Certifiable

Some days I really don't know how I do all this.

Some days I just close my eyes and imagine I am sitting on a secluded beach, with an extremely strong cocktail in my hand and absolute silence.... this dream is normally broken by the sound of drums, stepping on a dinosaur leg or the putrid smell of my kids ass.

Some days I wonder how I am going to make it to the end of the month financially and curse the man who won't help raise his son.

Some days I think I could fall asleep standing up, the bags under my eyes are as obvious as a druggies and I hold back tears of exhaustion because it's only 2pm and it's still a good 6 hours till bedtime.

Some days I really think I could be going crazy because some days I just don't think I can do this.

As you can tell, I'm having one of those days.

I got maybe 4 hours sleep last night, and if it was 4 hours straight sleep I would be swinging off the roof tops but it's broken sleep and then wake up to a child that has decided his terrible two's is going to start early, my little monsters new thing is throwing himself to the floor and screaming when he doesn't get to do what he wants, between the temper tantrums which I simply walk away from because hells bells there's no way I'm putting up with that, there's his drums, he loves them and on a good day so do I, at 7am when I am trying to dress him for school and in between every item of clothing he rushes off to bang them with utter passion, this is when I loathe them, I also had a good cry when I realised our maid that we have let go has stolen my month's supply of wet wipes, a whole month!

It's only 8am and I'm already ready to climb back under the duvet and write this day off.

Then I remember why I do every thing I do, I count my blessings, put a smile on my face even if it's not a real one and I move on, fight harder and make the day a good one!

The reality which is Separation Anxiety

I often looked at kids who clung to their moms and never understood how they got that way, why would you raise your child to be so dependant on you being in the room and always thought, what were they doing wrong.

The truth is, it's nothing you do wrong, nothing you do differently, some kids are just like that.

I never thought my child would be, I am a very independent person and I truly thought that would rub off on Aiden. He is in a home of 4 people and with a big extended family. We often around other people, between church and youth groups, always being at friends and him going to school from 5 months, I really thought I wouldn't struggle with it but I have and it is tiring.

Now he doesn't kick and scream, well with certain people he does but he likes people and is fine in large groups and after an hour or so, he falls into place and is free. If he happens to see me or my sister or parents, he stops, looks around and then dashes to us but will soon feel safe and go about his usual ways.

Aiden has been screaming every day when we drop him off at school and when I do drop offs, he clings to me and looks at me with these eyes of utter heartbreak, today was the first time, I dropped him off and he looked at me and went to play with other kids, I am hoping this is the end of the phase and I am hoping I will be able to leave him alone more often.

He freaks whenever one of leaves a room and if he wakes at night and I'm not the one he see's, he'll cry and be unsettled for hours.

When I went to Cape Town a few weeks ago, I went alone, he was fine, he didn't notice till I got back, and in the car, he just sat there, staring at me, looking like he couldn't understand where I had been and then things got worse, if I am in the room he insists I be by him, giving him my full attention, if people are over he makes sure he is with me and won't fall asleep and when we out, he always makes sure he can see me.

I really need this to pass and I really want him to be able to interact with other people and learn from them not just from me.

I don't know how to make him know that I will always come back and that I will always be a safe distance away, it breaks my heart.

End of year madness

I've been gone for a while lately, I often think I need to blog and then when I remember again it's a week later. Maybe there is more reason to why I haven't been posting, every one needs a break from time to time and I have spent the last few weeks really thinking about what I'm doing and where I want to be.

Work is crazy, and I have been truly blessed with an abundance of work from a new client. I'm finally feeling safe and not so stressed out about starting my own company and it looks like I'll be able to keep my head above water and hopefully not have to get a 9-5 because I really do enjoy being my own boss.

Aiden is growing up quickly, sometimes to quickly but I am enjoying this age more than any other, he has such a spark in his eye and his laugh fills the house. I will say it's tiring, this walking thing is insane and his naughty side is starting to shine VERY bright.

I wish I had more to say, I just don't, all I have been doing is working and playing mom but loving every minute of it.

Friends and Motherhood

One thing that's changed the most since having a child is my social life and my circle or friends. I know it comes with the territory and before I had a kid I was one of those people who ran from woman with children, who turned my nose to mothers.

I've lost a lot of friends and I'm not even bothered by it, its not the reason to my post.

I'm here to say how much I love and appreciate others mothers and how they have impacted my life and how we share a bond that childless woman don't understand.

I know I can write on this blog about how many times my kid craps a day and there will be a ton of woman reading it and understanding exactly what I'm saying.

I can go over to Twitter at any hour of the day and interact with another mother who is going through exactly what I'm going through and even if we not at the same point in raising our children there is always a kind word and a shoulder to cry on.

Weekends are hard, its more or less 48 hours with my child and being a single mom, its a solid 48 hours unless I somehow sneak off for a 5 minute smoke break. I try keep us busy and nothing is worse than being stuck at home.

It can be suffocating and sometimes I think. What now? He's moaning, he's bored, everyone around me is getting irritated because A is naggy and instantly I know where I can go, I know where I can go and feel at home, I know I can go to a place where the sound of kids crying and moaning is so normal that its part of the background music, I know I can go and not worry about toys been thrown around the room and I know they'll have some sort of mashed food and I know there I don't feel like a mother, I'm just me and A is just A.

I have a best friend, a best friend that is a mother too and in that there is no judgement, only care. I can share my childrens milestones without bored eyes looking at me, I can talk about shitty nappies but also I can talk about anything else coz only mothers understand that we not just mothers we still those woman with dreams and hopes and secrets.

Motherhood has shown me what real friends are.

Dear Aiden

You one years old today my monkey, I can't believe how the year has flown by and it feels like just yesterday that they handed you to me for the first time and my life changed forever, my heart changed forever and now a year later I stand here with a full life and a full heart and you are the reason for it.

You are the sunshine in every moment of my day, your smile warms my heart and your laugh brings insane joy to my life, your personality fills a room and your naughty antics make me laugh till my stomach hurts.

Watching you grow and change over the last year has been a true blessing and if I could I would hit rewind and do it over and over again and I would never get bored, I would never need anything else.

You remind me on a daily basis what is important in life, you remind me to smile and forget my worries, you remind me to play and love each second, you remind me to stop and take care of what matters. Just by being you and being here you have sculpted my life into an incredible one.

I love watching you in water, watching your face light up, watching how something so simple can make you so happy, how you will sit there till you shiver and still want to play more.

I love reading you books and watching you point to the animals you like, and moo with the cows and kiss all the kittens you can find.

I love taking you outside so you can sit in amazement at the trees and flowers.

I love giving you your favourite food, and how you will devour a strawberry and try anything new even though you are the fussiest eater I know.

I love how friendly you are and how you smile and wave at everyone and I love how sometimes you are shy and you pull into me when you feel insecure in your surroundings.

I love how much you love your grandparents and aunty and uncle, I love the fact that you already know this is my family and I adore them.

I love your smile and how your eyes light up.

I love how ticklish you are behind your neck, behind your knees just like me and the sides of your tummy crack you up.

I love playing peek-a-boo with you and how happy you are every time I come back from where ever I am hiding.

I love how your hugs and I wait all day just to feel them.

I love you.

I am proud of you.

And I can't wait for the years to come.

People wait there whole lives searching for a person to complete them, I don't have to, because you my angel have completed me, anything else I get in life is just a bonus.

Love always

Mommy

xxx

Your First Year in Pictures

Birth

1 Month

2 Months

3 Months

4 Months

5 Months

6 Months

7 Months

8 Months

9 Months

10 Months

11 Months

1 Year

Your Little Monster Party

My love it's your birthday week and on Saturday we celebrated with all your wonderful friends and family. Mommy tried to keep it small but there just too many people that love you like crazy. The day turned out better than I could of hoped, with warm weather, great food and most of all inspiring people. You loved the balloons but hated the jumping castle, you got spoilt rotten and enjoyed smashing mommy's face with a cupcake. I love you my angel, I can't believe in 2 days you will be ONE!