To Be

Currently... My Home Office

I know it looks like a bomb hit it right, I did mention how I had been working as a type setter for the last few weeks, well this is the result of 18hr days and also a family of hoarders who can't seem to throw anything away. Well this amazing space is to become my babies room. This is my new project, as soon as we find out what the monster is, murals will be planned, colour schemes and furniture hunting. This is the only reason I ever dreamed of having a child, where we going to be moving the office and all this stuff is beyond me and how we actually going to accomplish it is another story but thought I'd document my hard work, maybe then I won't feel like such a terrible and awful mother.

No longer a Peanut!

12 Days!

I know I've been quiet for a while, not because of depression or because I'm suicidal, shocking I know. Just smothered with work from one of my numerous jobs I have. For the past 3 weeks I have been a type setter, amazing money but working with editors and publishers is like working with the devils workers and my brain is now fried.

Peanut is growing rapidly or more my belly, I'm really starting to look like a pregnant woman and there is no way to hide it. I keep buying clothes to fit thinking I'll be this size for a month or so but no it's more like a week and against my mothers better judgement I refuse to buy clothes 2-3 sizes bigger than what I am on that current day. It's okay I'll just have a huge jumble sale after all this is over, clothes for every size for the pregnant woman.

Well I'm 4 months preggers, can you believe it how time is flying, this is not a good thing because I was supposed to spend this pregnancy sorting out my disaster of a life so when the baby is here, I'm not still a complete mess but it doesn't seem to be happening. I don't really know where I'm going anymore or where I want to go, I was thinking of doing a kiddies and babies label, use my fashion to suit my life seeing as traveling and fashion shows and cocktail parties are out, at least for a while. I like the cute baby stuff but dressing my kid in winnie-the-pooh is just not me and whether my baby likes it or not Peanut will be a stylish kid. So I'm considering on creating a online store, this would be perfect with my fashion background and the fact that my father owns a silk-screening company, so I can print on anything for free. I know it sounds awesome, my problem is getting of my depressed ass and getting things going. I can do anything and my parents will always support and help my dreams come true but I just feel overwhelmed.

12 Days!!!! Thats when I find out what Peanut is, I'm so excited and so nervous and literally can't wait those measly 12 Days to go by. The problem with this wait is my morning sickness has finally stopped, I have so much energy I want to move furniture around at 11 at night and wait for it, wait for it, I'm getting excited about my baby. Well finally starting the nursery and actually start buying things as for having the baby, I'm actually shitting myself, I've been watching my friend with my God-Son who I still can't hold and not even she is copying and she is your natural born maternal mother. Then when I watch older kids running around all over the show, I still can't seem to find it in my heart to like them. Kid's irritate me and scare me, and somehow I'm supposed to raise one without fucking it up!

Biting My Tongue

I wish I could hate you....Why can't I....

On Friday I went for my scan, scans for me are my worst nightmare and my saving grace. I dread them for days before but once I'm in there and I hear that heart beat and see the Peanut, all my walls come down and for that moment I'm truly happy about the situation, I want my baby more than anything and I don't want to leave the doctors office ever.

This one was pretty much the same except for a few minor mishaps thanks to my wonderful choice in jerks and the worst part about this one, I can't seem to hate him. I always protect him with family and friends, damn it even his own family. Why? I have no idea and Friday is the perfect example of this.

My appointment was at 1.45, I told him not to be late, I hate lateness, I was raised by a pack of punctual wolves and there is nothing more disrespectful and rude than being late especially for something important. Now please bear in mind when we still had the hots for each other, he was never late actually he was always so early I normally hadn't even started to get ready yet. I guess making babies is more fun than watching the ones you have made grow inside the woman you abandoned. My sister was with me and this is where the protection begun, instead of swearing and ranting and raving which I am the queen of doing, I was standing there making excuses for him. He arrived at 2!

I'll give him credit for paying the doctors bill which is a whooping R400 a pop which is to much of a mission claiming back from the Medical Aid who find it hilarious to only re-emberse u with half the money. So I have just been paying the bills on behalf of my wonderful medical aid. But then he goes and sits on the opposite side of the waiting rooms, this creating the people to stare in shock and horror as they realise I've obviously been knocked up and he is just fulfilling the duties he is obligated to fulfill. As a result of being late other patients have been allowed in front of us on the list and we have to wait in this pure uncomfortable state of tolerance for nearly an hour.

We finally get called in, and they weigh me, I lost 2 kgs, for the first time I was shocked at loosing weight and worried about it but thats okay as a result to the weight loss everybody around me is basically forcing food down my throat and by my next appointment in 3 weeks I'll be as big as a house. Back to point the man I wish I could hate even just a little is actually being nice. We always have gotten along really well and have the same type of humour and our conversations normally are a tit for tat, crude, sharp tongue kind of commentary that goes on between us but I love this and reminds me for a second why I actually jumped into bed with this moron, he makes me laugh in the worst situations.

We see the baby, it's a perfect moment, I hear the heart beat, tears roll down my cheeks, it's moving so much the doctor complains he can't get any good shots, we can't see what it is yet but at that point in time it didn't matter. My baby was alive and kicking and everybody finally seemed to be getting along.

As we were walking out the hospital he politely asked me where I parked, I had parked in the parking across the road, he seemed worried about this and went quiet. his confused me for about 20 seconds, when I saw what he was trying to hide. Her, his ex-girlfriend who he has chosen to be with again. Now you probably thinking I'm just being a jealous bitch but really I'm not I'll tell you a few of this womans finest moments. This is the mother of his 2 little girls I told you about that he has raised. She abandoned her 3 month old first born to go off and party with another man but she came back a year later and got pregnant again. Which didn't keep her around. She comes and goes out of these little girls lifes as she pleases, never worked a day in her life, dabbles in and out of a life of cocaine and partying, attacked Darells mother and attacked me in front of her little girls. Cheated on Darell numerous times. This is the woman he has chosen to be with, and chose to bring along for what is supposed to be a happy moment in my life and apparently I'm supposed to be okay with at some point leaving my baby in this womans care. After all this, he tries to turn the cards on me and make me feel like it's all my fault and I still can't seem to hate him or be angry at him. He still has the power to break my heart and hurt me and for some strange reason I still care enough to protect him.

14 Weeks and still a mystery being

Strength

Everybody keeps telling me how strong I am to do this, like I have another choice, I don't feel strong, I feel like a child whose lost it's mother in a huge ass mall and no matter how loud i scream she can't find me in the sea of people.  Then I saw this and realised maybe this is what everyone is going on about, I feel like I'm just surviving and everybody else defines it as "Strength"

Constant worry

I'm going for my next scan on Friday, the excitement is quite strange. I'm praying every time I think of it that we find out what it is and that it will be a boy but on top of this is this worry, this panic, this terrible feeling that he's going to tell me somethings wrong, that there's no heart beat, that I've lost the baby. This has happened before all my scans. Nightmares, stress, every pain or cramp or new symptom I somehow turn into a reason that proves something is wrong.

I know I might just be paranoid but what if I loose it because I haven't said out loud I want it. What if God decides I'm not ready for a baby which I'm clearly not but it's here and as much as I don't want this all I want is to hold my baby in my arms. The funny thing is I do this in every aspect of my life, I act like I don't want something, or like I don't feel something or need someone because that way when it breaks, fails or goes away the pain is not that bad, on the outside that is.

I've done this my whole life, with family, friends, relationships, work and even personal projects. It's even worked for all these things but I know it won't for this, if my nightmare had to come true, I don't think I would cope. You all probably thinking I should stop stressing myself, that everything is fine and I'm just driving myself crazy but isn't it better to prepare yourself for every outcome.

I keep telling myself my tummy wouldn't be growing if something was wrong, I wouldn't still be getting morning sickness and I wouldn't still be so fatigued but even after that I have this feeling, that something is wrong. I'm hoping this feeling is just some kind of natural motherly nature kicking in and this is my worried mom syndrome taking effect, coz I do love my baby even though I'm not ready for it.

The Monster is GROWING quickly....

I know you all going to be complaining about what exactly am I complaining about but I have always had a perfectly flat tummy...and this was at 12 WEEKS!!!

I'm a God-Mother..... what???

Cameron Alexander Marx

This is my God-Son, Cameron, on Monday my best friend of 15 years had her first baby and she has appointed me as God-Mother. I'll say that again, she appointed ME as God-mother, I had to go look up the definition of God-mother. The first thing I said to her was, it's not if something happens to her I get the baby coz imagine something does happen (touch wood) next year I'd be sitting with 2 baby's. She just laughed and said no. Apparently I'm just meant to love the child, spoil it and lead it in the right Godly way and teach it morals and values.... this was my moment to laugh.

Now I'm not a terrible person and I was raised in a Christian home and actually have high morals and values even though my life isn't the greatest example on how to live but seriously what was she thinking. We've been friends for 15 years she knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I'm selfish and I party way to much, I drink, I smoke, I'm so far from stable I have to look up that definition to. This is when it hit me, I'm freaking out about being a God-Mother but in 6 months I'm going to be a real mom. I have to raise a child and chances are I'm going to stuff this up royally.

The more I love this child, the more I realise how I have doomed Peanut from the start and I'm going to have to work twice as hard to try and not damage this child severely. It's being born into a broken home from the start, actually it's never even going to know what a normal family feels like. Yes, he'll have 2 parents but 2 parents who never actually loved each other, not even in a heat of passion did I once utter the words I love you to Darell. So he'll be carted back and forth between 2 familys never quite feeling stable and knowing where he's actual home is. 

Then Peanut will have 2 half sisters, well I say sisters, Darell insists on half-sisters, these labels i can already see causing much stress on a childs heart. As these girls are the apple of Darells eye and they are true daddy's girls. I know Darell will love this child just as much but that daily life of living with someone will be lost and the child will see this. This is my main reason in wanting, no, knowing I have to have a boy coz if it's a girl this bond he has with Ash and KD will destroy my daughters heart and I know this from personal experience as my sister was always daddy's little angel and I was just "not" and I lived in the same house hold.

I will have to think about not only who I date but who Darell dates in the future as these people will effect my child's life to and this could be a tricky thing as I do not want to introduce people to my child who will only stick around for a while and I definitely don't want my child to grow up thinking it's mom is a whore, especially seeing as one day he'll figure out how quickly he was conceived.

Which is another thing, this baby was a mistake, a big one and neither Darell or I tried to hide it. I didn't pretend to be happy or excited, I still don't coz i'm still not really happy about being pregnant. Darell wanted an abortion and I would of to if I had the guts to do it. We were only together for 2 months, how is that for a lesson in morals and abstinence. 

I  guess when's Peanut's old enough to understand right from wrong, I can just say do the opposite of everything mommy and daddy did because holy shit if you follow in our footsteps, you in for a long and difficult road that we only have ourselves to blame for and although  things seem to work out, there's a whole world out there that we won't get to experience because of the decisions we made early on.

   

Us Two

My sister transformed this ''Winnie-the-Pooh" poem for me for her speech at my 21st birthday. It's something I never forget and always come back to. She's been going through this whole ordeal with me from the beginning and today is a tribute to the best sister in the world and soon to be best aunty. 

Us Two.

Wherever I am, there's always Jess,

There's always Jess and Me.

Whatever I do, she wants to do,

"Where are you going today?' says Jess.

"Well, that's every odd 'cos I was too.

Let's go together," says Jess, says she.

"Lets go together," says Jess.

"Let's look for dragons," I said to Jess.

"Yes, let's" said Jess to me.

We crossed the river and round a few.

"Yes, those are dragons all right" said Jess.

"As soon as I saw their beaks I knew.

That's what they are." said Jess, said she.

"That what they are." said Jess.

"Lets frighten the dragons," I said to Jess.

"Thats right," said Jess to me.

"I'm not afraid."I said to Jess.

And I held her hand and I shouted"SHOO!!

SILLY OLD DRAGONS!" and off they flew.

"I wasn't afraid"  said Jess, said she.

"I'm never afraid with you."

So wherever I am, there's always Jess,

There's always Jess and Me.

"What would I do," I said to Jess.

"If it wasn't for you," and Jess said "True,

It isn't much fun for one, but two,

Can stick together," says Jess, says she, "thats how it is" says Jess.

For Claire V

20 Questions

I still have another 2 weeks before I get to go see the one man I really only want to see at the moment - my OBGYN. As I have never been through this before and pregnancy has always freaked the shit out of me and my mom just says "I got fat and had baby's" so she's not much help. So my list of questions keeps growing but I'm finding it really hard to wait so long. SO if any of you know if what I'm going through with any of these please let me know and maybe my stress levels will go down.

1. Itchy skin, not just my belly, my entire body - ITCHES. I think I might loose my mind from this itch. (what will take this away)
2. Along with the itch, I have little red bumps all over my tummy, boobs and back - these ITCH worse than the rest of my body.
3. Raw belly button, I'm not joking, it's very ITCHY, and is now going raw on the inside so it burns on top of itching. It's red, raw, dry, peeling, itching and burning. I know a lot of things for such a small body part.
4. Old Belly ring scar, ITCHES like a ............................. (fill in the blank) I'm actually worried the scar tissue is going to pop out of the skin one of these days.
5. My hair is falling out, in chunks!!!!
6. I keep getting a seriously bad bladder infection - how can I prevent this?
7. My skin is now an infestation of disgusting volcanic mountains? ( need a cheap remedy coz I don't know if I can keep buying the products I just spent a grand on)
8. The feeling of exploding and bleeding nipples along with the ITCH, there must be a way to sooth them, there just must be.
9. When will i get my appetite back.... I miss FOOD?
10. I'm drinking strawberry milk by the jug... it's not that bad for my baby right?
11. When does this magical energy boost happen, I can still sleep all day?
12. Are pre-natal classes important, I never imagined going with a man never mind alone?
13. My once perfect memory has disappeared, will I get it back, I forget things mid conversation?
14. I've been told not to lift my arms above my head, this sounds like a load of hog wash to me?
15. Are you sure there not 2 in there, coz this belly is growing quickly????
16. Wearing a seat belt feels more dangerous for my baby?
17. Even my EYES ITCH?
18. Is using tissue oil safe?
19. I can't stop sleeping on my tummy, some say this is bad I say it's comfortable?
20. Please tell me if it's a BOY or girl????

Second Trimester

I'm finally over the 12 weeks of pregnancy, funny thing is though I woke up expecting to feel the best I've felt in 3 months but once again I woke up nauseous and tired. I'm so pissed off you have no idea coz I have a sneaky suspicion I'm gonna be one of those lucky ladies who is sick for the whole damn pregnancy. Along with this devastating news I have this constant nagging, like somethings wrong, all I want to do is go to the doctor so I can have a scan and hear that heart beat again and my next appointment is only in 2 weeks.

I had quite an eventful weekend, it was my baby sisters Debutantes Ball, she has been working up to this evening for a year now and the day had finally arrived. I had been looking forward to it to, when I wasn't single and knocked up, somehow going to a Ball with this title isn't the fairy tale I envisioned to ever happen to me even if it wasn't my night. Well in preparation for this night I thought let me buy a dress just before the evening coz I had no idea how quickly my belly would be growing, so on Thursday I went and bought myself the cutest, 1950's inspired, floral 'Forever New' dress and it fitted me perfectly. It was only 2 days, 2 damn days, and my belly basically doubled in size. I did get the dress closed, but boy was it a long evening...it honestly felt like I was suffocating the poor thing in there and if it would fit in my tiny clutch I would of taken off the bra that was squashing my poor boobs not caring that it was freezing cold and I would of pulled a Britney moment. I still managed to have a great night, even managed to dance a bit without passing out but as soon as I got into the car, the bow was off, zip was down and I was trying to get the stupid clasp of my bra loose but just couldn't, so I just gave up and prayed for a fast ride home.

Mother's Day - I can't believe I'm actually going to be a mother, responsible for another human being. God must have a great sense of humour coz I still can't see the point to all of this. I woke up to a phone call at 7.30 in the morning. Darell phoning to wish me a "Happy Mothers day," I bet you all going "Awwwwwwwwwwww Sweet" I did to, and it was but where the fuck is he. He calls every other day and comes to visit every second week, but he's not the one dealing with my emotions, or trying to find me the perfect food just so I can actually keep something down and he's not the one wiping my tears away when it all feels to much. I know he'll be around when the baby is actually out but how is that fair or just. I don't want to get back together with him, I actually wanna wake up and it was all a dream. Don't get me wrong I love my baby and I don't want to miscarry, but I do wish none of this ever happened, that it was never there to begin with because I don't think I'd handle loosing the baby but I just don't see how this is all going to work out.

Saving this one for a few years from now

Words get me through life

New goals

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

She'll be coming round the mountain....here she comes!

I've never been on an actual roller coaster, the things terrify me but right now all i really want to do is go get on the scariest, fastest and deadliest roller coaster I can find and then maybe my life will feel some what stable. As at the moment it's up and down and left and right every couple of hours.

My latest update on how beautiful pregnancy is, is at first I thought the best part about it was the fact that I was finally getting that boob job I always wanted to get, they grew a whole cup-size in the first month and haven't stopped growing since. Well just like everything else, I was wrong, dead wrong, the pain is unbearable, the itch is indescribable and I just don't think I could handle them getting any bigger because along with my jeans no longer closing, my bra's don't fit either and I'm oozing out of all my tops so much my own family can't help but gawk at them. The unbearable pain I was talking about, isn't any where near an overstatement it's actually an understatement, they feel like they are going to explode, the other night I woke up and actually had to put on the light to check if they were bleeding. The itch is located on the god damn nipples, it gets so bad I actually have to leave the room just to try get the itch away, which is impossible. I miss my small, door knob boobs so much and will never be ungrateful for them ever again if they just come back to me.

As for the names I had chosen, my next plan of action is not to ask my family or the man's family or the man because that whole list has basically disappeared, Bryton is apparently not only a beach in London but a beach on the Bluff in Durban (drug and whore haven), Tyler is a girls name (apparently), James is over used and The Man doesn't like it even though it is his second name and Connor the one I really, really liked, The Man said what like the Vodacom ad "Ah Kona" (or however you spell it) this broke my heart coz I worked so damn hard on that list. As for the surname thing, it's already an issue now, I can only imagine how bad it's going to get closer to the time.

As for The Man, aka, Darell, he calls yesterday morning at 8am to find out what I'm doing.... sleeping dumbass, oh but he's going to be at my house in 10 min. What man does this, I haven't seen him in 3 weeks, the last conversation I had was an argument and I sit up in bed and look in the mirror and realise I look like absolute shit and if I don't get my ass moving in high gear, instead of him feeling like he made a mistake he'll be thanking the Gods he left my ugly ass. ( However I did make sure my boobs were oozing now)

As for Peanut, I'm really hoping at my next scan they'll be able to tell if it is a BOY or girl, I really want a boy, I think in the long run they might be easier as they less emotional and they can't come home pregnant but then again if he's anything like he's father, he'll be extremely full of shit and I'll be a grandmother before I'm 40 but I can admit as my belly grows more and more each day, I do get a little more excited and for a split second forget about how complicated the rest of my life is going to be.