The Damage that is Done

I have had my heart broken on numerous occasions, I have lost true love and have given up countless years but nothing has quite damaged my heart and faith in men as having the father of my child abandon us.

It doesn't feel like heart break, it never really did, we weren't going out for long enough for it to really be love but it hurt like no other pain, it was the ultimate betrayal and it took me a while to be ready to move on.

And only now that I have moved on have I realised the damage that has been done. The way in which my trust has been broken, the way in which my soul has been beaten.

I have irrational daily fears, fears that one shouldn't have because in a normal world real people and real men do not do those things.

They don't just up and leave with no word, it’s normally a build-up and there's a discussion yet here I sit and worry if I'll ever see him again.

Normal people don't send a text saying "enjoy your decision" and then that’s it, so why when I hear my phone going off do I not get excited that it might be a 'melt my heart' text instead  my heart sinks thinking it’s the final word.

Real men love and adore their children not walk away so why when this one tells me he truly cares for my son do I second guess that for another truth that only lies in my head.

Forever scares me or maybe I just can't see it anymore even though it's what I really desire. My stomach drops every time the word love leaves my lips for the fear of rejection still feels so close.

I try hard to explain to people why I took it so hard, why I am still so angry but I can't quite put it into words and mostly because the pain isn't mine, the pain I carry is that of my child, the pain I know he will feel, I carry that in my heart and will every day until forever, and that's a forever I do understand.