Closing doors so new ones can open

I haven't been writing here for a while now, I've been wanting to but something inside has been stopping me. This blog and my old one Miss Preggy holds on to a lot of pain and hurt from my past. It in a way doesn't allow me to  move on from everything that happened and just enjoy life. It also is a door for some rather mean people to look into my life that I don't want there and I am tired of the bullying.

So I am closing the door on From There to Hear.

I am not giving up on writing just not here.

So hope to see you on the other side of where I may pop up.

Dear Aiden

In a little over a month you will be 2 years old. Oh how time has flown by. How much you've grown and turned into this little personality brings such joy to my heart.

I never knew I could love anything or anyone as much as I do you.

People search for happiness there whole lives, they are continually looking for this extra something to complete them, they aim for all the success in the world to leave a legacy when the pass on but my boy, you are that for me. 

You are my heart and my soul, my happiness and my extra something and you are my legacy. If I do nothing else right except being your mother I will have lived a proud and complete life.

You are my little monster and watching you change everyday and learn things and grow brings such joy. Even the temper tantrums, I just sit and stare at you in amazement because you are so strong willed, so defiant, so stubborn, so passionate and so damn adorable.

I wish I could press pause for a little bit. I'm really loving the stage you in right now.

I'm really loving how I'm the only one you want right now and I'm not sure when that is going to pass. 

I love your cuddles in the morning, and your kisses good night.

I love how you say come mommy when you want me to play.

I love how you already say please and fankyou.

I even love how you pronounce sock even though it's totally inappropriate and how you simply stop everything you doing to tell us you parted (farted). 

I love how you cry weeeee when going over hills or down dips. 

I love how you point out and say yellow truck, blue car and a beebaabeebaa when you see an ambulance. 

I love your shyness and at the same time the way you embrace a whole room

I love your laugh and love for animals. 

I love your excitement and innocence. 

I love your sportiness and your musicality.

I love you.

I know I'm not the perfect mother but I hope one day you know everything I do I do for you.

I don't want another child

I get the question, "when is number 2 coming?" a lot now that I am in a commited relationship. Or other comments like "you have one you might as well have two" or "just have one now before the age gap between Aiden is too big."'

But quite honestly I dont want another child. I didn't want kids to begin with, yes I love my child with all my heart, he is my life, my joy, my sunshine and he is also all I need.

I don't have this burning desire to bare another, I am in no way broody and I love my neat and calm little family of now three.

I didn't just make this decision out of pure selfishness, I have been thinking of having another child for a while and although there have been one or two crazy moments where I thought it would be nice in the bigger picture I never see myself having another or wanting one.

My reasoning.

1. Everyone says if you have one you might as well have two. It's the same thing, if not easier. I don't believe a word of it because when I was pregnant no one told me how hard one is so I highly doubt this statement. Everyone who says that is probably doubly or triply sleep deprived or can't actually remember how hard having a kid is. And that's the thing Aiden is 2 months shy of his second birthday and he still doesn't sleep through the night and now people want me to do it again, you all mad. And lets face facts if I had number 2 it would be after I am married so lets base that in the next 3 - 4 years coz I ain't rushing and then Aiden will be 5 or 6 and I must start all the way at the beginning.

2. Financial reasons. Having a second child is selfish and stupid because I simply can't afford another one. It has taken me up to now to be standing firmly on two feet and I've finally moved out of the folks place. I just make ends meet. Plus I can give one child an amazing upbringing with great education and opportunities now I must split that between 2. Doesnt make sense.

3. Fear of the unknown. I have a child who all he has is me. I am his only parent. Yes Brad loves and adores him, yes he treats him as if he was his own but he doesnt have his own and I can honestly say I would never love another child as much as my own flesh and blood so its easier said than done and I don't want Aiden ever feeling like he isn't quite part of a family. Aiden was here first, he is my first priority. This fear may subside but for now it is my reality

4. Only child syndrome my ass. My siblings are probably going to pop out a good few, especially my sister. All my friends have kids, he goes to school and plays with kids all day, our neighbours all have kids. It's kids deluxe every where you look. He'll be fine and he'll never be lonely.

5. Its my body and its my decision. I've had a child in a pretty messed up situation. The last few years have been more than tough, I know first hand that having a child should never be a slap dash decision or an oopsie because its a little person and that little person depends on you to make smart and thought out decisions.

6. My body. Not my skinny body just my general health. I hated and I mean hated pregnancy and I still remember it clearly. I was in and out of hospital and almost had Aiden earlier than I had him. It was hard and from my pregnancy I developed hyperglycemia and I've just been diagnosed with insulin resistance. Imagine what a second pregnancy might do to me.

So unless its an act of God that I fall pregnant, my loop stays firmly in place.

I do take my hat off to woman who have more than one actually take my hat off to any mother. I don't judge those who have big families if it works for you that's great but it doesn't work for me, its not part of my goals or dreams.

I love my unconventional, unmarried, family of 3 individuals who all love each other for who we are and not for what society expects us to be. We perfect just the way we are. Why change it.

On moving out

So we moved out.

We moved in with Bradley.

Our new house still has boxes lying around.

And still tons of work to do before it looks like a home.

But I wake up in our room and because we have so much space I have a white bed set and white curtains because I can make rules like no eating in mommies room because well we have a whole house to eat in.

Its bliss.

You see at my parents place the only real space was my room which also happened to have the downstairs tv in so it was kind of like a train station for every one. I felt very suffocated.

I don't any more. I can breathe again.

I am however a tad bit homesick. A tad bit sad to be building a new life without my parents in it every step. I have moved out before, I lived in Cape Town for 2 years so it's not the shelter of home I miss it's my family.

The last few years have been super rough and having a child at home is different in the sense that they not only my immediate family but Aidens as well. They the ones who came with me to scans and rushed me too the hospital when I went into labour. They were there when I had nervous breakdowns from sleep deprivation and the ones who shared all his milestones with me.

They are my life as much as Aiden is and I do miss them and I don't want to loose that or get to busy to keep it.

So even though I have moved out, a part of me and my heart will always be there and it will always be mine and Aidens home.

If I can even be half as great a parent as mine have been I know I will have done a brilliant job.

So to my mom and dad, I love you with everything I have and I am the woman I am today because of your continuous love, support and encouragement.

Always a single mom at heart

From the minute I fell pregnant I was alone in the parenting world. I was thrown into a life I wasnt ready for, so instead of learning how to be a parent with someone to share it with I learnt how to do it alone, I never knew any different and I still dont really.

I have always done every nappy change, made every bottle, done every night duty, every bath time and so on and so on. My body, my brain and my heart became a single mom I adjusted my lifesyle to this way of thinking and I think once you've been a single mom that feeling of being one will always be there or maybe just the fear of being one again comes into play.

I met an amazing man, a man that loves not only me but my son as well. He has taken off pressure by helping with bath time, night shifts, bottle making and school drop offs. I've had more Sunday naps now than I have since having Aiden. He truly is a blessing and I am truly grateful for his love.

I still call myself a single mom though, maybe its the sense of responsibility that comes with a child, the guilt and the emmense love. Maybe because I'm not ready to share, I feel like I have done so much alone and he is mine and I'm proud of everything I have accomplished alone.

I'm hoping this feeling will subside, I'm hoping I'll be able to drop down my walls and allow him in fully and I'm hoping the fear of Aiden and I being abandoned again will disappear.

You don't get to choose

When you have a child you don't get to choose...

You don't get to choose when you want to be a parent.

You don't get to choose when you want to wake up.

You don't get to choose when you want to pee.

You don't get to choose when you want to bath.

You don't get to choose when you want to sleep in.

You don't get to choose when you can have a Sunday nap.

You don't get to choose when you'll sleep through the night again.

You don't get to choose when your kid will stop throwing tantrums.

You don't get to choose to cop out.

You don't get to choose when you having a bad day to stop being attentive.

It's a child, a child that relies on you.

He relies on your love daily.

He relies on you to bath him.

To feed him.

To dress him.

To make his juice.

To change his nappies.

To take him to school.

To fetch him from school.

To listen.

To pay his bills.

To comfort him.

To play with him.

To discipline him.

Not some days or when you feel like it, every minute of every day you are a parent and if you not ready for that don't have one. 

I have a pocket full of change

My entire life is up in shambles at the moment. In both good ways, bad ways and sad ways. Everything is changing, my life is being redesigned and hopefully in a few months it will be flowing again with routine and structure. I like plans and schedules, not a huge fan of living in the moment, I need to plan the moments and always have full control or I go a bit dilly.

First big change my darling sister left for the big USA. Now if you have read this blog for any amount of time you'll now that she is a huge part of my life and my heart. It broke my heart to say goodbye and I often cry when i think of her but as sad as it is I am happy for her and so proud that she's brave enough to follow her dreams. She's off au pairing for a family with 10 children, crazy right.

I'm taking the leap and moving out of my parents home. I have lived on my own before but not since falling pregnant. Im scared to say the least but also super excited. On top of just moving out, im moving out with my boyfriend, we have discussed our future and what it holds and it's right for us regardless if peoples judgements.

Aiden is moving school's.  This decision made me toss and turn at night for weeks. I'm worried about too much change all in one go but I'm not happy with his current school so praying I made the right decusion and he takes to everything well.

It's all a lot right now but it's all finally coming together.

I"m not a great happy writer

I haven't done a post in over a month, I open my blog every day and every day I think today I'll write something. Problem is I'm not very good at writing when I'm happy, when things are going well. Get me on a bad day and my journal is full of my deepest thoughts, I can put out sarcastic and heart wrenching posts but make me write about perfect days filled with smiles and laughs and I become rigid in my writing and it almost comes out as a step by step guide on a good day.

So here is a "step to step"post on what has been happening.

My toddler is quite literally insane or maybe he is just making me insane. I think terrible two's are starting to kick in full force and he's keeping us all on our toes all the time! He still doesn't sleep through the night and basically instead of fighting it I have just come to accept it and just continue to pray that one day before I die I'll get a few good nights sleep in and if not I guess I'll sleep a good few hundred years of my eternity in heaven.

We moving out! This I could write about, it's a bundle of mixed emotions, I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited and I'm confused. I need a good few days to actually think about it before I sit and write about what it all means to me but while I put that in the back burner of my brain, I am focusing on decorating my new home in my head.

My company is thriving, more than I expected it would in the almost year it has been officially running. I love my job, I love having my mother has my partner, I love the fact that regardless of all my failures and mistakes in life I can firmly stand proud that at the age of 25 I own a successful business that is growing every day.

I'm starting another little side project that I will share soon. It's pure passion and I'm super excited to get it going.

I'm in love. I have found 'the one' and I have my very own little happy family.

So in between packing, working, running around after a little terror I am going to try focus a bit more time to my little blog here, I miss it.

With Fathers Day looming

It's that time of the year again only this year my heart is in a whole different place. I've come to realise although Aiden's bio dad is nothing to brag about we have some pretty awesome men in our lives. My dad, who is probably the best grandpa I've ever seen. My crazy ass brother who will be the cool uncle I won't let my kid go out with after a certain age and then the man in my life, our life, who treats my boy as his own.

I have been trying to find ways to show my gratitude to Bradley on Fathers Day but without the blatantly "daddy" things as I'm not quite sure where and when that will be acceptable. We learning here daily, baby steps. Along my research I found these cards, they not particularly what I was looking for but they funny.

Happy Fathers day to all the great men who raise their children, all the miracle men who help raise other mens children and to all the single mommy's doing it alone, it's your day too!

A little time away

Any relationship is hard, its takes tons of work and patience and compromise. Being in a relationship with a toddler is a whole other ball game. Your relationship kinda skips that whole puppy love aspect as time is min and there's this little person jumping in between kisses and romantic words.

We try have one date night a week and every second weekend an entire night off from being with A, we do get time in between that but with life being so busy we haven't lately.

I randomly said that we need to get away even if it's for 2 nights, we need that time alone. Only to realise we hadn't in 6 months spent 2 nights alone together.

And so we went away, for 2 nights, to the quaint little Nullarbor Cottages in Magaliesburg.

It was a silent heaven.

And the perfect time to reconnect.

In our backyard (almost) - Rietvlei Farm

Lately we've gotten into quite a rut, we became hermits for a while and weren't getting out the house at all. Thus making us all a tad insane and making the toddler extremely uncontrollable. It's hard to find things to do and places to go that are kid friendly and affordable. And when I say kid friendly I mean an environment where the kids can play freely and I can watch them from a distance.

Now I have lived in Alberton my whole life and I always tend to venture out when we plan something to do because well it's the South, what exactly is there to do here. Low and behold, there is a gem of a place literally down the road from me and if you venture past the front section there is a little kiddies heaven. (No I never knew this place existed) I have always taken my car to get washed there and then stop at the very open restaurant, which is like sitting in your garden with a waiter.

A little while ago we went a little further and found what Rietvlei Farm is really all about. For R25 for adults and R12 for kids you step into a huge farm with a Petting Zoo, picnic facilities, braai facilities, lapa's to rent for birthday parties, train rides, pony rides, tractor rides, there's even a Spa! The list goes on and on.

It's our new favourite spot.

And my new mission to find things to do closer to home.

And the winners are...

I always try make this as random as humanly possible. So I've opened up a new post and will type the first 5 numbers that come to my head between 1 & 11 and then check who the lucky winners of the Babygroup vouchers are.

So the lucky numbers are:

6
9
2
11
7

And those winners would be....

DeMonique
Remember When
Kash
Brigitta Nel
Sindi

Please will the winners email me at jmckaydesigns@gmail.com with your contact info and I can get your vouchers to you ASAP.

When life is good

Life changes all the time and it's finally changed in a good way, a great way. With picnics, and bird parks and playing soccer outside after school. With work flying in and a future being built. Less tears and more smiles. Life is good. It's the little things that make it so wonderful.