Friday, February 8, 2013

Finding the right words

I have so many half written posts saved up in my drafts, in my journals, in my little note books lying around. They all about something different but in the end boil down to the same sad truth. I'm trying not to come across as sounding angry or bitter, hurt or sad, happy and revengeful, I'm just trying to write it as it is but in a way that when and if Aiden ever reads any of this he is not hurt by it and will understand my choices.

I'm not quite sure when woman raising children completely on their own became so normal, not sure where it became a normal conversation to have when your answer is, "Oh, he bailed when I said pregnant." I'm not sure when men were raised and made to feel this is okay, it's just your flesh and blood, it's okay to walk away, it's okay to hurt an innocent child just because you are selfish and a fool.

I was once told my by sperm donor that he knows I'm strong enough to do it on my own, he knows I earn enough money to pay for my child on my own and he knows I have a great family who will give me the support I need, fair enough, I can raise a child on my own, I have proven it so far but that doesn't make what he has done right.

I sit and I see so many woman in the same position but a lot not as lucky as me and I sit and watch the struggle, I hear the tears and I see the exhaustion and the desperation for a helping hand.

I sit and wonder what I will tell Aiden one day, how do I explain it, how do I make him know it wasn't his fault, how do I make him believe it's not because he is any less worthy than the next person. Right now all I can say is, my love...

It's not okay!

It's not okay that your father isn't around.
It's not okay that he doesn't help financially.
It's not okay that he's not there at night to chase away monsters.
It's not okay that he's never heard any of your first words.
It's not okay that he hasn't seen you run and kick a ball.
It's not okay that he's not at the doctors or helping the sleepless nights.
It's not okay that you don't know his face.
It's not okay that his family won't stop to help.
It's not okay that he won't teach you to ride a bike.
It's not okay that he doesn't know your favourite foods.
And doesn't know your laugh.
Your smile.
Your kind eyes.
Your daily quirks.

It's not okay and I am sorry.

And I know that that will not take the pain away and the wonder and the curiosity but I do know that you will be okay, we'll be okay.


  1. I hear you - I've been there. 19 years later, I'm still sorry and it's still not right but my child has long ago made his peace with it. Of course your child will be okay. It doesn't have to be inevitable that he will feel abandoned or less worthy - curiosity and some sadness when he happens to think about it - sure. But daily life with you WILL ensure that those thoughts are few and far between - I promise

  2. I have tears in my eyes reading this Jess.
    You are right, it's NOT ok :(