Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Truth will Set you Free

The truth will set you free...

I have heard this so many times I don't even think about it any more when it's said and I don't really know what 'truth' they are talking about here.

Maybe to everybody there's a different truth that will set them free.

You could have a dark secret that needs telling.

Maybe you living two lives.

Maybe truth to some is God's truth.

The truth could be your past you have hidden for so long.

The list can go on and on.

I'm looking for my truth, or maybe all those things are my truth and I have to sort them out one by one.
I remember being free once though. I was alone in Cape Town, newly single, chasing my dream, I was independent and answered to no one. My happiness was all I had to worry about.

I don't know if I was truly happy then, maybe you never truly happy, after all happiness is not a destination but an emotion.

What I do know about then, I was Jessie for the first time in my life. I wasn't somebody's girlfriend. I wasn't my brothers little sister. I wasn't the nerd or the drug addict. People there knew me for one thing, me. And they were all happy with just having 'me'.

When I'm here I always feel like I'm fighting to fix my past, trying to become what was expected of me all my life. I am somebodies ex-girlfriend, I'm my brother little sister who got knocked up or Casey's older sister (thank fully these people are mostly to young to understand the just of being a single mom and they just love my baby).

Here I feel like a failure, I am reminded of my screw ups all the time. I don't see a way out here because the past is always knocking on my door.

Here I am expected to manage and be strong enough to get through anything, there I am free to struggle and be pissed off at my situation.

I can phone Claire and tell her my life sucks and that I am not coping and she kindly replies "I know, baby".

I phone friend here and I don't even dare saying it because the response will be "It's your own fault, deal with it."

I am trying to find my truth, I miss that feeling of not happiness but content. I miss enjoying the journey to the destination. I miss the feeling of waking up and not knowing what's going to happen and being okay with it because today is just today and I am going to have fun and live no matter how hard tomorrow is going to be.

1 comment:

  1. I'm a single mom too and my LO is only 3months so that sense of losing some freedom is still raw for me. I love my daughter with my whole being but I miss the time before I stepped into the role of single mom with all of the stigma and heavy duty responsibility attached.