Last Trimester

Controversy

The last time I checked we were living in the 21st Century. Sex, drugs and Rock n Roll are normal, you allowed to be gay except for the few narrow minded fools out there. The colour of your skin doesn't matter or at least shouldn't matter, once again a few narrow minded fools. Woman can vote, woman can work, woman can choose to marry or not, to bear children or not. Once again freely despite a few narrow minded fools.

Now I'm not talking about the few narrow minded fools, they don't qualify in my life to be written about, I am talking about the rest of us. Who I know are open minded, forgiving humans and understanding people. The people I know for sure are pretty okay with most of the above things I mentioned or at least they say they are until it slaps them in the face.

Over the last 7 months I have come to be utterly shocked in peoples disgust and disapproval in falling pregnant outside of marriage. Some close to me, as close as family, a few in the church, not to surprised there, friends and strangers who stare at my belly and seeing I'm young instinctively look at my left index finger for the ring and then shake there head when they see none.

Now everybody has a right to there own opinion, fair enough, or I'd probably be shut down, but here is my thing. If you are racist you normally racist behind the person's back (besides those fools), in the car or whispers to a friend. Same goes with homosexuality  and woman's rights and all other controversy to "normal society" rules.

How is it okay to make us woman who fell pregnant, oh and by the way we don't actually make this happen on our own, feel like tramps, ban from certain things and opportunities and already decide we are bad examples for children and are expected to be bad mothers and have delinquents as children.

I am rebellious by nature, I enjoy being rebellious, I have a problem with authority and rules are meant to be broken, never give me a uniform I will alter it and if I make you uncomfortable chances are I'll want to see how far I can push you. I have always been the center of controversy even when I'm not trying however I never expected this kind of treatment just from being knocked-up without a man by my side.

Here's why. Yes it's not great to have multiple sexual partners, believe it or not I was raised with high morals and values and I actually only wanted to be with one, it's not my fault men are generally assholes and that one loved drugs more than me. But honestly who the hell are still virgins by say, 20, and if you are that's really great but it's a very small number.

Now if we have all had sex and we all know if you actually wait for your wedding night that night is going to be really bad sex because you going to have no idea what to do. We all know the risks involved, we all know it's pretty much all guys want, we know about STD's and we know it makes baby's.

So why the big hoo-haa about me not being with the daddy, and why don't you go stare him down, he's the one who walked the fuck out. I could of had an abortion, would that have made everybody feel better but I bet when they find out you have had an abortion, then well once again you are pure evil for having sex and falling pregnant.

These are the things said to me when people find out I'm pregnant or they see I'm pregnant -

• Congratulations!!!
• And the Daddy? (Trying the polite way of saying are you still with the father or have you just screwed up another childs life)
• What surname is he going to have? (My worst question ever)
• Do you still live with your parents? (because you can't possibly be a normal, functioning adult and they hoping your parents are going to raise your child you have to be screwing up) 

Then there are the few that are nice to your face and make waves behind your back. The people who add in a sly comment on divided homes and the damage this cause's children. The people who don't say anything, not even congratulations because it makes them to uncomfortable.

Guess what though, I love my son and I will give him the best life I possibly can and enough love for a hundred parents and normal families. We not a normal family but we will be an amazing one and knowing my child he wouldn't want to be normal anyways.

Aiden

The Search

You see those blocks, I want blocks like that, I have been hunting for them, I want the wooden ones. Not the awful plastic ones you find. If you know where to get them please let me know. 

Only 11 weeks!!!

I think next week when I hit 10 weeks I might have a full blown anxiety attack and end up in a mental institution. It's all going way to quickly and my life is so jam packed with a hundred things to do and full weeks and weekends don't seem to be ending so I'm not getting everything I need done, done.

In 5 weeks I'm having my baby shower, I'm really excited but it has become so time consuming and not sure how I'm going to pull off such a huge party. We went to China mall yesterday, my first time there. It's like heaven to me. So many stores of completely useless crap you don't need but so want. We bought such amazing stuff for the party and things for the kids that are coming to take home. For the first time we going to be having about 15 kids at my house, this scares me a little as they all range from 2 months old to about 10 years old. I don't know where they all came from, they just appeared but I think they'll love my party madness more than anybody else as we turning my back yard into a circus with a huge marquee and all.

Aiden's room is still empty, no curtains, no bed, no dresser, pretty much no nothing. I know he won't be in there for a while but I still like things to be finished and perfect. I want to wait till after the shower to really buy things, only problem is my shower is 4 weeks till Aiden's birth and if my doctor decides a C-section will be better it could be as soon as 2-3 weeks before he arrives.

One good thing is I start ante-natal classes tomorrow evening, I'm dragging my sister along as she is going to need to know what to expect and I want to scare the living daylights out of her so that she never has sex and never lands up in my position until she is happily married with prince charming or something close to it.

A friend of mine from youth, C, watched a video of birth, not sure why he actually witnessed this but he did and apparently this video claims the best way to give natural birth is by squatting. He shared this with me, I think he thinks that this is the way a lot of woman do natural birth. As a result I have been having nightmares of squatting, this seems even more undignified than the other 2 options I was already thinking of.

Apart from the stress of money and getting things done, I am extremely over pregnancy. I am getting so big and so uncomfortable and my waddle is coming on rather nicely. I always feel like I am over heating and summer hasn't even hit yet. My boobs are so blady sore and the nose bleeds are a real irritant. Morning sickness makes the start of everyday awful and my fat feet are disgusting.

Things I Know - about having a baby

• I know I don't know much
• Breastfeeding is free
• Formula is damn expensive
• Breastfeeding - every 2 hours
• Formula - every 4 hours
• Gripe water is amazing

That's all I know, I'm in trouble, oh shit, panic attack!!!

(My dad read my blog for the first time tonight, he's paying for antenatal classes! So no need to panic about my baby everybody.)

Happy Spring Day!

I love spring, I love summer, I love flowers and ice lollies and dresses and cocktails next to the pool. Today is my favourite day of the year. I want to make flowers and put them all over my mom's house this summer. Don't they just make you smile.

Questions

I have decided to skip the anti-natal classes/ pre-natal classes, whatever they called because I chose seeing a lawyer is more important and I can't afford both. So I am going to have to start reading up on the birth thing and some parenting books on baby's coz I know nothing. Also I really do think I will learn as I go, I'm mostly stressed about the birth and breast feeding, those are 2 things I don't really want to stuff up. Some things I just want to know because it interests me and I really can't make a decision about them.

Here is one, dummies. Yes / No / Maybe



I really like this one and if it works as a mute button, why not.



Love these too.

Besides from the fashion element here, I really don't know if I should go down this route and woman seem to have strong opinions on the dummy. I just think they crazy, it's just a dummy, right....or am I wrong.

I shouldn't but I'm gonna

I really want to win this one, so telling you all about it, lessons my chances but I love you guys and Fiona from Remember when we were young holds a soft spot in my heart and I get an extra entry as well. If you don't know about the amazing babytees go have a look. It's an Alternative to Winnie the Pooh and Ben 10. They have amazing clothes for your wee one and they running a competition this week.

Go have a look at Fiona's blog and get all the finer details and I wish you the best of luck.

Door Mat

I fell into such a slump the last few weeks, in the end I didn't even want to be around me. I could blame it on pregnancy but that would be a lie. I know myself to well, I am moody, extremely moody, it runs in the family.

I started playing victim again, I'm not a victim, I was stupid, I got knocked up and the man left. It happens all the time. It's not right but shit happens and then you deal with it and in the end all this is going to make sense and the pain and anger will all have been worth it and maybe one day, far, far into the future you will even laugh about it without the laughs turning into cries.

That is my mantra. I tell myself that quite often, doesn't always work but it is actually the truth.

I will give myself a little bit of slack because I have been over doing it and allowing everyone be involved in everything and listened way to much to peoples opinions. One thing I have definitely learnt through all this is if you don't like family politics, gossip, scandal, being the center of attention and people all trying to have a piece of you, don't have a child out of wedlock. It's exhausting!

What I do know is this. I want D in Aiden's life, I have said this and believed this from day one, even when he was mean and nasty and wishing it all away. We get along really well and are actually good friends despite the circumstances. I don't want to fight and have a custody battle, I don't want Aiden not to have his real father love him and show him the ropes.

However, if I look back on the last 6 months, I took niceness and forgiveness a little to far and have turned into a door mat, I'm not a door mat, I've never been one and I am not going to turn into one. As much as I want D in Aiden's life, I will not beg, run after or cry over the situation anymore because truth be told, I'm not actually in love with the guy, we were together 2 months, if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't even have given him a second thought when we broke up.

We having a child together and for my son I will love and respect D, I will play nice and fair and I really pray that it remains the way it has been going over the last few months but it will be by my rules and when I am ready to do things and allow things. As long as it is a good and healthy environment for my son I am happy but it is not my job to make D happy and comfortable. He walked out and he must walk in and do what needs to be done to show he means it. Not me.

Cheesy but true

I"m not a huge fan of Christina Aguilera, I wouldn't even call myself a fan at all, she has some good songs though if you truly listen to the words. These are the words from her song "Fighter" they go so well with my life right now and I know everything is going to be okay because I'm not a quitter and I have gotten through so much already that this is just another part of my journey.

Fighter by Christina Aguilera

[Spoken:]
After all that you put me through,
You think I'd despise you,
But in the end I wanna thank you,
'Cause you've made me that much stronger

Well I thought I knew you, thinkin' that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff time is up
Cause I've had enough
You were there by my side, always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames cause your greed sold me out in shame

After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
Cause it

[Chorus:]
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game
I heard you're going round play, the victim now
But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame
Cause you dug your own grave
After all of the fights and the lies cause you're wanting to haunt me
But that wont work anymore, no more,
It's over
Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
Cause it

[Chorus]

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretend not to know the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
YOU-WONT-STOP-ME

I am a fighter and I
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

[Chorus]

You thought i would forget
But I remembered
Cause i remembered
I remembered
You thought i would forget
I remembered
Cause i remembered
I remembered

[Chorus]

Baby Shower Madness

I like things big, I like things extreme, I hate settling for less and throwing party's are a love of mine I just can't explain. My baby shower is 100 people and counting because there have been a few more I've decided I want there to share the special day with me. Honestly, the invites are just family and close friends. I didn't want people there I didn't care for. Oh well, here are some things I have to make in the next 6 weeks before the party. I think I'm mad to attempt this challenge seeing as my baby room is still empty, I'm now trying to sort out all legality's and I think the phase "you carrying so small" is going out the window really quickly.

BUNTING.... about 20 - 30m of the stuff



SIGN BOARD, what carnival doesn't have one showing you where the photo booth is



PHOTO - BOOTH....I'm a happy snapper



SEPARATE FOOD STALLS...why I don't know, I'm compulsive like that.





PUNCH...one with extra punch for those who will need it....mom...oh and it has to look this cute



Yes the food will look like this









Yes, I am demanding, my mom reminds me of this everyday.

I really do love you

I started this blog the first week I found out I was pregnant, it was anonymous and I sent the link to only a few close friends and family. I tried to keep my pregnancy a secret for a long time. Not sure what the point of that was but in the beginning I was embarrassed and ashamed and devastated that I was a statistic.

I couldn't believe that I, had become a girl who got knocked up and left and destined to become a single mom. I have made so many mistakes in my life, been a drug addict, bulimia, dated really horrible men, kicked out of school and so forth. I'm in no way innocent of stuff up's but I always knew that this wasn't my mistake to make. Falling pregnant with a man's child who didn't love me. Not possible. I'm a bit of a prude, really I am, not in a sense of innocence more in the sense I really don't sleep around and truly believe in trying to have only one partner not only in marriage just one person. No D was not my first, goodness gracious wouldn't that be a disaster. I just never saw myself in this situation.

Where I'm going with this is, my blog was me trying to keep sane privately and letting those close to me know what was going on because everybody was so worried. I still don't really know how it came to be such a read blog as my writing is mediocre and my spelling and grammar is terrible (you should see all the red underlined words I have to correct as I write posts).

I love my blog not because it's loved but because it honestly makes me feel loved, it makes me feel normal, it makes me feel less guilty for my feelings, it makes me feel like I'm going to be okay and I'm not the only one out there in the nightmare I call my life. I feel all this because of all of you. Your comments and constant support do not go unnoticed and often bring me to tears.

This last week or so has been tough and I really have been struggling and at times wish for an easy way out. So this post is dedicated to you all, your words have meant the world to me and have kept me calm when all I want to do is scream, made me smile when I saw no light actually when I saw no tunnel, your advice as been great and lending a helping hand has touched my heart.

Aiden is kicking his heart out while I write this post, so I'm taking it as he's thanking you to.

Pregnancy Yucky's

I only have 12 weeks to go, yikes, and my body is morphing into a big blow up fish and I'm starting the famous waddle.

• I really do grow over night, proven by the fact that the people around me say I am double the size of yesterday.


• Nose bleeds have always happened but now they an every night thing.


• My sore outer ears from sleeping on them to long are back.


• Sleep, hahahaha, I literally make a cave of pillows before I get into bed hoping it will give me some comfort back.


• My belly ring scar, which is now a mini crater, has ripped on the side and is SO itchy, please if you young and reading this, don't get one or a tattoo on your stomach.


• Itchy burning nipples - intensity 11


• Tender breasts is the correct word - I think a better description would be someone giving them one of those chinese bangles, while poking them with a sharp object and pouring itchy powder in your bra. ( I want my small boobs back, this ain't worth it)

S.O.S

I have decided to go see a lawyer, just to know what my rights are and to get more clued upon everything. So I am looking for a good one that isn't going to bankrupt me. If anybody has any recommendations or has used anybody who is great and to the point. I'm not looking for a custody battle or a fight just advice.

Please help?

Dear Daddy

© Kandice R. Graves (11 Years Old)

I need you now.

Please take me by the hand.

Stand by my hour of need,

take time to understand.

Take my hand, dear daddy 

and lead me from this place.

Chase away my doubts and fears 

and wipe away my tears.

Dear daddy, I cannot stand alone.

I need your hand to hold.

The warmth of your gentle touch,

in my world that’s grown so cold.

Please be a daddy to me 

and hold me day by day,

because with your loving hand in mine 

I know we'll find a way

Last Chance

© Stefanie (14 Years old)

My heart aches, dad,

For the things you won’t do

My soul breaks, dad,

For all that we’ve been through

I fear it’s too late, dad,

To mend my broken heart

I’m so full of hate, dad,

I don’t know where to start

You took away my hope, dad,

That I would ever be loved

And now I’m left to cope, dad,

As I watch you love your son

I want to scream and yell, dad

But I fear my voice will crack

I want so much to tell you, dad,

That I can’t always take you back 

Please listen to my words, dad

For they are all that I can say

I want you to treat me like I’m yours, dad

And not just throw me away

Daddy If You Hear Me...

© Julie (12 Years old)

It's dark in here as I swim around in my mommy's womb

I don't have eyes to see yet, but I can feel 

I can tell my mommy loves me, she tells me everyday

I feel her cold hands warm up, as she lets me know she's there

I feel the vibration of her voice, as she sings me a lullaby

She eats all my favorite things, even the stuff she shouldn't

Her hands let me know I'm safe as they sooth me to sleep

I know my mommy loves me, I can feel it in her touch...

But my daddy's touch I hardly feel

I know his hands are soft and warm

His voice is firm, I feel the strong vibrations

I look for him at night, wishing his hands could keep me warm

I listen for him in the morning, wondering if he remembers I'm here

My mommy feels sad, I sense her pain too

Could it be because she misses my daddy, the way that I do?

I wonder if my daddy loves me

only his touch can answer that

does he think of me often

or wonder what I look like

is he excited about me

has he thought of a name for me at all

does he worry about me or pray for me

or dream of me at night...

I wonder if he knows how hard mommy is working

to keep me healthy and alive

I wonder if he knows how tired she feels

or of her aches and pains that keep her up at night

I wonder if he hears her cry, the way that I do...

So daddy if you can hear me

I need your touch as much as I need mommy's

I need to feel that you are there, keeping me safe

I want to hear your voice softly soothing me to sleep

I need to know that you love me everyday

and that you are happy that I'm here

I need you to comfort my mommy, she needs you more than ever

she needs to be strong and healthy to keep me alive and well

maybe she feels the same way I do

and just needs to feel your touch too

or maybe you can let her know you love her

and try to understand what she's going through...