Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Where do fairy-tales begin

As a little girl you dream of Prince Charming, you dream of your white dress, your little house with a picket fence or electric fencing and laser beams, you dream of a puppy or a little pink pig, you dream of having 2 children, you dream of happy Christmas mornings and family Easter egg hunts, you dream of picnic's and soccer games, you dream of the fairy-tale.

You don't dream of falling pregnant, abortion discussions, runaway dads, lonely pregnancy and being a single mom. You don't dream of the battle of bringing in two salaries, constant fear of more rejection and you sure as hell don't dream of having to fight for an innocent little person who you love more than life itself, you don't dream of being scared of loosing your child, you don't dream of the threats of having your baby taken away from you, you don't dream of custody battles, it's not only not a dream, it's not even a possibility, something so unnatural to a woman, to a mother, to a little girl, is unfathomable.

Yet here I sit in my worst nightmare, my stomach is in constant knots, my brain won't turn off for a second, my anxiety levels have sky rocketed and my heart feels like it is constantly in a state of heart break. It's only the beginning and I am already having to dig deep down to find the strength to fight this, finding the emotional stability not to loose it and wanting nothing more than to wake up and for this all to be over.

Monday, March 18, 2013

I would have another baby for this

When Aiden was born one of my pet peeves was bottles, making them, constantly cleaning hundreds of them, sterilizing them, scooping at 2am, dropping tins of formula on my toes and loosing half the product at 4am, carrying an over night bag just to go to Spur because you need a whole scientific kit to make a babies bottle. 

I went to a launch last week, definitely a one of the best I've been to so far, it was all fancy schmancy and it was fun being treated like we mattered for a while before we had to go home to dirty diapers and bottle making.

Basically Aspen is launching a new miracle in a mothers life, a Ready-to-feed formula, yip you read right, it's made for you, in individual 200ml servings, it's genius, I would seriously have another baby just so I could try it out and feel the convenience of not trying to count scoops at 1am.

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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Damage that is Done

I have had my heart broken on numerous occasions, I have lost true love and have given up countless years but nothing has quite damaged my heart and faith in men as having the father of my child abandon us.

It doesn't feel like heart break, it never really did, we weren't going out for long enough for it to really be love but it hurt like no other pain, it was the ultimate betrayal and it took me a while to be ready to move on.

And only now that I have moved on have I realised the damage that has been done. The way in which my trust has been broken, the way in which my soul has been beaten.

I have irrational daily fears, fears that one shouldn't have because in a normal world real people and real men do not do those things.

They don't just up and leave with no word, it’s normally a build-up and there's a discussion yet here I sit and worry if I'll ever see him again.

Normal people don't send a text saying "enjoy your decision" and then that’s it, so why when I hear my phone going off do I not get excited that it might be a 'melt my heart' text instead  my heart sinks thinking it’s the final word.

Real men love and adore their children not walk away so why when this one tells me he truly cares for my son do I second guess that for another truth that only lies in my head.

Forever scares me or maybe I just can't see it anymore even though it's what I really desire. My stomach drops every time the word love leaves my lips for the fear of rejection still feels so close.

I try hard to explain to people why I took it so hard, why I am still so angry but I can't quite put it into words and mostly because the pain isn't mine, the pain I carry is that of my child, the pain I know he will feel, I carry that in my heart and will every day until forever, and that's a forever I do understand.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Something's Monday after all!


1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?


1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.


1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.


1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.


1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his pocket money.

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children. . . Or everyone who KNOWS someone
who has had children .
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GOD's reward for allowing your children to live!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Things you should never say to a single mom

I often avoid talking about my situation by all costs because people are bound to say every sentence that makes me sick to my stomach and if not nauseous, it either hurts or leaves me feeling inadequate. Maybe lots are meant with good intentions but I am baffled that so many people don't think before they speak.

1. Where's the dad? Does he pay? Is he involved?
It's always first on the list, it's often six quick questions in succession that people expect you to explain not thinking this might be a touchy subject or something that's personal that I don't feel like explaining to every stranger I meet. In time I will tell people about it but in general, no I don't want to talk about it, he's an ass, who cares where he is.

2. I don't know how you do it? (with a look of utter pity on your face)
I do it just like you do it, now if you said this without the pity face it probably wouldn't irritate me so much because I don't need pity, I need HELP people.

3. You look so exhausted, it's because you alone/it's because you never get 'you' time.
This is probably something you shouldn't tell any mother, we know we look tired but reminding me I'm alone is just plan mean and don't tell me I need 'me' time, offer to babysit.

4. Don't worry you will find somebody to love you again?
This baffles me, I mean really, I'm a mother not a leper, I have a kid not a demonic plague.

5. My partner/husband works late/travels a lot, I know how you feel?
5.5 My partner/husband doesn't help much, I'm basically a single mom.
5.6 There's no difference between a single mom and married mom.
No, no you don't and no you not. One nappy change, one bottle made and one pee alone that your man gives you, is one more than a single mom ever gets. Doing it alone every day, all day, without a minute of someone helping you cannot be compared to a day your husband worked late or a few days he went away for travel. Oh and it has a lot more to do with emotional support and sharing an experience than the physical aspects.

6. Men that rape and beat woman are products of a single-mom home!
What the actual f*ck, I'm not even going to sit and explain why this shouldn't be said because if you don't get it then I would actually prefer it if you just don't talk to me all together.

7. Why didn't you get an abortion?
Another one that I just don't get, especially when people say it in front of my beautiful boy.

8. Did you not think of adoption?
Don't you think I'm doing a good job.

9. If more woman fought for maintenance less men would leave/it would make a difference/they shouldn't complain if the don't fight.
Honestly if you haven't been in the situation you have absolutely no idea the war we fight on the inside every day wondering what is the right decision for our child. We can complain because a human being shouldn't abandon their child, it won't make a difference because men leave the responsibility and it is rather easy to work your way around maintenance court and because some of us are not ready just yet to start yet another war in our lives.

10. I feel so sorry for your child.
Don't, he's fine, he will be fine, he has a loving family, I'm a good mom.