The one lots have been waiting for

I decided from the beginning that I would not discuss my relationship on this platform, as much as people want to know and as helpful as it could be to other single moms in the dating world, I am choosing to keep it private, you just need to know I am happy and extremely lucky and Aiden is happy and that's what matters.

I will say this...

It is not as easy as lets fall madly in love, rob a bank and run away together unless you remember the camper cot.

Relationships and nights out are arranged around babysitters and unforeseen illnesses.

My back is in a lot less pain thanks to the fact that I now have help with carrying around my extra being.

I now have someone hearing me swear under my breath at 2am because Aiden won't sleep and that alone feels amazing.

I have been spoilt with being able to drink my coffee in the morning in peace, I often get to pee alone and I have spent many a Sunday lying on a blanket outside while Aiden is occupied.

I have someone listening to me cry because Aiden is just becoming to much, I have someone listening when I'm worried about doctors visits, I have someone listening about teething issues and cake n candy sales, well we never sure if men are listening but I am no longer having conversations to myself about all that stuff.

There is someone playing cars with Aiden and making manly car sounds (I don't do it right, apparently)

We haven't nailed the dirty diapers yet but we are in no rush.

Dear Aiden

You always have to be looking for the rainbow, you have to always have a little faith, you have to always be able to dance in the rain, you have to always appreciate the small things and you have to always keep going.

I will easily admit that at the best of times I can be a pessimist, I often would much rather pull the duvet back over my head and not face the day and my current problems. It's easier. It's less scary. And there's no room for failure that way.

But in all honesty it's failing in one easy step.

Because at the end of the day, things might be tough right now but I have, you have, we all have at least seven things we can be truly grateful for and those seven things are what I keep reminding myself of and those seven things keep me getting up in the morning and keep me ambitious and strong and brave.

My love you are always number one on that list and always the best reminder of how lucky I am in life and you are always a reason to keep going and keep trying.

The rest of the list in our life's right now my boy are...

our great family that help us on a daily basis,
a great man who loves us and keeps mommy laughing,
good friends that are always there with a shoulder to cry on,
I'm very blessed with a company that constantly provides for us,
you passed all medical tests,
and we looking at moving into our own home.

I can't promise you mommy is going to be sunshine and butterflies every day but every thing I do, I do it for you.

Back in the deep end

I've come to realize being a mother is kind of like being at school, just as you have finally gotten the grade down like a champ and you acing tests and are top of your class, that grade is over and they send you to the next level which throws you off course and you spend months trying to figure it all out again and as soon as you do, their they go and push you to the next grade again.

Only difference is in school you get textbooks and teachers and rules on what is right and what is wrong.

I thought I had finally gotten the swing of this whole parenting thing, I was surviving it and most days I even felt like I was doing a great job. Aiden was finally sleeping through, at any point it was bed time/nap time I would put him in his cot, close the door and he would go to sleep quietly. He was happy and friendly and didn't whine.

And then I was upgraded.

I am back to waking a good few times a night.

He fights nap time.

Fights bath time.

Throws tantrums.

Screams for you to pick him up.

Throws toys at you.

Pinches.

Bites.

Smacks.

Refuses to get dressed.

Runs away if it involves anything that means routine.

I'm back to hiding in the bathroom with a bottle of wine.

I know at some point I need to stop and reevaluate this stage in my sons life and make quick adjustments to his routine and discipline in order to survive and in order for him not to get any worse but sometimes motherhood just kicks you in the ass, single motherhood is starting to show it's true hardships and I somehow have found myself in the deep end again, swimming slowly back to where I can stand.

No words only memories

A Tear to shed

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,

"God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said, "When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart the

place where love resides."

Tempting

Finding the right words

I have so many half written posts saved up in my drafts, in my journals, in my little note books lying around. They all about something different but in the end boil down to the same sad truth. I'm trying not to come across as sounding angry or bitter, hurt or sad, happy and revengeful, I'm just trying to write it as it is but in a way that when and if Aiden ever reads any of this he is not hurt by it and will understand my choices.

I'm not quite sure when woman raising children completely on their own became so normal, not sure where it became a normal conversation to have when your answer is, "Oh, he bailed when I said pregnant." I'm not sure when men were raised and made to feel this is okay, it's just your flesh and blood, it's okay to walk away, it's okay to hurt an innocent child just because you are selfish and a fool.

I was once told my by sperm donor that he knows I'm strong enough to do it on my own, he knows I earn enough money to pay for my child on my own and he knows I have a great family who will give me the support I need, fair enough, I can raise a child on my own, I have proven it so far but that doesn't make what he has done right.

I sit and I see so many woman in the same position but a lot not as lucky as me and I sit and watch the struggle, I hear the tears and I see the exhaustion and the desperation for a helping hand.

I sit and wonder what I will tell Aiden one day, how do I explain it, how do I make him know it wasn't his fault, how do I make him believe it's not because he is any less worthy than the next person. Right now all I can say is, my love...

It's not okay!

It's not okay that your father isn't around.
It's not okay that he doesn't help financially.
It's not okay that he's not there at night to chase away monsters.
It's not okay that he's never heard any of your first words.
It's not okay that he hasn't seen you run and kick a ball.
It's not okay that he's not at the doctors or helping the sleepless nights.
It's not okay that you don't know his face.
It's not okay that his family won't stop to help.
It's not okay that he won't teach you to ride a bike.
It's not okay that he doesn't know your favourite foods.
And doesn't know your laugh.
Your smile.
Your kind eyes.
Your daily quirks.

It's not okay and I am sorry.

And I know that that will not take the pain away and the wonder and the curiosity but I do know that you will be okay, we'll be okay.