Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Gotta do this

I found this awesome Blog through the amazing Natasha, author of Raising Men. It just made me smile from ear to ear. It's just colour and craziness and pure happiness - Color Me Katie.

I love taking photo's, I'm one of those happy snappers and this blog post from Color Me Katie made me laugh so hard and brought me such joy that it's my next little project. It's called Planking, take a look - http://colormekatie.blogspot.com/2011/06/planking.html

I thought of no one

Just tell me what to do

It all happened so quickly, it's all happening so quickly, sometimes I just want to stop and breath but then that also happens so quickly. It feels like my life is over, this is it, forever. I can no longer be a care free girl in her twenty's. Don't stress I haven't fallen into a black whole of nothingness again, I'm actually quite content with my life but I think that's only because I'm only focusing on one day at a time and every now and then I realise I have so many decisions to make all at once and I have always chosen the wrong decision so now I doubt everyone I think is the right one. So I'm going around and around in circles.

Darell and I are on good terms again, thank goodness because this actually makes my life a hundred times easier and less stressful. We speak on a daily basis and I guess together we are excited about our son because sometimes it's hard to be excited with everybody else because they all have so many opinions about the situation where Darell and I can talk about the fun stuff and laugh about the stupid stuff we have done to get us into this mess in the first place. Him and his lady aren't working out, a thank God moment, as I would never actually let my kid near the woman and so it would most likely end in court if they stay together, this however effects my extreme soft spot for bad boys and I actually feel sorry for the bastard and every now and then I contemplate taking him back. This is one of the decisions that keep going around and around in my head. I know what you all saying, "DON'T do it" "DON'T be stupid" and I know this to be true but I always see the best in the worst of men as proof of this, when I was 16 I dated a drug dealer and my love of 5 years turned into a crack head and I forgave him a thousand and one time's before moving on.

Then there's a question, can a guy actually want to be with me while I'm pregnant with another man's child. It doesn't seem logical to me but I think it's actually happened, now ofcourse it's a good guy, one of those guys who would actually wait for you to be ready and when I say wait I mean fully wait for me, no in between nookie or anything. but I just feel it wouldn't be fair to anybody, I don't even think the situation is fair on me, never mind making someone else be a part of it and chances are, I'll break the good guys heart I always do just so I can get my heart broken by the bad boys habits.

You see I already know what the right decision is, I know which one would be best for me and I know which one you all think I should make but I still can't seem to make these decisions, because my head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me two things and I always say what if this bad boy can actually change. I'm hopeless aren't I.

Monday, June 27, 2011

AGAIN....I can't believe it!!!

I just got another award!!! I can't actually believe it, I didn't really expect so many people to read my blog and keep coming back for more. I'm truly honoured. Thank-you to Tan 32.

1.) Winners- Put the above image in your blog.
2.) Include a link back to the person who gave it to you.
3.) Tell 10 things about yourself
4.) Award 15 other bloggers
5.)Contact the bloggers you awarded and let them know they won

10 Things about me
  1. I'm really stubborn and opinionated
  2. I love to read
  3. My sister is my best friend
  4. I'm a natural blonde
  5. I watch every crime show on tv - from Law & Order to CSI to NCIS
  6. I make the best coffee but terrible tea
  7. I have a soft spot for bad boys
  8. I make decisions even when I know they the wrong ones just because it sounds like more fun
  9. I am tone deaf
  10. I'm scared of the dark
Award 15 Bloggers

This is hard as I don't read that many blogs, I love the blogs I read and I'm a dedicated fan to those and they get me through most days, so here's to all those I love - again!

Growing Piles

Now I know I'm supposed to wait till the baby shower especially seeing as my guest list is already on 100 but I can't help it and a lot of these things I didn't get. My mom has already started a library and I have bought diapers, not that I know what I'm buying and a toy train and clothes lots and lots of clothes.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Rough Draft of the Nursery

My lovely mother is creating this master piece with my ever changing mind and stubborn opinions, I will pick up a paint brush but I will already give my mom all the credit.

The wording on the one wall is "Oh, all the places you will go" from a Dr Seuss book.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Too many choices...

Being a mom

I never dreamed of being a mom, some woman do, my sister just wants to have babies I don't even think she cares about finding a husband, she has always wanted babies. Some woman are born mothers, some woman believe it's our purpose like my best friend, some woman don't stress about it and just know it will all come naturally and it does for them. Because I never dreamed about it and never really wanted it, I haven't really ever thought about what it is to be a mom.

Now I know I'm going to love my child so much it hurts, I already do. I also know, as shitty as this situation is I'm not going to want to go back and change it and I know at some point I'll realise this was all worth it and that's great but I still don't quite know what it means to be a mom and a good one at that. I guess there is no right or wrong way and all mothers do the best they can and they instill the morals and values they were brought up with into there kids. All mothers are different, thank God else we would all be boring lemmings and we would never feel good about ourselves because at some point you'll think well at least I do that part of mothering better than her.

I have an amazing mother, she doesn't think so and no matter how many times we tell her this she still thinks she has done it all wrong. Granted her 2 oldest, my brother and I, are wild ones and have made the stupidest decisions and have lived rather crazy lives for our young ages but my sister is 17 and has made it 17 without touching a smoke, can count on one hand the amount of times she had to much to drink, won't go near weed even when offered by us and the thought of drugs makes her so angry. She's still in school and sex equals baby now so we have that covered. Even with mine and my brothers antics we turned out to be amazing people if I say so myself and wouldn't swop any part of my childhood for anything. My mother loved unconditionally, she fed and clothed us, worked hard to make sure we got the best education and tried to give us all the extra activities we could afford. She threw the best birthday parties and didn't moan much about our messy rooms and she was there no matter what we did wrong time and time again.

We didn't have many rules growing up and expressing our selves was who we are, we either did our homework or we didn't, we slept at friends when we wanted and were always allowed to have people over. Our discipline, or at least how I see it now, is knowing right from wrong, which we all do. All three of us are loyal people, we honest and generous and we love with everything we have. We are non-judgmental, stealing isn't a question and lies are kept to little white lies to safe the feeling of those we love the most. We are good people, with good hearts and it shows.

Now I think my mom got this spot on, I don't regret any of my bad choices, I know it sounds cliche', but I had fun doing all of them, learnt a great deal from every fuck-up and from it have become who I am. Now under no circumstances will I allow my child to get away with the things I did, simply because it's harder and it makes getting what you want in life harder. My son will finish school in school, if he gets kicked out I'll put him in another one, home schooling isn't an option. He'll play sports because it's healthy and teaches discipline that I know I won't be able to give him because I'm a free spirit and I hate boxes and rules. He'll love music all music, I love that, I got it from my dad, I love old music and new music, my brother loves punk and rock which I've partied to mostly, my sister is a pop princess, my mom bops around to the Bee Gee's and Kate Bush. So music is a must and art as well. He must know a Van Gogh from a Picasso (yes there are people who don't). Racism is not allowed and he must know about all cultures and seeing as he'll be living in what looks like a library, reading is essential, I don't care if it's flimsy writing for the soul who loves easy reading as long as he can take information in that doesn't come in the form of tv and a computer screen and not a kindle either, a book with pages and that smells like new or old.

These are the things I want him to know and do, to love and cherish, these are the things I gained from my childhood, besides the discipline and schooling system, but all that said, I still don't know what it is to be a mom. I still can't comprehend how I am going to do this in a few months. I'm not ready, not by a long shot and chances are, I'm not going to get this right by most people's standards. I am going to try though.  

Monday, June 20, 2011

Seems over night

My growing belly

My sister showing me how it's done.

I missed you all

Took a little break from everything last week, and to my surprise I missed you all, granted I don't know who all of you are and maybe there isn't really anyone but I did none the less and I'm back. Had quite a crazy and scary week but also a good one, coz really thought about things with all my free time.

Where to start, where to start, well I'm having a boy as you all know already. It was such a perfect moment, I cried tears of joy and for that moment I felt like everything was going to be alright. I was on a happiness high for the rest of the day. At the scan they picked up an infection and we did so many blood tests (needle phobia) and was told to take TLC for the weekend. Now for me when a doc says TLC i think I can still do everything I was planning on doing but just take it easy while doing it. Not really the case. Monday morning I woke up feeling half dead and in so much pain. I called and was told to get into bed and stay there this time till my anti biotics was completed. Even if I didn't want to, my bed was all that my body wanted. I was so worried and scared but at the same time to sick to really think about it. By Wednesday I was still flat out so called the doctors office again and this time my blood results were in. Pregnancy diabetes, honestly how many pregnancy symptoms do I have to deal with, Hyperglicemia, low blood sugar levels. You gotta love it, it will go away after my pregnancy, but till then this is how I'm going to feel and to keep it short that would be like complete shit. I have to eat every 2-3 hours and always have sweets in my handbag and try not faint. So there's a new rule if you out with me and I randomly sit on the floor you all have to join in and make snow angels no matter where we are.

I felt Peanut move, and now he won't stop. He loves to bath and loves the music at church, goes crazy when I eat A LOT and kicks me when I try and bend. He's growing over night and I officially look like a pregnant woman and I am feeling my most unattractive. It's actually become quite humorous, guys always look but now they look and then the look down and then they get all shy and start bobbing there heads around not knowing what to do. All I want to do is shout, yeah, one of you did this, one of you looked at me that exact way and 2 months later I was like this.

Peanut will be known as Peanut till further notice, we have chosen a name but we aren't telling anyone because there are just to many opinions. We both sent lists of names we liked and funny enough the name we both loved the most was on each others list so it wasn't that hard. Second name is in honour of someone and the name is in both our family's so again not so hard. The surname however, has become my latest stress. I've heard everyone say Darell doesn't deserve to get his surname but is that what's best for my son or is that because everybody wants to punish Darell. One day I'm gonna get married, then my name changes then my son won't have my surname or his fathers, that doesn't seem right. Darell left but he came back in a month just like I knew he would and has been at every scan and paid his way, yes he's been an ass in between but trust me I can be a bitch. I know with all my heart he's going to be there for his son, if nothing else he is a great father and he's kids are his world. I told him if I do decide to make him a Smith there will be legal documents deleting those few extra rights everybody says he will get and my surname will still be in the name just not last. One day I'm decided the next day I am not. I really need to find out how I can go about finding out my rights, I don't care about surnames all I want is to make sure he can't take away my son and I also want to know what age do I have to start letting him take him over night or at all for that matter. Anybody know?

Saturday, June 11, 2011

A hundred ways

I've been thinking about how I'm going to write this post, try make it exciting and make you wait as long as possible before I give you the answer your looking for. I guess there are a hundred ways I could do this but I'll put you out of you misery.....

.........IT'S A BOY!!!!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Who me... Yes you!

The last time I won something was when I was about 16, I won the letter of the month in 17 Magazine, by the time I got to buy the magazine it was already the next month so I never got to see myself published and with it I won a pair of shoe's which I never received because we all know how wonderful South Africa's postal system is.

Today Natasha author of Raising men a blog I check daily awarded me two awards.

Bless her soul, she made my day, my week maybe even my month. I'm new to the blogging world and my writing I feel is at a high school pupils level, I feel anyways, so it's a great feeling that somebody appreciates my posts and finds my life interesting enough to read.

Rules of Acceptance:

1. Choose five (or more) other people who deserve this award and pass it on.
2. Tell 7 facts about yourself.
3. Let the people you gave the award to know.
4. Thank the person who gave you the award.

1. Choose 5 other bloggers

I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to award the person who awarded me but I feel she deserves to be awarded twice as her blog always puts a smile on my face and makes me look forward to raising my baby. So here's another shout out to Natasha.

This is one of the first blogs I started ready and I've been laughing ever since. It's real, it's raw and it's honest and of course she always has the kindest words and encouragement when she comments on my posts.

I know she's been awarded already but the number of blogs I read are limited and it's another blog I check daily. Someday I hope I can be half the mother she is and tackle life as strong as she does and then I would be proud.

This wonderful woman must have the cutest little girl you have ever laid eyes on and her life always sounds  as crazy and unpredictable as mine. Her blog makes me feel safe and gives hope.

My friend in Cape town, who has a beautiful boy and she fills her blog with the cutest pictures of him and there adventures. She just needs to post more!!!

2. Tell 7 facts about yourself

Fact 1: I don't like my food touching or mixed food. I love those plates with the dividers, and I won't eat my pumpkin if you pour gravy on it. I hate fruit in any cooked food and never offer me stew I will turn my nose up even if it's rude.

Fact 2: I have to much clothes, I can't even deny it anymore, I have 3 double cupboards full, unpacked black bags full and some still in boxes that I don't even remember what they are. I hardly wear any of it and I'll never give any away and I just keep buying.

Fact 3: I love tea, it's a family trait, we don't have braai's and beer at family gatherings we have afternoon tea and cake.

Fact 4: Most of the time I just don't answer the phone, I just let it ring. Not because I don't like the person calling sometimes it's my best friend. I just hate speaking on the phone. Sms me, then we'll go for coffee.

Fact 5: My spelling and grammar is horrendous, it never used to be I loved English and was an A+ student but somewhere along the line it just left my brain. It's not my fault though, these things just happen, you know.

Fact 6: I'm so quiet at times if you don't know me you would think I was a mute.

Fact 7: I don't like people touching me, I don't know why, some people are fine but in general I'm not a very affectionate person. The only way you'll ever hug me is if you do it first.

3. Let the people you gave the award to know.

I really do not know how I am supposed to do this, there's no tag button in the blog world.

4. Thank the person who gave you the award.

Thank you so much Natasha, again. You one of the rays of sunshine on my gloomy days.


One more SLEEP!

Tomorrow is the big day, I don't think I'll ever be this excited for anything ever again, I think even my wedding day will feel so mediocre to what I'm feeling right now. I think that's why you supposed to do these things in a traditional fashion and do the wedding first but oh well since when did I ever do anything in my life conventionally.

At the moment I'm quite enjoying being pregnant, lets not get to ecstatic now, it's still not the most fun I've ever had and it's no walk in the park, but the morning sickness is completely gone and I have tons of unexplained energy (which is a new feeling for me as I have arthritis and struggle with chronic fatigue)  thanks to the fortune I spent on skin care I've finally cleared up and so far, touch wood, the only thing thats grown in size is my belly.

I think now between my dark days you'll be happy to come visit me and finally get some cute and fluffy as from Saturday morning the nursery of every kid's (lets face it it's more for us) dream. The one wall will be a huge mural, a jungle for a boy and fairy land for a girl. The hunt for furniture will begin, I don't care if I never use the wooden cot, I'm getting one. I'm also starting to create a baby blanket of note, I'm getting everybody to write Peanut a message and I'm going to print it on individual squares and sew it all together. At the moment it looks like it's going to turn into a queen size duvet, probably a king size though.

Even though I'm so excited and for the most part happy, tomorrow isn't going o be all sunshine, Darell and I haven't spoken in 3 weeks and the last time we did the words were harsh to say the least. It's going to be awkward and disappointing that I have to share this moment with somebody who, lets face it, really doesn't give a shit about me. There's the other thing that he is the kind of person who will bring the wonderful Natalie with just to proof to me he is the man and he is in control. I know I shouldn't let him get to me but in the moment I'm sure it will and the last scan I ended up crying for hours.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I better learn how a washing machine works

Life is what you make of it

Normally when life throws me lemons I make a double vodka and lemonade, with this batch of lemons I stupidly chose to eat them just the way they are. I started bringing some of my unpacked boxes home and my mom said finally its already June and it hit me. I've been back home for 6 months already and I've accomplished nothing except self-pity and have been wallowing in my own problems and have been oblivious to those around me.

I have been a bad friend, daughter, sister and employee. I have forgotten who I am and what I have always strived to be. I thought I disappointed people when I came home pregnant but I think I've disappointed more by how I have handled it. I became the woman I always promised I would never become. I let my situation control my life instead of just controlling the situation. I can't run from it and there is no hiding so I have no idea what I was trying to achieve.

I turned down peoples encouragement and kind words. I stopped talking and replying to the people who cared enough to reach out and blocked myself from a world that I should be extremely lucky to have. My best friend just had a baby 3 weeks ago, she's married and has a mortgage and was excited about her baby from the beginning and even doing it the right way she is struggling and does all the child care basically and I realised how lucky I truly am. I'm in a house of 7 people, my mom who has had 3 kids, my gran who has had 5, my maid who has had 4 and a sister who is amazing with babies. All of them so excited for my baby and ready to help out in every way possible so when I need an hour just to have a bath and shave my legs it's probably more possible for me than a normal married woman.

I work for my dad, who has given me everything I have ever wanted and have all the opportunities to still make my dreams come true. I can do a label if I want, I can do full time graphic design if that's what I choose, I can do the online marketing or start my own promotions company. actually I could do it all if I just got off my ass and started doing it. There's no one stopping me except myself, they have offered this and more. He's even allowed me to work half day with the same salary just so I'll smile a little bit more. This is my future, my child's future and I've taken it for granted, I've been watching our family company slowly crumble because of bad economy instead of pulling up my socks and giving it my all and turning it into a business I will one day own.

I forgot along the way that only you can make you happy, and only you can make your dreams come true, you choose the people in your life and you choose to make your life full and worth while. Life is full of up's and down's, if it's not one challenge it's another, that's just the way it goes. I've chosen misery and let go of my dreams, I let the people who don't matter and don't care control me and I decided what I got in life I didn't want even when there was no other choice. I can't do it anymore, because if I do soon it will be to late to pick up the pieces and now I don't just have myself to explain to.

Monday, June 6, 2011

You reading me wrong

This isn't directed at anybody in particular, just like the rest of my blog, I guess I just feel I need to explain myself seeing as a quite a few have told me this week to stop playing victim. Now before you all start getting upset and start calling and smsing, I'm not in attack mode, bitch mode, I'm not even emotional. I'm calm and collected as I write this and I know you all are coming from a place of love and worry.

Let's begin with my blog as it's the main source for information in my life for most as in person I'm walled in and rarely speak about my emotions and problems. When I started this blog it was anonymous and only available to a few of my closest friends and family, it was the only way I could release in my crazy upside down world, it was basically an online journal into my heart that I was sharing with those who cared or were interested enough to read it. It's my free therapist, my world to release my anger and sorrow and I do remember warning everybody about the fact that it won't be cute and fluffy for a while. If you ever found my journals growing up and had the joy of reading them, you wouldn't find my good days and fondest memories, you would find my worst days and saddest self. I guess falling into this trap of only finding inspiration to write when I'm in my worst emotional state and my darkest days has led everybody to believe I'm this somber, miserable and self-pitying brat. Let's face it I am funnier in this state of mind and my sarcasm is at it's best but I know understand that that's all you have been seeing and why I've been bom barded with worried siblings, kind friends and even people who are practically strangers telling me to wake up and find some roses to smell.

So today I'm going to let you in on a few of those roses and hopefully your perceptions of me will soften. The last 4 weeks I have been training with my mom doing type setting and graphic design. You see it is amazing money and I actually enjoy doing it. My plan is to become good enough to bring in my own clientelle so by next year this time I will be completely self employed and working from home, also it will be the capital for my kid's label I am starting to design. Now when I found out I was pregnant I went into such a dark whole I was walking around like a zombie and my dad was pretty much paying me for being on the net all day so this is a great stride in waking up and sorting my head out.

Dwelling on the fact that all the men I choose are complete assholes has also changed because 90% of my friends are male and they have all been amazing during this time and are so excited for my baby. I've let go of Darell and have forgiven him for myself mostly but also because my child will love him unconditionally and I don't want to be the cause of any pain towards my child. With this came the peace that if he is there then that's great but if he isn't then that's also fine, just like the fact that he hasn't called in 3 weeks to find out if I'm still alive but wants to come to the scan on Friday, not saying I'll never bitch about him again but I've taken away the power of him being able to hurt me.

Peanut, I love with all my heart already and I can't wait to find out what the little monster is on Friday so I can start creating the dream nursery and really start pre-paring for his arrival. I am excited and in no way do I wish him gone. Although I'm scared out of my mind and not ready to raise a child, I have accepted it and I am ready to alter my life to give him the best life I possible can.

Along with all this, being completely sober and off the party scene for 4 months has really helped me find myself again, find my family and the friends who mean the most and who I actually want and need in my life. I go to church every Sunday and funny enough these are the people who have accepted my situation the most and have judged me the least. I'm a youth leader on Fridays and helping guide young teens from keeping far away from the paths I chose in life makes all my mistakes worthwhile. I've even gone as far as forgiving my ex before Darell who I was with for 5 years and ended really badly and we are friends again and it's an amazing feeling because no matter what he did, he knows me better than most and he knows exactly how I'm feeling and why I'm taking all of this so hard.

So you see, I know most of my posts are gloom and doom and I can see why most think I'm a selfish, ungrateful bigit but I am sorting myself out one step at a time and I am excited about the life growing inside me. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm just making my way through the tunnel and some parts of it are really dark and twisted. So please bare with me and my jaded writings. I'm doing the best I can.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I'm sorry for not being an excited mother

It must sound like I moan all the time and I'm just one of those whiny people who complain about my awful share in life and that I'm an ungrateful bitch for not being a ray of God damn sunshine and a bubble of excitement for my expecting child. Here are the things that really irritate the shit out of me when people tell me to keep my chin up and get off my high horse, these are the examples they use.

1. You not the only woman in this situation there are thousands of single moms out there that have been deserted by there man.

This must be the most common one and I've heard it a hundred times. Do people think I do not know this, I personally know a lot of "single mothers," I actually do live in the same world as the rest of you. But here's the thing - just because they've all been through this, just because I've watched some of them personally go through it and just because another hundred woman will go through it after me, DOESN'T make it any easier for me Because I'm not them, I'm going through it now and not every situation is the same and not everybody's feelings and how they deal with things are the same. Oh and I don't like this "single mom" label, am I less of a mom because I'm single, will my child have less of a childhood, because I don't have a man by my side am I only half woman and mother. I am not strong because I'm becoming a "single-mother" I'm strong because I'm becoming a MOTHER, just like every other mother in the world. We all have obstacles and trials, we all have good and bad, we all strong because how can you not be after being blady pregnant for 9 months!

2. It's a miracle of life growing inside you

Another, how can you possibly think I don't know this, comment. I know it's growing inside of me, it's sucked everything good right out of me and deep down I know it is a miracle, I do actually love my baby, even if it's hard to see that at times but it was also a mistake that has taken my entire life away from me and guess what I actually also know it was my mistake, nobody else's, so no need to remind me, I don't blame my upbringing, or the baby's father, shit I don't even blame my precious baby, I blame myself. Sometimes I really don't know how I could be so stupid but I was and I'm dealing with it the best way I know how - which the scary fact is I DON'T KNOW HOW.

3. Well it's your fault for getting drunk and having unprotected sex

This touches on the last statement a bit - Um OBVIOUSLY!!! Like you've never done it, you were either smart enough to by the morning-after pill or just lucky enough not to have fell pregnant or maybe your man wasn't as blady fertile as mine. Either way, I know it's my fault and maybe when you remind of this fact take the underlying tone that I'm a complete slut out of your voice, you've had sex to!

4. It's part of God's plan

I grew up in a Christian home, and I am a Christian believe it or not and I am a very faithful person. This is why I know this statement can't possibly be correct. Somehow I don't see God planning for me to have drunken, unprotected sex with a guy of 2 months who I didn't even once tell I loved him, then to fall pregnant so the ass could leave me, so I could give birth to a child and bring him into a broken family from day 1. This doesn't make sense and if they are right. Then sorry to say God has a very sick sense of humour.

5. It's obviously meant to be

There is no fate and meant to be's, you make decisions and the are consequences for your decisions. I had sex and a baby was made. It wasn't magic or God or some outer universe star sequence it was simple biology.

People seem to think telling me this shit, especially on my bad days, is I dunno, going to make me feel better or all of a sudden go "ooooooh" and "aaaaaah" at baby things and the thought of being a mom is going to bring some inner peace and my world will just fall into place. They unfortuantly wrong, it just drives me mad and makes me think how naive can people be, yes I'm going to love my child, and I'll probably enjoy being a mother and I'll make it work but it doesn't mean that this is a good thing for me, the baby or the people around me. It's hard now and it's just going to get harder when the baby is out. A baby is only cute till it has a shitty diaper or vomits in your hair, right.