Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Fuck It

I haven’t written that much since Aiden was born, mostly due to the fact that time really has just disappeared on me and because my blog has fallen into some awful hands.

It’s turned into a place for some to find out the latest gossip, to gauge on my pain and heart ache and to use against me and cause havoc in my life.

Now my blog is about me, about my life, it’s my opinion and my story so not quite sure how people can turn 10 months of writing into a fucking book about them. I honesty don’t give enough of a shit about them to give them that much attention.

So for a while now I have limited what I have written and taken a lot of my life off of it and in the end my heart.
Well I have realised that is fucking crazy.

This is my blog you don’t like it, don’t read it and if you only here to find out stories enjoy because the people who matter already know how I feel, they already know what I’m about to write, this is about how I feel today, what I felt yesterday and how I think I might feel in the future.

It’s the truth, it’s my truth and I am not going to hide it because some people still live in a world of childish games and gossip.

I have overcome enough challenges, seen enough pain, felt enough heartache and been through enough shit in my life not to let anybody have power and control over any aspect of my life.

Through all of this I have had people harass me, send me messages on facebook, telling me I’m a whore and a this and a that. Threatening me and my child and I have kept quiet, I have been the better person and I will continue to do so.

However this is my place of sanity, my place of rescue and I will be damned before I let anybody take anything away from me ever again.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Time Eliminated

I think about writing on my blog all day every day and before you know it the day's gone. Then I check again and the weeks gone and then I woke up this morning and realised, oh shit, Aiden is a month today. He's getting so big and so aware of his surroundings and more demanding of my time.

Tired is not quite the word to use about how my body is feeling, exhausted, fatigued or maybe just zombified would be more accurate. Overwhelmed at times, over emotional most of the time and completely in love the rest of the time.

Aiden and I are living between my parents house and D's house, which is great and very hard all at the same time. Packing and unpacking a whole house every time and travelling between Alberton and Benoni is a mission all in itself but it gives Aiden bonding time with his father which is always amazing to watch and D is amazing with him and such a great help and a different four walls to be in is always a good break.

This must be the hardest thing I have ever done but the most rewarding, the last month has flown by and as I try and sit and write all thats happened I realise I can't even tell you. Its been one hell of a roller coaster and I have many hand written posts for you that I'll get up for you all this weekend.

1 Month Today

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


Becoming a mother has come with the greatest love I have ever experienced to some of the toughest challenges and a new found worry and guilt over every decision I make.

I love waking up next to my beautiful boy and waking up looking at his perfect little face is the perfect way to start each day.

Lack of sleep and dirty diapers are nothing when put next to the amount of joy Aiden has brought into my heart and my life.

Along with all this love and happiness I guess naturally comes the worry and confusion if you doing everything to the best of your ability. The feeling if you a good enough mother and the feeling of failure every time you don’t get something right.

Another thing is I never really had much experience with kids before my own so it’s a completely new world to me while everyone around me seems like such a natural which makes the insecurities so much more.

My biggest sadness has been the fact that I had to stop breast feeding, I think a lot of people think it’s because of laziness but I really tried and I really loved doing it but I knew I wasn’t given Aiden what he needed and that means more to me than anything I need.

I guess the biggest problem came in when I got sick and ended up in hospital and didn’t feed for almost 2 days and then it also slowed my already low supply of milk.

I ended up bottle feeding and breast feeding, which really took its toll as every feed I ended up having to breast feed and bottle feed and every body constantly telling me how he must still be hungry because I wasn’t giving him enough milk.

I know they all said it with good intentions but I guess the tears that came down when they walked out the room were unseen.

It was a hard choice but it has been one I had to make and it was in the best interest of my son. It’s broken my heart, it took me about 10 minutes to actually swallow that little pill, I just sat there with it in my hand, wondering if it was what was best, I fed him one last time and swallowed.

I guess to every one this will seem silly and I’m going to have a lot more harder decisions to make for Aiden and I in the future but this is all new to me, I’m still learning and even though I have the most amazing support structure around me and amazing people in my life. I’m still doing this on my own and through it I’m finding a strength I never knew existed inside me.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

I told you so

What I'm about to tell you is going to make woman pro "natural" sing "Hallelujah" and a lot of people are going to say "I told you so" but after everything I would still choose to have a C-section.

It's been a crazy two weeks and only really got to enjoy my time with Aiden and get into the swing of the whole mothering thing this week.

So last week Sunday after a really good few days after being out of hospital and me thinking I am recovering great from the C-section, I was breast feeding and I got this terrible cramp. I couldn't even hold Aiden. I called my mom for help and she continued to feed him with a bottle. I layed there paralysed in pain, literally screaming from the pain. It felt like child birth. It lasted about 30 minutes before getting freezing cold, this during a heat wave. I didn't even think, fever, I don't know these things.

I woke up and was still in pain but not as bad and thought maybe this was just my uterus contracting. I even phoned my OB Gyn and the nurse said all woman are different and I was going in the next day so I just shrugged it off.

By late afternoon I was still feeling freezing and the pain was so bad after every feed I decided to sms my mid wife. She immediately sms'd back and told me it sounds like an infection I must go to the hospital.

Casualty phoned my doctor and he admitted me straight away, this breaking my heart, my baby, what about my baby. I couldn't imagine not being with him and I didn't care what was wrong with me.

My fever was up to 38 and they did blood work and knocked me out with sleeping pills and pain killers.

I woke up to finding out I had a liver infection.

I would have to stay in hospital another night.

Another night without my baby.

Another night not breastfeeding.

I felt like death.

I really was worried I was going to die from this infection.

The next day even though I knew and the doctor knew I wasn't ready to go home, he let me go as long as I medicate at home, take it easy and enjoy being with my baby.

The next day, truly still ill and still feeling like I would never recover, I find my cut is now infected on top of having a liver infection.

I'm home but I can't look after my own baby, I was stuck in bed and everybody doing everything around me.

I felt useless. I felt like a bad mother. I fell into baby blues.

I cried when nobody was watching. I felt like I failed. I felt like everybody thought I failed.

I am finally getting better, slowly but surely. I'm looking after Aiden more and more on my own each day and loving every second of him.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Full Story

I have been out of touch for the last 2 weeks, it hasn't been an easy and slow ride into motherhood and the last 2 weeks have had many ups and downs but all that later. This is about how the love of my life entered the world and how could I expect anything other than a surprise show up and a little bit of both worlds when it came to labour.

I had had so many scares in the weeks before and I always thought this was it and when it finally was it, I actually wasn't so sure. I never expected it on that day, really I was getting ready to see the doc the next day to find out whether he was coming out the 10th or 14th and was quite set on the 14th as still didn't have anything prepared and my toiletries were still not in my hospital bag.

We were just fetching a camper cot from my friend (see not completely prepared) and in the car I had this sharp pain, I pushed it off as another one of the scares I had in the last few weeks. I wasn't feeling great when I got home so went to lay in bed, got up a while later to get something to drink and in the kitchen had another sharp pain making me fall to the ground. My sister helping me back to the room my mom decided to phone the doctor, he said I must rather go to the hospital and get checked coz if I am in labour and I get to far I will be pushing the baby out.

So off to the hospital we go, not really thinking I could actually be having this baby I get checked out and the next thing I hear is "You a centimetre dilated", "WHAT?" I start freaking out, next thing I know the nurse is telling me I'm having a C-section at 19.30, that was in 45minutes time, D lives 45minutes away, I was not ready for a baby in 45minutes.

Unfortuantly they don't care if you ready or not, how much you crying or shaking, they begin to prep me, drip, shave, cutex off and start wheeling me off to theatre.

I was totally freaking out about D not getting there on time and so scared about the damn needle that was about to go into my spine I couldn't even think about the joy that was about to enter my life.

D literally made it just in time and was taken to get changed while I got the spinal, nothing to be scared of there, it hurt less than getting my blood taken and the effects started taking place, weirdest and best feeling ever I tell you.

I could feel them tugging and pulling and D in the my ear saying, "Gees", not really the response you want when they performing major surgery on you.

Next thing you know, Aiden is out and there's silence, no cry, not a peep, my heart stopped and then there it was his cry. They put him next to me and nothing else mattered and since then nothing else has mattered.

I met the love of my life. No pain, no person, no drama, no past and no uncertain future could or can take that feeling away.