So yesterday I was clearly not a ray of sunshine, I don't think I'm much of one today either but I'll try put a bit of kick in my step before I make everybody suicidal. There's nothing actually wrong, nothing major has changed or any serious news, other than the fact that I'm having a baby. A real one. A living, breathing baby.
So I have decided to have a C-section, now to convince my doctor to not even bother trying natural but I'm sure it will suit him fine, then he can plan he's next round of golf better and it's more money to pay off he's beautiful, shiny, red Ferrari. I was leaning on this decision already then being in hospital and hearing all those horror screams and having so many complications, I just felt I couldn't make it through natural childbirth. Then at ante-natal classes on Tuesday, Casey and I got to watch a birthing video...holy mother of cow, there isn't a chance in a million fantasy years I'm doing that. We saw it come out from start to finish, we saw the doctor cut her va-jaja with nail scissors, we saw a fountain of goo spray out and then an alien head pop out and wiggle around and then this whole friggen body - kapow! Sorry, I have nothing to prove, I don't feel like less of a woman for not even trying, I actually feel like a smart one and I love pain killers.
So because I'm having a C-section, I'll be getting a baby a few weeks earlier! So instead of having like 8 weeks to go, I have 6 weeks to go before I have a living, breathing baby!
Good news is the baby room is practically done, we just need to get the furniture in this weekend and get curtains and bedding. It was a major stress of mine, so yesterday I spent the day painting cupboards and bookshelves and got done what everybody was taking months to do. Yes I wasn't supposed to but Aiden is still inside and now I'm a little less stressed so I think it was worth it.
Then there is the baby bash happening in 3 WEEKS, basically everybody is coming so we talking 90 people in my house. Please pray for good weather else I have no idea what we going to do. The marquee only fits 50, 10 in the kitchen, 10 in the lounge, 10 in the pool room and 10 in the bathroom. I still have 20m of bunting to do, I know, I know, I'm a procrastinator I should of listened to my mom and ordered it. We have to organise the catering and now we will be having a pool again. It was broken so it was going to be drained and emptied and I was going to turn it into a play den for all the kids. Its a huge pool, and thought it would be awesome to fill it with all kinds of balls and those kids tables, and colouring stuff and play doe.etc. but now we having a pool which is great but 15 kids and a swimming pool - please if you coming, bring there cossies but keep an eye I'm in no condition to go diving and saving kids.
I've been at home since I left the hospital, a week of being in bed and then a week of doing some typesetting but still taking it easy. I am so bored already, I'm going back to work next week, even if it's a few times a week, else I'll go insane over the last stretch.
I can't wait for the pregnancy to be over but I'm just as anxious of the journey after it because that one is never over.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Why? OH Why?
Patience is a virtue that I never received. I actually don't think any of us have it in my immediate family but we all lack it in different area's, I however lack it in general. The only place I think I might be more patient is when it comes to queues, traffic and waiters. That sort of thing.
On top of lack of patience, is my high levels of being easily irritated this maybe being a result of having no patience. So incompetence, selfishness, nagging, lateness, constant questions and just possibly invading my space when I haven't allowed you in makes me go insane.
I deal with this frustration by shutting down, being rude, pushing you away and then at some point exploding and then all hell breaks loose and then I am a plain awful human being.
Now although all this is true, don't get it confused with the fact that if I don't have a kineke with you or we don't connect or I don't let you in because very few do, it's not because I'm irritated with you or angry or I don't like you or a result of my lack of patience, I'm just not a chit-chatter, I'm terrible at small talk and I'm often in my own head and I actually haven't noticed you or I think I have said hello already.
Now if you take that part of my personality and attack it and tell me I'm rude because I'm a dreamer or because I don't jump up and down for joy when I see you, or I break your heart because I don't give you enough details about my life and I don't talk to you enough, that patience problem I was telling you about comes into play.
This all explains why I am feeling the way I am feeling at the moment, I think I might explode, why can't people just leave you alone. I'm not talking about everybody, I'm talking about people you might see a lot but aren't actually friends with, family who can actually qualify as strangers, friends who seemingly can't understand the word busy or I'll let you know and just in general does it look like I'm coping with my own life, do you honestly think I have any part of me left to deal with your heart ache, your problems with me, the guilt you so gladly drop at my feet and whether or not I say hello with a fucking smile on my face.
If you ask me "How I'm doing?" every week and every time my answer is "Fine", if I have never opened up to you more than that, if you feel I never let you into who I am, if you feel I jump for joy and am super talkative with some people and not with you, chances are I'm always going to be just "Fine" with you, not because I'm rude or a bitch simply because I have been hurt so bad in the past the amount of people I let in are so few and far between you would be surprised I have any friends.
Oh and it doesn't mean I'm not your friend, or that I don't love you, it's just who I am. I build walls to protect myself, I could just be day dreaming and not all together on the same planet as you at any given time and that I might just never talk about my problems with you or tell you my deep, dark, dirty and juicy secrets but I'll gladly talk about music over dinner with you and don't feel bad there is only one person who knows everything I'm going through when I'm going through it. Who knows all my feelings and can tell you when I'm sad or angry just by looking at me and that's my darling sister.
This is probably going to make sense to no one, and will go over certain heads and I'm still going to feel like this next week because some people in this world are just oblivious to anybody else's feelings and life's and because for some strange reason if I don't call enough during the week, or greet you with a big cheesy ass smile and because I don't pour out my soul every time you ask how I am then I have broken your heart. I'm a selfish friend. I don't like you or some other bizarre concept, it can't possibly because I'm quiet and reserved or just tired or pre-occupied or 8 months pregnant or trying to reconstruct my life that fell to pieces or maybe yeah not everybody likes everybody who cares, I'm not supposed to make you happy you are!
Is God a Christian?
My mom asked me this question this morning. Obviously not expecting me to answer or to dwell on it every chance I got for the last 24 hours. It's a valid question, it's a question with an answer and it's a question that makes you think and humbles your heart.
The answer is obviously "NO," seeing as there is a God to every religion and I can't deny somebody else there God just because He is not exactly the same as mine. Yes I'll tell them about mine if they are interested but I'll never say your God isn't real only mine is. It's not very nice and it is in no way going to make them listen to you.
Then of course you have to look at the fact that to Christians no matter if Baptist, Anglican or Methodist and Catholics and Jews, we all actually love and believe in the exact same God, just different versions of religion and different traditions.
Yes, I am expecting criticism, backlash and maybe even a few phone calls,(Thank goodness my phone is blocked at the moment), regarding those last few paragraphs. I intend to offend no one and just giving my opinion and how I see it to be.
I am just one of those people who generally struggle with things of this nature, maybe it's because I'm always questioning, I tend to over think everything and maybe it's because I love my rebellious nature and I'm scared of loosing that spontaneous side of me. So I occasionally do sit and think to myself maybe we all just crazy and there isn't a God, because sometimes it does feel like He's not there, because sometimes I can't believe if there was God why so many things in this world and in my life happen, because sometimes I just want to die and go no where, I just want to sleep forever and never wake up again and the thought of being happy in heaven for eternity sounds so tiring and there I will actually have to like the people who made this life so damn hard and awful.
I said I was a Christian I didn't say I was very good at it yet or like any one you've ever met. Sometimes I actually wish I wasn't, then I could be a heartless bitch, alcoholic, recreational drug user or live in a selfish existence without being judged and asked, "Aren't you supposed to be a Christian" this question being asked by people inside and outside the church.
The answer to that question is "I'm human!"
I wish there was a point to this post, I just really loved the question and I'll probably be thinking about it for at least another few weeks and could go on and on about all of it. I think the main reason I find it so intriguing especially now is because D is a Catholic or thinks he is or wants to be, I'm not quite sure and people seem to have a huge problem with this.
So Aiden will be half Christian, half Catholic, don't really see the issue. Either way I wasn't planning on baptizing my son, Christening him or even dedicating him. When he is old enough to decide, he can decide if God is a Christian or a Catholic or a Jew and he can make his own choices. One of the main reasons I want to raise my son this way is because if he is anything like me you tell him he is a Christian or he is a Catholic, he is going to try a hundred other opposites and that might just land him in a whole lot more trouble than being half Christian, half Catholic.
The answer is obviously "NO," seeing as there is a God to every religion and I can't deny somebody else there God just because He is not exactly the same as mine. Yes I'll tell them about mine if they are interested but I'll never say your God isn't real only mine is. It's not very nice and it is in no way going to make them listen to you.
Then of course you have to look at the fact that to Christians no matter if Baptist, Anglican or Methodist and Catholics and Jews, we all actually love and believe in the exact same God, just different versions of religion and different traditions.
Yes, I am expecting criticism, backlash and maybe even a few phone calls,(Thank goodness my phone is blocked at the moment), regarding those last few paragraphs. I intend to offend no one and just giving my opinion and how I see it to be.
I am just one of those people who generally struggle with things of this nature, maybe it's because I'm always questioning, I tend to over think everything and maybe it's because I love my rebellious nature and I'm scared of loosing that spontaneous side of me. So I occasionally do sit and think to myself maybe we all just crazy and there isn't a God, because sometimes it does feel like He's not there, because sometimes I can't believe if there was God why so many things in this world and in my life happen, because sometimes I just want to die and go no where, I just want to sleep forever and never wake up again and the thought of being happy in heaven for eternity sounds so tiring and there I will actually have to like the people who made this life so damn hard and awful.
I said I was a Christian I didn't say I was very good at it yet or like any one you've ever met. Sometimes I actually wish I wasn't, then I could be a heartless bitch, alcoholic, recreational drug user or live in a selfish existence without being judged and asked, "Aren't you supposed to be a Christian" this question being asked by people inside and outside the church.
The answer to that question is "I'm human!"
I wish there was a point to this post, I just really loved the question and I'll probably be thinking about it for at least another few weeks and could go on and on about all of it. I think the main reason I find it so intriguing especially now is because D is a Catholic or thinks he is or wants to be, I'm not quite sure and people seem to have a huge problem with this.
So Aiden will be half Christian, half Catholic, don't really see the issue. Either way I wasn't planning on baptizing my son, Christening him or even dedicating him. When he is old enough to decide, he can decide if God is a Christian or a Catholic or a Jew and he can make his own choices. One of the main reasons I want to raise my son this way is because if he is anything like me you tell him he is a Christian or he is a Catholic, he is going to try a hundred other opposites and that might just land him in a whole lot more trouble than being half Christian, half Catholic.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Review: The Blessing
The first book I received from Booksneeze was The Blessing by John Trent and Gary Smalley. Giving the gift of unconditional love and acceptance to your child or to any child you encounter is an amazing thing to be able to do. With Aiden coming so soon and the circumstances in which he will be born into I have to be even more in tune with whether he is feeling loved and accepted. I truly believe you get your sense of self-worth, confidence and love language from your parents and this book is a beautiful journey of just that.
It has taught me how to pass on the Blessing to my son and even to the children in my youth ministry through five elements.
- Meaningful Touch
- A Spoken Message
- Attaching High Value
- Picturing a special future
- An active commitment
Something to make you smile
I want a kid this awesome and talented or at least this freaking cute!!!
Slutwalk Johannesburg
On Saturday the 24 SEPTEMBER is the Slutwalk in Johannesburg, I have been waiting for this event for months and was one of the first to say "I'm Attending" on Facebook - Facebook Event. Unfortuantly I'm not even allowed standing for longer than 10 minutes so going on a protesters walk is just not going to be happening for me and I'll have to wait till next year and hope they hold it again.
It's such a great cause and such an important message to get across and hopefully touch a lot of woman who have been raped or molested and feel that it is there fault and deserve it in any way that that is not the case and that we all stand behind them and support them and that they deserve justice. Here is the site Slutwalk where you can find all the info you need and want and I hope they have thousands attending. Wish I was able to be there and can't wait to here all the feedback.
Mom2B
Don't we all love free stuff, I do, no matter how small. It's free, somebody took the time to give it to me out of some sort of kindness in there heart or because it's the job. Whichever way you choose to look at it.
I received the Mom 2B Pregnancy Shake sample. They posted to my house with neat little pamphlets and my name on the front. The only thing I have been receiving in the post is OB GYN bills so this was really exciting for me.
I received the Mom 2B Pregnancy Shake sample. They posted to my house with neat little pamphlets and my name on the front. The only thing I have been receiving in the post is OB GYN bills so this was really exciting for me.
If you go to Moomie, a great place where moms and moms to be meet, also great to find out about new products and awesome competitions always running. You can get your shake sample to.
It is really yummy and I am a fussy, fussy eater. It contains all the essential nutrients, vitamins and minerals for both you and your little one. It helps with nausea (always a good thing) and your digestive system (jackpot). I'm definitely going to try out a whole tin and it's for expecting and lactating mom's. Love, love products that cover more than one aspect of your journey.
Pregnancy Yucky's
I'm 31 weeks so it's 9 weeks if I go natural and only 6/7 weeks if I go for a C-Section. I'm going to see my Doc next week so then we will now for sure. I must say I don't know how I'll make another day never mind weeks.
- Sandman spells, I get these instant exhaustion spells, I'll be fine one minute and then the next I could seriously pass out standing up.
- I get this foot stuck between my ribs and flesh that is extremely painful.
- I get kicked "somewhere near there" that feels like I'm seriously going to pop out the baby right then and there.
- It now looks like I have an alien in my tummy, it moves like a horror movie, it's awful and creepy and gives me nightmares.
- Heartburn, like nothing you have ever felt before, my lungs hurt, I can't actually breath, I become immobile, I actually cry real tears from the pain this causes.
- Back ache, from my neck all the way down to my ass, actually I get ass ache from time to time from all the pressure this heavy bump is creating.
- Sleep, hahahahahahahahhahahahaha, what's that.
- Stretch marks like sneaky vines, they grow daily, I can't really talk about this, it's to heart breaking.
- General moving takes a lot of energy and it's easier to just stay still.
- However staying still is also painful, as certain positions seems to cause pins and needles and cramps.
- My boobs are growing again, who knew they could anymore, I seriously think a boob job gone horribly wrong would still be less painful than this way of doing things.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Right for Me
I never knew you could learn so many lesson's in such a short time, I feel like I'm a completely different person to who I started as at the beginning of all this.
Obviously being your general, selfish 23 year old who vowed was never getting married or popping out baby's, what I knew about pregnancy and motherhood was and for the most part still is below zero. So I have spent most of the past 7 odd months living off people's opinions. Now I'm not talking about advice, I'm talking about opinions and there is a difference.
You can tell the difference, when it rest's easy and you take it in, it's usually advice and when it irritates you and pisses you off it's opinion and in the world of pregnancy and motherhood there is a mountain of opinion, judgement and competition it seems.
I've been battling with the decision of whether to go natural or C-section right from the beginning and have changed my mind a hundred times. Not because of what is right for me but because f what seems right to everyone else.
Everyone has a scary natural birth story and everyone has a scary C-section story. Everyone seems to know what's best. Everyone seems to know whats best but no one seems to have stopped to think, what would be best for Jess.
My medical history is a tricky one and my love for doctors, dentists and needles is shameful. I was the kid you could hear screaming from the reception area when getting my blood taken and this was before they had taken the needle out of the packet. I blatantly refused to open my mouth at the dentist and have been put under for every small tooth extraction.
This has never changed, no matter how old I get or how many times I have had it all done. When I was 12 I was put under for a "bladder operation" a simple catheter to fill my bladder with fluid, while awake never. To much pain.
When I got my braces at 16, the dentist gave me happy gas when he put them on because I was in such a state of anxiety.
When I was 21 and had to have blood taken I cried in the car and my mom got the nurse to come out and convince me to come in and promised to use the same needle she uses on babies.
My mom or sister hold my hand every time I get my blood taken, I cry every time I have to get this done.
My GP gives me local anesthetic before giving me and injection in my ass.
I'll happily sit through a horror movie, I cringe and hide under the blanket if anything has to do with a doctor or a needle appears on tv.
I fainted at the front of the church at my best friends wedding from heat and nerves.
I fainted when I got my belly ring and wouldn't let the piercing guy do my second ear lobe, this was after making my mom take me to get my ears pierced like 10 times and chickening out every time.
I'm scared of roller-coasters.
I'm scared of the dark.
I have been to so many specialists since I was 16 trying to find out what's wrong with me before being diagnosed with arthritis. So I have been on chronic medication for 8 years before falling pregnant. So I wasn't healthy to begin with.
I have had a long and hard pregnancy, I've been so ill and had so many bladder infections and even hyperglycemia and anemia.
On top of this last week I ended up in hospital with threats of pre-mature labour from bleeding. I have a softening cervix and had to go through a steroids course to strengthen my baby's lungs and fasten his growth.
With all this and my past fears and current fears, I have to deal with anxiety and guilt about which way to give birth. When really it should be what's right for me and what I feel is best for my child and I.
I have nightmares about giving natural childbirth, I am absolutely terrified of going through it, plus I don't have a husband by my side supporting me. It's another thing I have to get through by myself. I have a pain threshold that is quite frankly none existent and right now I don't even know if my baby is safer inside me or not.
The thought of being able to choose my date, wake up in the morning, go in, get a epidural which freaks the shit out of me but it will take all pain away and have my baby out in 20 minutes puts my mind at ease and my heart at peace.
Yes I will be in pain afterwards I know this, pain killers I can do, shit I have missed pain killers since I fell pregnant. Maybe it will take longer to get my stomach back but I know lots of woman who have had ceasers and they look amazing now. Maybe it is the easy way out and to woman who can go through natural labour I take my hat off to you but that doesn't mean it's right for everybody and it doesn't mean I'm less of a woman or mother because that's what I choose.
I honestly think it's the way I need to go, I think after all that's happened it's what's going to end up happening so why not just go with it from the beginning and why on earth would I choose pain over no pain.
Obviously being your general, selfish 23 year old who vowed was never getting married or popping out baby's, what I knew about pregnancy and motherhood was and for the most part still is below zero. So I have spent most of the past 7 odd months living off people's opinions. Now I'm not talking about advice, I'm talking about opinions and there is a difference.
You can tell the difference, when it rest's easy and you take it in, it's usually advice and when it irritates you and pisses you off it's opinion and in the world of pregnancy and motherhood there is a mountain of opinion, judgement and competition it seems.
I've been battling with the decision of whether to go natural or C-section right from the beginning and have changed my mind a hundred times. Not because of what is right for me but because f what seems right to everyone else.
Everyone has a scary natural birth story and everyone has a scary C-section story. Everyone seems to know what's best. Everyone seems to know whats best but no one seems to have stopped to think, what would be best for Jess.
My medical history is a tricky one and my love for doctors, dentists and needles is shameful. I was the kid you could hear screaming from the reception area when getting my blood taken and this was before they had taken the needle out of the packet. I blatantly refused to open my mouth at the dentist and have been put under for every small tooth extraction.
This has never changed, no matter how old I get or how many times I have had it all done. When I was 12 I was put under for a "bladder operation" a simple catheter to fill my bladder with fluid, while awake never. To much pain.
When I got my braces at 16, the dentist gave me happy gas when he put them on because I was in such a state of anxiety.
When I was 21 and had to have blood taken I cried in the car and my mom got the nurse to come out and convince me to come in and promised to use the same needle she uses on babies.
My mom or sister hold my hand every time I get my blood taken, I cry every time I have to get this done.
My GP gives me local anesthetic before giving me and injection in my ass.
I'll happily sit through a horror movie, I cringe and hide under the blanket if anything has to do with a doctor or a needle appears on tv.
I fainted at the front of the church at my best friends wedding from heat and nerves.
I fainted when I got my belly ring and wouldn't let the piercing guy do my second ear lobe, this was after making my mom take me to get my ears pierced like 10 times and chickening out every time.
I'm scared of roller-coasters.
I'm scared of the dark.
I have been to so many specialists since I was 16 trying to find out what's wrong with me before being diagnosed with arthritis. So I have been on chronic medication for 8 years before falling pregnant. So I wasn't healthy to begin with.
I have had a long and hard pregnancy, I've been so ill and had so many bladder infections and even hyperglycemia and anemia.
On top of this last week I ended up in hospital with threats of pre-mature labour from bleeding. I have a softening cervix and had to go through a steroids course to strengthen my baby's lungs and fasten his growth.
With all this and my past fears and current fears, I have to deal with anxiety and guilt about which way to give birth. When really it should be what's right for me and what I feel is best for my child and I.
I have nightmares about giving natural childbirth, I am absolutely terrified of going through it, plus I don't have a husband by my side supporting me. It's another thing I have to get through by myself. I have a pain threshold that is quite frankly none existent and right now I don't even know if my baby is safer inside me or not.
The thought of being able to choose my date, wake up in the morning, go in, get a epidural which freaks the shit out of me but it will take all pain away and have my baby out in 20 minutes puts my mind at ease and my heart at peace.
Yes I will be in pain afterwards I know this, pain killers I can do, shit I have missed pain killers since I fell pregnant. Maybe it will take longer to get my stomach back but I know lots of woman who have had ceasers and they look amazing now. Maybe it is the easy way out and to woman who can go through natural labour I take my hat off to you but that doesn't mean it's right for everybody and it doesn't mean I'm less of a woman or mother because that's what I choose.
I honestly think it's the way I need to go, I think after all that's happened it's what's going to end up happening so why not just go with it from the beginning and why on earth would I choose pain over no pain.
Friday, September 16, 2011
You should so go
If I could still fly or maybe if I could still be on my feet for longer than 10 minutes, I would definitely be flying down to the beautiful city, Cape Town, to attend this with all my friendlings in the city. So if you are a dweller of the Mother City you should really go to this awesome event for bloggers to meet up, there's cake and awesome prices, oh and awesome people.
Made with Love
This is what the nursery is currently looking like and I am no longer allowed to do anything. How it's ever going to get finished is beyond me.
Things I Know
I have had one hell of a week and there is only one thing I know for sure this week
- I LOVE MY SON
30 Weeks - 4D Scan
My little man wouldn't wake up for the scan but we got some nice profile pictures.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Life, Death and Love in between
You don't face that many life or death situations, or at least you shouldn't. When it's you in the situation you kind of just hit survival mode and do what needs to be done but when it hits some one you love and you in the middle of it, it takes a whole new life of it's own.
I've been through it twice with my father, once when he has 11 blood clots go through his lungs and then once when he had a heart attack of some sort and I had to help get him to the hospital. It really is an outer body experience. How the movies portray it is actually pretty accurate. The whole world slows done and becomes a blur around you, colours mix together and the only thing absolutely clear and that makes sense is you and the person you love. At that moment nothing else matters, nobody else matters, voices can't be heard and all sound like a slur of deep sounds pushed into slow motion and thrown at you with people pulling and tugging you and all you want is that one person who at that moment you know might not be there if you come out of this daze. It's safer in the blurry world in the mess where nothing else exists except this love you know you can't live without.
I never want to feel that again when it comes to Aiden. I have never been so scared and so desperate for anything bigger than me to save us. I've heard so many stories about cot deaths and miscarriages in pregnancy as late as 7 months and where the baby dies a few days after birth when I woke up to see blood, my whole world started to spin. I knew I wasn't in labour because I hadn't felt a contraction so I knew something was wrong as I had been in so much pain the night before.
My sister and I were the only people home as my folks had gone on holiday and my grandparents had decided to spend the week away. I didn't want to wake my sister up because she had a cycle test at school and I didn't want her to miss it so I took my phone out her room, that's where I've been sleeping lately, and tried to call my mom to find out what I must do. The answer was simple, go straight to the hospital and my sister heard me talking and didn't really give me an option other than, screw the cycle test.
I still don't even remember driving myself to the hospital, I don't remember taking a parking ticket or locking the car, all I know is they sent me right to the labour ward. I remember thinking why they sending me to the labour ward, I'm not having a baby now, I'm no where near ready to have a baby and my sister, she's not ready to watch me have a baby. It's the longest walk ever, it's on the opposite end of the damn hospital and I had to go to like 5 desks before finding the right one.
I remember telling the nurse, something is wrong, blood, pain, 30 weeks pregnant, help. She calmly told me we busy changing shifts someone will help you now. No chairs to sit on and nurses everywhere and they busy swopping shifts. I wanted to scream at the top of my voice. I wanted to tell them if anything happened to my baby I would hunt them down and they would definitely take notice of me then.
Eventually I get some help and I get a bed and they put the monitor on for my baby's heart beat. The minute I heard that heart beat, everything started making sense again. I got to listen to his beautiful heart beat for 30 minutes.
My doctor comes in to do an overall check, the problem with my doctor he is always so positive and never wants to make me panic so he always kind of down plays things. As he's telling me I have to get tests done and stay in the hospital for 24 hours to be monitored in case of pre-mature labour and that my cervix is softening, which apparently is only supposed to happen when you go into labour. On top of that we just going to give you a cortisone shot to fasten he lung development and pills to strengthen you and baby Aiden further.
All this and I must remain as calm and stress free as possible. 24 hours is a long time, when you worrying about the life of your child, while you listen to woman down the hall screaming while in labour and you all alone because the only person who is allowed to be with you all day is the father of your baby but mine doesn't actually give a shit about me and is busy packing for his vacation with his girlfriend.
I made it through though, I made it through because of amazing friends love and prayer. I'm out of the hospital and I am on bed rest for as long as possible. I'm on medication that makes me feel like complete and absolute death. I actually fear taking anymore tablets buts it's strengthening little Aiden as my doctor doesn't think I'll make it through to my 40 weeks.
I'm not allowed to lift my hands above my head, lift anything vaguely heavy, drive in traffic or far distances. I'm not allowed to stand for longer than 10 minutes and then he said "and no intercourse" at first I was so confused, I kind of had to think about what he was saying to me. Then he looked confused, like this is how you ended up this way! I had to laugh at that point, I said, that won't be a problem, I can't even get the father to visit me in hospital.
I've been through it twice with my father, once when he has 11 blood clots go through his lungs and then once when he had a heart attack of some sort and I had to help get him to the hospital. It really is an outer body experience. How the movies portray it is actually pretty accurate. The whole world slows done and becomes a blur around you, colours mix together and the only thing absolutely clear and that makes sense is you and the person you love. At that moment nothing else matters, nobody else matters, voices can't be heard and all sound like a slur of deep sounds pushed into slow motion and thrown at you with people pulling and tugging you and all you want is that one person who at that moment you know might not be there if you come out of this daze. It's safer in the blurry world in the mess where nothing else exists except this love you know you can't live without.
I never want to feel that again when it comes to Aiden. I have never been so scared and so desperate for anything bigger than me to save us. I've heard so many stories about cot deaths and miscarriages in pregnancy as late as 7 months and where the baby dies a few days after birth when I woke up to see blood, my whole world started to spin. I knew I wasn't in labour because I hadn't felt a contraction so I knew something was wrong as I had been in so much pain the night before.
My sister and I were the only people home as my folks had gone on holiday and my grandparents had decided to spend the week away. I didn't want to wake my sister up because she had a cycle test at school and I didn't want her to miss it so I took my phone out her room, that's where I've been sleeping lately, and tried to call my mom to find out what I must do. The answer was simple, go straight to the hospital and my sister heard me talking and didn't really give me an option other than, screw the cycle test.
I still don't even remember driving myself to the hospital, I don't remember taking a parking ticket or locking the car, all I know is they sent me right to the labour ward. I remember thinking why they sending me to the labour ward, I'm not having a baby now, I'm no where near ready to have a baby and my sister, she's not ready to watch me have a baby. It's the longest walk ever, it's on the opposite end of the damn hospital and I had to go to like 5 desks before finding the right one.
I remember telling the nurse, something is wrong, blood, pain, 30 weeks pregnant, help. She calmly told me we busy changing shifts someone will help you now. No chairs to sit on and nurses everywhere and they busy swopping shifts. I wanted to scream at the top of my voice. I wanted to tell them if anything happened to my baby I would hunt them down and they would definitely take notice of me then.
Eventually I get some help and I get a bed and they put the monitor on for my baby's heart beat. The minute I heard that heart beat, everything started making sense again. I got to listen to his beautiful heart beat for 30 minutes.
My doctor comes in to do an overall check, the problem with my doctor he is always so positive and never wants to make me panic so he always kind of down plays things. As he's telling me I have to get tests done and stay in the hospital for 24 hours to be monitored in case of pre-mature labour and that my cervix is softening, which apparently is only supposed to happen when you go into labour. On top of that we just going to give you a cortisone shot to fasten he lung development and pills to strengthen you and baby Aiden further.
All this and I must remain as calm and stress free as possible. 24 hours is a long time, when you worrying about the life of your child, while you listen to woman down the hall screaming while in labour and you all alone because the only person who is allowed to be with you all day is the father of your baby but mine doesn't actually give a shit about me and is busy packing for his vacation with his girlfriend.
I made it through though, I made it through because of amazing friends love and prayer. I'm out of the hospital and I am on bed rest for as long as possible. I'm on medication that makes me feel like complete and absolute death. I actually fear taking anymore tablets buts it's strengthening little Aiden as my doctor doesn't think I'll make it through to my 40 weeks.
I'm not allowed to lift my hands above my head, lift anything vaguely heavy, drive in traffic or far distances. I'm not allowed to stand for longer than 10 minutes and then he said "and no intercourse" at first I was so confused, I kind of had to think about what he was saying to me. Then he looked confused, like this is how you ended up this way! I had to laugh at that point, I said, that won't be a problem, I can't even get the father to visit me in hospital.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Dear Aiden
I only have 10 weeks to go and if I decide to go for a C-section like I'm really considering it will only be 8 weeks. For the most part I'm content with everything and at peace with my situation but I keep thinking about how I am going to explain this mess to a child. I will only allow him to read any of this when he is much, much older and hopefully by then I haven't completely screwed him up but for now this is what I feel.
Dear Aiden
There is nothing but the truth, there is no hiding what really happened, I can't pretend this was all meant to happen and I can't tell you, that your father and I made the right decisions. Most people know how this all came about and the story of my pregnancy and most of it I have made public so far.
I do wish I could keep you from the truth, I wish I could put you in a bubble and protect you from all the mistakes I've made, all the mistakes your father has made. People are going to say things, nasty things. They are going to judge you, me and your dad. They might be mean and you might not understand what they are saying when it happens but just know I love you, your dad loves you and most of all God loves you.
When I look back now, I wish I listened to everybody, I wish I understood the love I have for you, I wish I knew the feeling of this bond that I can never let go of and never live without. I never listen to anybody, it's not a good thing so if you like me in that regard please try not to be. I was stubborn and scared and lost and I felt things that I will always regret feeling.
Your dad to, he hides his emotions just as much as I do and I know he regrets the things he did and said, he's made up for it so don't listen to what other people tell you. I already know who will try and tell you, they will try make it sound like it was all his fault but it wasn't, don't be angry at him, don't blame him, he loves you and is so excited for your arrival. We made mistakes together and were both in the wrong at some point.
As much as this is all changing my life, and I am terrified of getting it all wrong, I wouldn't take any of it back, people are going to be really mean, you might hear along the way you were a mistake, that we didn't want you, that people think you have irresponsible parents. It's not the truth not by a long shot.
The truth is, your daddy and I had a whirl wind romance and were caught up in having somebody to love after both being in bad relationships that things moved so quickly and before we knew it you were knocking on my tummy. It was sudden and a shock to both of us, we were scared of our families responses and what the world would think We were angry at ourselves, never at you. We were ashamed of ourselves, never of you. We were mad at each other and all that happened was never towards you it was just a result of fear and being lost and unprepared for what was to be.
So please don't listen to all the stories, never believe what some might say because the only mistake I made was not being able to give you all that I wanted to right from the beginning. I don't know what the future holds, but I am sorry I can't give you a conventional family, I am truly sorry your dad and I never worked out but we are friends and we will always do everything in our power to give you stability and as much love as our hearts can.
We made mistakes and I wish they would never affect you but they are going to, I know they will, and I would do anything to take that pain and hurt away but always know I love you more than anything in the world and you will probably only understand that love once you have a child of your own. I would never take anything I did back if it meant loosing you.
You've stolen my heart and you haven't even arrived yet.
Love your
MOM
xxx
Dear Aiden
There is nothing but the truth, there is no hiding what really happened, I can't pretend this was all meant to happen and I can't tell you, that your father and I made the right decisions. Most people know how this all came about and the story of my pregnancy and most of it I have made public so far.
I do wish I could keep you from the truth, I wish I could put you in a bubble and protect you from all the mistakes I've made, all the mistakes your father has made. People are going to say things, nasty things. They are going to judge you, me and your dad. They might be mean and you might not understand what they are saying when it happens but just know I love you, your dad loves you and most of all God loves you.
When I look back now, I wish I listened to everybody, I wish I understood the love I have for you, I wish I knew the feeling of this bond that I can never let go of and never live without. I never listen to anybody, it's not a good thing so if you like me in that regard please try not to be. I was stubborn and scared and lost and I felt things that I will always regret feeling.
Your dad to, he hides his emotions just as much as I do and I know he regrets the things he did and said, he's made up for it so don't listen to what other people tell you. I already know who will try and tell you, they will try make it sound like it was all his fault but it wasn't, don't be angry at him, don't blame him, he loves you and is so excited for your arrival. We made mistakes together and were both in the wrong at some point.
As much as this is all changing my life, and I am terrified of getting it all wrong, I wouldn't take any of it back, people are going to be really mean, you might hear along the way you were a mistake, that we didn't want you, that people think you have irresponsible parents. It's not the truth not by a long shot.
The truth is, your daddy and I had a whirl wind romance and were caught up in having somebody to love after both being in bad relationships that things moved so quickly and before we knew it you were knocking on my tummy. It was sudden and a shock to both of us, we were scared of our families responses and what the world would think We were angry at ourselves, never at you. We were ashamed of ourselves, never of you. We were mad at each other and all that happened was never towards you it was just a result of fear and being lost and unprepared for what was to be.
So please don't listen to all the stories, never believe what some might say because the only mistake I made was not being able to give you all that I wanted to right from the beginning. I don't know what the future holds, but I am sorry I can't give you a conventional family, I am truly sorry your dad and I never worked out but we are friends and we will always do everything in our power to give you stability and as much love as our hearts can.
We made mistakes and I wish they would never affect you but they are going to, I know they will, and I would do anything to take that pain and hurt away but always know I love you more than anything in the world and you will probably only understand that love once you have a child of your own. I would never take anything I did back if it meant loosing you.
You've stolen my heart and you haven't even arrived yet.
Love your
MOM
xxx
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