Thursday, July 28, 2011

Secret Postcards

I've always found these sites amazing and have a few bookmarked. People send there secrets into them on hand made postcards for the world to see. It's completely anonymous but I don't know if I could say some of the things they say. Strange seeing as I am basically sharing my daily journal with all of you. I haven't looked at them in a while but was reminded of them by another blogger. Have a look when you have time.

Post cards anonymous

It's all coming along

After my awful day on Tuesday, and it was awful. My emotions were sky high and I had a break down with my mom and attacked Darell for ruining my life, the poor man is probably really content with his decision to not be with me after that little outburst. I blame it all on the pregnancy hormones, there's no possible way I'm that crazy, or at least we hope not.

I stayed home yesterday with my mom, I do work for both of my parents, which is actually great because when I don't feel like going into the office I get my nice boss, my mom, to tell my mean boss, my dad, she has work for me to do and I stay home. Most of the time I really have work sometimes it's for my sanity which is pretty much for everybody's sanity in the house and then it's on days when my mom isn't going into her part time job and I get to keep her company. Normally this entails work, as my mother never stops and at the moment our house looks like a bomb hit it because of Peanuts arrival, everything has to be moved around to create his bedroom. So we have been organizing, this is me throwing things away when she aint looking because really we don't need half the junk we own.

So yesterday we spent the day sorting out the laundry room, the smallest but messiest and most over loaded room in our house. While this was going on we had hired a painter to paint the nursery ceiling and walls white so we can start on the murals this weekend. I'm so excited. Darell is also coming to put in the light fitting and door handles and all that other stuff. One good decision was getting knocked up by a millright chargehand, this is like a super man version of an electrician, handy man and wood work genius who earns enough money to pay a decent maintenance and do all the things around the house that I need done for the safety of his son of course.

My invitations are finally printed, now I just need to put them in there red envelopes and write out a 100 names. They look great and will be putting one up to show you soon. I went to the fabric store and bought the most amazing, brightly coloured fabrics for the 20m of bunting I'll be creating for the baby shower and made lists for everybody else of what needs to be done and dusted and then they can take over the party and I'll just pop my head in from time to time to check it's all to my liking.

Then there is the amazing Natasha from Raising Men, who has invited me over for lunch and offered me all her baby stuff she doesn't need anymore. Bless her heart, she brought me to tears the other day when I received her message and has saved me from a huge load of stress.

So everything seems to be coming along just fine for now and if I don't think about things other than what I'm doing right now I seem to not have to many anxiety attacks. I must say though, when I got into the office this morning the first thing I did was read my 2 favourite blogs Raising Men and Remember when we were young. They both had there birth stories up of there bundles of joy. If you haven't read these posts please do, it's a testament to how amazing woman truly are but if you are expecting and it's your first baby and you are scared out of your wits, read it, at least you know what can happen but don't say I didn't warn you. It's not for the faint hearted. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

One of those days... times a 1000!

I'm having one of those days, when I could possibly take a whole bottle of sleeping pills and never wake up again or at least until my life is somebody else's. In general, yes, I've moved forward and grown and changed and accept my life and at times I'm even excited but every now and then the reality of my life slaps me in the face and all that progress seems to disappear.

I'm having a child, a living, breathing child in like 3 months. Not a toy or a trial run, an actual child that is mine and that I have to look after and raise. Holy shit, who am I kidding, I can't do this, I haven't even pre-pared for this, I don't even have a cot or a bottle. F*ck I don't have somebody to help change diapers and get him in and out of the car. How am I actually going to pull this off.

As much as I think it would be easier for me if Darell wasn't there, he is and I have no reason to chase him away or not allow him near my son. And to be honest, I know I shouldn't feel that way at all. I'm lucky to have some one willing to pay for more than his half and help put up light fittings and curtain rails in the nursery. He always phones or text's to find out how I'm doing. Other than not working out we actually have a good relationship and it shouldn't even bother me that we didn't work out because we were only together for 2 months so under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be heart broken and would be over it in a week.

For the first time ever, I have bills, bills piling up. I"ve never had a credit card or clothing accounts or anything of that nature. I live off what I can afford, that is not so true anymore. I have doctors bills now that my medical aid savings have run out and the R800 a month for the doc is on me and my blood tests bill came, once or twice and now it's "Final Notice" in big red ink. I haven't even calculated what I still owe, I'm to scared and I have to start actually getting things for the baby that's coming.

I've never been fat and I regret ever thinking I was, my belly grows over night and I've never been so uncomfortable, my boobs are getting way to big for my liking and my ass is finally growing. I've never felt less unattractive, undesirable and unsexual in my entire life. Everything a man finds attractive in a woman becomes a machine equipped to grow and deliver and nurture a baby.

I really hate working with family and I know how lucky I am and I know how many opportunities I have but I'm tired of looking at the same people from when I wake up to when I go to bed. I love you guys but I'm suffocating here. I can never tell my boss "F*ck You, I'm resigning" coz I have to share a dinner table with him in the evening, because the guilt of not wanting what they offering is to much to take.

I'd happily be a receptionist some where, some smart person's PA, I'd happily do that for now because at least it will be something different, something I can call my own. So I can interact with other people so that when I come home at night I'm excited to tell everybody about my crappy day and how I hate my boss.

For the first time ever, I really want normal. I just want a normal, socially correct life. High School, collage, marriage, kids and a frikkin mortgage.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Not much to say today

I'm going into my 3rd week of having the flu, the only time I feel like I'm getting better is when I stay in bed but I just can't do that. Firstly it's boring and I have so much to do and get done I don't have time to rest. I don't care how long I have the flu as long as it's gone for the 5 days that I'm in Cape Town next week. I just don't think I can get worse, last week I rushed to the doc's office coz I was in so much pain I couldn't walk, he said my muscles are growing and stretching and from coughing it's putting strain on them so it's causing more pain. He even gave me pain killers other than panado, hallelujah, I thought, took them once then felt to guilty to take them again seeing as he gave me anti-biotics as well, not that they've helped in the slightest.

My sister finds these pains hysterical, the first time I was making myself a Peanut butter & Jelly sandwich, when I started squirming and shot down in the most awful pain. She found this so amusing she was one step away from lying on the floor with me just from laughter not pain. Turns out I reminded her of a scene in that new movie "Something Borrowed" apparently the chick is trying to dance to attract her man, so she is bumping and grinding and goes down and gets this cramp, and the guy asks her "Did you rip your vagina" and she replied "Somewhere near there." I didn't find this little comparison funny at all. However, when I get pains and people ask whats wrong I just say "Somewhere near there" there facial expressions are priceless and it eases the pain a bit.

Other than that I'm so busy trying to get things done and I'm so overwhelmed by what I still need and trying to pull off the largest baby shower bash of note, I haven't had much time to dwell on anything and really figure out what's happening. All I know it seems my morning sickness is coming back at least, so far it really is only in the mornings, I grow over night  and that my baby shower is going to be epic, lets just pray for good weather coz a 100 people in my garden fine in my house not so much.


Friday, July 22, 2011

Child Birth, Breast-feeding and all the other wonders

I think I'm a terrible pregnant woman, when it comes to reading up on pregnancy and child birth and babies I'm just terrible. it's actually none existent. All my friends who are pregnant, or who have just had babies or about to have babies all have hundreds of books and magazines. I just haven't found any that I can actually read I always just stop half way through an article or look at the pics.

My friend gave me a few of her magazines and one of her "Pregnancy and birth" books and I was flipping through them last night. Didn't last long, I find them to scary they freak me out more than anything and the more I read and the more stories I hear, the more I'm trying to figure out another way for my baby to come out because all options sound just awful to me.

I've wanted natural child birth from the beginning because I'm scared of needles and knifes cutting flesh and blood and the thought of somebody cutting me open while I'm awake and then moving my organs around to get to my womb and then pulling out my baby, seems so unnatural and disgusting and I'd probably pass out before they even put the knife to my skin.

The more I learn about child birth the more unnatural that sounds to. First, when my friend had her baby, she heard a woman down the passage screaming like a serial killer was chopping her up bit by bit. She later found out the woman had given birth to a 4kg baby without drugs because the "pain doc" (what they called) was no where to be found. This is the hospital I am going to. Can you imagine pushing out 4kg's without drugs! I think I'd seriously injure every nurse that came close enough to me until they found the f*cking drugs.

Then my mom just told me how another woman just gave birth and she lost so much blood during and after labour she needed a blood transfusion. Just think about it how much blood can you loose out of your va ja ja to need a blood transfusion. Now my mom assured me everything goes back to normal, but now I'm thinking fair enough but how quickly. How long do you walk around stretched for before you go back to normal. This is seriously freaking me out.

Then there's the Cesarean, my friend was in labour for eight hours and then they decided to cut her open, because she had one and was in so much pain she says she forgot about all privacy and didn't care who saw or touched her. She had to have nurses come in and clean her, a different one every time. some hurt her and some spoke to her will looking straight into her. Then there's the oozing puss cut she had to clean everyday, which got infected. All this makes me light headed every time I think about it.

Breast-feeding, I've never been a fan, being a waitress and watching strangers whip out there boob while telling me what they would like to eat kind of killed it for me. I learned that it helps weight loss and to get your stomach back to it's former glory, so now I'm all for it or I was till I read up on it and really thought about it. I read the other day that if he latches on wrong you have to de-attach him from your boob. This sounds so barbaric, you have to stick your finger in his mouth and push against his cheek till he releases his grip. The there is another girl I know, she stopped breast feeding because her baby actually made her nipple explode. I can't even imagine the pain.How is this natural or beautiful, it sounds like cave men and wild animals.

Then I read that it might make your boobs smaller, that I can handle I've always been small and actually miss having almost nothing but then they say "SAGGY." This was in an article promoting the health of breast feeding. Oh yes let's tell new mothers how there perfect boobs are going to sag this will definitely win them over. Lets not forget, because you breast feeding, leaving your baby with your mother will have to wait and going anywhere will have to be planned according to feeding facilities.

Last but not least, the breast pump. You know when you in school and the word sex makes you giggle and feel all uncomfortable. Well this is what this topic does to me. I remember once when I was in primary school we went a farm and we got to milk cows but some of the cows were connected to these huge pumping machines, with tubes and strange sucking noises happening. Someone asked the farmer doesn't it hurt and he said that's what the nipple cream is for and showed us this huge ass 10 litre tub of pink cream with flies in it. This is where my head goes every time somebody brings up this topic with me. To make it worse my friend isn't using her pump so to save money she offered hers to me, in front of my mother so there's no way around it. I don't care if I have been friends with her for over 10 years or we sterilize it and that she only used it once or twice, it milked her and now it has to milk me.

Some moron suggested raising my baby green to me the other day, I was a bit confused. Apparently disposable nappies take 300 years to disappear. So they want me to use those old fashioned, white toweling ones. These you need a separate bucket for to soak and wash and disinfect and then re-use. I don't care if disposables never disappear there is no chance in hell that is ever going to happen. So they said they running out of the ingredient that makes it absorbent, well as long as there's enough for the next 2-3 years that's cool  and if they run out after that I'll definitely never be having another child.

Overall reading those magazines and books have just made me wonder how is the world over populated, because the whole thing is just awful, painful, gross and barbaric. Yes I love my baby but holy shit I don't love the ones I don't have yet and wouldn't go through all of this again.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I only have one priority now and that's you

So much has happened the last few weeks, so much has been said, I've been through so much and seen so much and experienced so much. I've realised who is important, who is not, who deserves my love and who is a waste of time. I realised people come and go and who I must fight for in my life and what matters most and what is going to make me happy.

My little trip into the townships a few weeks ago really opened my eyes to how much I have and how much I really have to be grateful for. I now know that I could live with loosing everything except my family and my baby.  I learnt that I have found amazing people in my life who have only known me for a few months but have been there for me like they've known me forever. I see my opportunities that I have been wasting for so long and that I have all the means to make my dreams come true.

Ever since Peanut started moving, the excitement and love has been growing, yes fear to but he really is my only priority and is my life now and it's my job to protect and love and make sure he feels nothing less. I hate being pregnant but I wouldn't take it back for anything in the world.

Really, having a baby with someone you were with for only 2 months is crazy and I trusted him and his character because he's best friends with my best friends husband. Now he's not a bad guy, really not as horrible as everybody thinks, yes he bailed but he did come back which let's face it not many men if any ever do. However, I really don't know how I didn't see how unstable and crazy his life is or maybe I chose not to, they say love is blind or maybe lust is blind.

At this point I don't care if he's there or not and I'm actually thinking it would be better for everyone including my son if he wasn't. It's not him directly more the entire situation around him and he's choice not to get out of it. He's lady is crazy, I seriously think she might be bi-polar, her mother is so there is a great chance she is to. She plays these mind games with everybody and uses her 2 beautiful girls as warfare and everybody is just sitting there and allowing this to happen. I refuse to be part of it anymore and I am from this day on removing myself from the situation completely. The stress and anxiety is just to much and my son will not be damaged in the way those 2 girls are being damaged now.

I am looking into getting a restraining order against her as she has threatened me and my son and I have made it perfectly clear to Darell that she is the only reason he'll struggle to see his son. It's such a mess I really couldn't actually sit and explain, all I can say is I have never seen one small girl with nothing completely destroy an entire family and a strong man's life like this one.

As I said though I have one priority and that's my son, I can't fight for anyone else, I can't save the world or take away anybody's problems. I don't need love from those who aren't honest and true, I don't need friends who only want me when I'm fun and wasted. I don't need judgement or rule books. I don't need normal and conformity. I need family, real friends and my son. Everything else can fall away and as long as I have there love I know I'll be alright.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

If you love me

I finally bought my first pregnancy magazine and read a few articles, I find them terribly boring but thought maybe now is good time seeing as I'm growing over night and really struggling with pregnancy. Being a fashion designer and loving clothes and i love looking good, this belly is really getting in the way of that. I've also realised maternity wear is overall awful and I think it's designed by either woman who have never been pregnant or men for that matter.

It's like they think if you pregnant you must be a old fashioned, old, mom type who loves tent sized, bland coloured and all together hideous outfits. I refuse to buy those elastic waisted pants, I just refuse. So I am living in tights and long tops and my dresses that still fit. This is not going to last long though and I am struggling to find things I can wear. Another problem is they seem to design like you one size through out your pregnancy and that is huge with an enormous belly, instead of designing for each trimester. Don't worry though the Miss Preggy clothing line will be launched next year some time because it's just ridiculous and it will be affordable as nice pregnancy clothes cost an arm and a leg for something you not going to use forever.

Until then though, if you love me I found this sight Me a mama, it's not exactly what I want and some of it is a bit matronly but they have basics that you can wear through out your pregnancy. They have cute dresses and few long tops that stretch with you as you grow. I want. I want. I want.

Swing Dress R499


Summer Wrap Dress R499


Dirty Little Secrets Mothers Keep …

I often find myself on Dirty little secrets mothers keep, maybe I should wait till Peanut is actually out but I am trying to prepare myself for something I really know nothing about. It often makes me cry and it makes me feel for my mom and I realise how much she has sacrificed and how much I have to sacrifice very soon.

Mommy's never stop

I've always thought my mom was amazing and I count her as one of my best friends. Now having my own baby though I look at her in a whole knew light and watch at how she does things and think about why she does things. I've always been amazed at how much energy she has and the fact that she never stops going, how she can't sit through a movie with out sorting something or getting up to do something.

I never realised why she is like this, it's because she has no choice, she's been raising 3 crazy children for 26 years and I think she has become programmed into not stopping and even when we don't need something she thinks we do or about to so she is constantly prepared to stop what she is doing or enjoying to serve our every need.

I take my hat off to her actually if I had a hundred hats that still wouldn't be enough to acknowledge what she does just as a mother, never mind she has always had a full time job, is a wife to a very demanding man and has a very big family of crazy brothers and sisters and then there's her over baring parents that she now looks after as they live in the cottage in our back yard.

I'm really shocked that she isn't an alcoholic, drug addict or just plain mad and she made 26 years without any anti-depressants, only now after all this time does she actually need them. I'm really hoping after learning all this I have a child that is nothing like any 3 of us Mckay children, I'm praying for a non-rebellious angel that is happy with what I have to offer because I don't have my mom's patience, selflessness or compassion. She has done all this with a smile and a hug and rarely complained about her terrible children.

Last night after a long day at work, then grocery shopping and trying to get a woolies meal warmed up, which is cooking no matter what anybody says. She had to help my sister create an art sculpture over night because we are a family of procrastinators and it was due for this morning. She did it without complaining or saying my sister should of started this yonks ago, yes with a lot of curse words but also a lot of laughs, not because she wanted to, I doubt she ever does but because she is our mom and she loves us.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Wish I was there

Last week there was a meet up with all the bloggers in Jozi and I wanted to go so badly but woke up that morning with terrible flu. The more I read about the sadder I get about the fact that I didn't get to go.

Firstly, Natasha, Raising Men, had crammed her favourite pregnancy books into her work bag for me and even though we know each other and live in the same province, life always seems to busy to actually set up a time to get together. At least we'll both be with Claire in 2 weeks in Cape Town together.

Then I just saw the video posted, made by Gareth Pon, he is an amazing friend I haven't seen in years, thanks to life getting in the way. we went to collage together and he is such an uplifting spirit and amazing person and I am devastated I couldn't get to see him.

Then there is author of Remember when..., she was also there and I love love love her blog and she always has the nicest things to say on my blog and so I missed getting to meet her to.

It looked like so much fun and who doesn't want a chance to win fabulous prices.

Photos from Raising Men.

What goes up must come down

Just as things were running fairly smoothly, it all came crashing down again. Not all things huge problems some actually just small annoyances but together one big F*ck up. There are some up's in between but because there's good things and bad things and okay things, my brain is getting so confused and I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy or sad or angry or excited. A lot of it could just be pregnancy but somehow I doubt it.

The one thing I unfortuantly can't even write on my blog, sorry, I know how irritating that is, I hate it when people say I have a secret but I can't tell you. Rather just don't tell me you have a secret. Well this isn't a secret just a situation that can't be discussed until it's been sorted out. So if you pray, pray or give it to the universe, light a candle or rub Buddha's belly, I need all of it and fast.

Now I know why you don't organise your own baby shower, it's hard work, when your list is on 100 people and counting, it's even harder, when you have to fit all these people in your back yard it's even harder, when you have to combine two family's who have never even met and are all complete opposites, it's even harder, when it's in 2 months and you have done exactly nothing towards it, it starts to become a disaster.

I'm 5 and half months pregnant, I have exactly nothing for my baby, no crib, no pram, no car seat, no baby monitor, shit I don't even have one baby bottle. I have no idea what I need, can't they make a book that list's what you need to get and why so you can tick it off as you go.

Peanut thinks it's funny to start kicking me until I wake up, this is at 4.30 in the morning, every morning and he does this till I wake up and have no way of falling back to sleep. This has resulted in me going to bed a t 8.30 which in turn cuts my day in half and I'm getting even less done than before. Another joy of pregnancy I have realised is I have had my gums bleed when I brush my teeth for a while and my doc said it's normal. However it has turned into a horror movie, my mouth actually fills with blood, me trying not to gag from the taste and they carry on bleeding once I've rinsed. I am now terrified of brushing my teeth in the morning, oh and have I mentioned the swollen ankles... it looks like I have cankles most of the time.

If my brain actually functioned like it was supposed to I would be able to remember everything else I had to share but that's unfortuantly also gone down the drain. Maybe this is a good thing that I only remember my life in portions, deal with one thing at a time.

I do however love feeling Peanut move, I am loving the thought of what the nursery room will look like and am looking forward to my non existent baby shower. I'm going to visit all my amazing friends in Cape Town in 2 weeks, I realised there's a lot of fish in the sea and even though I have a baby I still have hope at finding my fairy tale or something like it. I have the most amazing family and my ass has gotten smaller since I fell pregnant.

Making a list and checking it twice

My mom is a HUGE believer in lists, she is constantly making them and loosing them and making them and never using them and then making some more. I on the other hand, don't see the point in them, there's to much guilt in not finishing them. However, seeing as I never know whether I'm coming or going and I think Harassed Mom has a great idea on her blog today, maybe it will help me get my life in order and seeing as I'm making it public I'll have to complete tasks.

So here is the idea, make a list of the things you want to do before your next birthday, use your age as the number of things you need to do. Simple. Here it goes.

23 Things to do before I'm 24...

  1. Get a drivers licence
  2. Finish (start) baby's room
  3. Start up Baby and maternity label
  4. Do not become a smoker again
  5. Loose baby weight
  6. Finish atleast one book I've started this year
  7. Unpack my boxes from Cape Town
  8. Recycle my wardrobe
  9. Sew up summer dresses and sell them
  10. Learn Photoshop
  11. Get a new Christmas tree
  12. Organise my baby shower
  13. Finish putting up photos and frames
  14. Survive child birth
  15. Get involved in a charity
  16. Find a good nursery school/ Nanny
  17. Go on holiday to Cape Town
  18. Choose a surname for my Peanut
  19. Make a baby blanket
  20. Learn more about type-setting and Graphic design
  21. Enroll for a Marketing course
  22. Look into seeing a shrink
  23. Catch up with friends (long list)
24. Party the night away

    Thursday, July 14, 2011

    I have no words!

    I read this article last night while cooking my dinner and feeling Peanut move, I couldn't believe what I was reading. This is in the area I live, literally up the road from where I live. There is a monster who would actually do this to there own flesh and blood. Now I know I contemplated abortion in the beginning and quite frankly it's a better option than what this mother did, but now I can't imagine loosing my son or anything happening to him. So this is just so far beyond any normal rationalization for me. There's so many options, adoption, foster care or like I said in the beginning abortion.

    New born found dead in rubbish bin

    A new born baby was found dead in a rubbish bin on Louis Trichardt Street in Alberton this morning.
    08 July 2011 | Bruno Carvalho

    A vagrant was going through the rubbish when he found the packet the baby was wrapped up in. Thinking it was meat he tore open the packet only to find the baby's remains. "I immediately called a woman standing nearby to alert her of what I had found and she called the police," said the gentleman.

    Police were called to the scene at around 9:15 where they confirmed that the baby was a newborn and might have been in the bin for a couple of days.

    Alberton Police Captain Manaka Rhapulu is asking anyone with information about the incident to call the Alberton Police on 011 861 6800.

    Wednesday, July 13, 2011

    21 Weeks!

    I wish you never came back

    I think it would be a less lonely pregnancy if Darell never came back, he hasn't done anything wrong. He comes to the scans and pays his half. He phones or texts everyday and is truly excited about his son. Seeing him however just makes me realise I'm doing this alone even if he is there when he "needs" to be. It reminds me that I don't have someone to share this with, to be excited with, to choose cots and prams with.

    It feels like marriage without the benefits, divorce without the hate, friendship without the care, a business deal at most, a means to an end and a 'have to' not a 'want to.' This is what I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life with a smile on my face. Birthdays, sports days, Christmas's, Easter...every other weekend. Everytime I see him it's a slap in the face because I always remember how he treated me and there's nothing I can do, I have no choice but to forgive and try forget. I can't refuse to see him. I can't hate him. He pays nothing for what he did, he just receives all the joy from being the father with no guilt or care in the world towards me.

    Don't know if you realised I'm having one of "those" days, I wish I could take prozac, I think they should invent an anti-depressant for pregnancy. I'm hating pregnancy at the moment. Yesterday my doctor told me, "Now is the best part of your pregnancy, enjoy it, he's growing and you are growing." Exactly I'm growing, I've never felt so unattractive before, my beautiful wardrobe is worthless now and I'm worried I'll never get into anything again. My back aches so bad I basically lie down on people's couches when I go visit. My legs cramp and it feels like I've been to gym every night this week, my ankles swell so much I get stuck in my boots, my hair, my poor hair, it's like straw I just want to cut it all off. I lie awake with heart burn for about 2 hours before my body is so exhausted I just pass out. I pee every 5 minutes which drives me crazy and I still have 4 months to go!

    Monday, July 11, 2011

    Hope to see you there

    Life changing

    I've done so much in my life already, some good, some bad and all challenging but this must of been the hardest thing I have ever done and actually accomplished. The first 4 days were amazing, fun, school like camp, brought back memories of when I was sweet and innocent. Childlike games and lights out, cold showers and food that you question if it's edible. Then we were dropped off in townships, all ready to make a difference and carry on the fun and games. That came to a halt almost instantly, and I hated every minute being there, I thought I wouldn't get through it, I wanted to give up so many times and at points I thought I was going to actually die. You had to really on the people around you and most of them I didn't even know. You had to really on God because only something bigger than us could get us through.

    The first dreadful incident was my first toilet use or lack of toilet use. I expected a long drop but not like this, wooden seat (imagine the germs) and a door, well the illusion of one, there i am squatting wondering why theres a pile of newspaper next to it (haha jokes on me) and this man with a wheel barrow walks past a looks right at me through the 20cm gap between door and structure. As badly as I needed to pee nothing was coming out.

    We were in the squatta's, no electricity - you realise the luxury of swithcing on a kettle and having coffee in 2 minutes, we got so deperate for a cup we used the bolied water we just cooked our eggs in. It took hours to cook oats and sometimes a Peanut butter & Jelly sandwich was better than the trouble. No running water - you had to fetch buckets of water to use and were scared to drink it but had no choice, and only cold water. You had to boil water to wash your dishes, you washed you hands in freezing water, you bathed in a bucket or like me didn't bath for 4 days, brush your teeth outside in the freezing cold. The cold - last week must of been the coldest week in Joburg so far, 0 degrees for two days with the coldest wind, we got so cold you actually are in pain, we cried from the cold and there was no appropriate shelter to keep warm, the coal ovens create warmth but you have to be right on it to feel it and with 11 people in a shack 2 by maybe 4 meters this is a hopeless task. There's mounds of trash everywhere, poverty surrounds you, hopelessness is the main ingredient. You realize things you take as basic needs and things you just use to survive are a luxury these people will never know and some actually watch you have them, they clean your house, fix your garden work to the bone for a pathetic amount of money. Then go home, trek to fetch water, cut wood to keep warm, take hours to cook a meal and get into a frozen bed, never know the feeling of a bubble bath, or a toilet seat with a door or whether there'll be food on the table the next day.

    Even though they have nothing and they know we have everything, they welcomed us with open arms, the children loved us and just wanted to be near us. They made us snacks for our arrival and warm water to wash our hands. We never felt in danger and they showed us there culture. I never felt "white", I never felt unwelcome and they tried there best to accomadate us with more than they had just so we felt we were at home. I was humbled and realised I have no problems, I have no needs only wants, I realised I can change lives with the amount I have. I realised we live in a selfish world and nobody deserves to live in such conditions, were going to the toilet can be deadly to your  health.