Days of My Lifes

I wish I could tell you some inspiring story, make you laugh or maybe cry but the last for days have been the usual of vomit down my back, poop under my nails and hardly any sleep.

I think everyone around me has figured out I'm not really coping with being mommy 24/7 and have realised that although Aiden is my responsibility I am doing it alone and I have reached exhaustion or they just scared of me completely loosing my mind. Either way my parents and even my sister have started helping me out a lot more and not only when my wonderful child is happy.

I took my little pink pill that my doctor gave me to take the "edge" off and calm down the anxiety, I was so relaxed I could probably rock the devil to sleep.

My nanny started this morning, AMEN!!! I took a bubble bath right after she arrived.

Coffee Break

Dear Moms

When our boys were in primary school, we moved to a house with a colossal, a kid-friendly backyard. It was a perfect space for two young boys; and in the years we lived there, the grass was well worn! The house, however, was much larger than I'd bargained for, and it soon became a burden rather than a blessing. The tasks of scrubbing, dusting, vacuuming and dusting again, were never ending.

Convinced that every mom worth her weight in dish soap kept an immaculately clean, well organised home, I was determined to outdo them all! Housework soon took priority over time with my boys, my husband and time for me.

The one summer afternoon, while knee deep in rubber gloves and toilet cleaner, God got my attention through a strategically placed note, written by my eight year old son:

Hi Mom,

Do you think that if you're not to busy today could you bring out some apple juice and sit with us under

the big tree? Maybe you could stay and pitch to us for just a while 'cause I'm getting real good at hitting! But if you don't have time, that's okay.

I love you, Josh.

The gloves came off! Through the endearing words of a child, God graced me with a wake up call, reminding me of the riches right before me, and the missed moments I would never get back.

Endless daily tasks will always be there, but the time with your children will end. You have them but for a moment. Seize each one! Recognise that your riches don't lie in a perfectly kept house, an award winning casserole, or a made-from scratch, home baked pie, nut in the investment you make in the life of your children, and the fullness of life you've been graced with in them. Life is busy. The question is: What are you busy with?

Love to you,

Susan Holloran

Extract from "The Coffee Mom's Devotional" Celeste Palermo

My One and Only

The Truth Hurts

I want to start off by saying I love my son, I love him more than anything in the world, I never knew I was capable of loving anything or anyone so much but I do.

I would do anything for him, I would die for him this very second if I needed too, I would die for him just if it guaranteed him a life of happiness.

I feel guilty for ever feeling I never wanted him during my pregnancy.

And for the past 11 weeks I have felt guilty and have hidden the fact that I am suffering from post-natal depression.

I guess I was wishing I was dreaming it, I was hoping it would just disappear, it comes and goes you see, some days, even most days it doesn't even effect me so I was just shrugging it off as a bad day.

I really worried about getting it during my pregnancy and it isn't an easy thing to say out loud.

Maybe it's because a lot of peoples reactions are that you are a bad mom, that you love your child less but that isn't the case.

I'm finding myself struggling to be me, with a baby. I don't know how to have a life and be a mom. I don't know how to see my future when right now everything is such a mess. Every night before I go to bed I always say tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I'll wake up and be me again. Tomorrow I'll be happy.

It doesn't work that way.

Yesterday was breaking point for me, from chest pain from anxiety attacks to crying over absolutely everything, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do any of it. I couldn't be what everyone expected me to be.

My mom forced me to go to a psychologist today, my old one from when I was about 16. I think it took me a total of 2 minutes before I melted into her couch with uncontrollable tears and fear.

She told me straight away PND and also said my situation is a little bit on the screwy side and not many people would of even made it this far. I will admit telling somebody the full story about everything that's happened and what's been going on was like a hundred weights being lifted off of me.

It's real and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's another part of my crazy journey that I have to overcome and I am going to be open and honest about it.

Nanny Anyone

See Aiden's frown that because I tried to touch the computer and sneak some work in while bouncing 

him on my legs!

Laughter 101

I started reading a devotional book called "The coffee mom devotional", it is Christian based but don't worry I'm not about to Bible bash you, but it's about this mom who writes about overcoming and getting through mommy things and days and it's all surrounded by her need for the perfect cup of coffee in the morning because it's the only 'perfect'part of her day.

Well Sunday's little story was all about "A shot of laughter", long story short it was about learning to laugh at yourself and the embarrassing things you do, the things that aren't so important and even the things that are important but didn't go quite according to plan.

"When we begin to take our failure non-seriously, it means we are ceasing

to be afraid of them. It is of immense importance

to learn to laugh at ourselves."

KATHERINE MANSFIELD

Simple right, um not really. I started Monday thinking she's right, I am way to serious and I dwell on things instead of laughing and moving on. I have stopped being happy because I have been living in the negative. So I was going to laugh more.

Boy, did I fail miserably.

I'm not really sure if I have baby blues or maybe I am just past exhaustion. Emotionally, mentally and physically worn out.

These are my reasons for not finding life funny right now and why crying and having anxiety attacks are more appropriate.

1. I haven't slept for longer than 3 hours in 11 weeks.
2. Going from waking up twice a night and then starting my day at 5am, Aiden now wakes up at 1am then about 3.45am and cries till 6 am, sleeps till maybe 7am and cries some more, then again 8am wakes up laughing.
3. I then work and look after Aiden.
4. So from 3.45am till 3pm when my mom comes home I juggle work and looking after a baby.
5. At 3pm my mom doesn't take Aiden, she takes over work and I then look after Aiden.
6. In between this I am washing a sterilizing bottles.
7. Then it's night time duties and sometimes my dad takes Aiden until he's miserable of course then I get him back.
8. I'm lucky if I get to bath 2 days in a row.
9. My skin is bad from stress.
10. My hair is falling out from stress.
11. My baby went from quiet, calm angel to moaning and crying for no apparent reason.
12. Did I mention my regrowth, hairdresser please, that's a dream in itself.

I could go on and on but then it would just border on self pity and I don't want to go there again. I'm just struggling to find the balance I need so that I can laugh when Aiden shits on me, and I can laugh when I drop his bottle before I get the lid on and waste a sterilized bottle, sterilized water and 6 scoops of formula, I wish I was in the right mind set to tell my sister off when she openly tells me I look like crap instead of crying my eyes out.

I want to laugh again. I want to laugh so hard I can't breath, rolling on the floor hysterically and I want to be doing that, laughing at myself.

2012

I don't make New Years Resolutions as they are made to be broken round about the 2nd day of the year, so I have spent the last 18 days of January over eating crap, smoking like a chimney, swearing like a trooper, sleeping in and only buying a daily planner on Saturday.

I do however plan on changing all of that, as even though I don't say it out loud those are the things I want to change this year and therefore are kind of New Year resolutions.

So I started this week, I am trying to conquer everything starting Monday, this is how I have done so far.

Stop Smoking - um lasted maybe an hour, so it really never started, reasoning: I never finished my box on Sunday so smoked my last 3 on Monday. Tuesday my dad left 3 smokes for me on the kitchen table and then continued to buy me a whole box in the evening, I have no choice but to smoke them right... will try again next Monday.

Diet - Monday and Tuesday failed epically, Peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches go straight to the ass, but have started today with Herbalife, yes yes, milkshake diets are bad for you and it might not work but if it does I should be loosing oodles of weight. This I won't fail, I WILL FIT INTO MY CLOTHES BY MY BIRTHDAY! 31 March!

Swearing - only reason I want to stop is because I don't want Aiden's first word to be F*ck, so far, I don't know I haven't been concentrating.

Sleeping in - I work from home, on my bed and generally in my pj's, sounds awesome right, at times yes but also an easy way to slip into depression as it gets lonely, pj's are only meant to be slept in and you begin to hate your home as much as you hate your office. Monday - slept till 8.30, worked in pj's. Tuesday - slept till 8, got changes at 12pm and today - out of bed by 8 and made it into a track suit, tomorrow my aim will be to brush my hair as well.

Daily Planning - I havent got my brain back, I seem to have kept the pregnancy brain and forget everything. I try daily planning every year, and always end up with an empty diary, week 1 done.

Aiden sleeping in his own cot - he's been sleeping in my bed from day one, I was heart broken on Monday when I had to put him in his cot next to my bed. The last 2 nights have gone well he has slept in his cot till about 4.30am when his little heart is crying out for me and he sleeps in my arms till about 7am. So only a half failure there.

Why are all these simple things, that can only make my life more controllable and better so hard to do.

Who made the rule

So I'm 23 years old, okay almost 24, this should still be the years where I am super hot and attractive, oozing sex appeal and using it to have my way in every way, but I am now a mother and for some reason that eliminates all appeal it seems or is it just me who feels that way.

I didn't pick up much weight during my pregnancy and have actually lost the baby weight just not the baby fat, aka, the tyre tube around the middle.

But for some reason I feel like I have lost my spark, and I really think it's because some twat along the way decided mom's were just moms and not actual humans beings.

If anything we should gain attraction because seriously I think it takes an inner blady super hero to get through nine months of pregnancy, child birth and a new born baby and still be able to look good on top of that, we should be getting awards and special treatment.

I will admit when men find out you are a mom, you can literally see the switch go off in their small brains but that's okay, I see it as a weapon to sort through the assholes between the real men but honestly I think a woman made the rule.

I have lost more of my female friends than my male ones, I have been asked more about getting back in shape by my girlfriends and told I look great by my guy friends, now fair enough I don't look the way I did before I had Aiden, not yet any ways but I don't look like an elderly mom in mommy jeans either so why is having a child so unattractive.

I wish I had the answer but I don't, it just irritates the hell out of me.

I have a awesome, lime green pram and polka dot nappy bag... what have you got a cocktail and a cigarette, that's what got me here in the first place.

My Boy is TOO Beautiful... maybe I'm just Biased

2 Months

 

Why I Hate Religion, but Love Jesus

First Christmas

Aiden this is your Crazy family....

Overcoming

A New Year and another chance to get it right.

I guess you could say I have been living in my own little bubble for almost a year now, refusing to accept reality, thinking I could somehow get bits of my old life back. Being naïve about the fact that things have changed forever.

I’ve been so busy holding on to what no longer exists I have been blinded to see what does, I have been selfish and careless towards the people that matter most, the ones who care and are there for me and stupid at not realising the life I could have if I just got off my sorry ass and grabbed it.

For the first time I have let fear keep me from living, I have let certain things consume me and take my soul with it. I have become a zombie who just passes through each day hoping tomorrow will bring about some better life when the one I have is pretty amazing if I look at it.

There is no going back and I shouldn’t want to either.

There is only a future, and that future is mine to build.

I want to go back because I remember being ‘happy’ then, I was free I guess, I remember a version of me that I have somehow lost and that Jessie I want back, but the reality is my situation hasn’t lost her, I have. I have caged myself in and only looked at the negative, I have blocked people out, out of fear of being hurt again, I have given up on dreams instead of finding new ones.

The last year was all about changes, changes I couldn’t control, everything was up and down on a daily basis, nothing stayed the same, my whole life was constantly a roller coaster, and it was one I didn’t want to be on.

This year is also about change, but changes I choose and make because it is going to improve my life, they are going to give me the future I want and need, changes that are going to get ‘me’ back, changes for the better.

I wish I could say I finally saw all this on my own; I am normally good at getting myself out of the holes I get myself into. Not this time though, God played a big hand and always will from now on and with the help of a great person brave enough to call me out on my bull shit, I finally realised that life is what you make of it and running away is not an option and is getting me nowhere.

“The most important thing in life is to stop saying ‘I wish’ and start saying ‘I will’ consider nothing impossible, then treat possibilities as probabilities”

Stigmas

It’s amazing how people have all the answers, how they think their way is the only way to do things. How you must be wrong and can’t possibly know what you are doing.

Being referred to as a single mom continuously and the way people say it drives me made.

Some say it with so much pity in their eyes; I just want to throw something at them. Why do you feel sorry for me, I am just like you, a mom loving and trying to do what’s best for her child.

Then there are those who say it like I must be a slut because I am so young and I deserve to struggle because I should have kept my legs closed, those I would happily lead to a bridge and tell them to jump off it would make the world a much better place. Let’s face it your daughter no matter how well you raised her is probably having sex too and I am going to be cracking myself when you find out you going to be a grandmother.

Then there is the question is it hard being a single mom. Um what do you think? But my actual answer is, it’s hard being a parent, it’s hard being a mom and I don’t know anything different so how can I compare it to anything. Maybe one day when I’m married and I give my husband another child then ask me that but right now this is just my reality, my family is just one member short of yours but I am pretty sure we have the same problems except I have one less, I don’t have to tell someone to put the toilet seat down.

Overall I really am becoming sick of the whole “single mom” label, I am the same as any mom, I can do as good a job as any mother and my child will be just fine. I don’t need pity, I definitely do not need your judgement and your stupid questions make me laugh but seriously they waste my time and I would rather have a conversation that means something, than talk too you just so you can feel a little bit better about yourself because you have a husband or a boyfriend.

Its been a while

I do have many excuses why I haven’t been around for so long but mostly it’s because I’ve been trying to learn how to balance my new life.

Things have happened and things have changed a few times over, I have had to make hard decisions even though they have hurt a few people along the way.

I reached breaking point at one stage, I had tired myself out trying to please everyone and trying to do everything and it all became too much and in the end I had to let people know that I can’t, I just can’t make everyone happy. I need to take care of myself in order to be the best mom I can be.

My boy is already 2 months old, can you believe it. I fall in love with him more and more each day and nothing else matters any more.

It's been way to long, the last month has been a crazy one. With the festive season and a new born baby and living between two homes, it really has all flown by so fast and even I need a recap of what has happened in my life.

Things have become quite hectic and eventually I reached breaking point and am now in the process of regaining control of my life.

It's amazing how everybody wants you when you have a baby. All I want is 5 minutes alone, not from Aiden just from everybody else.