Thursday, April 28, 2011

What it's taught me so far

Next week I'll be 12 weeks pregnant, thank goodness, it felt like the first trimester will never end and i'm praying, praying so hard I'm not one of those woman who are sick throughout there pregnancy. Well besides from nausea, deadly fatigue and itchy fucking boobs the last 3 months have taught me quite a lot about my life and how I choose to and how I have chosen to live it and how pregnancy changes not only you but all the people around you to.

Firstly friends, it's like I was diagnosed with AIDS or something, a deadly disease that they might catch if they hang out with me like we always have for years. I understand I cant drink and smoke but hey why not look at it as you have a friggin designated driver for the next 7 months. I do still enjoy the same things I did before and honestly if you cant have fun not getting wasted for one night to spend time with someone you apparently loved being with not more than 3 months ago then I think you the one with the disease, not me. This aggravates me as I have friends from all walks of life and have always been accommodating to how there's is lived, not because I feel sorry for them or do it out of guilt but simply because they are my friends and I enjoy being with them not matter what state of sobriety we in.

Still on the "friends" topic, I recently lived in Cape Town for a year and a bit and made really amazing friends in this short space in time and I find it so odd, that these friends that I've known for a tiny bit in my life are more supportive and caring than my wonderful friends in Joburg who I have known for years and years. This including my party animal friends who are begging for me to come spend a weekend with them, pregnant and all. So I've realised in a few years when I'm stable and a semi-decent mother, I will move back to Cape Town and force my amazing family with me.

Family, what would I do without them, seriously they should get an award for being so patient and understanding coz I have been a complete bitch the last few months. They all trying so hard to curb there excitement and happiness of the baby because I'm a stubborn cow who really does love her unborn child but just can't seem to say it out loud because that would be accepting that I made the worlds biggest fuck-up and completely destroyed my life in one stupid night and that in 7 months time I am going to be a mother and I might actually enjoy it.

Then there is the ass... he's now decided to be a part of the baby's life which is what I wanted but now I have realised I have to share my child with an asshole who can't even find it in him to apologize for being an absolute dick. Whats worse is I want to be able to forgive this ass for what he's done and maybe even save our very short relationship we had. Now this I cant understand, as I am an intelligent, independent woman who always vowed never to be treated like I've watched so many woman do. Especially seeing a year ago I left the love of my life of 5 years because he liked drugs more than he loved me and yet I'm willing to look over the fact that this man left me because I wouldn't murder my child, our child and we were only together for a measly 3 months, I don't even love him. He far from deserves me and even though he's taken responsibility he's still being an ASS.

And finally... I've realised I can't bury myself in this hole any longer, not just for my sake but the sake of the people who care and for my baby who is coming in 6 months time. I need to find a way to accept this, get happy about it, inside and out, get my shit together with my designing and career, find some decent friends, maybe a few more with baby's and force a smile on my depressing face because at the moment I don't even want to be around me.


  1. I have a pregnancy book for you. It's called "The countdown" or something. It's so awesome.. it's real.. not like other books that are like "You feel amazing and beautiful".. it's like "You hate your life and want to throw yourself down a flight of stairs". Where in Joburg are you? I'm in Bryanston. Come hang out whenever you want. If not, you MUST send me your postal address so I can get this book to you.
    Dude, I don't have like any real friends that don't have kids. You will grow apart, it's how it is. Don't stress about it.
    And the dude.. try be nice, despite his faults. As much as you hate him, you will need him, often. And he's going to be in your lives for the rest of your life, so keep your side clean.
    I want to meet up, but send me your address either way!

  2. Congrats on your pregnancy even if it doesn't seem like it's come at the right time, things have a way of working themselves out for the best. I fell pregnant at 24 and I remember crying that horrible cry and absolutely hating the first trimester...the constant morning sickness and not being able to eat what I wanted to eat, drink what I wanted to drink, smoke, party etc. It's been eight years and looking back everything happened just the way they were meant to happen and I wouldn't change a thing. You'll get through this xoxox

    I also chat on a mom / baby forum and I've met some awesome friends through it ~ the site is if you want to go check it out or if you need support. They are a fantastic bunch of girls!

  3. @ Tash, hi there, I remember you from little Dylan's birthday party in Cape Town, I'm all the way in Alberton but we must defiantly meet up sometime, I'll find you on Claire's facebook page and send you my number and things. I know I'm going to need the man and I want a father for my baby and I have bitten my tongue and we are getting along considering his actions and the situation.

    @rememberwhenwewereyoung, as much as I don't want this my love for my baby is already indescribable and the bigger my belly grows the more excited I get. Will check out that website. Thanks for the words of encouragement.