Right for Me

I never knew you could learn so many lesson's in such a short time, I feel like I'm a completely different person to who I started as at the beginning of all this.

Obviously being your general, selfish 23 year old who vowed was never getting married or popping out baby's, what I knew about pregnancy and motherhood was and for the most part still is below zero. So I have spent most of the past 7 odd months living off people's opinions. Now I'm not talking about advice, I'm talking about opinions and there is a difference.

You can tell the difference, when it rest's easy and you take it in, it's usually advice and when it irritates you and pisses you off it's opinion and in the world of pregnancy and motherhood there is a mountain of opinion, judgement and competition it seems.

I've been battling with the decision of whether to go natural or C-section right from the beginning and have changed my mind a hundred times. Not because of what is right for me but because f what seems right to everyone else.

Everyone has a scary natural birth story and everyone has a scary C-section story. Everyone seems to know what's best. Everyone seems to know whats best but no one seems to have stopped to think, what would be best for Jess.

My medical history is a tricky one and my love for doctors, dentists and needles is shameful. I was the kid you could hear screaming from the reception area when getting my blood taken and this was before they had taken the needle out of the packet. I blatantly refused to open my mouth at the dentist and have been put under for every small tooth extraction.

This has never changed, no matter how old I get or how many times I have had it all done. When I was 12 I was put under for a "bladder operation" a simple catheter to fill my bladder with fluid, while awake never. To much pain.

When I got my braces at 16, the dentist gave me happy gas when he put them on because I was in such a state of anxiety.

When I was 21 and had to have blood taken I cried in the car and my mom got the nurse to come out and convince me to come in and promised to use the same needle she uses on babies.

My mom or sister hold my hand every time I get my blood taken, I cry every time I have to get this done.

My GP gives me local anesthetic before giving me and injection in my ass.

I'll happily sit through a horror movie, I cringe and hide under the blanket if anything has to do with a doctor or a needle appears on tv.

I fainted at the front of the church at my best friends wedding from heat and nerves.

I fainted when I got my belly ring and wouldn't let the piercing guy do my second ear lobe, this was after making my mom take me to get my ears pierced like 10 times and chickening out every time.

I'm scared of roller-coasters.

I'm scared of the dark.

I have been to so many specialists since I was 16 trying to find out what's wrong with me before being diagnosed with arthritis. So I have been on chronic medication for 8 years before falling pregnant. So I wasn't healthy to begin with.

I have had a long and hard pregnancy, I've been so ill and had so many bladder infections and even hyperglycemia and anemia.

On top of this last week I ended up in hospital with threats of pre-mature labour from bleeding. I have a softening cervix and had to go through a steroids course to strengthen my baby's lungs and fasten his growth.

With all this and my past fears and current fears, I have to deal with anxiety and guilt about which way to give birth. When really it should be what's right for me and what I feel is best for my child and I.

I have nightmares about giving natural childbirth, I am absolutely terrified of going through it, plus I don't have a husband by my side supporting me. It's another thing I have to get through by myself. I have a pain threshold that is quite frankly none existent and right now I don't even know if my baby is safer inside me or not.

The thought of being able to choose my date, wake up in the morning, go in, get a epidural which freaks the shit out of me but it will take all pain away and have my baby out in 20 minutes puts my mind at ease and my heart at peace.

Yes I will be in pain afterwards I know this, pain killers I can do, shit I have missed pain killers since I fell pregnant. Maybe it will take longer to get my stomach back but I know lots of woman who have had ceasers and they look amazing now. Maybe it is the easy way out and to woman who can go through natural labour I take my hat off to you but that doesn't mean it's right for everybody and it doesn't mean I'm less of a woman or mother because that's what I choose.

I honestly think it's the way I need to go, I think after all that's happened it's what's going to end up happening so why not just go with it from the beginning and why on earth would I choose pain over no pain.

You should so go

If I could still fly or maybe if I could still be on my feet for longer than 10 minutes, I would definitely be flying down to the beautiful city, Cape Town, to attend this with all my friendlings in the city. So if you are a dweller of the Mother City you should really go to this awesome event for bloggers to meet up, there's cake and awesome prices, oh and awesome people.

The Belly

Made with Love

This is what the nursery is currently looking like and I am no longer allowed to do anything. How it's ever going to get finished is beyond me.

Things I Know

I have had one hell of a week and there is only one thing I know for sure this week

• I LOVE MY SON

30 Weeks - 4D Scan

My little man wouldn't wake up for the scan but we got some nice profile pictures.

Life, Death and Love in between

You don't face that many life or death situations, or at least you shouldn't. When it's you in the situation you kind of just hit survival mode and do what needs to be done but when it hits some one you love and you in the middle of it, it takes a whole new life of it's own.

I've been through it twice with my father, once when he has 11 blood clots go through his lungs and then once when he had a heart attack of some sort and I had to help get him to the hospital. It really is an outer body experience. How the movies portray it is actually pretty accurate. The whole world slows done and becomes a blur around you, colours mix together and the only thing absolutely clear and that makes sense is you and the person you love. At that moment nothing else matters, nobody else matters, voices can't be heard and all sound like a slur of deep sounds pushed into slow motion and thrown at you with people pulling and tugging you and all you want is that one person who at that moment you know might not be there if you come out of this daze. It's safer in the blurry world in the mess where nothing else exists except this love you know you can't live without.

I never want to feel that again when it comes to Aiden. I have never been so scared and so desperate for anything bigger than me to save us. I've heard so many stories about cot deaths and miscarriages in pregnancy as late as 7 months and where the baby dies a few days after birth when I woke up to see blood, my whole world started to spin. I knew I wasn't in labour because I hadn't felt a contraction so I knew something was wrong as I had been in so much pain the night before.

My sister and I were the only people home as my folks had gone on holiday and my grandparents had decided to spend the week away. I didn't want to wake my sister up because she had a cycle test at school and I didn't want her to miss it so I took my phone out her room, that's where I've been sleeping lately, and tried to call my mom to find out what I must do. The answer was simple, go straight to the hospital and my sister heard me talking and didn't really give me an option other than, screw the cycle test.

I still don't even remember driving myself to the hospital, I don't remember taking a parking ticket or locking the car, all I know is they sent me right to the labour ward. I remember thinking why they sending me to the labour ward, I'm not having a baby now, I'm no where near ready to have a baby and my sister, she's not ready to watch me have a baby. It's the longest walk ever, it's on the opposite end of the damn hospital and I had to go to like 5 desks before finding the right one.

I remember telling the nurse, something is wrong, blood, pain, 30 weeks pregnant, help. She calmly told me we busy changing shifts someone will help you now. No chairs to sit on and nurses everywhere and they busy swopping shifts. I wanted to scream at the top of my voice. I wanted to tell them if anything happened to my baby I would hunt them down and they would definitely take notice of me then.

Eventually I get some help and I get a bed and they put the monitor on for my baby's heart beat. The minute I heard that heart beat, everything started making sense again. I got to listen to his beautiful heart beat for 30 minutes.

My doctor comes in to do an overall check, the problem with my doctor he is always so positive and never wants to make me panic so he always kind of down plays things. As he's telling me I have to get tests done and stay in the hospital for 24 hours to be monitored in case of pre-mature labour and that my cervix is softening, which apparently is only supposed to happen when you go into labour. On top of that we just going to give you a cortisone shot to fasten he lung development and pills to strengthen you and baby Aiden further.

All this and I must remain as calm and stress free as possible. 24 hours is a long time, when you worrying about the life of your child, while you listen to woman down the hall screaming while in labour and you all alone because the only person who is allowed to be with you all day is the father of your baby but mine doesn't actually give a shit about me and is busy packing for his vacation with his girlfriend.

I made it through though, I made it through because of amazing friends love and prayer. I'm out of the hospital and I am on bed rest for as long as possible. I'm on medication that makes me feel like complete and absolute death. I actually fear taking anymore tablets buts it's strengthening little Aiden as my doctor doesn't think I'll make it through to my 40 weeks.

I'm not allowed to lift my hands above my head, lift anything vaguely heavy, drive in traffic or far distances. I'm not allowed to stand for longer than 10 minutes and then he said "and no intercourse" at first I was so confused, I kind of had to think about what he was saying to me. Then he looked confused, like this is how you ended up this way! I had to laugh at that point, I said, that won't be a problem, I can't even get the father to visit me in hospital.

Dear Aiden

I only have 10 weeks to go and if I decide to go for a C-section like I'm really considering it will only be 8 weeks. For the most part I'm content with everything and at peace with my situation but I keep thinking about how I am going to explain this mess to a child. I will only allow him to read any of this when he is much, much older and hopefully by then I haven't completely screwed him up but for now this is what I feel.

Dear Aiden

There is nothing but the truth, there is no hiding what really happened, I can't pretend this was all meant to happen and I can't tell you, that your father and I made the right decisions. Most people know how this all came about and the story of my pregnancy and most of it I have made public so far.

I do wish I could keep you from the truth, I wish I could put you in a bubble and protect you from all the mistakes I've made, all the mistakes your father has made. People are going to say things, nasty things. They are going to judge you, me and your dad. They might be mean and you might not understand what they are saying when it happens but just know I love you, your dad loves you and most of all God loves you.

When I look back now, I wish I listened to everybody, I wish I understood the love I have for you, I wish I knew the feeling of this bond that I can never let go of and never live without. I never listen to anybody, it's not a good thing so if you like me in that regard please try not to be. I was stubborn and scared and lost and I felt things that I will always regret feeling.

Your dad to, he hides his emotions just as much as I do and I know he regrets the things he did and said, he's made up for it so don't listen to what other people tell you. I already know who will try and tell you, they will try make it sound like it was all his fault but it wasn't, don't be angry at him, don't blame him, he loves you and is so excited for your arrival. We made mistakes together and were both in the wrong at some point.

As much as this is all changing my life, and I am terrified of getting it all wrong, I wouldn't take any of it back, people are going to be really mean, you might hear along the way you were a mistake, that we didn't want you, that people think you have irresponsible parents. It's not the truth not by a long shot.

The truth is, your daddy and I had a whirl wind romance and were caught up in having somebody to love after both being in bad relationships that things moved so quickly and before we knew it you were knocking on my tummy. It was sudden and a shock to both of us, we were scared of our families responses and what the world would think We were angry at ourselves, never at you. We were ashamed of ourselves, never of you. We were mad at each other and all that happened was never towards you it was just a result of fear and being lost and unprepared for what was to be.

So please don't listen to all the stories, never believe what some might say because the only mistake I made was not being able to give you all that I wanted to right from the beginning. I don't know what the future holds, but I am sorry I can't give you a conventional family, I am truly sorry your dad and I never worked out but we are friends and we will always do everything in our power to give you stability and as much love as our hearts can.

We made mistakes and I wish they would never affect you but they are going to, I know they will, and I would do anything to take that pain and hurt away but always know I love you more than anything in the world and you will probably only understand that love once you have a child of your own. I would never take anything I did back if it meant loosing you.

You've stolen my heart and you haven't even arrived yet.

Love your
MOM
xxx

Aiden's First Rock Concert

Last night I went to watch Prime Circle at my sister's school, met up with a few friends and had a awesome time. I have grown up watching bands of all sorts and spending weekends at musical festivals and since I fell pregnant I haven't been to anything of the sort. This is definitely the most sober rock concert I have ever been to, probably the most sober one for Prime Circle to. We were up in the crowd, my sister jumping and going insane while I was slightly bouncing.

Getting Ready!

Ash Darling in the opening band.

My gorgeous sister Casey

Aiden Rocking Out!!!

Things I Know - Emotional warfare

I'm on attack at the moment, be afraid very, very afraid. These are the apologies I know I need to make.

• Keith, I love you, I refused to help him at work and used very disgusting language to express my hate for  my job, working with family and how I just don't care ( later on that day, he was held up by gunpoint, my guilt - times 1000)
• D, for no reason what so ever beside the obvious but still no real reason as we have all moved on and are comfortable with our situation, (mantra), I lashed out at his character, uselessness and brought up behavior and words used over the last 7 months. Maybe true but nothing good came out of it but anger and taking of steps backwards.
• Mom, you on holiday, you deserve a break from everything, especially me, but I hate it when you away, I need you all the time but it doesn't excuse my terrible behavior with you on the phone. Don't feel guilty I was just being a bitch, now go have a cocktail on the beach.
• Dad, now he is a big scary man and I call him a bear, because he is one especially when mad. He only talks once and back chatting is not acceptable, he's just someone who expects respect and gets it and I generally do to mostly because anything else would be like getting blood out of a stone. However this week I was blatantly rude on a few occasions and because I'm pregnant and ill I get away with this behavior. I'm kind of like a 3 year old with puppy dog eyes at the moment.
• Customers, or what I think used to be customers. I should be banned from answering the phones. I do apologize, we are the best and do deliver, and it's not your fault you ask such trivial and stupid questions, over and over again.
• Aiden, I do love you, but it hurts when you kick me in my ribs, and you make me ill in the mornings and you making your mother fat. So those thoughts you sometimes hear are out of frustration and they probably just going to get worse over the next 10 weeks.

Fear of Soccer Mom's

Did I ever mention I never actually wanted children or marriage, but children was definitely never on my plan. Not because I'm young and still partying, I'm just not maternal or openly affectionate. I think babies are ugly and toddlers running around actually aggravate me. People couldn't believe I was pregnant because they to could never imagine me pregnant or being a mom. Actually my mother looks at me on a daily basis and says, "Oh my, you actually pregnant, it's so weird!"

I guess one reason I shouldn't be a mom is because I am extremely selfish but I never wanted them because I never wanted the responsibility of f*cking one up, I've done a good job on my own life so why torture a poor helpless soul. Along with that I always wanted a high powered career, social life and travelling. I love being able to do what I want when I want with out worrying about anything or anybody but myself. Ask my mom, she stopped trying to tell me what to do at I think, 15.

Now along with all that is I have an absolute fear of the ultimate "Soccer mom." My mom is so far from one of these it's not even funny but in a lot of ways she is a mom and has mom tendencies. I don't even think mom's realise they have these or do these things, and I am terrified of falling into that trap. Add to all of this, last year I was young, hot and free. I could have any guy I damn well pleased and I played it to the fullest potential now I am a mom and will be limited to a few who have a fetish for the whole "milf" thing. It's an awful word we really need to get a new one.

I have basically been my sister's taxi for the past few weeks and it's what brought around my logic for this post. I have been observing mothers all around me and it's starting to freak me out. Fetching her from school, the mother cliques, that stand at the gate chatting about how amazing there little genius is. They all wear those "Juicy" type track suits and there child is perfectly groomed to perfection. ( not to bothered, it will never be)

Here are some that scare me, there are parking spaces, lots of them, we all park in them, all the kid's have to walk to the car, except a few, that double park us in or block the road to the cars behind them, so there kid only has to walk a meter to the car. They don't seem to hear the hooters or see the irritated faces. They are oblivious to the world because they have a pass because they are a mother.

Then a few meters down the road the next mom in front of you, slams on breaks causing a traffic jam and you can see her stretching over trying to sort out what I'm guessing is spilt milk. Now I understand if your kid is squirting blood from his ear but can't the spilt milk just soak up calming next to last weeks orange juice mess, so that the rest of us can get back to work or deal with our own child, or the one that nearly popped out of me when I had to slam on breaks so damn hard.

My biggest pet peeve right now, is the question "What is the time?" mom's love this question, it's insane, my mom asks it exactly every 15 minutes. Even if we watching a dvd. She has a watch on, she owns a cell phone and it's only been 15 minutes since we last told her but she has to ask and she HAS to know. Else it's like the world is coming to an end.

The say "hello" say "thank you" thing. Even at 23 I'm still told to do this and it is so embarrassing, here's the thing though we not even given time to do it ourselves before we hear this coming from the background and I've witnessed every mother do this. Including the wiping of the face with spit, asking a hundred times if you have everything, demanding of a sweater being worn even if you travelling through the desert, that includes shoes because without them you will develop pneumonia and die but with all this, they forget everything else and take forever to get out the car and choose a parking space.

No offence to any mom's out there who have any of these traits and do any of these things on a daily basis, I hope you actually laughing at yourself when you imagine what you look like to the rest of the world and lets face it, I'm on my way to a few of these if not all, I am going to fight it though for as long as possible. As proof I haven't completely lost myself to the dark side of mommy-dome, my folks went away this weekend and I did grocery shopping by myself for me and my sister. This is what I walked out with:

• 6 pack Super M strawberry milk
• Pack of Flapjacks 
• Box of milo ice-creams
• Cheese naks
• Fruitos
• Box pizza
• Box of microwave chicken nuggets
• Ultramel toffee puddings
• Banana's
• Milk n Bread

Extreme irresponsibility but it made me feel young, hot and free again!!!

I'm a Christian but I'm not "That" stereotype

Everybody seems to be finding it really strange when I say I go to church again on Sundays and I'm a youth leader on Friday's. People actually take a step back, you get less invites and even if they've known me for years they immediately judge me as your stereo-typical church goer.

I've been in both worlds and questioned both and that's why I can say I am who I am regardless of what anybody says, whether it's the person in church sitting next to me and thinks I say "Shit" to much or my friend who hates Christians and argues with me to try prove I'm incorrect. You either like me the way I am or keep walking because I won't change.

Now I know why most people hate church, trust me I do, I haven't been going for 7 years and if I didn't get knocked up and became sober on Sunday mornings I probably wouldn't be back. Still today I don't really love church, I don't like conformity and rules and I don't like people who live in boxes and unfortuantly that's what a great part of church is. I don't live in that part, believe in that part or take part in that part and there are a lot of us who are actually like that.

Like any organization in life though, you have to remember the goal for that certain group or ideal. When you at work it's a product or customer. Friends it's a relationship. Family it's love. Gym it's fitness and so forth and church it's God, you have to block out all the politics and opinions and focus on what's important.

Now in no way am I a bible basher, I don't shout it from the roof tops and in no way limit myself to a set way of living and I expect no one to have the same beliefs as I do. I have friends from all walks of life and that will never change. I've always had a thing that I don't talk about politics and religion and I always said I won't talk about it on my blog.

However, as everything goes in life at certain stages, some things are a bigger part in your lifes as others and right now this is in my life. So occasionally it will come up. Being brought up in a Christian home my belief in God has always been there and I have always had strong faith. Whether I went to church on Sundays or not. Whether I was doing drugs or partying hard or doing charity work I have never denied that belief or that love.

What I can say is this year has been one of the toughest I have ever been through ever, I have lost a lot and I have gained a lot. I can say with no doubt that if it wasn't for God I'd probably of had an abortion, I would of run as far as my legs would allow. If it wasn't for the people I met at church and the genuine friendships I have made I would of crumbled and fell.

They say God works in mysterious ways. I am living proof of that. Trust me I'm as stubborn as they come and He has worked really hard at getting me to listen and sort my life out and I really believe this was the only way to get me on some sort of track of stability.

Is it easy, no, there are those who have passed comments and judgments on my life and I do just want to walk away, but then there are those who have been there for me through all this. Who have been more excited about my son than I have. Who have given me the most encouraging words and haven't let me give up.

The reason for all this. The biggest lesson I have learned through this whole nightmare is, people are people, we all have issues, we all going through stuff and most of us are actually good people with good hearts and are just taken the wrong way. We judge way to quickly. We point fingers and stop listening because people are a certain way. We forget that that is probably there only way to cope.

Remember

I AM

A Mothers Love

Doctor's visit

I am so sorry for the late update, wasn't near a computer yesterday!

I went to my GP as he is a quarter of my OB, I didn't go to my normal GP as she is basically a glorified drug dealer and brilliant if you need time off but I wanted to be checked properly so I went to Dr. De Kock, he suits his name to the T, he is an absolute ass but a good doctor no matter what you go in for he checks every nose hair and freckle.

I have high blood pressure which is not good because that causes Pre-eclampsia but I have no protein in my urine so I'm clear for now. I also have low sugar blood levels and they have done a full blood check again so we just waiting on those results, he's betting on anemia. Joy to the world. He said I must remember I am 7 months pregnant as he thinks I've forgotten and take it easy and not try accomplish defeating the world right now.

He also made a really lovely comment when he pricked my finger with a needle and I almost fainted, I have an extreme fear of needles, and he laughed and said, "How are you going to get through child birth?" As I said he suits his name.

So basically I have to weigh myself daily, if I pick up more than a kilo a day it's bad and I need to rest as much as possible, which I am really trying to do but it's good news because Aiden can comfortably stay inside me for a while longer.

Thank you for all the concern and sorry once again I made you all worry.

Say a little prayer for me

I have a doctors appointment this afternoon, I'm going to be checked out and tested for "Pre-Eclampsia."
I'm freaking out a bit here, I really am praying my hardest that everything is fine and I just have a monster baby who is eating me alive. Yesterday I was suffering with really bad abdominal pain and feeling very dizzy with a bit of a blurry eye. I also had muscle cramps in my arm. I thought nothing of it, pregnancy has taken it's toll on my body right from the beginning but apparently growing so much in a day isn't actually normal. So I'm going to be checked out, just in case.

I am trying to remain calm as it is rather serious, hospitalization or even inducing pre-mature labour! I hope I am just being over paranoid.

Here is some info on the disease, it's worth reading especially if you pregnant and just be aware of your body.

 http://bellybelly.com.au/pregnancy/pre-eclampsia-pregnancy

Please say a little prayer for Aiden and I.

Pregnancy Yucky's

I am over pregnancy. I hate it now more than I ever did. If you love it that's great for you but I honestly think you lieing.

• Yesterday I measured my belly, it was 101cm, this morning I measured my belly it is now 107cm. The maths - I grew 6cm in a day (I'm a pro measure girl, I studied fashion, I didn't get it wrong)
• Fat feet, itchy feet, hot and sweaty feet, burning feet, I wanna chop off my feet, feet.
• Huge ass
• I pee all day
• I feel like I am over heating all the time, bring back winter.
• I struggle to get up and down from anything.
• I fit basically nothing in my wardrobe, I have no idea what I'm going to wear.
• My gums bleed so much when I brush my teeth
• Morning sickness + bleeding gums = disaster 
• I have already bought bra's one size up, now I need more.
• Shopping sucks
• When you praying it to be over, you realise you have another 10 and a half weeks.