Things I Know - About Me

• I constantly have a secret love affair with the wrong decisions
• I am only jealous when it comes to my mother and her love and attention, I don't want to share her.
• I am addicted to Peanut Butter 'n Jelly sandwiches
• I come across as a cold person, I have a hundred walls and rarely let people in (I know, strange I'm so honest on my blog)
• I love stationery, note books, sketch books, letter writing kits and boxes - I have so many I never use and probably never will.
• My love language is "Gifts" - I spoil just as much as I love being spoiled.
• I throw beautiful party's and I know it and I love it and I am proud of it.
• I'm a really shitty pregnant woman and that's okay.
• I swear like a sailor.
• I can drink and smoke like one to.

A really BIG... "If"

If I ever find a decent man, so far my 3 biggest relationships have been with a drug dealer, a soul mate turned drug addict and then of course the infamous womaniser and liar. So we talking a big IF here, when I say this is what I'll wear one day at my wedding, of course my own design and my own twist but this I love, love, love. If you have never looked at Rock n Roll bride's blog, you really should. She is amazing, so amazing she turned blogging into a career.... who said I'll never do pretty and fluffy on my blog. I told you it would come some day, I do still dream you know.

Put me in a Nut House!

My feet are swollen or maybe I have just acquired fat feet. I wake up with these fat feet and they just enlarge through the day. The hot and itchy and most of the time don't fit into all my beautiful shoes. At time's I seriously would just saw them off that's how much they bother me.

Who said pregnancy is beautiful?

Okay so I have just over a month to go, maybe a month depending what the doctor decides tomorrow. I can't believe I have made it here already but I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the next last bit or how anybody around me is going to survive either.

So I was thinking maybe I should just ask my doctor to put me in a nut house for the next month. It's probably safer for all those concerned and probably best for my unborn child, seeing as I am a ticking time bomb and I heard stress and anxiety are bad for babies.

Don't worry I'm not making fun of the nut house or the nutters. I have already been there before so I have earned my stripes at being allowed to joke about the mentally ill.

I was in the psych ward for 2 weeks of my life. It was a holiday of note and when I think about it I should of tried to stay longer. It was over 3 years ago but I still remember all of it so clearly. I had a dream about it last night, I really want to go back just for a mini vacation before the baby comes. Only problem is I'll have to miss out on all the drugs they give you and they are kind of a big part of the appeal.

You floating on a cloud all day and then knocked out like the perfect sleeping baby every night. You have a bell that people answer to. You are served 4 course meals 3 times a day, and the food is honestly amazing. You get to see a psychologist everyday and do workshops like beading and yoga. I got a massage every morning and you could even book mani's and pedi's. People love you when you in hospital and they bring you flowers and chocolates and balloons that you get to organise every morning. You surrounded by very high people who are all little off somehow and so you constantly laughing and hearing the most bizarre stories.

They keep the serious nutters in there own room... and when they freak out in the hall they get needle spiked in the neck and you get more drugs so you can sleep that night.

Oh and to make it all better, medical aid paid for the whole shanagan.

Don't worry I'm not mentally ill or at least I have chosen not to be. I did mention how I had been and done probably every crazy and stupid and strange thing one can do in life. This however was a stupid doctor and a wrong diagnoses but it was an experience I will remember and love forever.

Seriously send me there, please!!!

I'm all kinds of crazy!

Have I lost my mind? No, I'm just pregnant.

Are some of the emotions I feel real? Yes, it's to be expected.

Am I easy to be around? For some, for my family sadly not.

Do I want to run away? YES

Am I going to get over myself and deal with the shit I made for myself and can only blame myself for? OFCOURSE...else I wouldn't be me.

I hate pregnancy, I have from day one and in my situation it hasn't made it any easier, I can't wait for it to be over. Honestly though, people ask if I'll have more kids after this and if I'll ever let myself love another man. Yes I will, I might even get married, and if a man can actually make me love him that much to do something that crazy and stupid I'll even give him ONE child and it will be nice to feel what pregnancy feels like with a loving, supportive person by my side.

Not for a while though!!!

Ante-natal classes are something to be warned of, I am learning stuff but it's not really making me excited for my bundle of joy. It's just reassuring me why I didn't want kids in the first place.

Reason 1 - cleaning up another humans shit, we saw pictures of all the different kinds of shit that can come out of your oh so sweet and precious little angel! Not so sweet after all!

Reason 2 - Projectile vomit and the fact that I have to clean it.

Reason 3 - Screaming, crying and no more sleep, ever!

Reason 4 - After 9 months sobriety, I can't drink when breastfeeding either, can anybody shout NAN!

I have learnt other stuff, like I now have a reason to only let in visitors those first weeks at specific times, I was trying to find a way to tell people politely how I actually just don't want most of you to visit because you don't ever visit now and entertaining you is the last thing I want. So now I will only allow people to come see Aiden for an hour in the day because I don't want to Over-Stimulate him and cause him to become a screaming baby! You all wondering if it's you I don't want here... probably is :)

My baby shower is in like two weeks, have I started that bunting, hahaha, no. I'm going to knock it this weekend though. 20m bunting I can do it, with the help of my super mom and no I'm not leaving out the bunting, it's the reason I chose my theme to begin with.

My baby room is basically complete, just needs curtains and a carpet, this amazing woman, who doesn't even know me gave me a beautiful cot and compactum, what for it, for free! In perfect condition, I'll say it again for free! That stuff is worth a fortune, so when I am done with it I'm going to pay it forward and give all my baby stuff to an orphanage.

Disturbing

I saw this on a punk bands Facebook page promoting there next show, I know these guys and I know they see the humour in it somewhere. My thing is what beer company thought this would sell beer and what advertising agency actually put there name on this. Strange, I was literally speechless.

Sometimes it's hard to find the light

I know what you all thinking already, one day you'll realise it was all worth it, you'll never regret it, all the pain, anger, hurt, resentment, confusion and sorrow doesn't even come close to the love you'll have for your son.

Right now I can't do this, I don't want this, not like this, I don't want my son born in this mess, it's not fair on him and I'm supposed to be making all these decisions on what is best for Aiden when I am still trying to figure out my own life. I'm still trying to find my own way and what I want and now I have to make all these decisions for someone else's life and I'm just going to fuck it all up.

I never wanted children because I never wanted marriage. I don't see how love can last forever and even if it does how long are you really happy for. I never wanted children in divorce or in an unhappy family. I never wanted them to feel that pain and confusion. That sense of doubt. That feeling like one of there parents don't love them as much or maybe that it's there fault that it all turned out that way.

How did I get here. How did I end up fucking up so badly that I became a single mother the minute I fell pregnant. Why did I get this way with a guy who cared so little for me, that he could walk away in the first place.

I am so tired. I am so tired of thinking and wondering and trying to figure out what is right for Aiden and what is not. Surnames, maintenance, visitation and and and. Can you all just leave me alone. I don't know the answer and why should I tell you the answer anyways you just going to disagree with me anyways.

I am so tired of trying to make everyone happy and trying to stop disappointing everybody, it's like nobody thinks how hard this is for me in my head, in my heart, just because I'm smiling on the outside doesn't mean I'm smiling on the inside. Just because I get along with everyone and have forgiven everyone doesn't mean that I couldn't shout and scream and punch people till they can feel just a drop of the pain and fear I feel.

Just because I can organise party's and make fantasy frikken nursery's and organise everybody's life and get everything done and still work and manage to look good 8 months pregnant doesn't mean on the inside it's all so neat and tidy.

Today as much as it's wrong to say, I can't see the light. I don't even want to try. I want to rewind to last year this time, when my biggest heartache was wishing my friend the best in America and having weeks of farewell parties and looking at the bottom of a jager bottle.

I'm so printing this for A!

Pretending is a full time job

I'm fine, I'm always fine, that's just me. I'm brilliant at looking fine, putting a smile on my face and getting things done. I rarely stress...on the outside, I stress internally which is probably terrible for my health because my body eventually makes me slow down.

I have surrounded myself with all things baby, getting the nursery done and writing list after list for the party. Make sure my weekends are full with youth and church and chores and things that have to get done. I make sure I'm never alone, that way I don't have to think about things. I've blocked people from getting to close so they don't ask the questions I don't want to even think about never mind answer. Surrounded myself with people who are new and don't know the ins and outs of the real story of whats going on that way I can pretend that this isn't such a royal fuck up.

I am about to have a baby, yes I have come to terms with this fact, I am even excited to meet my son and I love him more than words can ever say. I do not regret him and wouldn't take any of this back just because I can't imagine not having him in my life but honestly I know for a fact this is only the beginning of a long war of maintenance issues, lawyers, family feuds and battling to not have to let my son go to where I know is unsafe.

I have been on bed rest and so have spent a lot of time on my own and with nothing to do. I shouldn't be back at work but I can't sit with myself for another hour. I will go insane and I will break down. I have never been so ashamed and embarrassed by my choices and I don't even know where I am going to begin to explain to my son that it's not as bad as it looks. I was tricked, I was lied to, I was manipulated, I was a fool and I believed it all. For the first time I become a notch on some guys belt, he never loved me and he never cared, he's just  stuck with me forever now but he does love you, Aiden and for that I will suffer the consequences of my actions and I will take any judgement and stigma that comes with it.

You all thinking how could I want my son to see this, read this, some things have changed over the last little bit that has changed everything. There is no way around any of it anymore. If my son only see's the truth that others have created around us without me knowing then he will be just as embarrassed as I am about who he's mother is or what others have made me seem to be.

A lot of people ask why I defend him so, why after all he's done and said do I stand up for him and fight for him to be there. Why no matter how bad it seems to get and how many more lies are uncovered do I still want him around because I know that's what is best for my son. He has a father that loves and wants to be there, even if's it for a year or two years or five, I know I tried, I know I never took away something that every child needs. One day he can make his own decisions about what has been done and said but I am not making those choices for him. I don't have a perfect father either but I love him no matter what and would die for him in a second, that love is unconditional and my son deserves that.

I also don't love him or want him back or would I ever take him back. So there is no emotional ties of heart break and wishing he sweeps me off my feet and after this last weekend I am 200% sure of this and am no longer a fool to anybody involved in any of this. He took my heart and threw it away, they took my trust and didn't respect it, I will willingly let them into my home and life to help raise and love Aiden but only over my dead body will anybody take him away from me.

Things I Know - That Frustrate Me

• People who drive the in the yellow line during a traffic jam, I seriously am tempted to smash into them as they drive past.
• Old people, even old people I love, even old people who live in my back yard.
• Call center agents, especially Cell C ones, they ruin my day and I think I've ruined a good few of there's this week to, will be ruining some more if they don't put my phone back on.
• Store Policies, no bending of rules on these policies even though the reason they would have to bend them is because of there lack of service to begin with.
• People who don't RSVP, not the ones who I know are coming, they normally always around, the people who still think maybe they coming so it's like they just waiting to see what else might come up first, rather don't come the invite was out of courtesy anyways.
• People who take over, I will hang my baby's clothes from the ceiling if that's how I want it, get yourself knocked up and make your own nursery (not you mom or Casey)
• Phone calls after 7pm at night.
• Phone calls on Sundays
• Guilt trips, they don't work on me, they just irritate me so much I'm going to do it again just to piss you off.

Last Stretch

So yesterday I was clearly not a ray of sunshine, I don't think I'm much of one today either but I'll try put a bit of kick in my step before I make everybody suicidal. There's nothing actually wrong, nothing major has changed or any serious news, other than the fact that I'm having a baby. A real one. A living, breathing baby.

So I have decided to have a C-section, now to convince my doctor to not even bother trying natural but I'm sure it will suit him fine, then he can plan he's next round of golf better and it's more money to pay off he's beautiful, shiny, red Ferrari. I was leaning on this decision already then being in hospital and hearing all those horror screams and having so many complications, I just felt I couldn't make it through natural childbirth. Then at ante-natal classes on Tuesday, Casey and I got to watch a birthing video...holy mother of cow, there isn't a chance in a million fantasy years I'm doing that. We saw it come out from start to finish, we saw the doctor cut her va-jaja with nail scissors, we saw a fountain of goo spray out and then an alien head pop out and wiggle around and then this whole friggen body - kapow! Sorry, I have nothing to prove, I don't feel like less of a woman for not even trying, I actually feel like a smart one and I love pain killers.

So because I'm having a C-section, I'll be getting a baby a few weeks earlier! So instead of having like 8 weeks to go, I have 6 weeks to go before I have a living, breathing baby!

Good news is the baby room is practically done, we just need to get the furniture in this weekend and get curtains and bedding. It was a major stress of mine, so yesterday I spent the day painting cupboards and bookshelves and got done what everybody was taking months to do. Yes I wasn't supposed to but Aiden is still inside and now I'm a little less stressed so I think it was worth it.

Then there is the baby bash happening in 3 WEEKS, basically everybody is coming so we talking 90 people in my house. Please pray for good weather else I have no idea what we going to do. The marquee only fits 50, 10 in the kitchen, 10 in the lounge, 10 in the pool room and 10 in the bathroom. I still have 20m of bunting to do, I know, I know, I'm a procrastinator I should of listened to my mom and ordered it. We have to organise the catering and now we will be having a pool again. It was broken so it was going to be drained and emptied and I was going to turn it into a play den for all the kids. Its a huge pool, and thought it would be awesome to fill it with all kinds of balls and those kids tables, and colouring stuff and play doe.etc. but now we having a pool which is great but 15 kids and a swimming pool - please if you coming, bring there cossies but keep an eye I'm in no condition to go diving and saving kids.

I've been at home since I left the hospital, a week of being in bed and then a week of doing some typesetting but still taking it easy. I am so bored already, I'm going back to work next week, even if it's a few times a week, else I'll go insane over the last stretch.

I can't wait for the pregnancy to be over but I'm just as anxious of the journey after it because that one is never over.

Why? OH Why?

Patience is a virtue that I never received. I actually don't think any of us have it in my immediate family but we all lack it in different area's, I however lack it in general. The only place I think I might be more patient is when it comes to queues, traffic and waiters. That sort of thing.

On top of lack of patience, is my high levels of being easily irritated this maybe being a result of having no patience. So incompetence, selfishness, nagging, lateness, constant questions and just possibly invading my space when I haven't allowed you in makes me go insane. 

I deal with this frustration by shutting down, being rude, pushing you away and then at some point exploding and then all hell breaks loose and then I am a plain awful human being.

Now although all this is true, don't get it confused with the fact that if I don't have a kineke with you or we don't connect or I don't let you in because very few do, it's not because I'm irritated with you or angry or I don't like you or a result of my lack of patience, I'm just not a chit-chatter, I'm terrible at small talk and I'm often in my own head and I actually haven't noticed you or I think I have said hello already.

Now if you take that part of my personality and attack it and tell me I'm rude because I'm a dreamer or because I don't jump up and down for joy when I see you, or I break your heart because I don't give you enough details about my life and I don't talk to you enough, that patience problem I was telling you about comes into play.

This all explains why I am feeling the way I am feeling at the moment, I think I might explode, why can't people just leave you alone. I'm not talking about everybody, I'm talking about people you might see a lot but aren't actually friends with, family who can actually qualify as strangers, friends who seemingly can't understand the word busy or I'll let you know and just in general does it look like I'm coping with my own life, do you honestly think I have any part of me left to deal with your heart ache, your problems with me, the guilt you so gladly drop at my feet and whether or not I say hello with a fucking smile on my face. 

If you ask me "How I'm doing?" every week and every time my answer is "Fine", if I have never opened up to you more than that, if you feel I never let you into who I am, if you feel I jump for joy and am super talkative with some people and not with you, chances are I'm always going to be just "Fine" with you, not because I'm rude or a bitch simply because I have been hurt so bad in the past the amount of people I let in are so few and far between you would be surprised I have any friends.

Oh and it doesn't mean I'm not your friend, or that I don't love you, it's just who I am. I build walls to protect myself, I could just be day dreaming and not all together on the same planet as you at any given time and that I might just never talk about my problems with you or tell you my deep, dark, dirty and juicy secrets but I'll gladly talk about music over dinner with you and don't feel bad there is only one person who knows everything I'm going through when I'm going through it. Who knows all my feelings and can tell you when I'm sad or angry just by looking at me and that's my darling sister.

This is probably going to make sense to no one, and will go over certain heads and I'm still going to feel like this next week because some people in this world are just oblivious to anybody else's feelings and life's and because for some strange reason if I don't call enough during the week, or greet you with a big cheesy ass smile and because I don't pour out my soul every time you ask how I am then I have broken your heart. I'm a selfish friend. I don't like you or some other bizarre concept, it can't possibly because I'm quiet and reserved or just tired or pre-occupied or 8 months pregnant or trying to reconstruct my life that fell to pieces or maybe yeah not everybody likes everybody who cares, I'm not supposed to make you happy you are!

Is God a Christian?

My mom asked me this question this morning. Obviously not expecting me to answer or to dwell on it every chance I got for the last 24 hours. It's a valid question, it's a question with an answer and it's a question that makes you think and humbles your heart.

The answer is obviously "NO," seeing as there is a God to every religion and I can't deny somebody else there God just because He is not exactly the same as mine. Yes I'll tell them about mine if they are interested but I'll never say your God isn't real only mine is. It's not very nice and it is in no way going to make them listen to you.

Then of course you have to look at the fact that to Christians no matter if Baptist, Anglican or Methodist and Catholics and Jews, we all actually love and believe in the exact same God, just different versions of religion and different traditions.

Yes, I am expecting criticism, backlash and maybe even a few phone calls,(Thank goodness my phone is blocked at the moment), regarding those last few paragraphs. I intend to offend no one and just giving my opinion and how I see it to be.

I am just one of those people who generally struggle with things of this nature, maybe it's because I'm always questioning, I tend to over think everything and maybe it's because I love my rebellious nature and I'm scared of loosing that spontaneous side of me. So I occasionally do sit and think to myself maybe we all just crazy and there isn't a God, because sometimes it does feel like He's not there, because sometimes I can't believe if there was God why so many things in this world and in my life happen, because sometimes I just want to die and go no where, I just want to sleep forever and never wake up again and the thought of being happy in heaven for eternity sounds so tiring and there I will actually have to like the people who made this life so damn hard and awful.

I said I was a Christian I didn't say I was very good at it yet or like any one you've ever met. Sometimes I actually wish I wasn't, then I could be a heartless bitch, alcoholic, recreational drug user or live in a selfish existence without being judged and asked, "Aren't you supposed to be a Christian" this question being asked by people inside and outside the church.

The answer to that question is "I'm human!"

I wish there was a point to this post, I just really loved the question and I'll probably be thinking about it for at least another few weeks and could go on and on about all of it. I think the main reason I find it so intriguing especially now is because D is a Catholic or thinks he is or wants to be, I'm not quite sure and people seem to have a huge problem with this.

So Aiden will be half Christian, half Catholic, don't really see the issue. Either way I wasn't planning on baptizing my son, Christening him or even dedicating him. When he is old enough to decide, he can decide if God is a Christian or a Catholic or a Jew and he can make his own choices. One of the main reasons I want to raise my son this way is because if he is anything like me you tell him he is a Christian or he is a Catholic, he is going to try a hundred other opposites and that might just land him in a whole lot more trouble than being half Christian, half Catholic.

Review: The Blessing

The first book I received from Booksneeze was The Blessing by John Trent and Gary Smalley. Giving the gift of unconditional love and acceptance to your child or to any child you encounter is an amazing thing to be able to do. With Aiden coming so soon and the circumstances in which he will be born into I have to be even more in tune with whether he is feeling loved and accepted. I truly believe you get your sense of self-worth, confidence and love language from your parents and this book is a beautiful journey of just that.

It has taught me how to pass on the Blessing to my son and even to the children in my youth ministry through five elements.

• Meaningful Touch
• A Spoken Message
• Attaching High Value
• Picturing a special future
• An active commitment

Along with this you learn where you lost it in your own upbringing, where you gained it and how to move past certain things that old you back if you never received it in certain areas of your own childhood. It is a real eye opener and teaches you great lessons in installing love, self-worth and confidence in your child.

Something to make you smile

I want a kid this awesome and talented or at least this freaking cute!!!

Slutwalk Johannesburg

On Saturday the 24 SEPTEMBER is the Slutwalk in Johannesburg, I have been waiting for this event for months and was one of the first to say "I'm Attending" on Facebook - Facebook Event. Unfortuantly I'm not even allowed standing for longer than 10 minutes so going on a protesters walk is just not going to be happening for me and I'll have to wait till next year and hope they hold it again.

It's such a great cause and such an important message to get across and hopefully touch a lot of woman who have been raped or molested and feel that it is there fault and deserve it in any way that that is not the case and that we all stand behind them and support them and that they deserve justice. Here is the site Slutwalk where you can find all the info you need and want and I hope they have thousands attending. Wish I was able to be there and can't wait to here all the feedback.

Mom2B

Don't we all love free stuff, I do, no matter how small. It's free, somebody took the time to give it to me out of some sort of kindness in there heart or because it's the job. Whichever way you choose to look at it.

I received the Mom 2B Pregnancy Shake sample. They posted to my house with neat little pamphlets and my name on the front. The only thing I have been receiving in the post is OB GYN bills so this was really exciting for me.

If you go to Moomie, a great place where moms and moms to be meet, also great to find out about new products and awesome competitions always running. You can get your shake sample to.

It is really yummy and I am a fussy, fussy eater. It contains all the essential nutrients, vitamins and minerals for both you and your little one. It helps with nausea (always a good thing) and your digestive system (jackpot). I'm definitely going to try out a whole tin and it's for expecting and lactating mom's. Love, love products that cover more than one aspect of your journey.

Pregnancy Yucky's

I'm 31 weeks so it's 9 weeks if I go natural and only 6/7 weeks if I go for a C-Section. I'm going to see my Doc next week so then we will now for sure. I must say I don't know how I'll make another day never mind weeks.

• Sandman spells, I get these instant exhaustion spells, I'll be fine one minute and then the next I could seriously pass out standing up.
• I get this foot stuck between my ribs and flesh that is extremely painful.
• I get kicked "somewhere near there" that feels like I'm seriously going to pop out the baby right then and there.
• It now looks like I have an alien in my tummy, it moves like a horror movie, it's awful and creepy and gives me nightmares.
• Heartburn, like nothing you have ever felt before, my lungs hurt, I can't actually breath, I become immobile, I actually cry real tears from the pain this causes.
• Back ache, from my neck all the way down to my ass, actually I get ass ache from time to time from all the pressure this heavy bump is creating.
• Sleep, hahahahahahahahhahahahaha, what's that.
• Stretch marks like sneaky vines, they grow daily, I can't really talk about this, it's to heart breaking.
• General moving takes a lot of energy and it's easier to just stay still.
• However staying still is also painful, as certain positions seems to cause pins and needles and cramps.
• My boobs are growing again, who knew they could anymore, I seriously think a boob job gone horribly wrong would still be less painful than this way of doing things.

All this and men still complain about putting a damn cot together.

Right for Me

I never knew you could learn so many lesson's in such a short time, I feel like I'm a completely different person to who I started as at the beginning of all this.

Obviously being your general, selfish 23 year old who vowed was never getting married or popping out baby's, what I knew about pregnancy and motherhood was and for the most part still is below zero. So I have spent most of the past 7 odd months living off people's opinions. Now I'm not talking about advice, I'm talking about opinions and there is a difference.

You can tell the difference, when it rest's easy and you take it in, it's usually advice and when it irritates you and pisses you off it's opinion and in the world of pregnancy and motherhood there is a mountain of opinion, judgement and competition it seems.

I've been battling with the decision of whether to go natural or C-section right from the beginning and have changed my mind a hundred times. Not because of what is right for me but because f what seems right to everyone else.

Everyone has a scary natural birth story and everyone has a scary C-section story. Everyone seems to know what's best. Everyone seems to know whats best but no one seems to have stopped to think, what would be best for Jess.

My medical history is a tricky one and my love for doctors, dentists and needles is shameful. I was the kid you could hear screaming from the reception area when getting my blood taken and this was before they had taken the needle out of the packet. I blatantly refused to open my mouth at the dentist and have been put under for every small tooth extraction.

This has never changed, no matter how old I get or how many times I have had it all done. When I was 12 I was put under for a "bladder operation" a simple catheter to fill my bladder with fluid, while awake never. To much pain.

When I got my braces at 16, the dentist gave me happy gas when he put them on because I was in such a state of anxiety.

When I was 21 and had to have blood taken I cried in the car and my mom got the nurse to come out and convince me to come in and promised to use the same needle she uses on babies.

My mom or sister hold my hand every time I get my blood taken, I cry every time I have to get this done.

My GP gives me local anesthetic before giving me and injection in my ass.

I'll happily sit through a horror movie, I cringe and hide under the blanket if anything has to do with a doctor or a needle appears on tv.

I fainted at the front of the church at my best friends wedding from heat and nerves.

I fainted when I got my belly ring and wouldn't let the piercing guy do my second ear lobe, this was after making my mom take me to get my ears pierced like 10 times and chickening out every time.

I'm scared of roller-coasters.

I'm scared of the dark.

I have been to so many specialists since I was 16 trying to find out what's wrong with me before being diagnosed with arthritis. So I have been on chronic medication for 8 years before falling pregnant. So I wasn't healthy to begin with.

I have had a long and hard pregnancy, I've been so ill and had so many bladder infections and even hyperglycemia and anemia.

On top of this last week I ended up in hospital with threats of pre-mature labour from bleeding. I have a softening cervix and had to go through a steroids course to strengthen my baby's lungs and fasten his growth.

With all this and my past fears and current fears, I have to deal with anxiety and guilt about which way to give birth. When really it should be what's right for me and what I feel is best for my child and I.

I have nightmares about giving natural childbirth, I am absolutely terrified of going through it, plus I don't have a husband by my side supporting me. It's another thing I have to get through by myself. I have a pain threshold that is quite frankly none existent and right now I don't even know if my baby is safer inside me or not.

The thought of being able to choose my date, wake up in the morning, go in, get a epidural which freaks the shit out of me but it will take all pain away and have my baby out in 20 minutes puts my mind at ease and my heart at peace.

Yes I will be in pain afterwards I know this, pain killers I can do, shit I have missed pain killers since I fell pregnant. Maybe it will take longer to get my stomach back but I know lots of woman who have had ceasers and they look amazing now. Maybe it is the easy way out and to woman who can go through natural labour I take my hat off to you but that doesn't mean it's right for everybody and it doesn't mean I'm less of a woman or mother because that's what I choose.

I honestly think it's the way I need to go, I think after all that's happened it's what's going to end up happening so why not just go with it from the beginning and why on earth would I choose pain over no pain.

You should so go

If I could still fly or maybe if I could still be on my feet for longer than 10 minutes, I would definitely be flying down to the beautiful city, Cape Town, to attend this with all my friendlings in the city. So if you are a dweller of the Mother City you should really go to this awesome event for bloggers to meet up, there's cake and awesome prices, oh and awesome people.

The Belly

Made with Love

This is what the nursery is currently looking like and I am no longer allowed to do anything. How it's ever going to get finished is beyond me.

Things I Know

I have had one hell of a week and there is only one thing I know for sure this week

• I LOVE MY SON

30 Weeks - 4D Scan

My little man wouldn't wake up for the scan but we got some nice profile pictures.

Life, Death and Love in between

You don't face that many life or death situations, or at least you shouldn't. When it's you in the situation you kind of just hit survival mode and do what needs to be done but when it hits some one you love and you in the middle of it, it takes a whole new life of it's own.

I've been through it twice with my father, once when he has 11 blood clots go through his lungs and then once when he had a heart attack of some sort and I had to help get him to the hospital. It really is an outer body experience. How the movies portray it is actually pretty accurate. The whole world slows done and becomes a blur around you, colours mix together and the only thing absolutely clear and that makes sense is you and the person you love. At that moment nothing else matters, nobody else matters, voices can't be heard and all sound like a slur of deep sounds pushed into slow motion and thrown at you with people pulling and tugging you and all you want is that one person who at that moment you know might not be there if you come out of this daze. It's safer in the blurry world in the mess where nothing else exists except this love you know you can't live without.

I never want to feel that again when it comes to Aiden. I have never been so scared and so desperate for anything bigger than me to save us. I've heard so many stories about cot deaths and miscarriages in pregnancy as late as 7 months and where the baby dies a few days after birth when I woke up to see blood, my whole world started to spin. I knew I wasn't in labour because I hadn't felt a contraction so I knew something was wrong as I had been in so much pain the night before.

My sister and I were the only people home as my folks had gone on holiday and my grandparents had decided to spend the week away. I didn't want to wake my sister up because she had a cycle test at school and I didn't want her to miss it so I took my phone out her room, that's where I've been sleeping lately, and tried to call my mom to find out what I must do. The answer was simple, go straight to the hospital and my sister heard me talking and didn't really give me an option other than, screw the cycle test.

I still don't even remember driving myself to the hospital, I don't remember taking a parking ticket or locking the car, all I know is they sent me right to the labour ward. I remember thinking why they sending me to the labour ward, I'm not having a baby now, I'm no where near ready to have a baby and my sister, she's not ready to watch me have a baby. It's the longest walk ever, it's on the opposite end of the damn hospital and I had to go to like 5 desks before finding the right one.

I remember telling the nurse, something is wrong, blood, pain, 30 weeks pregnant, help. She calmly told me we busy changing shifts someone will help you now. No chairs to sit on and nurses everywhere and they busy swopping shifts. I wanted to scream at the top of my voice. I wanted to tell them if anything happened to my baby I would hunt them down and they would definitely take notice of me then.

Eventually I get some help and I get a bed and they put the monitor on for my baby's heart beat. The minute I heard that heart beat, everything started making sense again. I got to listen to his beautiful heart beat for 30 minutes.

My doctor comes in to do an overall check, the problem with my doctor he is always so positive and never wants to make me panic so he always kind of down plays things. As he's telling me I have to get tests done and stay in the hospital for 24 hours to be monitored in case of pre-mature labour and that my cervix is softening, which apparently is only supposed to happen when you go into labour. On top of that we just going to give you a cortisone shot to fasten he lung development and pills to strengthen you and baby Aiden further.

All this and I must remain as calm and stress free as possible. 24 hours is a long time, when you worrying about the life of your child, while you listen to woman down the hall screaming while in labour and you all alone because the only person who is allowed to be with you all day is the father of your baby but mine doesn't actually give a shit about me and is busy packing for his vacation with his girlfriend.

I made it through though, I made it through because of amazing friends love and prayer. I'm out of the hospital and I am on bed rest for as long as possible. I'm on medication that makes me feel like complete and absolute death. I actually fear taking anymore tablets buts it's strengthening little Aiden as my doctor doesn't think I'll make it through to my 40 weeks.

I'm not allowed to lift my hands above my head, lift anything vaguely heavy, drive in traffic or far distances. I'm not allowed to stand for longer than 10 minutes and then he said "and no intercourse" at first I was so confused, I kind of had to think about what he was saying to me. Then he looked confused, like this is how you ended up this way! I had to laugh at that point, I said, that won't be a problem, I can't even get the father to visit me in hospital.

Dear Aiden

I only have 10 weeks to go and if I decide to go for a C-section like I'm really considering it will only be 8 weeks. For the most part I'm content with everything and at peace with my situation but I keep thinking about how I am going to explain this mess to a child. I will only allow him to read any of this when he is much, much older and hopefully by then I haven't completely screwed him up but for now this is what I feel.

Dear Aiden

There is nothing but the truth, there is no hiding what really happened, I can't pretend this was all meant to happen and I can't tell you, that your father and I made the right decisions. Most people know how this all came about and the story of my pregnancy and most of it I have made public so far.

I do wish I could keep you from the truth, I wish I could put you in a bubble and protect you from all the mistakes I've made, all the mistakes your father has made. People are going to say things, nasty things. They are going to judge you, me and your dad. They might be mean and you might not understand what they are saying when it happens but just know I love you, your dad loves you and most of all God loves you.

When I look back now, I wish I listened to everybody, I wish I understood the love I have for you, I wish I knew the feeling of this bond that I can never let go of and never live without. I never listen to anybody, it's not a good thing so if you like me in that regard please try not to be. I was stubborn and scared and lost and I felt things that I will always regret feeling.

Your dad to, he hides his emotions just as much as I do and I know he regrets the things he did and said, he's made up for it so don't listen to what other people tell you. I already know who will try and tell you, they will try make it sound like it was all his fault but it wasn't, don't be angry at him, don't blame him, he loves you and is so excited for your arrival. We made mistakes together and were both in the wrong at some point.

As much as this is all changing my life, and I am terrified of getting it all wrong, I wouldn't take any of it back, people are going to be really mean, you might hear along the way you were a mistake, that we didn't want you, that people think you have irresponsible parents. It's not the truth not by a long shot.

The truth is, your daddy and I had a whirl wind romance and were caught up in having somebody to love after both being in bad relationships that things moved so quickly and before we knew it you were knocking on my tummy. It was sudden and a shock to both of us, we were scared of our families responses and what the world would think We were angry at ourselves, never at you. We were ashamed of ourselves, never of you. We were mad at each other and all that happened was never towards you it was just a result of fear and being lost and unprepared for what was to be.

So please don't listen to all the stories, never believe what some might say because the only mistake I made was not being able to give you all that I wanted to right from the beginning. I don't know what the future holds, but I am sorry I can't give you a conventional family, I am truly sorry your dad and I never worked out but we are friends and we will always do everything in our power to give you stability and as much love as our hearts can.

We made mistakes and I wish they would never affect you but they are going to, I know they will, and I would do anything to take that pain and hurt away but always know I love you more than anything in the world and you will probably only understand that love once you have a child of your own. I would never take anything I did back if it meant loosing you.

You've stolen my heart and you haven't even arrived yet.

Love your
MOM
xxx

Aiden's First Rock Concert

Last night I went to watch Prime Circle at my sister's school, met up with a few friends and had a awesome time. I have grown up watching bands of all sorts and spending weekends at musical festivals and since I fell pregnant I haven't been to anything of the sort. This is definitely the most sober rock concert I have ever been to, probably the most sober one for Prime Circle to. We were up in the crowd, my sister jumping and going insane while I was slightly bouncing.

Getting Ready!

Ash Darling in the opening band.

My gorgeous sister Casey

Aiden Rocking Out!!!

Things I Know - Emotional warfare

I'm on attack at the moment, be afraid very, very afraid. These are the apologies I know I need to make.

• Keith, I love you, I refused to help him at work and used very disgusting language to express my hate for  my job, working with family and how I just don't care ( later on that day, he was held up by gunpoint, my guilt - times 1000)
• D, for no reason what so ever beside the obvious but still no real reason as we have all moved on and are comfortable with our situation, (mantra), I lashed out at his character, uselessness and brought up behavior and words used over the last 7 months. Maybe true but nothing good came out of it but anger and taking of steps backwards.
• Mom, you on holiday, you deserve a break from everything, especially me, but I hate it when you away, I need you all the time but it doesn't excuse my terrible behavior with you on the phone. Don't feel guilty I was just being a bitch, now go have a cocktail on the beach.
• Dad, now he is a big scary man and I call him a bear, because he is one especially when mad. He only talks once and back chatting is not acceptable, he's just someone who expects respect and gets it and I generally do to mostly because anything else would be like getting blood out of a stone. However this week I was blatantly rude on a few occasions and because I'm pregnant and ill I get away with this behavior. I'm kind of like a 3 year old with puppy dog eyes at the moment.
• Customers, or what I think used to be customers. I should be banned from answering the phones. I do apologize, we are the best and do deliver, and it's not your fault you ask such trivial and stupid questions, over and over again.
• Aiden, I do love you, but it hurts when you kick me in my ribs, and you make me ill in the mornings and you making your mother fat. So those thoughts you sometimes hear are out of frustration and they probably just going to get worse over the next 10 weeks.

Fear of Soccer Mom's

Did I ever mention I never actually wanted children or marriage, but children was definitely never on my plan. Not because I'm young and still partying, I'm just not maternal or openly affectionate. I think babies are ugly and toddlers running around actually aggravate me. People couldn't believe I was pregnant because they to could never imagine me pregnant or being a mom. Actually my mother looks at me on a daily basis and says, "Oh my, you actually pregnant, it's so weird!"

I guess one reason I shouldn't be a mom is because I am extremely selfish but I never wanted them because I never wanted the responsibility of f*cking one up, I've done a good job on my own life so why torture a poor helpless soul. Along with that I always wanted a high powered career, social life and travelling. I love being able to do what I want when I want with out worrying about anything or anybody but myself. Ask my mom, she stopped trying to tell me what to do at I think, 15.

Now along with all that is I have an absolute fear of the ultimate "Soccer mom." My mom is so far from one of these it's not even funny but in a lot of ways she is a mom and has mom tendencies. I don't even think mom's realise they have these or do these things, and I am terrified of falling into that trap. Add to all of this, last year I was young, hot and free. I could have any guy I damn well pleased and I played it to the fullest potential now I am a mom and will be limited to a few who have a fetish for the whole "milf" thing. It's an awful word we really need to get a new one.

I have basically been my sister's taxi for the past few weeks and it's what brought around my logic for this post. I have been observing mothers all around me and it's starting to freak me out. Fetching her from school, the mother cliques, that stand at the gate chatting about how amazing there little genius is. They all wear those "Juicy" type track suits and there child is perfectly groomed to perfection. ( not to bothered, it will never be)

Here are some that scare me, there are parking spaces, lots of them, we all park in them, all the kid's have to walk to the car, except a few, that double park us in or block the road to the cars behind them, so there kid only has to walk a meter to the car. They don't seem to hear the hooters or see the irritated faces. They are oblivious to the world because they have a pass because they are a mother.

Then a few meters down the road the next mom in front of you, slams on breaks causing a traffic jam and you can see her stretching over trying to sort out what I'm guessing is spilt milk. Now I understand if your kid is squirting blood from his ear but can't the spilt milk just soak up calming next to last weeks orange juice mess, so that the rest of us can get back to work or deal with our own child, or the one that nearly popped out of me when I had to slam on breaks so damn hard.

My biggest pet peeve right now, is the question "What is the time?" mom's love this question, it's insane, my mom asks it exactly every 15 minutes. Even if we watching a dvd. She has a watch on, she owns a cell phone and it's only been 15 minutes since we last told her but she has to ask and she HAS to know. Else it's like the world is coming to an end.

The say "hello" say "thank you" thing. Even at 23 I'm still told to do this and it is so embarrassing, here's the thing though we not even given time to do it ourselves before we hear this coming from the background and I've witnessed every mother do this. Including the wiping of the face with spit, asking a hundred times if you have everything, demanding of a sweater being worn even if you travelling through the desert, that includes shoes because without them you will develop pneumonia and die but with all this, they forget everything else and take forever to get out the car and choose a parking space.

No offence to any mom's out there who have any of these traits and do any of these things on a daily basis, I hope you actually laughing at yourself when you imagine what you look like to the rest of the world and lets face it, I'm on my way to a few of these if not all, I am going to fight it though for as long as possible. As proof I haven't completely lost myself to the dark side of mommy-dome, my folks went away this weekend and I did grocery shopping by myself for me and my sister. This is what I walked out with:

• 6 pack Super M strawberry milk
• Pack of Flapjacks 
• Box of milo ice-creams
• Cheese naks
• Fruitos
• Box pizza
• Box of microwave chicken nuggets
• Ultramel toffee puddings
• Banana's
• Milk n Bread

Extreme irresponsibility but it made me feel young, hot and free again!!!

I'm a Christian but I'm not "That" stereotype

Everybody seems to be finding it really strange when I say I go to church again on Sundays and I'm a youth leader on Friday's. People actually take a step back, you get less invites and even if they've known me for years they immediately judge me as your stereo-typical church goer.

I've been in both worlds and questioned both and that's why I can say I am who I am regardless of what anybody says, whether it's the person in church sitting next to me and thinks I say "Shit" to much or my friend who hates Christians and argues with me to try prove I'm incorrect. You either like me the way I am or keep walking because I won't change.

Now I know why most people hate church, trust me I do, I haven't been going for 7 years and if I didn't get knocked up and became sober on Sunday mornings I probably wouldn't be back. Still today I don't really love church, I don't like conformity and rules and I don't like people who live in boxes and unfortuantly that's what a great part of church is. I don't live in that part, believe in that part or take part in that part and there are a lot of us who are actually like that.

Like any organization in life though, you have to remember the goal for that certain group or ideal. When you at work it's a product or customer. Friends it's a relationship. Family it's love. Gym it's fitness and so forth and church it's God, you have to block out all the politics and opinions and focus on what's important.

Now in no way am I a bible basher, I don't shout it from the roof tops and in no way limit myself to a set way of living and I expect no one to have the same beliefs as I do. I have friends from all walks of life and that will never change. I've always had a thing that I don't talk about politics and religion and I always said I won't talk about it on my blog.

However, as everything goes in life at certain stages, some things are a bigger part in your lifes as others and right now this is in my life. So occasionally it will come up. Being brought up in a Christian home my belief in God has always been there and I have always had strong faith. Whether I went to church on Sundays or not. Whether I was doing drugs or partying hard or doing charity work I have never denied that belief or that love.

What I can say is this year has been one of the toughest I have ever been through ever, I have lost a lot and I have gained a lot. I can say with no doubt that if it wasn't for God I'd probably of had an abortion, I would of run as far as my legs would allow. If it wasn't for the people I met at church and the genuine friendships I have made I would of crumbled and fell.

They say God works in mysterious ways. I am living proof of that. Trust me I'm as stubborn as they come and He has worked really hard at getting me to listen and sort my life out and I really believe this was the only way to get me on some sort of track of stability.

Is it easy, no, there are those who have passed comments and judgments on my life and I do just want to walk away, but then there are those who have been there for me through all this. Who have been more excited about my son than I have. Who have given me the most encouraging words and haven't let me give up.

The reason for all this. The biggest lesson I have learned through this whole nightmare is, people are people, we all have issues, we all going through stuff and most of us are actually good people with good hearts and are just taken the wrong way. We judge way to quickly. We point fingers and stop listening because people are a certain way. We forget that that is probably there only way to cope.

Remember

I AM

A Mothers Love

Doctor's visit

I am so sorry for the late update, wasn't near a computer yesterday!

I went to my GP as he is a quarter of my OB, I didn't go to my normal GP as she is basically a glorified drug dealer and brilliant if you need time off but I wanted to be checked properly so I went to Dr. De Kock, he suits his name to the T, he is an absolute ass but a good doctor no matter what you go in for he checks every nose hair and freckle.

I have high blood pressure which is not good because that causes Pre-eclampsia but I have no protein in my urine so I'm clear for now. I also have low sugar blood levels and they have done a full blood check again so we just waiting on those results, he's betting on anemia. Joy to the world. He said I must remember I am 7 months pregnant as he thinks I've forgotten and take it easy and not try accomplish defeating the world right now.

He also made a really lovely comment when he pricked my finger with a needle and I almost fainted, I have an extreme fear of needles, and he laughed and said, "How are you going to get through child birth?" As I said he suits his name.

So basically I have to weigh myself daily, if I pick up more than a kilo a day it's bad and I need to rest as much as possible, which I am really trying to do but it's good news because Aiden can comfortably stay inside me for a while longer.

Thank you for all the concern and sorry once again I made you all worry.

Say a little prayer for me

I have a doctors appointment this afternoon, I'm going to be checked out and tested for "Pre-Eclampsia."
I'm freaking out a bit here, I really am praying my hardest that everything is fine and I just have a monster baby who is eating me alive. Yesterday I was suffering with really bad abdominal pain and feeling very dizzy with a bit of a blurry eye. I also had muscle cramps in my arm. I thought nothing of it, pregnancy has taken it's toll on my body right from the beginning but apparently growing so much in a day isn't actually normal. So I'm going to be checked out, just in case.

I am trying to remain calm as it is rather serious, hospitalization or even inducing pre-mature labour! I hope I am just being over paranoid.

Here is some info on the disease, it's worth reading especially if you pregnant and just be aware of your body.

 http://bellybelly.com.au/pregnancy/pre-eclampsia-pregnancy

Please say a little prayer for Aiden and I.

Pregnancy Yucky's

I am over pregnancy. I hate it now more than I ever did. If you love it that's great for you but I honestly think you lieing.

• Yesterday I measured my belly, it was 101cm, this morning I measured my belly it is now 107cm. The maths - I grew 6cm in a day (I'm a pro measure girl, I studied fashion, I didn't get it wrong)
• Fat feet, itchy feet, hot and sweaty feet, burning feet, I wanna chop off my feet, feet.
• Huge ass
• I pee all day
• I feel like I am over heating all the time, bring back winter.
• I struggle to get up and down from anything.
• I fit basically nothing in my wardrobe, I have no idea what I'm going to wear.
• My gums bleed so much when I brush my teeth
• Morning sickness + bleeding gums = disaster 
• I have already bought bra's one size up, now I need more.
• Shopping sucks
• When you praying it to be over, you realise you have another 10 and a half weeks.

Last Trimester

Controversy

The last time I checked we were living in the 21st Century. Sex, drugs and Rock n Roll are normal, you allowed to be gay except for the few narrow minded fools out there. The colour of your skin doesn't matter or at least shouldn't matter, once again a few narrow minded fools. Woman can vote, woman can work, woman can choose to marry or not, to bear children or not. Once again freely despite a few narrow minded fools.

Now I'm not talking about the few narrow minded fools, they don't qualify in my life to be written about, I am talking about the rest of us. Who I know are open minded, forgiving humans and understanding people. The people I know for sure are pretty okay with most of the above things I mentioned or at least they say they are until it slaps them in the face.

Over the last 7 months I have come to be utterly shocked in peoples disgust and disapproval in falling pregnant outside of marriage. Some close to me, as close as family, a few in the church, not to surprised there, friends and strangers who stare at my belly and seeing I'm young instinctively look at my left index finger for the ring and then shake there head when they see none.

Now everybody has a right to there own opinion, fair enough, or I'd probably be shut down, but here is my thing. If you are racist you normally racist behind the person's back (besides those fools), in the car or whispers to a friend. Same goes with homosexuality  and woman's rights and all other controversy to "normal society" rules.

How is it okay to make us woman who fell pregnant, oh and by the way we don't actually make this happen on our own, feel like tramps, ban from certain things and opportunities and already decide we are bad examples for children and are expected to be bad mothers and have delinquents as children.

I am rebellious by nature, I enjoy being rebellious, I have a problem with authority and rules are meant to be broken, never give me a uniform I will alter it and if I make you uncomfortable chances are I'll want to see how far I can push you. I have always been the center of controversy even when I'm not trying however I never expected this kind of treatment just from being knocked-up without a man by my side.

Here's why. Yes it's not great to have multiple sexual partners, believe it or not I was raised with high morals and values and I actually only wanted to be with one, it's not my fault men are generally assholes and that one loved drugs more than me. But honestly who the hell are still virgins by say, 20, and if you are that's really great but it's a very small number.

Now if we have all had sex and we all know if you actually wait for your wedding night that night is going to be really bad sex because you going to have no idea what to do. We all know the risks involved, we all know it's pretty much all guys want, we know about STD's and we know it makes baby's.

So why the big hoo-haa about me not being with the daddy, and why don't you go stare him down, he's the one who walked the fuck out. I could of had an abortion, would that have made everybody feel better but I bet when they find out you have had an abortion, then well once again you are pure evil for having sex and falling pregnant.

These are the things said to me when people find out I'm pregnant or they see I'm pregnant -

• Congratulations!!!
• And the Daddy? (Trying the polite way of saying are you still with the father or have you just screwed up another childs life)
• What surname is he going to have? (My worst question ever)
• Do you still live with your parents? (because you can't possibly be a normal, functioning adult and they hoping your parents are going to raise your child you have to be screwing up) 

Then there are the few that are nice to your face and make waves behind your back. The people who add in a sly comment on divided homes and the damage this cause's children. The people who don't say anything, not even congratulations because it makes them to uncomfortable.

Guess what though, I love my son and I will give him the best life I possibly can and enough love for a hundred parents and normal families. We not a normal family but we will be an amazing one and knowing my child he wouldn't want to be normal anyways.

Aiden