For the past 22 years, 2 months and 11 days I have been a selfish, heartless bitch who only had to worry about her own happiness and this was one of my favourite traits and now slowly I can feel all this magical wonder being sucked out of me and being replaced with sacrifice, selflessness and GUILT.
All my life I dreamed of this perfect cream, cashmere, perfectly tailored power suit (I guess my version of a wedding dress) combined with a perfect alligator skin custom made briefcase to match my highly powered and successful career in the fashion industry and I was on my way there, until this little organism decided to bomb bard my life with his life and start slowly stealing my beauty, loves and bad habits.
Yes, yes call me a pessimist and judge me for being a bad mother before it even has a heart beat, but if you do you really shouldn't be reading this because I don't think the nice, cute or fluffy part is going to be coming for a while.
Lets start with beauty - not to be vain or full of myself but I have always prided myself in how I look and work extremely hard at doing it to. Maybe not all the things I list are the peanuts fault but right now I need someone to blame and seeing as it can't talk back yet I find it the perfect option. My skin now looks like I've gone straight back to puberty and can play "dot-to-dot" on my once clear skin. My flat stomach, oh my flat stomach, is no more and it's only 5 weeks along, I'm probably the only one who can see this yet but then again instead of looking in the mirror to check if my ass looks big, I'm constantly checking to see if ''I'm showing" yet. Then there's this thing where for the last week I have worn track like pants and T-shirts, which I normally never leave the house in all week, my own fault maybe but feeling the way I do, the thought of contemplating anything further in life is to much work.
The things I love like cheese cake, chicken & mushroom pies, cream soda, steers and coffee seem to be a thing of the past when my taste buds are concerned, actually not just the taste buds but the nose buds too. At first I could get them in my mouth but now you lucky to get them within a meter of me without me wanting to gag...and yes cream soda smells. Everything does. Sleep is another thing I used to love and i'm guessing from what people say I'll never be sleeping again but for now it's not happening because I pee all through the night because I have a constant need to drink water and go through a jug a night and along with this comes this disgusting thing - night sweating, my body is wet, my clothes are wet, even my hair gets friggen wet. All this and I still feel cold.
Then we have my bad habits, I know they are bad habits but doesn't mean I enjoy them any less than the things I love actually I might even enjoy them more. First there's the fact that I have given up cold turkey on my prescribed drug addiction, Ritalin, I'm on day 10. I take these magic pills because I suffer from chronic fatigue, so now not only being back in a state of always wanting to sleep the little bit of energy that my body does produce, Peanut over here has decided to claim for himself. Along with these withdrawal symptoms I am a smoker and now how to sacrifice this one really bad habit that I absolutely love. I haven't quite gotten off completely but don't worry Peanut punishes me by making me gag with one drag and It's like being back in highschool because I have to steal them from my dad and hide in the garden and see how many drags I can get in before getting caught. Then last but not least my social life, I'm not an alcoholic but who can say a few drinks doesn't make anything a whole lot more fun and right now all I want is a bottle of tequila, greasy food, throat pain from smoking to much the night before and feeling guilty about the amount of money I spent on that perfectly body fitting black number I didn't need but looks so good.
Do try remember at the beginning of this long message I did say I have this need to sacrifice be selfless and have enormous guilt for feeling this way.
Man. Reading that took me back.
ReplyDeleteI was 23 when I expected my first and it sucked.
I hate pregnancy, I really do.
I see glowing, happy pregnant women and I want to punch them in the face.
Dude, it sucks, and it is going to continue to suck for a good while still.
The second trimester is rad, then it all goes shit again.
Then it's rad forever onwards.
I used to smoke sometimes in my pregnancy. The gynae said less than 4 a day doesn't do anything.
Or I would have the odd glass of wine (fine two).
Or I would make people order Brandy at a restaurant so I could just have one sip (sigh, fine.. 7)
It's kak, it's lonely, it's limiting and depressing. It is.
But believe me when I say it goes away.
I think Noah was like 1 hour old and I was in the hospital courtyard having coffee and chain smoking. I mean, if the hospital served booze, I would have been drinking that.
But soon you'll have the kid and nothing else will matter. Really, you won't give a shit about anything else and you will be so happy you will poo rainbows.
True story
Good luck
I even went on to have a second kid, and I think the second pregnancy was worse than the first. But there HAS to be something to it for idiots like me to do it more than once. Promise.