Monday, November 7, 2011

Back to the beginning

I went back to my very first post and have seen how far I have come and how much better things already are. If I can get though this I can get through anything.

How it all came to be

2 weeks ago I was starting to plan my awesome birthday bash, now that I was finally in my home city again after a year and a half. It was going to be big and elaborate, tequila watermelon, vodka jelly and jumping castles to name a few of my traditional birthday elements. Literally 4 days later I woke up feeling so nauseous, i did think "pregnant" but brushed it off as, "I cant possibly have symptoms a few days after the stupid night of drunken unprotected sex, right."

Well a few days went by, 4 to be exact, and I almost threw up while making noodle salad (my speciality) for a family function. Then I thought maybe just maybe, being nauseous for 4 days is not normal, lets face it but I still chose to rather believe that I was dieing of some unknown disease and actually wanted to be dieing before being pregnant. My boyfriend and I even joked about it that day....turns out none of it was that funny in the end.

The next morning I woke up to the worst feeling of "food poisoning" I had ever experianced, so I thought let me just have a smoke to settle my stomach..... oh boy, was that a mistake. It was instant, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I could picture myself turning a lovely shade of green and i clicked - OH MY GOD - I MUST BE PREGNANT.

I sent my boyfriend  message that morning telling him I think I need to get tested. Ofcoarse its only been a week so no test would be accurate, but I knew, I just knew I was pregnant. I never struggle with nausea or stomach problems and being nauseous for 6 days would be the worst tummy bug to date but I prayed and I hoped and pleaded with myself that I was just slowly loosing my mind.

I did get some tests, well my mom did, and I finally got the guts to pee on that little plastic stick on the 9th day of came out INVALID, still not sure what the trying to pull with that rubbish. Surely you either have a bun in the oven or not. Giving my boyfriend these results was probably mistake number one. He had a panic attack and told me he wasn't ready for a relationship.... I was like "uh no, you can at least wait for the final results before you decide to take a hike"

A couple days later I was in serious panic mode, because I just had this feeling, I needed to know and I needed to know now... only after you know do you wish you didn't know but by then it's way to late and your whole world seems to change. I knew you supposed to only take the urine test in the morning, I didn't care, when I got home from work that day. I waited patiently till I needed to pee............... and I did it and this faint line in the positive square popped up. I thought I was dreaming so I called my sister in to analyse my plastic pee stick, she's only 17 so not sure what I expected, so we both called my mom, who was busy with a household of guests to come and analyse my plastic pee stick.

"That looks like a line" she said. Everything became a blur, I couldn't breath, I couldn't move and I sure as hell could not believe I had a thing growing inside of me. Tears just started streaming down my face, no not tears, the most unflattering kind of sobs you can ever imagine started pouring out of my panic stricken, pregnant body.

I chose not to enclose this revelation with my already "chicken-shit" boyfriend, as he was picking me up to get a blood test the next day and I think I was trying to convince myself that this stupid little piece of plastic was not going to be the say so of my future. (sadly it is). The next day, I tried to wait calming for the father of my future child to pick me up to go and declare my fate. I got in the car and through the plastic pee stick at him (this was me trying to be calm) and said it's positive. The colour drained from his face so quickly I thought we would never move from that spot again.

We got to the hospital and the nurse asks a whole lot of questions. Eventually I just say, "I did a test and it came out positive" - "Oh, so you just want to know how far along you are!" - uh NO, I want you to tell me it's wrong, that I'm not pregnant and some cruel, cruel person is playing an early April fools joke on you. Alas, that is not reality and the second wait for results come into play.

We went to the closest bar, yes bar, yes I had an alcoholic drink and yes I had a lot of cigarettes but in all fairness you would to. This is where things started going pear-shaped (soon to be my bodies shape to). He started promising me a life time of love and happiness if I just have an abortion. That he would be there for me  through it all and it would only make us stronger. You see he already has 2 children at the age of 24, that he has full custody of and surprisingly he is an amazing father. So this reaction was so far fetched for me to be hearing coming out of his mouth. I told him lets just wait for the results and we'll go from there.

When that nurse said, you 3-4 weeks, those unflattering sobs started up again and this time my life seriously came crashing down around me. I was going to be a mom..... I don't like children, I'm selfish and care free and now I can't even have a damn cigarette without feeling an enormous amount of guilt. I couldn't handle it, I told the BF not to come past as I just couldn't deal with the man who destroyed my world in what a few seconds of drunken pleasure.

The next day we spoke and argued and eventually I just told him, I couldn't do it. I don't judge those who do, but personally I just could not have an abortion. I wish I could, I really do but I just can't. This is how how became single for the time being. We all hoping he will come to his sense's and be a man and accept his responsiblites if not, it will be forced on him by my maintenance lawyer and the wrath of a very scorned, emotional and soon to be fat woman.

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