First Christmas

Aiden this is your Crazy family....

Overcoming

A New Year and another chance to get it right.

I guess you could say I have been living in my own little bubble for almost a year now, refusing to accept reality, thinking I could somehow get bits of my old life back. Being naïve about the fact that things have changed forever.

I’ve been so busy holding on to what no longer exists I have been blinded to see what does, I have been selfish and careless towards the people that matter most, the ones who care and are there for me and stupid at not realising the life I could have if I just got off my sorry ass and grabbed it.

For the first time I have let fear keep me from living, I have let certain things consume me and take my soul with it. I have become a zombie who just passes through each day hoping tomorrow will bring about some better life when the one I have is pretty amazing if I look at it.

There is no going back and I shouldn’t want to either.

There is only a future, and that future is mine to build.

I want to go back because I remember being ‘happy’ then, I was free I guess, I remember a version of me that I have somehow lost and that Jessie I want back, but the reality is my situation hasn’t lost her, I have. I have caged myself in and only looked at the negative, I have blocked people out, out of fear of being hurt again, I have given up on dreams instead of finding new ones.

The last year was all about changes, changes I couldn’t control, everything was up and down on a daily basis, nothing stayed the same, my whole life was constantly a roller coaster, and it was one I didn’t want to be on.

This year is also about change, but changes I choose and make because it is going to improve my life, they are going to give me the future I want and need, changes that are going to get ‘me’ back, changes for the better.

I wish I could say I finally saw all this on my own; I am normally good at getting myself out of the holes I get myself into. Not this time though, God played a big hand and always will from now on and with the help of a great person brave enough to call me out on my bull shit, I finally realised that life is what you make of it and running away is not an option and is getting me nowhere.

“The most important thing in life is to stop saying ‘I wish’ and start saying ‘I will’ consider nothing impossible, then treat possibilities as probabilities”

Stigmas

It’s amazing how people have all the answers, how they think their way is the only way to do things. How you must be wrong and can’t possibly know what you are doing.

Being referred to as a single mom continuously and the way people say it drives me made.

Some say it with so much pity in their eyes; I just want to throw something at them. Why do you feel sorry for me, I am just like you, a mom loving and trying to do what’s best for her child.

Then there are those who say it like I must be a slut because I am so young and I deserve to struggle because I should have kept my legs closed, those I would happily lead to a bridge and tell them to jump off it would make the world a much better place. Let’s face it your daughter no matter how well you raised her is probably having sex too and I am going to be cracking myself when you find out you going to be a grandmother.

Then there is the question is it hard being a single mom. Um what do you think? But my actual answer is, it’s hard being a parent, it’s hard being a mom and I don’t know anything different so how can I compare it to anything. Maybe one day when I’m married and I give my husband another child then ask me that but right now this is just my reality, my family is just one member short of yours but I am pretty sure we have the same problems except I have one less, I don’t have to tell someone to put the toilet seat down.

Overall I really am becoming sick of the whole “single mom” label, I am the same as any mom, I can do as good a job as any mother and my child will be just fine. I don’t need pity, I definitely do not need your judgement and your stupid questions make me laugh but seriously they waste my time and I would rather have a conversation that means something, than talk too you just so you can feel a little bit better about yourself because you have a husband or a boyfriend.

Its been a while

I do have many excuses why I haven’t been around for so long but mostly it’s because I’ve been trying to learn how to balance my new life.

Things have happened and things have changed a few times over, I have had to make hard decisions even though they have hurt a few people along the way.

I reached breaking point at one stage, I had tired myself out trying to please everyone and trying to do everything and it all became too much and in the end I had to let people know that I can’t, I just can’t make everyone happy. I need to take care of myself in order to be the best mom I can be.

My boy is already 2 months old, can you believe it. I fall in love with him more and more each day and nothing else matters any more.

It's been way to long, the last month has been a crazy one. With the festive season and a new born baby and living between two homes, it really has all flown by so fast and even I need a recap of what has happened in my life.

Things have become quite hectic and eventually I reached breaking point and am now in the process of regaining control of my life.

It's amazing how everybody wants you when you have a baby. All I want is 5 minutes alone, not from Aiden just from everybody else.

Fuck It

I haven’t written that much since Aiden was born, mostly due to the fact that time really has just disappeared on me and because my blog has fallen into some awful hands.

It’s turned into a place for some to find out the latest gossip, to gauge on my pain and heart ache and to use against me and cause havoc in my life.

Now my blog is about me, about my life, it’s my opinion and my story so not quite sure how people can turn 10 months of writing into a fucking book about them. I honesty don’t give enough of a shit about them to give them that much attention.

So for a while now I have limited what I have written and taken a lot of my life off of it and in the end my heart.

Well I have realised that is fucking crazy.

This is my blog you don’t like it, don’t read it and if you only here to find out stories enjoy because the people who matter already know how I feel, they already know what I’m about to write, this is about how I feel today, what I felt yesterday and how I think I might feel in the future.

It’s the truth, it’s my truth and I am not going to hide it because some people still live in a world of childish games and gossip.

I have overcome enough challenges, seen enough pain, felt enough heartache and been through enough shit in my life not to let anybody have power and control over any aspect of my life.

Through all of this I have had people harass me, send me messages on facebook, telling me I’m a whore and a this and a that. Threatening me and my child and I have kept quiet, I have been the better person and I will continue to do so.

However this is my place of sanity, my place of rescue and I will be damned before I let anybody take anything away from me ever again.

Lack of Blog Posts

First Christmas Tree

 

 

Like Father Like Son

Aidens first trip Quad biking and the Toy Run 2011

Time Eliminated

I think about writing on my blog all day every day and before you know it the day's gone. Then I check again and the weeks gone and then I woke up this morning and realised, oh shit, Aiden is a month today. He's getting so big and so aware of his surroundings and more demanding of my time.

Tired is not quite the word to use about how my body is feeling, exhausted, fatigued or maybe just zombified would be more accurate. Overwhelmed at times, over emotional most of the time and completely in love the rest of the time.

Aiden and I are living between my parents house and D's house, which is great and very hard all at the same time. Packing and unpacking a whole house every time and travelling between Alberton and Benoni is a mission all in itself but it gives Aiden bonding time with his father which is always amazing to watch and D is amazing with him and such a great help and a different four walls to be in is always a good break.

This must be the hardest thing I have ever done but the most rewarding, the last month has flown by and as I try and sit and write all thats happened I realise I can't even tell you. Its been one hell of a roller coaster and I have many hand written posts for you that I'll get up for you all this weekend.

1 Month Today