Blank!

I have reached a blank, seriously, I don't even feel human anymore. I'm so tired and overwhelmed and hot and fat that I can't think straight anymore.

In 4 and a half week I am having Aiden.

• I'm scared and nervous and excited and numb and so not ready for whats to come.

In 2 days I am having a HUGE baby shower.

• I have only half packed half of the Thank you gifts.
• I still have 30m of bunting to run through a sewing machine (it will be done on Saturday, just in case you loosing faith in me)
• My house looks like a colourful assortment of all things bright and beautiful, the floor is starting to disappear.
• People are coming to put up a marquee in our back yard tomorrow, and the 40 chairs will be coming for the 80 asses.
• Right now I'm either going to be wearing a black bag or going commando because this week I have turned into a watermelon and basically a black bag is all that will fit and commando sounds the most comfortable.
• I have to leave Saturday morning and give up my control to all the other woman in my life and only arrive for my party - (this scares me more than child birth)
• I have a party full of completely opposite people, two family's, old friends, new friends, church friends however if they don't behave in a nice fashion me and Tash will just be rocking the photo booth as I know she only has my best interest at heart.

I have said this before but each day my hate for pregnancy grows.

• My feet are always huge and itchy and swollen and hot
• Actually most of my body itches.
• Stretch marks here we come
• My boobs don't look the same anymore, this saddens me so much you have no idea, they were the favourite part of my body.
• I'm over emotional
• My back goes into spasms of pain.
• I struggle to get up and down.
• I have zero energy.
• I have zero memory.

But I might just make it out of all this alive.

Thrive off Chaos

I have seen so many psychologists and shrinks in my short 23 years. No seriously a good few, I also been doped up on every anti-depressant you can think of. All just made me worse and I am sadly one of those people who truly don't like anti-depressants. I don't judge you if you do take them I've just been through a really shitty ride with doctors mis-diagnosing me and putting me on and off medication so much that I ended up full blown crazy and in a hospital.

Psychologists are good though and they can't just hand you a bag of pills and say go be a zombie and pretend your problems aren't there. This all being said, just remember I am an addict and can't for the life of me think why any trained professional would put me on schedule 7 anything.

Back to the point. I learned to major things from all that money and time spent and I try remember them all the time.

One - you can't change other people opinions, you can't make a person like you and why would you want to.
This was a result of my ex-ex's mother who absolutely hated me and made my life miserable. No seriously, ever watched "Monster in Law" that lady had nothing on this woman, but we forgive and forget and it's so not the point.

This one I have seriously taken in and actually applied in my life since I heard it. I don't try to please other people, I accept peoples opinion and if I don't agree I quietly nod my head say "ja" and move on. Now Claire and Kay, stop laughing. They would call this the bitch in me but it's also why they love me so.

Two - my one doctor looked at me and said "You thrive off Chaos." Can anybody shout BINGO, lights flashing, drum rolls and all sorts of other awesome images came crashing through my head. I'm not crazy, or depressed or manic or anxious, I just don't like being bored. He said that response was not exactly what he wanted and proves his theory of me. I've never been to another head shrink since that day. I know whats wrong with me, I simply thrive off chaos.

This was his definition of what this means in my life:

When life becomes easy and I am happy for to long, I create or push myself into situations that are hard, crazy and even detrimental to me being alive. I can't choose good men because they would bore me by being supportive and standing by me and I'd probably end up crushing a good man because I would push him to see just how far I could. This creating a bad man which I wouldn't put up with because I deserve the good man. I make the same mistakes over and over because I enjoy sorting things out and solving problems and I know I can. I did drugs because I just wanted to see if I could fight addiction. I've always wanted to travel or go to boarding school or live far away from home because settling down is my biggest fear and I just need to know if I can survive without the people I love the most. When I party, I party hard because anything less than stupid and dangerous just wouldn't be fixable. I am great at getting what I want because I'll simply just take it and if it causes problems or hurts others I'll just fix it because that's what I am good at. I basically will always search for happiness and something better because I thrive when things are going wrong  and I have no purpose when I am not needing to be strong.

I think I paid the guy over R1000 for an hour to tell me all that and basically curse me for life with the fact that I'm good at living in shitty circumstances.

All this I know, and maybe a lot of things I could of avoided in my life. Maybe I do choose shitty men on purpose, maybe they just excite me. Maybe I do look for things to solve. Maybe I do things just to find out if I can make it through.

Don't worry I'm not going to tell you I fell pregnant on purpose, he said I push boundaries not that I am beyond stupid!

And to be completely honest this chaos has broken me, I don't really fell like I am making it through and if I am just barely. I'm counting down the weeks to my baby like it's going to be over once this pregnancy is over but in actual fact, it's only just beginning. I now have a situation of chaos for life and I don't feel like I'm thriving. Right now, as much as normal isn't me. Give me a husband and a mortgage and a 9-5, I'll create some chaos in that life.

This life is just a mess.

Questions with Answers

I normally have questions, well today I have some answers. Maybe there is one or two of my readers going through the same thing as me and I can share some of the things I learned today. Maybe it will be just interesting to know and maybe I can save you some money and if you need a lawyer, I'll happily pass on info on a really good one and a really nice one to.

So here are some answers:

1. Surname - it makes NO difference whose surname the child takes, it gives the parent no more rights, they can't take your child out the country without the other parents permission and if there is a custody battle in the future they don't get bonus points, basically you can name your child Daffy Nicompoop and it doesn't mean anything but that you gave your child a shitty name.
2. New law - both parents have 50% parental responsibility and access to child, meaning, you can't stop a willing parent access from your child even if he doesn't pay you maintenance, its not about you it's about the child, children need love more than shoes, I guess.
3. You can however fight for maintenance.
4. Maintenance is for your child and not to screw over a man.
5. You don't have to let your child sleep over for the first 2 years and longer if it's proven your child isn't ready. (If no bond with father exists)
6. The whole one week with father and one week with the mother really only applies with older children and when they can pretty much choose to live that way.
7. In no way, unless you are a heroin addict and clearly unfit can a man win "permanent residence" of the child.
8. A mother can't leave the country without permission but you can change cities.
9. If you can prove the man has a crazy girlfriend who is a possible threat you can limit access and even only give supervised access but cannot completely stop access until something actually happens.
10. D is a good man but is "Romantically Unstable" (Been trying to describe him for months)
11. I was not stupid to be nice and forgiving it's best for the child and there is nothing I can do about D wanting to be there, being a bitch will get me no where.
12. I'm probably going to fight with D and hate him sometimes but keeping it out of court is smart and saves money.

When I remember more I'll let you know, my pregnancy brain is in full force at the moment but all in all, it was a good day and I feel a lot better about everything. 

People are People

I have very few close friends, I have lots of friends but very few that know me inside out. Yes i write this and I am open and I am honest but it is also limited and if I had to truly write what my heart and mind truly feel. They'd either lock me up, highly medicate me, I'd loose a lot more friends and my family would be highly pissed off at me...ALL the time.

I am always being moaned at about having to many walls, being to unemotional, being cold, being detached and never letting people in, and never trusting people.

Well guess what I was right and you were all wrong!

People just use and abuse you. People disappoint you. People hurt you. People don't actually care. People are selfish. People just are people.

And I am going back to being closed off and unemotional because at least when I was that I actually remember smiling and having fun. If you don't care and if you don't bother caring if other people care you can't get hurt. If you don't let people in, they can't disappoint you.

But it's okay, my walls are going back up, I have remembered what I need to about people and how they treat each other.

I am a cold-hearted bitch, have been for years and you know what, being that has always gotten me further, kept a smile on my face, gotten rid of bull shitters and freed up all that wasted time giving people the chance to be something other than people.

One Thing Done and Dusted

Fancy'd

Okay, I'm probably slow on the intake and you all probably members and have been doing this for yonks but for those of you who are a bit slower like me. Go get Fancy'd. Now I'm a huge fan of Pinterest and have lost many hours creating mood boards for all my obsessive loves in life.

I found The Fancy, you go create a catalog of things you want and like and wish to have. Guess what sometimes when you fancy things they email you discounts for when you want to purchase them. Go waste a few hours there, lots of pretty things and things that make you smile.

Life just Happens

I have tried to write this post on Saturday, Sunday, then Monday came and that was a day of note. Then all of a sudden Tuesday and Wednesday came and went.

I really didn't think things could get worse or more crazy,  I didn't think I deserved anymore pain or heart ache, isn't it shared out or something. Sometimes you have to limit yourself to what you say out loud, limit yourself to what you share. Sometimes it's just because if you keep it in then it won't feel so real, you can pretend for a little longer that you can actually be happy in this nightmare that is your life. Then it's because it is actually you're reality and sharing it can make everything you've worked so hard to protect come tumbling down, because it's going to hurt the ones you love more than anything because you I actually just can't face it right now.

On Sunday I was begging God, I was screaming for him to listen. I didn't think anything else could happen, honestly, I didn't think I could handle anymore.

I learnt never to scream at God, never challenge him, because he'll just prove you wrong. Monday morning my mom and I were on our way to do some shopping, when we got a phone call, my dad had collapsed at the office and we had to go get him and take him to the hospital. My dad is a big man, a strong man a man of very little emotions.

I walked into the factory to find my dad covered in blood and not responding to us, he couldn't talk, he couldn't walk and he had tears in his eyes. I always seem to be there at his worst possible moments. We don't always have the strongest relationship and I tend to need to be shocked out of my mind to show people love and affection.

So I spent Monday in hospital, my dad had a stroke and doctors and hospitals are useless and never want to give you any information.

I have another bladder infection, and I am supposed to be not stressing, off my feet and trying not to have my baby before my C-section that has now been booked for the 14th November.

Because my dad has been in hospital I have had to go into work here and there to help out.

Bunting, haha, let's not even go there, I don't even know what we feeding the 80 people who are coming to my baby shower.

I need to pack my hospital bag, I don't know how many scares I have to have before I do this small but very important task.

My anti-biotics I am on make me feel absolutely awful.

I got terrible sun-burn from going out of town for a day, which makes sleeping even more wonderful.

All in all, I'm having a really crappy week.

Things I Know - About Me

• I constantly have a secret love affair with the wrong decisions
• I am only jealous when it comes to my mother and her love and attention, I don't want to share her.
• I am addicted to Peanut Butter 'n Jelly sandwiches
• I come across as a cold person, I have a hundred walls and rarely let people in (I know, strange I'm so honest on my blog)
• I love stationery, note books, sketch books, letter writing kits and boxes - I have so many I never use and probably never will.
• My love language is "Gifts" - I spoil just as much as I love being spoiled.
• I throw beautiful party's and I know it and I love it and I am proud of it.
• I'm a really shitty pregnant woman and that's okay.
• I swear like a sailor.
• I can drink and smoke like one to.

A really BIG... "If"

If I ever find a decent man, so far my 3 biggest relationships have been with a drug dealer, a soul mate turned drug addict and then of course the infamous womaniser and liar. So we talking a big IF here, when I say this is what I'll wear one day at my wedding, of course my own design and my own twist but this I love, love, love. If you have never looked at Rock n Roll bride's blog, you really should. She is amazing, so amazing she turned blogging into a career.... who said I'll never do pretty and fluffy on my blog. I told you it would come some day, I do still dream you know.

Put me in a Nut House!

My feet are swollen or maybe I have just acquired fat feet. I wake up with these fat feet and they just enlarge through the day. The hot and itchy and most of the time don't fit into all my beautiful shoes. At time's I seriously would just saw them off that's how much they bother me.

Who said pregnancy is beautiful?

Okay so I have just over a month to go, maybe a month depending what the doctor decides tomorrow. I can't believe I have made it here already but I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the next last bit or how anybody around me is going to survive either.

So I was thinking maybe I should just ask my doctor to put me in a nut house for the next month. It's probably safer for all those concerned and probably best for my unborn child, seeing as I am a ticking time bomb and I heard stress and anxiety are bad for babies.

Don't worry I'm not making fun of the nut house or the nutters. I have already been there before so I have earned my stripes at being allowed to joke about the mentally ill.

I was in the psych ward for 2 weeks of my life. It was a holiday of note and when I think about it I should of tried to stay longer. It was over 3 years ago but I still remember all of it so clearly. I had a dream about it last night, I really want to go back just for a mini vacation before the baby comes. Only problem is I'll have to miss out on all the drugs they give you and they are kind of a big part of the appeal.

You floating on a cloud all day and then knocked out like the perfect sleeping baby every night. You have a bell that people answer to. You are served 4 course meals 3 times a day, and the food is honestly amazing. You get to see a psychologist everyday and do workshops like beading and yoga. I got a massage every morning and you could even book mani's and pedi's. People love you when you in hospital and they bring you flowers and chocolates and balloons that you get to organise every morning. You surrounded by very high people who are all little off somehow and so you constantly laughing and hearing the most bizarre stories.

They keep the serious nutters in there own room... and when they freak out in the hall they get needle spiked in the neck and you get more drugs so you can sleep that night.

Oh and to make it all better, medical aid paid for the whole shanagan.

Don't worry I'm not mentally ill or at least I have chosen not to be. I did mention how I had been and done probably every crazy and stupid and strange thing one can do in life. This however was a stupid doctor and a wrong diagnoses but it was an experience I will remember and love forever.

Seriously send me there, please!!!

I'm all kinds of crazy!

Have I lost my mind? No, I'm just pregnant.

Are some of the emotions I feel real? Yes, it's to be expected.

Am I easy to be around? For some, for my family sadly not.

Do I want to run away? YES

Am I going to get over myself and deal with the shit I made for myself and can only blame myself for? OFCOURSE...else I wouldn't be me.

I hate pregnancy, I have from day one and in my situation it hasn't made it any easier, I can't wait for it to be over. Honestly though, people ask if I'll have more kids after this and if I'll ever let myself love another man. Yes I will, I might even get married, and if a man can actually make me love him that much to do something that crazy and stupid I'll even give him ONE child and it will be nice to feel what pregnancy feels like with a loving, supportive person by my side.

Not for a while though!!!

Ante-natal classes are something to be warned of, I am learning stuff but it's not really making me excited for my bundle of joy. It's just reassuring me why I didn't want kids in the first place.

Reason 1 - cleaning up another humans shit, we saw pictures of all the different kinds of shit that can come out of your oh so sweet and precious little angel! Not so sweet after all!

Reason 2 - Projectile vomit and the fact that I have to clean it.

Reason 3 - Screaming, crying and no more sleep, ever!

Reason 4 - After 9 months sobriety, I can't drink when breastfeeding either, can anybody shout NAN!

I have learnt other stuff, like I now have a reason to only let in visitors those first weeks at specific times, I was trying to find a way to tell people politely how I actually just don't want most of you to visit because you don't ever visit now and entertaining you is the last thing I want. So now I will only allow people to come see Aiden for an hour in the day because I don't want to Over-Stimulate him and cause him to become a screaming baby! You all wondering if it's you I don't want here... probably is :)

My baby shower is in like two weeks, have I started that bunting, hahaha, no. I'm going to knock it this weekend though. 20m bunting I can do it, with the help of my super mom and no I'm not leaving out the bunting, it's the reason I chose my theme to begin with.

My baby room is basically complete, just needs curtains and a carpet, this amazing woman, who doesn't even know me gave me a beautiful cot and compactum, what for it, for free! In perfect condition, I'll say it again for free! That stuff is worth a fortune, so when I am done with it I'm going to pay it forward and give all my baby stuff to an orphanage.

Disturbing

I saw this on a punk bands Facebook page promoting there next show, I know these guys and I know they see the humour in it somewhere. My thing is what beer company thought this would sell beer and what advertising agency actually put there name on this. Strange, I was literally speechless.

Sometimes it's hard to find the light

I know what you all thinking already, one day you'll realise it was all worth it, you'll never regret it, all the pain, anger, hurt, resentment, confusion and sorrow doesn't even come close to the love you'll have for your son.

Right now I can't do this, I don't want this, not like this, I don't want my son born in this mess, it's not fair on him and I'm supposed to be making all these decisions on what is best for Aiden when I am still trying to figure out my own life. I'm still trying to find my own way and what I want and now I have to make all these decisions for someone else's life and I'm just going to fuck it all up.

I never wanted children because I never wanted marriage. I don't see how love can last forever and even if it does how long are you really happy for. I never wanted children in divorce or in an unhappy family. I never wanted them to feel that pain and confusion. That sense of doubt. That feeling like one of there parents don't love them as much or maybe that it's there fault that it all turned out that way.

How did I get here. How did I end up fucking up so badly that I became a single mother the minute I fell pregnant. Why did I get this way with a guy who cared so little for me, that he could walk away in the first place.

I am so tired. I am so tired of thinking and wondering and trying to figure out what is right for Aiden and what is not. Surnames, maintenance, visitation and and and. Can you all just leave me alone. I don't know the answer and why should I tell you the answer anyways you just going to disagree with me anyways.

I am so tired of trying to make everyone happy and trying to stop disappointing everybody, it's like nobody thinks how hard this is for me in my head, in my heart, just because I'm smiling on the outside doesn't mean I'm smiling on the inside. Just because I get along with everyone and have forgiven everyone doesn't mean that I couldn't shout and scream and punch people till they can feel just a drop of the pain and fear I feel.

Just because I can organise party's and make fantasy frikken nursery's and organise everybody's life and get everything done and still work and manage to look good 8 months pregnant doesn't mean on the inside it's all so neat and tidy.

Today as much as it's wrong to say, I can't see the light. I don't even want to try. I want to rewind to last year this time, when my biggest heartache was wishing my friend the best in America and having weeks of farewell parties and looking at the bottom of a jager bottle.

I'm so printing this for A!

Pretending is a full time job

I'm fine, I'm always fine, that's just me. I'm brilliant at looking fine, putting a smile on my face and getting things done. I rarely stress...on the outside, I stress internally which is probably terrible for my health because my body eventually makes me slow down.

I have surrounded myself with all things baby, getting the nursery done and writing list after list for the party. Make sure my weekends are full with youth and church and chores and things that have to get done. I make sure I'm never alone, that way I don't have to think about things. I've blocked people from getting to close so they don't ask the questions I don't want to even think about never mind answer. Surrounded myself with people who are new and don't know the ins and outs of the real story of whats going on that way I can pretend that this isn't such a royal fuck up.

I am about to have a baby, yes I have come to terms with this fact, I am even excited to meet my son and I love him more than words can ever say. I do not regret him and wouldn't take any of this back just because I can't imagine not having him in my life but honestly I know for a fact this is only the beginning of a long war of maintenance issues, lawyers, family feuds and battling to not have to let my son go to where I know is unsafe.

I have been on bed rest and so have spent a lot of time on my own and with nothing to do. I shouldn't be back at work but I can't sit with myself for another hour. I will go insane and I will break down. I have never been so ashamed and embarrassed by my choices and I don't even know where I am going to begin to explain to my son that it's not as bad as it looks. I was tricked, I was lied to, I was manipulated, I was a fool and I believed it all. For the first time I become a notch on some guys belt, he never loved me and he never cared, he's just  stuck with me forever now but he does love you, Aiden and for that I will suffer the consequences of my actions and I will take any judgement and stigma that comes with it.

You all thinking how could I want my son to see this, read this, some things have changed over the last little bit that has changed everything. There is no way around any of it anymore. If my son only see's the truth that others have created around us without me knowing then he will be just as embarrassed as I am about who he's mother is or what others have made me seem to be.

A lot of people ask why I defend him so, why after all he's done and said do I stand up for him and fight for him to be there. Why no matter how bad it seems to get and how many more lies are uncovered do I still want him around because I know that's what is best for my son. He has a father that loves and wants to be there, even if's it for a year or two years or five, I know I tried, I know I never took away something that every child needs. One day he can make his own decisions about what has been done and said but I am not making those choices for him. I don't have a perfect father either but I love him no matter what and would die for him in a second, that love is unconditional and my son deserves that.

I also don't love him or want him back or would I ever take him back. So there is no emotional ties of heart break and wishing he sweeps me off my feet and after this last weekend I am 200% sure of this and am no longer a fool to anybody involved in any of this. He took my heart and threw it away, they took my trust and didn't respect it, I will willingly let them into my home and life to help raise and love Aiden but only over my dead body will anybody take him away from me.

Things I Know - That Frustrate Me

• People who drive the in the yellow line during a traffic jam, I seriously am tempted to smash into them as they drive past.
• Old people, even old people I love, even old people who live in my back yard.
• Call center agents, especially Cell C ones, they ruin my day and I think I've ruined a good few of there's this week to, will be ruining some more if they don't put my phone back on.
• Store Policies, no bending of rules on these policies even though the reason they would have to bend them is because of there lack of service to begin with.
• People who don't RSVP, not the ones who I know are coming, they normally always around, the people who still think maybe they coming so it's like they just waiting to see what else might come up first, rather don't come the invite was out of courtesy anyways.
• People who take over, I will hang my baby's clothes from the ceiling if that's how I want it, get yourself knocked up and make your own nursery (not you mom or Casey)
• Phone calls after 7pm at night.
• Phone calls on Sundays
• Guilt trips, they don't work on me, they just irritate me so much I'm going to do it again just to piss you off.