If you ever did meet me you would think I was sweet and innocent, I have one of those faces. It's how I've gotten away with so much and how I get what I want when I want it. It won't take you long to realise I'm far from bubbly and loud, you can mistake my reservation and quietness as rude and stuck up or you can carry on thinking the whole candy like niceness applies to me or you take your time on breaking down my walls and then I'll love you forever and I am nice to those I love and I am sweet when I feel it, innocence unfortuantly left me years ago.
This being said, I can openly admit my niceness is limited to those I truly like, my sweetness is a rare gift and my sarcasm and dry humour can often bite and it normally bites the ones I love. To put it simply I can be a bitch, a real, nasty, stubborn and down right awful bitch. I do know this and sadly I even know when I'm doing this most of the time. it's like another person inhabits my body. It comes out when I'm not getting my way, when I'm not my mothers center of attention, when I'm hungry or over tired, generally this side of me can come out to play at any point.
This being said my poor mother has been taking this personality at full strength this last week. Honestly if I think about Peanut pulling any of it on me, I'd whack him one across the head. I have even stomped my foot in a blow out, like a 4 year old, because she didn't want to do something in her house the way I wanted it to be.
I can blame it on pregnancy, I do blame the stomping of the foot on pregnancy, I'm a bitch not a brat. yesterday I was so awful to her, I really feel bad, here I am taking over her life by being pregnant, single and 23 in her house when she should be celebrating not having to look after child. Despite my awful rampage yesterday, she knows how miserable I am and when I phoned her crying this morning telling her how much I hate my life it didn't matter how I treated her yesterday she just seemed to want me to smile today.
She is leaving work early so we can go for lunch and look for a bed for Peanut and do some retail therapy. Just hearing that calms me and makes my day better and makes me feel like everything is going to be alright. I love my mom more than words can ever say, she is my silver lining on a dark cloudy day.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Breakdown No# 5 or 10 or maybe 100
Remember last week I was saying how I could feel an emotional break-down coming, that a lot of it was due to my over emotional pregnancy side coming back to haunt me and my loved ones. Then the rest of it is honestly due to my growing fear as it's literally 3 months left to go on Saturday - I really wish Tequila was allowed during pregnancy.
Since that post I have had maybe 5, maybe a whole lot more, breakdowns of various sorts. I have tried my hardest not to have them around other human beings and even took one out on my teddy (D gave it to me, it has a heart that says "I Love You", the heart isn't attached anymore).
Saturday D came over again to help with the nursery, really I can't complain about him, maybe that's what upsets me so much is that he actually is a good guy but he did a great job at screwing things up. He really does try and is pulling his weight compared to other men, who are happy to never see the illegitimate child or are happy with every second weekend. D is a rare exception, but a rare exception of all sorts and drives me insane beyond belief. Maybe it's because he just didn't want ME, I've never really felt no being wanted, by lots just not by my lovers. I've always done the leaving....anyways I'm getting side tracked. All was fine but at some point I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't deal with the smiling and the laughing and the excitement of Peanut. I went to my room and cried, my sister saw this and followed. At that point I just wanted it to all go away, I didn't want my baby, I didn't want to be pregnant and single, I didn't want D to be my friend, I just wanted to disappear.
I've cried myself to sleep every night for the past week.
I snapped at my sister and ruined the start to her day when I took her to school the other day.
I made my mom feel guilty for visiting her brother who is here from Scotland for only a week because I didn't want to be home alone.
I cried all the way to fetch my sister in the car, not caring about gawking strangers in the cars next to me.
I didn't want to go home after fetching my sister, she did, else who knows where we would of ended up.
I cried in the bath last night.
I want to cry right now.
I'm trying not to kill people who come near me.
I just want to get back into bed and sleep this all away.
I still can't believe I got myself into this situation.
I love my son but I still wish this wasn't happening right now.
Since that post I have had maybe 5, maybe a whole lot more, breakdowns of various sorts. I have tried my hardest not to have them around other human beings and even took one out on my teddy (D gave it to me, it has a heart that says "I Love You", the heart isn't attached anymore).
Saturday D came over again to help with the nursery, really I can't complain about him, maybe that's what upsets me so much is that he actually is a good guy but he did a great job at screwing things up. He really does try and is pulling his weight compared to other men, who are happy to never see the illegitimate child or are happy with every second weekend. D is a rare exception, but a rare exception of all sorts and drives me insane beyond belief. Maybe it's because he just didn't want ME, I've never really felt no being wanted, by lots just not by my lovers. I've always done the leaving....anyways I'm getting side tracked. All was fine but at some point I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't deal with the smiling and the laughing and the excitement of Peanut. I went to my room and cried, my sister saw this and followed. At that point I just wanted it to all go away, I didn't want my baby, I didn't want to be pregnant and single, I didn't want D to be my friend, I just wanted to disappear.
I've cried myself to sleep every night for the past week.
I snapped at my sister and ruined the start to her day when I took her to school the other day.
I made my mom feel guilty for visiting her brother who is here from Scotland for only a week because I didn't want to be home alone.
I cried all the way to fetch my sister in the car, not caring about gawking strangers in the cars next to me.
I didn't want to go home after fetching my sister, she did, else who knows where we would of ended up.
I cried in the bath last night.
I want to cry right now.
I'm trying not to kill people who come near me.
I just want to get back into bed and sleep this all away.
I still can't believe I got myself into this situation.
I love my son but I still wish this wasn't happening right now.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
It's my BLOG and I'll write what I want to
I have recently been bomb barded with emails from strangers and some messages from people I do know about my blog. Apparently I'm selfish, insensitive and careless. Apparently my humour on certain situations is disgusting and are no laughing matters. Apparently I don't appreciate pregnancy and the beauty of it.
Well here is what I have to say, if I don't know you, I am selfish, insensitive and careless because I don't care what you think or say about me. Especially if you decided to stay "anonymous" please if you want to shit me out more than my mother (who loves my blog and is "oh so proud") please have the respect to give me your name. The only strangers I do care about are the people who like my blog and my writings stir some sort of emotion in them and hopefully makes there day a smidgen better or more entertaining.
To those who do know me, I'm actually disappointed because you have seen full on what this has all done to me. You saw how I couldn't get out of bed for weeks, you knew my mother was worried to leave me home alone in case when she got back I was no longer. You saw the tears and witnessed the pain. You know that everything I write on this blog is 100% honest and true. I have not contrived blogs or exaggerated stories for my benefit (not that I can see how that would benefit me). Most of all you know how much writing my story day by day has helped me get through this nightmare.
Here is what I really don't get. My "About me" section, neatly describes what this blog is, what it is about and is a clear warning that it's not going to be cute and fluffy. That I'm not happy about being knocked-up and single. I'm also sure if you go back through out the whole history of my blog I have warned people a few times that if you don't like my writing, my sarcasm or swearing then simply don't read it.
I am sorry if I have hurt anybody through my blog, it was not my intention. It is just my life and pretending things are sweet and dandy is not going to help and so I talk about it. Yes, publicly but it is your choice to read it or not and if you want create a blog and write what you want to. I great idea would be a blog about how you hate the blogs that share there life with complete strangers. You'll probably get more hits than me.
Well here is what I have to say, if I don't know you, I am selfish, insensitive and careless because I don't care what you think or say about me. Especially if you decided to stay "anonymous" please if you want to shit me out more than my mother (who loves my blog and is "oh so proud") please have the respect to give me your name. The only strangers I do care about are the people who like my blog and my writings stir some sort of emotion in them and hopefully makes there day a smidgen better or more entertaining.
To those who do know me, I'm actually disappointed because you have seen full on what this has all done to me. You saw how I couldn't get out of bed for weeks, you knew my mother was worried to leave me home alone in case when she got back I was no longer. You saw the tears and witnessed the pain. You know that everything I write on this blog is 100% honest and true. I have not contrived blogs or exaggerated stories for my benefit (not that I can see how that would benefit me). Most of all you know how much writing my story day by day has helped me get through this nightmare.
Here is what I really don't get. My "About me" section, neatly describes what this blog is, what it is about and is a clear warning that it's not going to be cute and fluffy. That I'm not happy about being knocked-up and single. I'm also sure if you go back through out the whole history of my blog I have warned people a few times that if you don't like my writing, my sarcasm or swearing then simply don't read it.
I am sorry if I have hurt anybody through my blog, it was not my intention. It is just my life and pretending things are sweet and dandy is not going to help and so I talk about it. Yes, publicly but it is your choice to read it or not and if you want create a blog and write what you want to. I great idea would be a blog about how you hate the blogs that share there life with complete strangers. You'll probably get more hits than me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Baby shower coming up
My baby shower is in 2 months, all my invites are finally sent out and people have started to RSVP. I didn't do a baby registry, don't really like telling people what to buy and I don't actually know what I need. However there are things I told my mom I do want, a rocking chair being one of them and I think that's all I've insisted on having. If you are coming and you don't know what to buy I love these few things from Baby Tease, which is all thanks to Fiona from Remember when we were young.
There is no love like it
The closer it gets and the bigger I get and the more Peanut moves, the more real this all becomes not just for me but for everyone. My mom has realised her grandchild is going to consume her life more than we probably did. I think my dad has a minor heart attack every time he passes the nursery and see's how the house as been rearranged for a tiny person. I think my sister might be freaking out to because she has become distant towards my belly and maybe is feeling a bit of jealousy towards the baby.
For D and I though it's a love like no other, D already knows this feeling as he has 2 girls already but it is his first son and it's hitting home. I can't imagine my life without Peanut already and he isn't even out yet. I can't wait to hold him and meet him, still terrified but the love and bond is undeniable.
With this love comes the realization of all the mistakes we have made along the way and how it's going to effect us and our son. How things could of been different but stupidity and fear changed that. I did warn D in the beginning, I told him he was making a mistake, I told him he was going to regret his decision and now it's hit him that he won't get to watch his son fall asleep or wake up. He'll probably miss his first word and first step. He will have to schedule times to see his son and that it's up to me to decide from how young he can take his son overnight as by law it's only from 2 years.
I have no intention of keeping him from his son and we actually have a great relationship considering the circumstances. We talk on a daily basis and we see each other all the time with no fights and no awkwardness. He's starting to freak out though, he's starting to worry I won't let him take his son and that I'm going to keep him away from him.
This is my world now, I have divided my life into two families. I always knew this but it's seems so real now. I'm tired just thinking about it. I don't think learning how to look after a baby is going to be even close to how hard it is going to be to learn how to balance this crazy world I find myself in.
For D and I though it's a love like no other, D already knows this feeling as he has 2 girls already but it is his first son and it's hitting home. I can't imagine my life without Peanut already and he isn't even out yet. I can't wait to hold him and meet him, still terrified but the love and bond is undeniable.
With this love comes the realization of all the mistakes we have made along the way and how it's going to effect us and our son. How things could of been different but stupidity and fear changed that. I did warn D in the beginning, I told him he was making a mistake, I told him he was going to regret his decision and now it's hit him that he won't get to watch his son fall asleep or wake up. He'll probably miss his first word and first step. He will have to schedule times to see his son and that it's up to me to decide from how young he can take his son overnight as by law it's only from 2 years.
I have no intention of keeping him from his son and we actually have a great relationship considering the circumstances. We talk on a daily basis and we see each other all the time with no fights and no awkwardness. He's starting to freak out though, he's starting to worry I won't let him take his son and that I'm going to keep him away from him.
This is my world now, I have divided my life into two families. I always knew this but it's seems so real now. I'm tired just thinking about it. I don't think learning how to look after a baby is going to be even close to how hard it is going to be to learn how to balance this crazy world I find myself in.
Monday, August 15, 2011
14 Weeks!!!
I just finished my 26th week of pregnancy, I have 14 weeks left to go, I hope you read that, I only have 14 fucking weeks to go! Last week I bought myself a set of Tommee Tippee bottles, that took about 30min to decide on, and a bottle sterilizer. This calmed me down for about an hour and the bottled up stress and anxiety came back full swing.
I'm known as calm and collected, strong, somebody who can handle anything and everything and has for everything else in my life. As you all know this has been quite an ordeal for me and the closer the end comes the more I seem to be freaking out. I don't know the next part, I just started getting slightly good at being a normal pregnant woman. I just started accepting that I was pregnant to begin with and now it's ending. I don't know the next step, the actual baby part hasn't really hit home just yet.
Everyone around me is so excited and so happy for the little bundle of joy that is going to be popping out soon, real soon. Now don't get me wrong I love Peanut more than words can explain already and I am looking forward to getting to know him and have him in my life. I am scared shitless though, it's so much to handle and I'm still not sure if I'm ready for this.
Along with the joys of stress, anxiety and fear, third trimester has come and come with a vengeance. My morning sickness is back, tear rolling down cheek, I tried denying it, saying to myself it's just something I ate. I've woken up with that awful feeling of drinking to much without the pleasure of being wasted for about a week now. Along with that my emotions are sky high again, and I'm crying at everything again and really have to concentrate on not snapping on everybody.
This is a serious problem because everybody is going to start thinking I'm crazy again and I'm bound to step on a lot of toes and upset a lot of people. So I do warn in advance, it's not you, it's probably me and if it really is you, lucky you, you get away with being an ass and using the pregnant emotions as an excuse for my reaction.
I'm known as calm and collected, strong, somebody who can handle anything and everything and has for everything else in my life. As you all know this has been quite an ordeal for me and the closer the end comes the more I seem to be freaking out. I don't know the next part, I just started getting slightly good at being a normal pregnant woman. I just started accepting that I was pregnant to begin with and now it's ending. I don't know the next step, the actual baby part hasn't really hit home just yet.
Everyone around me is so excited and so happy for the little bundle of joy that is going to be popping out soon, real soon. Now don't get me wrong I love Peanut more than words can explain already and I am looking forward to getting to know him and have him in my life. I am scared shitless though, it's so much to handle and I'm still not sure if I'm ready for this.
Along with the joys of stress, anxiety and fear, third trimester has come and come with a vengeance. My morning sickness is back, tear rolling down cheek, I tried denying it, saying to myself it's just something I ate. I've woken up with that awful feeling of drinking to much without the pleasure of being wasted for about a week now. Along with that my emotions are sky high again, and I'm crying at everything again and really have to concentrate on not snapping on everybody.
This is a serious problem because everybody is going to start thinking I'm crazy again and I'm bound to step on a lot of toes and upset a lot of people. So I do warn in advance, it's not you, it's probably me and if it really is you, lucky you, you get away with being an ass and using the pregnant emotions as an excuse for my reaction.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Pregnancy Yucky's
I'm going to start listing the gross things of pregnancy and funny symptoms and what they really mean when they say tender boobs. Maybe another newly pregnant woman will stumble here and at least know they not dieing or turning into some strange creature.
Here's a few from the last week or two
Here's a few from the last week or two
- Sore outer ears - no you not weird for thinking your ears hurt from sleeping on them to long, it does happen, I think it's one of those rare symptoms, mine hurt so bad I cry myself back to sleep.
- Some woman glow and some of us break out in hives/acne/something itchy and awful all over but on your face mostly.
- I'm 26 weeks and this gross clear liquid just came out of my itchy nipples, I almost fell off my chair at work (I have my own office, so I don't openly look at my nipples)
- Your once beautiful ankles turn into tree trunks and it is possible to get stuck in your boots.
- Your tummy itches like a mo-fo (apparently you must NOT scratch because it worsens stretch marks, not to sure what they expect you to do though)
- If you had a belly ring once upon a time, stuff comes out of there to and the hole turns into a second belly button
- I really hope you don't have a tattoo on your stomach, my fairy is turning into a over grown troll.
- Your memory is non existent, write things down and double check when you leave shops that you actually have what you purchased.
Things I Know
I found this on Harassed mom and thought I'd carry on the trend. Every Friday you list the things you know. I'm thinking this is great because I always list the things I do not know. There are a few rules so follow with the link below.
Things I know - That make me HAPPY
- My sister makes me laugh everyday
- When Peanut kicks the shit out of me
- Chocolate and coffee
- My mom
- Summer arriving
- Surprises and presents
- My closest friends
- New clothes
- Books
- The smell of books
- Bubbles
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Find my own way
As you all expected Cape Town was amazing, it's Cape Town it can't be anything else. The weather was great and seeing all my lovely friends made my heart skip a beat. The ocean, sea gulls, wine tasting and to much food. Birthdays, shopping and drunken parties. In five short days I managed to see most of the people I wanted to, spent extra time with the ones I missed the most, met some new people, some I'll see again and some I never will.
I also spent a lot of time with mothers. All amazing woman, all with a different story and all with a different outlook on things. All had great advice about my situation and a lot of fearful stories of what I'm in for. I have learned I have to find my own way when it comes to being a mommy and learn how to deal with my situation how I need to. I think I need to find one mommy mentor, someone who is a lot like me, with the same sort of lifestyle and get my bulk of advice from that one mommy and just listen to everybody else. So auditions for being my mommy mentor will commence. Payment in friendship and bottles of wine.
Coming home was a reality slap, I almost had a panic attack last night and I did cry myself to sleep I admit. I am waiting for the full panic attack to strike I can feel it coming, it's building up. I realised I have like 3 months left of pregnancy which I hate but I'm starting to think maybe I can try find a way to keep the baby inside of me. I'm really freaking out, everyone says don't worry it all comes naturally and then proceed to tell me horror stories of motherhood and how it's absolute hell most of the time.
I have changed the date of the baby shower, so I am redoing invitations, all 100, luckily I hadn't handed them out yet and I have so much do still for it. Actually I still have everything to still do. The baby room is coming along really nicely, my mom and sister did an amazing job finishing the murals while I was gone and Darell is coming over on Saturday to finish things up.
Other than that I need to decide on "natural with drugs" (apparently that's not natural) or a "c-section" - I wish you didn't actually have a choice, I wish there was only one way. I feel both choices I make are probably going to end in disaster and both are giving me nightmares.
I also spent a lot of time with mothers. All amazing woman, all with a different story and all with a different outlook on things. All had great advice about my situation and a lot of fearful stories of what I'm in for. I have learned I have to find my own way when it comes to being a mommy and learn how to deal with my situation how I need to. I think I need to find one mommy mentor, someone who is a lot like me, with the same sort of lifestyle and get my bulk of advice from that one mommy and just listen to everybody else. So auditions for being my mommy mentor will commence. Payment in friendship and bottles of wine.
Coming home was a reality slap, I almost had a panic attack last night and I did cry myself to sleep I admit. I am waiting for the full panic attack to strike I can feel it coming, it's building up. I realised I have like 3 months left of pregnancy which I hate but I'm starting to think maybe I can try find a way to keep the baby inside of me. I'm really freaking out, everyone says don't worry it all comes naturally and then proceed to tell me horror stories of motherhood and how it's absolute hell most of the time.
I have changed the date of the baby shower, so I am redoing invitations, all 100, luckily I hadn't handed them out yet and I have so much do still for it. Actually I still have everything to still do. The baby room is coming along really nicely, my mom and sister did an amazing job finishing the murals while I was gone and Darell is coming over on Saturday to finish things up.
Other than that I need to decide on "natural with drugs" (apparently that's not natural) or a "c-section" - I wish you didn't actually have a choice, I wish there was only one way. I feel both choices I make are probably going to end in disaster and both are giving me nightmares.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
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