Friday, April 29, 2011 can't touch my belly!!!

Now this I completely understand, I don't even have a belly it looks more like I ate to many doughnuts on the weekend and people always want to rub my belly....ALREADY. Like it's some kind of magical lamp from Aladdin and this Genie is going to pop out and make all there dreams come true. Now I'm not a very affectionate person and I never have been and for some reason people think because I'm pregnant, this switch went off in my brain and made me one and now all of a sudden I wanna be hugged and touched constantly, well lets gets the facts straight, if there is a switch, mine was defected because I'm still the unaffectionate bitch I was before having a bun in the oven!!!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

What it's taught me so far

Next week I'll be 12 weeks pregnant, thank goodness, it felt like the first trimester will never end and i'm praying, praying so hard I'm not one of those woman who are sick throughout there pregnancy. Well besides from nausea, deadly fatigue and itchy fucking boobs the last 3 months have taught me quite a lot about my life and how I choose to and how I have chosen to live it and how pregnancy changes not only you but all the people around you to.

Firstly friends, it's like I was diagnosed with AIDS or something, a deadly disease that they might catch if they hang out with me like we always have for years. I understand I cant drink and smoke but hey why not look at it as you have a friggin designated driver for the next 7 months. I do still enjoy the same things I did before and honestly if you cant have fun not getting wasted for one night to spend time with someone you apparently loved being with not more than 3 months ago then I think you the one with the disease, not me. This aggravates me as I have friends from all walks of life and have always been accommodating to how there's is lived, not because I feel sorry for them or do it out of guilt but simply because they are my friends and I enjoy being with them not matter what state of sobriety we in.

Still on the "friends" topic, I recently lived in Cape Town for a year and a bit and made really amazing friends in this short space in time and I find it so odd, that these friends that I've known for a tiny bit in my life are more supportive and caring than my wonderful friends in Joburg who I have known for years and years. This including my party animal friends who are begging for me to come spend a weekend with them, pregnant and all. So I've realised in a few years when I'm stable and a semi-decent mother, I will move back to Cape Town and force my amazing family with me.

Family, what would I do without them, seriously they should get an award for being so patient and understanding coz I have been a complete bitch the last few months. They all trying so hard to curb there excitement and happiness of the baby because I'm a stubborn cow who really does love her unborn child but just can't seem to say it out loud because that would be accepting that I made the worlds biggest fuck-up and completely destroyed my life in one stupid night and that in 7 months time I am going to be a mother and I might actually enjoy it.

Then there is the ass... he's now decided to be a part of the baby's life which is what I wanted but now I have realised I have to share my child with an asshole who can't even find it in him to apologize for being an absolute dick. Whats worse is I want to be able to forgive this ass for what he's done and maybe even save our very short relationship we had. Now this I cant understand, as I am an intelligent, independent woman who always vowed never to be treated like I've watched so many woman do. Especially seeing a year ago I left the love of my life of 5 years because he liked drugs more than he loved me and yet I'm willing to look over the fact that this man left me because I wouldn't murder my child, our child and we were only together for a measly 3 months, I don't even love him. He far from deserves me and even though he's taken responsibility he's still being an ASS.

And finally... I've realised I can't bury myself in this hole any longer, not just for my sake but the sake of the people who care and for my baby who is coming in 6 months time. I need to find a way to accept this, get happy about it, inside and out, get my shit together with my designing and career, find some decent friends, maybe a few more with baby's and force a smile on my depressing face because at the moment I don't even want to be around me.

For my Friend Kay V

I hope this is on the way to Dubliners :)

Baby names...

It's a boy, it has to be a boy.... it better be a boy!


Advice would be much appreciated as I haven't given it much thought at all, and lets keep in mind it's going to be having two surnames: Smith-Mckay.

Have no words

At 9 Weeks.....

Monday, April 11, 2011

Loosing Myself

I know, I know, I've been quiet... there's so many reasons why, partly coz most of the time I feel so lost I don't really know what to say, I don't think it's truly hit me just yet and I've been so down that I don't even think I could find a hint of humour or wit in me to cover up my somber posts. Then I stopped and realised if you don't like what you read don't read it because at the moment I am extremely angry, angry at the asshole (I don't think I need to explain who that is), angry at God, angry at life, angry at karma, angry at the earth and angry at myself.

But don't despair this post isn't about gloom and doom, I'm gonna share with you some rather strange moments that are proof that I am loosing myself, my essential core of who I am, my personality and all  rational thinking.

Everyday, on the way to work, my dad stops at a petrol station to buy the usual, milk and water for the office and it's amazing if you just take note of the things around you how many people you actually see on a daily basis but are to absorbed in yourself to notice. Well I started noticing (mostly coz everybody else looks so happy lately) and there is this man and everyday he sits at a table at the petrol station, with a take-away coffee, with his ciggies next to it and reading the daily newspaper. Obviously waiting for his lift, but he never looks impatient, or rushed, or unhappy, he always looks perfectly content sitting with his coffee, smokes and newspaper. So the other day it had been raining so his usual table was extremely wet and he was trying to push most of the water off with a piece of plastic and then it happened... he knocked over his cup of coffee, he hadn't even taken a sip and all over his ciggie's and still he looked calm and content and I was crying like  baby. I wanted to save this man from his misfortune and buy him another cup of coffee. My heart sank, it felt so unfair, why him, all he wanted was to read his newspaper, drink his coffee and smoke his first ciggie for the day.

Another bizarre story is one that is ridiculous and hilarious but also made me realise why i might be so upset about having a baby. My sister has called me Jebear since I can remember. She's the only one who does and I guess it only makes sense to us or maybe just me. Well the other day, as they always do, everyone was trying to cheer me up about peanut and I was having a really, really bad day. Somewhere along the line, my sister piped up and said "Why don't we call it Bear" - I looked at her and started crying and said "but i'm Bear" and continued with those unflattering, uncontrollable sobs. And they all just looked at me, then at each other and just hugged me. I know it's ridiculous and not something any 23 year old should be admitting but it made me think. I'm not scared of having a baby, I know I'm going to love it, I already do and I know nothing will ever come before it once it's here. I'm scared of loosing myself, becoming invisible, becoming second not only to myself but to the people around me. I won't be me anymore, I'll be somebody's mother, people won't want to see me, they going to want to see the baby. Christmas, birthdays, easter.... it's no longer me and what I want it's all about this baby and the part that scares me the most I have no control over this and I won't even be upset that it's happening because I'll become wired into loving this child no matter what. I love control, I need control, who am I if not in control.

Terrible Humour....I know

Monday, April 4, 2011

42 Hours

Out of the 60 hours I had this weekend, I slept 42 of them away. I can now fall asleep while sitting up, standing, walking, even while having a conversation with you I could just dose off quite simply and to be honest I wouldn't even feel bad because even though I don't seem to have control over my body anymore. Sleep is all I want. I'm actually blinking my eyes a few times a second right now, while swaying from side to side trying very hard not to pass out on my lap top at work into a deep slumber of absolute bliss.

Everybody says I mustn't worry it's only the first trimester then it gets better. I don't quite understand how this statement is supposed to

Friday, April 1, 2011

Instruction Manual

Thank goodness I found this baby instruction manual, else I would of gotten a few things wrong.

1 - Why would I want to wake up my baby???

2. I might just of contemplated this one.

3. I don't like either options. 

4. OK, I'm not this malicious

5. I thought Cartoon Network was every mom's saving grace.

6. Will try find a happy medium. 

7. I heard Stopayne syrup works like a bomb.

8. I love my clothes way to much....but somebody else's....

9. Both of these look horrific and make me want to gag already.

10. Is this thing serious, I have never heard of cleaning a baby's nose???

11. I get one....this is also news to me???

12. This is why you start saving and selling your body for a full time nanny.