A New Year and another chance to get it right.
I guess you could say I have been living in my own little bubble for almost a year now, refusing to accept reality, thinking I could somehow get bits of my old life back. Being naïve about the fact that things have changed forever.
I’ve been so busy holding on to what no longer exists I have been blinded to see what does, I have been selfish and careless towards the people that matter most, the ones who care and are there for me and stupid at not realising the life I could have if I just got off my sorry ass and grabbed it.
For the first time I have let fear keep me from living, I have let certain things consume me and take my soul with it. I have become a zombie who just passes through each day hoping tomorrow will bring about some better life when the one I have is pretty amazing if I look at it.
There is no going back and I shouldn’t want to either.
There is only a future, and that future is mine to build.
I want to go back because I remember being ‘happy’ then, I was free I guess, I remember a version of me that I have somehow lost and that Jessie I want back, but the reality is my situation hasn’t lost her, I have. I have caged myself in and only looked at the negative, I have blocked people out, out of fear of being hurt again, I have given up on dreams instead of finding new ones.
The last year was all about changes, changes I couldn’t control, everything was up and down on a daily basis, nothing stayed the same, my whole life was constantly a roller coaster, and it was one I didn’t want to be on.
This year is also about change, but changes I choose and make because it is going to improve my life, they are going to give me the future I want and need, changes that are going to get ‘me’ back, changes for the better.
I wish I could say I finally saw all this on my own; I am normally good at getting myself out of the holes I get myself into. Not this time though, God played a big hand and always will from now on and with the help of a great person brave enough to call me out on my bull shit, I finally realised that life is what you make of it and running away is not an option and is getting me nowhere.
“The most important thing in life is to stop saying ‘I wish’ and start saying ‘I will’ consider nothing impossible, then treat possibilities as probabilities”