Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I'm a God-Mother..... what???

Cameron Alexander Marx

This is my God-Son, Cameron, on Monday my best friend of 15 years had her first baby and she has appointed me as God-Mother. I'll say that again, she appointed ME as God-mother, I had to go look up the definition of God-mother. The first thing I said to her was, it's not if something happens to her I get the baby coz imagine something does happen (touch wood) next year I'd be sitting with 2 baby's. She just laughed and said no. Apparently I'm just meant to love the child, spoil it and lead it in the right Godly way and teach it morals and values.... this was my moment to laugh.

Now I'm not a terrible person and I was raised in a Christian home and actually have high morals and values even though my life isn't the greatest example on how to live but seriously what was she thinking. We've been friends for 15 years she knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I'm selfish and I party way to much, I drink, I smoke, I'm so far from stable I have to look up that definition to. This is when it hit me, I'm freaking out about being a God-Mother but in 6 months I'm going to be a real mom. I have to raise a child and chances are I'm going to stuff this up royally.

The more I love this child, the more I realise how I have doomed Peanut from the start and I'm going to have to work twice as hard to try and not damage this child severely. It's being born into a broken home from the start, actually it's never even going to know what a normal family feels like. Yes, he'll have 2 parents but 2 parents who never actually loved each other, not even in a heat of passion did I once utter the words I love you to Darell. So he'll be carted back and forth between 2 familys never quite feeling stable and knowing where he's actual home is. 

Then Peanut will have 2 half sisters, well I say sisters, Darell insists on half-sisters, these labels i can already see causing much stress on a childs heart. As these girls are the apple of Darells eye and they are true daddy's girls. I know Darell will love this child just as much but that daily life of living with someone will be lost and the child will see this. This is my main reason in wanting, no, knowing I have to have a boy coz if it's a girl this bond he has with Ash and KD will destroy my daughters heart and I know this from personal experience as my sister was always daddy's little angel and I was just "not" and I lived in the same house hold.

I will have to think about not only who I date but who Darell dates in the future as these people will effect my child's life to and this could be a tricky thing as I do not want to introduce people to my child who will only stick around for a while and I definitely don't want my child to grow up thinking it's mom is a whore, especially seeing as one day he'll figure out how quickly he was conceived.

Which is another thing, this baby was a mistake, a big one and neither Darell or I tried to hide it. I didn't pretend to be happy or excited, I still don't coz i'm still not really happy about being pregnant. Darell wanted an abortion and I would of to if I had the guts to do it. We were only together for 2 months, how is that for a lesson in morals and abstinence. 

I  guess when's Peanut's old enough to understand right from wrong, I can just say do the opposite of everything mommy and daddy did because holy shit if you follow in our footsteps, you in for a long and difficult road that we only have ourselves to blame for and although  things seem to work out, there's a whole world out there that we won't get to experience because of the decisions we made early on.


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