I just can't. I know I carry small but I actually am 7 months pregnant, my life is a train wreck and I have my own shit to deal with. I hate people making me feel guilty that I don't visit them at least once a week and call them another hundred times. I can't make church every Sunday and Youth on Friday nights is tiring to say the least. I can't go to party's anymore, my body is tired for days. I don't want to talk about shit all the time, read my blog and when you with me, please just let me smile and laugh and forget about things for just a while.
Everybody seems to want answers, answers to everything and I don't have them. I don't know what's going to happen with everything, I don't know the fine details. All I know is I'm having a baby in 12 weeks and I just wish there was someone who would just make me smile - I don't want anything else at the moment.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
It hurts
Today it hurts, it really hurts. I look forward to seeing him, I laugh when he's here and I cry for days once he's gone.
Last year this time I was planning my weekends on which parties where the best.
This weekend I'm discussing maintenance and who gets what weekends.
8 Months ago I was allowing myself to fall in love again.
Today I sat across from the father of my child who has chosen to be with someone else.
6 Months ago I gave myself to a man I thought I could trust, he walked away.
Today I was planning our lives together only we are so far apart.
4 Months ago he came back for our child.
Now I have to watch him have another whole family.
Now I feel like his dirty little secret.
Now I have to have him in my life forever.
Today it hurts, it really does. I just want to run away. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to raise a child in this mess. I don't want to share my child with another woman. I don't want to share my child like a piece of furniture with anybody.
I sit and listen to woman moan that there husband or partner don't change enough diapers. Moan that he doesn't take them to the ballet. Moan that he works to much. Moan that he wants sex to much. Moan that he doesn't cook and clean enough.
He is there, he loves you else he wouldn't be. He loves your kids. He works for you. Go to ballet with a friend, he doesn't force you to watch rugby. Have sex it's good for you. Go out for dinner and leave the dishes for tomorrow. You are the luckiest woman around. You got a good one, Prince Charming doesn't exist because which one of us are actually Cinderella.
Last year this time I was planning my weekends on which parties where the best.
This weekend I'm discussing maintenance and who gets what weekends.
8 Months ago I was allowing myself to fall in love again.
Today I sat across from the father of my child who has chosen to be with someone else.
6 Months ago I gave myself to a man I thought I could trust, he walked away.
Today I was planning our lives together only we are so far apart.
4 Months ago he came back for our child.
Now I have to watch him have another whole family.
Now I feel like his dirty little secret.
Now I have to have him in my life forever.
Today it hurts, it really does. I just want to run away. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to raise a child in this mess. I don't want to share my child with another woman. I don't want to share my child like a piece of furniture with anybody.
I sit and listen to woman moan that there husband or partner don't change enough diapers. Moan that he doesn't take them to the ballet. Moan that he works to much. Moan that he wants sex to much. Moan that he doesn't cook and clean enough.
He is there, he loves you else he wouldn't be. He loves your kids. He works for you. Go to ballet with a friend, he doesn't force you to watch rugby. Have sex it's good for you. Go out for dinner and leave the dishes for tomorrow. You are the luckiest woman around. You got a good one, Prince Charming doesn't exist because which one of us are actually Cinderella.
Things I Know - Today
- My baby bump is getting huge
- You cant wait for things to happen...they don't
- Family is the most important thing in life
- I hate morning sickness
- I found out my sons due date is the year anniversary of mine and D's love story beginning
- I think I'm suffering from depression or denial
- I love my Son
- I'm shit scared of the future
- I don't want to go through child birth of any kind
- I miss tequila and jager
- I miss my smile (the real one and what it feels like)
I love clothes!
I know all woman love clothes and most of us have a shopping problem, so the statement I love clothes is lost and is so over used. I truly love clothes though, I love the history of clothes and textile theory on where they come from and how they are made. I love pattern construction and learning how to make the best cut for a woman's body.
I love how they make you feel and they can turn you into anybody you want to be. I studied fashion not for the glits and glam, not because it's what everybody else wanted to study I did it because it seems to be a part of my soul, it's my passion, it was my dream.
I've been thinking a lot about my dreams lately, what I always wanted, what I always saw myself doing and achieving. I've been thinking about my future and what is going to happen once I'm through this pregnancy. It's all I've been focusing on. It's all I've allowed myself to see and be.
I some how chose to let all this stop me and kill my dreams instead of letting it inspire and drive me. I've given up. I've given up on me. I go through each day with a fake smile on my face, pretending to be okay, pretending that I'm happy. I fill each day with things to do and organise and I dread being alone because then I actually have to think about things.
I found pictures of my range the other day again, I fell in love with them all over again. I was heart broken that I let that fire die out. I am sad that I've given up when I have so much still to do and conquere.
This is my heart, this is where I show my emotions. This is where you can find the real me, where I'll show you my soul and give you all the answers. Here in my clothes. In my creations.
I love how they make you feel and they can turn you into anybody you want to be. I studied fashion not for the glits and glam, not because it's what everybody else wanted to study I did it because it seems to be a part of my soul, it's my passion, it was my dream.
I've been thinking a lot about my dreams lately, what I always wanted, what I always saw myself doing and achieving. I've been thinking about my future and what is going to happen once I'm through this pregnancy. It's all I've been focusing on. It's all I've allowed myself to see and be.
I some how chose to let all this stop me and kill my dreams instead of letting it inspire and drive me. I've given up. I've given up on me. I go through each day with a fake smile on my face, pretending to be okay, pretending that I'm happy. I fill each day with things to do and organise and I dread being alone because then I actually have to think about things.
I found pictures of my range the other day again, I fell in love with them all over again. I was heart broken that I let that fire die out. I am sad that I've given up when I have so much still to do and conquere.
This is my heart, this is where I show my emotions. This is where you can find the real me, where I'll show you my soul and give you all the answers. Here in my clothes. In my creations.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Have a look
This mommy blogger, draws what she calls crappy pictures to help describe her life as a mother. It made me smile today, hope it does for you to - Crappy Pictures blog and I found it via the amazing Scary Mommy site.
This is not what I expected back when I had a baby.
She was attracted to pink, sparkles and rainbows. And ideally all three in the same outfit.
It isn’t that he avoids pink. It isn’t that he avoids sparkles. He just doesn’t care either way.
Only rarely as a truck.
Only rarely as a cradle.
I thought surely her second daughter will be into trucks and surely my second son will like dolls.
So my son says he wants to be a boxer now. He is four.
He runs around the house punching the air with his tiny fists.
This is not what I expected back when I had a baby.
You see, my best friend and I had our first babies roughly around the same time.
She had a girl. I had a boy.
I was fairly confident that I knew everything about everything when it came to raising children.
As new moms, we heard tons about “gender stereotyping” and how that was, like, bad and stuff. Saying things like “boys will be boys” was old-fashioned and frowned upon. We were modern! We would never say such a thing.
So to start with, we dressed them in neutral outfits until they could pick for themselves.
Her daughter picked out clothes with squeals of excitement.
She was attracted to pink, sparkles and rainbows. And ideally all three in the same outfit.
My son, on the other hand, could not care less.
It isn’t that he avoids pink. It isn’t that he avoids sparkles. He just doesn’t care either way.
But it wasn’t just their wardrobe. It was toys too.
She bought her daughter a toy truck.
She played with it sometimes.
Only rarely as a truck.
I bought my son a doll and a wooden doll cradle.
He played with the cradle sometimes.
Only rarely as a cradle.
And it wasn’t just the toys. It was everything.
We wanted to open the world up for them. We sheltered them from messages that put value on their interests or skills based on gender expectations.
And they do have skills.
Her daughter can turn anything into a baby.
My son can turn anything into a weapon.
Then we had more babies.
She had another girl. I had another boy.
I thought surely her second daughter will be into trucks and surely my second son will like dolls.
Nope.
As they grew, I watched as her girls mostly played well together.
And how my boys mostly didn’t.
She reassured me that it wasn’t anything I did wrong. And I reassured myself by begrudgingly muttering “boys will be boys” when I was sure that nobody could hear me.
And then, two years ago, she had a third.
It was a boy this time.
I wondered what that little boy would be like growing up with two nurturing sisters and all the dolls and sparkles in the world.
I admit, despite my experience, I was a little afraid that he would tenderly burp dolls and share and always say please. I was afraid that he would never, ever turn a spoon into a catapult. Or throw sand. Or be aggressive in any way.
Then last week, there he was, running around the house, punching the air with his tiny fists.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain
~Mark Twain
I found this quote at the beginning of all this and I always come back to it on my bad days. It's so true and I have proof of it.
I'm not a forgiving person normally, or I am but I am an angry person who is brilliant at holding a grudge. If you have wronged me in any way I normally let you know it over and over again. I'm sarcastic so I can even do it in a way where you don't even know I'm being mean. I'm good at guilt trips. I'm good at at causing the same pain that has been caused on me.
It's not because I'm a horrible person, you all do it or feel it, you just don't admit it for the world to see. It protects me. It's my form of justice. You hurt me once, extra walls are placed securely all around me and you'll never get in again.
I don't know why or how but the minute D walked out on me I CHOSE to forgive him, I CHOSE not to be angry or bitter. I CHOSE not to take revenge. I CHOSE to be nice. I CHOSE to take his nasty words and let them slide. I CHOSE to let him be part of his child's life when he was ready. I CHOSE to love his family.
I CHOSE that a fathers love for his child and a child's need for that love was more important and bigger than any of my pain and resentment. I CHOSE my love for my child was worth the sacrifice to let go of D and his mistakes, to forget my heart ache and my betrayal so that my child can have as much love as possible in his life.
Is it easy? No
Do I understand it? No
Do I sometimes want to punch him till he feels the pain he caused me? Yes
Do I cry? Yes
Do I wish he didn't do what he did? Yes
Do I sometimes want to spite him? Yes
Do I sometimes wish he never came back? Yes
It hurts like you can't believe just thinking about how it all happened, I still don't know why he chose what he chose. I ask myself what was wrong with me, what don't I have that she does. I still ask "what if." I am worried how this is all going to work out and how I'm going to fit another whole family into my life.
I do know that my forgiveness, my reaction towards his anger has calmed what could of been a really bad situation. I do know my choice in loving him despite his rejection has softened his heart and his current choices. I do know my son his going to love his father unconditionally and I never want to be the reason he doesn't get the love he needs from having a father.
1+1=2
Then I fell pregnant.
I have no debt, no credit cards, no clothing accounts and always done freelance work so tax has never been an issue. Basically I don't exist in the financial system, except for my tv license which they really nail you on. I'm still under my parents medical aid and most of my expenses, like my cellphone and such are paid for by my dad's company. Spoilt rotten, I know. Pain in the real ass when you are forced into a system you were happy staying out of and have another body to look after.
To get into this system it seems you have to sell your soul to some sort of devil and they want a history of every pea you ever stuck up your nose. I think I'm going to copy a hundred copies of my I.D book this morning and just have them on me at all times.
The point is, baby's are expensive, yes my parents do a lot but I get a salary and that is what I have to survive on, I even pay rent to stay at my parents house so please don't think I'm this spoilt rich kid with no responsibility's. I've just never experienced going onto my bank account a week before payday and saying "oh shit, I'm staying in this weekend."
Medical bills have piled up due to being in a self-payment gap, I need so much still and more medical bills are coming. I need 2 but I owe 1 and don't have the other 1 and 1 and what I'm getting is like a 0.2 and my head hurts because I can't even figure out simple maths anymore.
Box-dye it's going to be.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Officially 3rd Trimester
Can you believe I'm already in my final step of pregnancy, it feels like just yesterday that I fell pregnant to begin with. Today I'm feeling quite okay with the fact that I'm about to have a baby, but ask me in an hour and it might be a different response.
I went for my scan on Friday, it was the best one to note. We got the best 4D and you could see his face so clearly. I'm in love. I really am, and it looks like he has my awful little, ski like button nose. D couldn't make it, his house was broken into with his madam inside, I know it's terrible to think and even say out loud, I wasn't really worried or sympathetic for her. So my mommy and little sis came along and they seem just as in love as me.
He weighs 859grams, doc said that's healthy, but then my mom pointed out that took almost 7 months and in the next 3 months he still has at least 2kgs to grow...that means I still have a lot to grow and I'm going to be huge!
We also have to book our bed. This is what I've decided. If I have to be induced, I'm having a C-section. If he can see I'll probably end up having a C-section, I'm having one without going into labour. If my baby is to big or facing the wrong direction, I'm having a C-section. I am praying for a manageable natural but am totally fine with a C-section.
Booking a bed, they want so much info and if you not married they want even more and they make you feel like such a terrible person and because I look so young they really make you feel like a awful little whore. I'm some how still a dependent on my mom's medical aid, so they need all my info and all my mom's info. Then the baby is going under D's medical aid because his company pays so they need all his info but his company only puts baby on when he has a birth certificate and I can't put him on mine coz I'm still a dependent on my parents and I told everybody months ago we were going to have this problem - clearly no one listened and now I have no idea what to do.
Oh and can you believe this, part of the deal with the private clinic I'm going to they supposed to register your baby for you and sort out the birth certificate but because I'm not married they won't. Are we not in the 21st Century where marriage was not a have to.
There is so much to sort out and still do. I think my body had just gone into automatic mode because I'm not stressed at all.
I went for my scan on Friday, it was the best one to note. We got the best 4D and you could see his face so clearly. I'm in love. I really am, and it looks like he has my awful little, ski like button nose. D couldn't make it, his house was broken into with his madam inside, I know it's terrible to think and even say out loud, I wasn't really worried or sympathetic for her. So my mommy and little sis came along and they seem just as in love as me.
He weighs 859grams, doc said that's healthy, but then my mom pointed out that took almost 7 months and in the next 3 months he still has at least 2kgs to grow...that means I still have a lot to grow and I'm going to be huge!
We also have to book our bed. This is what I've decided. If I have to be induced, I'm having a C-section. If he can see I'll probably end up having a C-section, I'm having one without going into labour. If my baby is to big or facing the wrong direction, I'm having a C-section. I am praying for a manageable natural but am totally fine with a C-section.
Booking a bed, they want so much info and if you not married they want even more and they make you feel like such a terrible person and because I look so young they really make you feel like a awful little whore. I'm some how still a dependent on my mom's medical aid, so they need all my info and all my mom's info. Then the baby is going under D's medical aid because his company pays so they need all his info but his company only puts baby on when he has a birth certificate and I can't put him on mine coz I'm still a dependent on my parents and I told everybody months ago we were going to have this problem - clearly no one listened and now I have no idea what to do.
Oh and can you believe this, part of the deal with the private clinic I'm going to they supposed to register your baby for you and sort out the birth certificate but because I'm not married they won't. Are we not in the 21st Century where marriage was not a have to.
There is so much to sort out and still do. I think my body had just gone into automatic mode because I'm not stressed at all.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Thing I know
Things I Know - I still want
- I want a successful clothing line
- I want to go to New York
- I want to go to the East
- I want to trust again
- I want a truly happy child
- I want a house in Joburg and in Cape Town
- I want a Pot-Belly Pig
- I want to run a marathon
- I want to go to a high tea
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Some Honesty...hard to find.
I found this really cool site/blog Scary Mommy. This post terrified me but I loved it and I guess I needed it, I need the details, I need them even though I don't want to hear them because I don't know 2 ply toilet paper is going to be a blessing for my first pee after I push out a baby.
Go have a look, if you like me I'm pretty sure you will love and adore her.
Go have a look, if you like me I'm pretty sure you will love and adore her.
The Hospital Checklist
I am done having babies.
(I think.)
I will (probably) never again feel the familiar wave of nausea roll over me and see the bright blue lines appear on a positive pregnancy test.
I will (most likely) not be found shopping for bottles or pacifiers or infant car seats to be used by my own precious offspring.
And, I’m (pretty) confident that I will never again make a hospital checklist.
So, as a former member of the expectant-mother-club, I consider it my duty to impart my knowledge onto the new breed of yet-to-be mothers.
I present you with the hospital checklist I’d make, if I were having another baby. (Which, despite my raging baby fever, I am 99.9 percent positive I don’t want. And, no, this is not my way of telling you that I’m pregnant. I’m not. Not even a little.)
Here you go…
• The No Shit, Sherlock items: The picture perfect outfit to take the baby home in, car seat, camera etc. Duh.
• A roll of good quality toilet paper or wipes. That first pee after giving birth is brutal. Hospital grade toilet paper feels like sandpaper and you don’t need that rubbing against your bruised lady parts. Trust me.
• An extra bag. You’ll be sent home with diapers, wipes, formula, and more. It’s like a new mother’s Halloween! Make sure you can schlep all of your loot or you’ll be kicking yourself the next week at Babies”R”Us. That crap is expensive.
• Shampoo, conditioner and body wash. The first shower you take after you give birth will be the best shower of your life and the hospital products suck.
• A Blindfold. For yourself. Girlfriend, you are going to look like hell. Better just not to see it.
• Food. You’re going to be starving and hospital food is revolting. Stock your fridge with all the stuff you haven’t been able to eat in 9 months. And, make sure to lock it from your husband. He’s eaten enough.
• Extra strength maxi pads. The ones at the hospital haven’t changed in a century. Seriously, they practically have belts. A box of extra strength Always will be one of the best investments you make.
• Maternity yoga pants. It’s total bullshit, but you will leave the hospital looking as pregnant as you went in. It’s tragic, but true.
OK, moms: What did I leave out?
Pregnancy Yucky's
I do understand the gift of having a baby and I love it when Peanut moves but I hate pregnancy. I just do. I'm not good at it. I'm not graceful. I hate it when people say "Look how big you've gotten" when would a woman want to hear that. I hate spending time on getting ready just to hear how "cute" I look, I miss looking sexy, gorgeous and beautiful.
Yucky's for this week
Yucky's for this week
- My ass is finally getting bigger, wider, fatter, kind of like J-Lo's but on a good day.
- Stretch marks are creeping slowly across my huge ass love handles, like vines of evil.
- Heartburn, um no, they really need a new name for this experience during pregnancy because it is not heartburn. It's a flame of torture, that rips your insides a part for hours at a time.
- Gooey stuff from nipples has doubled, this I really can't handle.
- Dry scalp - Holy Moses and I have almost black hair and nothing helps.
- I can no longer tie my own shoe laces
- Getting in and out of a bath is also getting quite tricky
- I am getting little blue veins on my boobs - this made me cry.
- Crazy dreams and I mean crazy dreams and I'm used to being a nut while I sleep. We talking killer peas with little arms and legs and evil faces marching single file line into my room to kill me with there little spears and bow and arrows.
- BITCH syndrome, I have already warned everybody around me.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Baby Shower Invites
These are my invites to the baby shower, it's a carnival theme with bunting, popcorn, cotton candy and even face painting. I printed them on brown card board so they looked like a real old circus ticket and popped them into red envelopes. My mom did the design, she is just fantastic, I can't really say it enough. I'm going to be about 8 months pregnant by then, I know we leaving it late but I wanted warm weather so I'm really praying on that day I'll feel great and not be to swollen and hopefully I can find something decent to wear. I'm really looking forward to it though. I love throwing party's, I always go super crazy and love having people walk in and feel like they in a fairy-tale.
Nobody makes me feel better quite like my mommy
If you ever did meet me you would think I was sweet and innocent, I have one of those faces. It's how I've gotten away with so much and how I get what I want when I want it. It won't take you long to realise I'm far from bubbly and loud, you can mistake my reservation and quietness as rude and stuck up or you can carry on thinking the whole candy like niceness applies to me or you take your time on breaking down my walls and then I'll love you forever and I am nice to those I love and I am sweet when I feel it, innocence unfortuantly left me years ago.
This being said, I can openly admit my niceness is limited to those I truly like, my sweetness is a rare gift and my sarcasm and dry humour can often bite and it normally bites the ones I love. To put it simply I can be a bitch, a real, nasty, stubborn and down right awful bitch. I do know this and sadly I even know when I'm doing this most of the time. it's like another person inhabits my body. It comes out when I'm not getting my way, when I'm not my mothers center of attention, when I'm hungry or over tired, generally this side of me can come out to play at any point.
This being said my poor mother has been taking this personality at full strength this last week. Honestly if I think about Peanut pulling any of it on me, I'd whack him one across the head. I have even stomped my foot in a blow out, like a 4 year old, because she didn't want to do something in her house the way I wanted it to be.
I can blame it on pregnancy, I do blame the stomping of the foot on pregnancy, I'm a bitch not a brat. yesterday I was so awful to her, I really feel bad, here I am taking over her life by being pregnant, single and 23 in her house when she should be celebrating not having to look after child. Despite my awful rampage yesterday, she knows how miserable I am and when I phoned her crying this morning telling her how much I hate my life it didn't matter how I treated her yesterday she just seemed to want me to smile today.
She is leaving work early so we can go for lunch and look for a bed for Peanut and do some retail therapy. Just hearing that calms me and makes my day better and makes me feel like everything is going to be alright. I love my mom more than words can ever say, she is my silver lining on a dark cloudy day.
This being said, I can openly admit my niceness is limited to those I truly like, my sweetness is a rare gift and my sarcasm and dry humour can often bite and it normally bites the ones I love. To put it simply I can be a bitch, a real, nasty, stubborn and down right awful bitch. I do know this and sadly I even know when I'm doing this most of the time. it's like another person inhabits my body. It comes out when I'm not getting my way, when I'm not my mothers center of attention, when I'm hungry or over tired, generally this side of me can come out to play at any point.
This being said my poor mother has been taking this personality at full strength this last week. Honestly if I think about Peanut pulling any of it on me, I'd whack him one across the head. I have even stomped my foot in a blow out, like a 4 year old, because she didn't want to do something in her house the way I wanted it to be.
I can blame it on pregnancy, I do blame the stomping of the foot on pregnancy, I'm a bitch not a brat. yesterday I was so awful to her, I really feel bad, here I am taking over her life by being pregnant, single and 23 in her house when she should be celebrating not having to look after child. Despite my awful rampage yesterday, she knows how miserable I am and when I phoned her crying this morning telling her how much I hate my life it didn't matter how I treated her yesterday she just seemed to want me to smile today.
She is leaving work early so we can go for lunch and look for a bed for Peanut and do some retail therapy. Just hearing that calms me and makes my day better and makes me feel like everything is going to be alright. I love my mom more than words can ever say, she is my silver lining on a dark cloudy day.
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