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I love checking what words people type in and then come across my blog. A few months ago I wrote a post with the title "Fuck it" and every month those two words bring in a lot of traffic to my blog, in one day 40 viewers. I can just imagine the perverts face expecting to find some interesting porn landing on my preggy/mommy blog that started all from some peophol knocking me up. I can see there look of frustration now, why this makes me smile I don't really know but it does.

The Love for You're Child

I don't think can you can really explain the love you have for you're child to people who don't have children. I certainly didn't even come close to understanding before I had Aiden. It grows more and more everyday and I fall in love with him every morning when I wake up and look at his perfect face.

Yesterday we did a round about of doctors and hospitals. It was awful. Aiden cried. I cried. Surprisingly my mom didn't cry, I say surprisingly because she sobbed at Aiden's vaccinations.

He has this bump above his eye, I thought it was just a mosquito bite but 3 weeks later and it is still there and it feels like he's growing a little alien under his skin.

We went to my GP, why a GP, because pediatricians are so damn expensive and they all want like R750 upfront instead of claiming it from my medical aid. GP sends us off for x-rays now the last time we went for x-rays Aiden was 6 weeks and had bronchitis and it wasn't too bad, he moaned but didn't really cry.

This however was different. He screamed, he cried like he was heart broken, it broke my heart because I knew I had no choice but to put him through this. My mother had to hold his head in all different directions while I held his body down.

It moments like this that you realise you would die instantly to save you're child from any kind of pain or heart ache.

Aiden has a cyst hiding under his skin, it's not harmful, benign they call it but might never go away. If it gets bigger they will have to give him surgery, they'll put him under and cut it out, I don't think I could quite handle that one but he is way too young so they just leaving it for now.

The x-rays we got are really cool though, perfect shots of his little skull. Going to frame those ones. 

The Other Side

Life is full of challenges, it has it's ups and downs, and maybe my down as been going on for a while and at every corner it seems to go down some more but honestly I still have a life some people dream of. I am truly blessed in a lot of ways and I find it sad that in order for us to realise how lucky we are we have to wait to see how people on the other side live.

Last week I went on a trip with my cell group into town.

I wasn't really scared to go into town, some people are but I was scared to come face to face with what I already know. There are people out there who are suffering while we live in our cosy homes and have a cooked meal on the table every night.

We went with a church that runs certain programmes in town and we did three stops around the New Town area and helped feed the homeless.

There meal: A cup of soup and 4 slices of bread.

We arrive at the first stop to a long line of men, waiting patiently for this meal. They know it's coming, they there before we arrive and they have no problem standing there and accepting food from complete strangers.

We went to three stops that night.

Hundreds of people waiting for this meal that I would normally turn my nose too.

They sleep on the streets because it costs R10 to sleep in a shelter and they just can't afford it.

They are kind.

They are hopeful.

They have faith like you've never experienced.

They haven't given up and are still trying to finds jobs and a future for themselves and there families.

My reality is there dream come true.

The Bush

Bugs, bats, spiders, frogs, extreme heat and a lot of bushes is what one of these adventures entails.

It does make for a good weekend away, with lots of laughs, hiding from flying insects, frogs hiding in takkies, searching for damn giraffes (hide really well), arguments over whether bats are in fact blind or not, way too much food and just reconnecting with what's important in life.

Looks So Pretty in the morning

Breakfas

 

 

Pressies

I have been waiting to do this post before I even had Aiden, I had a really big baby shower and I did keep it to family and friends. I did however invite two bloggers I met during my pregnancy, well met as in grew an internet friendship. Well Fiona from Remember when couldn't make it but this wonderful and special lady sent me gifts.

She sent me a beautiful silverware set with Aiden's name engraved in it. Along with that she sent these awesome pieces from her baby range, Baby tees

Kind Words

"I say this with all the faith and confidence I have

in my life. You are the exact person we should live for, the 

exact person that needs all the healing and love the world 

has to offer. The exact person that with changing her life

can change the world. The exact person to find true

forgiveness in the love of God. The exact person

who Jesus dies for. It's you!"

3 Months Today

The Truth will Set you Free

The truth will set you free...

I have heard this so many times I don't even think about it any more when it's said and I don't really know what 'truth' they are talking about here.

Maybe to everybody there's a different truth that will set them free.

You could have a dark secret that needs telling.

Maybe you living two lives.

Maybe truth to some is God's truth.

The truth could be your past you have hidden for so long.

The list can go on and on.

I'm looking for my truth, or maybe all those things are my truth and I have to sort them out one by one.
I remember being free once though. I was alone in Cape Town, newly single, chasing my dream, I was independent and answered to no one. My happiness was all I had to worry about.

I don't know if I was truly happy then, maybe you never truly happy, after all happiness is not a destination but an emotion.

What I do know about then, I was Jessie for the first time in my life. I wasn't somebody's girlfriend. I wasn't my brothers little sister. I wasn't the nerd or the drug addict. People there knew me for one thing, me. And they were all happy with just having 'me'.

When I'm here I always feel like I'm fighting to fix my past, trying to become what was expected of me all my life. I am somebodies ex-girlfriend, I'm my brother little sister who got knocked up or Casey's older sister (thank fully these people are mostly to young to understand the just of being a single mom and they just love my baby).

Here I feel like a failure, I am reminded of my screw ups all the time. I don't see a way out here because the past is always knocking on my door.

Here I am expected to manage and be strong enough to get through anything, there I am free to struggle and be pissed off at my situation.

I can phone Claire and tell her my life sucks and that I am not coping and she kindly replies "I know, baby".

I phone friend here and I don't even dare saying it because the response will be "It's your own fault, deal with it."

I am trying to find my truth, I miss that feeling of not happiness but content. I miss enjoying the journey to the destination. I miss the feeling of waking up and not knowing what's going to happen and being okay with it because today is just today and I am going to have fun and live no matter how hard tomorrow is going to be.

I wish I had all the answers

You would think the universe or God would share out hardships, pain and grievousnesses. That everybody gets a certain dose.

I kind of thought that things can't possibly go any more wrong, that things couldn't get worse. I thought I was on my way to starting my future and then that to all collapses.

Which in result means I am starting all over again.

Let me tell you what I have, a son. The best miracle life has to offer and that's all I have.

Today, I am officially unemployed with no maintenance coming in.

I don't have a car or a licence for that matter.

I have lost most of my friends.

I live in my parents house, which isn't quite working out any more.

I am suffering with PND or maybe I'm just your normal depressed because of the result of how crap my life really is.

I have no idea where I am going or how to get anywhere.

Life

Weekend Love

Tomorrow's another Day

Mommy Milestones

Being a mom is hard.

Especially when you weren't born with the "mommy" gene.

I truly believe some woman are just born mothers, I however was not.

I'm one of those woman who have to adapt and learn as I go along and I have realised how many "mommy" traits I am picking up.

Skills I have acquired


(Okay most of these all fit into one skill but I'm running with it as separate triumphs so I can feel better about myself)

1. I can now straighten my hair, rock baby in chair and catch up on my tv programmes all at once.
2. I can put make-up on and rock baby in chair.
3. I can put make-up on with one hand.
4. I have learnt to pee while holding a baby.
5. I can hold a baby and make a bottle with my left hand.
6. I can pick up baby bag, handbag, bottle, dummy in mouth, blanket over should, pick up baby, get car keys and remote and get baby into car seat all in one swoop of the house.
7. I can spit on a tissue and wipe my sons cheek.
8. I can sleep through a baby's cry.
9. I can feed my baby while I bbm, tweet and facebook.
10. I have been perfectly comfortable leaving the house in track pants, no make up and a birds nest on top of my head.
11. I learnt to cry for no reason what so ever.
12. I know all the kiddie friendly restaurants and which ones I can fit my pram into.
13. I can eat my supper cold and drink cold tea.
14. I have found myself playing peek-a-boo.
15. I now love grocery shopping because I get to leave baby at home.

And yes all of those are SKILLS!