I wish I could hate you....Why can't I....

On Friday I went for my scan, scans for me are my worst nightmare and my saving grace. I dread them for days before but once I'm in there and I hear that heart beat and see the Peanut, all my walls come down and for that moment I'm truly happy about the situation, I want my baby more than anything and I don't want to leave the doctors office ever.

This one was pretty much the same except for a few minor mishaps thanks to my wonderful choice in jerks and the worst part about this one, I can't seem to hate him. I always protect him with family and friends, damn it even his own family. Why? I have no idea and Friday is the perfect example of this.

My appointment was at 1.45, I told him not to be late, I hate lateness, I was raised by a pack of punctual wolves and there is nothing more disrespectful and rude than being late especially for something important. Now please bear in mind when we still had the hots for each other, he was never late actually he was always so early I normally hadn't even started to get ready yet. I guess making babies is more fun than watching the ones you have made grow inside the woman you abandoned. My sister was with me and this is where the protection begun, instead of swearing and ranting and raving which I am the queen of doing, I was standing there making excuses for him. He arrived at 2!

I'll give him credit for paying the doctors bill which is a whooping R400 a pop which is to much of a mission claiming back from the Medical Aid who find it hilarious to only re-emberse u with half the money. So I have just been paying the bills on behalf of my wonderful medical aid. But then he goes and sits on the opposite side of the waiting rooms, this creating the people to stare in shock and horror as they realise I've obviously been knocked up and he is just fulfilling the duties he is obligated to fulfill. As a result of being late other patients have been allowed in front of us on the list and we have to wait in this pure uncomfortable state of tolerance for nearly an hour.

We finally get called in, and they weigh me, I lost 2 kgs, for the first time I was shocked at loosing weight and worried about it but thats okay as a result to the weight loss everybody around me is basically forcing food down my throat and by my next appointment in 3 weeks I'll be as big as a house. Back to point the man I wish I could hate even just a little is actually being nice. We always have gotten along really well and have the same type of humour and our conversations normally are a tit for tat, crude, sharp tongue kind of commentary that goes on between us but I love this and reminds me for a second why I actually jumped into bed with this moron, he makes me laugh in the worst situations.

We see the baby, it's a perfect moment, I hear the heart beat, tears roll down my cheeks, it's moving so much the doctor complains he can't get any good shots, we can't see what it is yet but at that point in time it didn't matter. My baby was alive and kicking and everybody finally seemed to be getting along.

As we were walking out the hospital he politely asked me where I parked, I had parked in the parking across the road, he seemed worried about this and went quiet. his confused me for about 20 seconds, when I saw what he was trying to hide. Her, his ex-girlfriend who he has chosen to be with again. Now you probably thinking I'm just being a jealous bitch but really I'm not I'll tell you a few of this womans finest moments. This is the mother of his 2 little girls I told you about that he has raised. She abandoned her 3 month old first born to go off and party with another man but she came back a year later and got pregnant again. Which didn't keep her around. She comes and goes out of these little girls lifes as she pleases, never worked a day in her life, dabbles in and out of a life of cocaine and partying, attacked Darells mother and attacked me in front of her little girls. Cheated on Darell numerous times. This is the woman he has chosen to be with, and chose to bring along for what is supposed to be a happy moment in my life and apparently I'm supposed to be okay with at some point leaving my baby in this womans care. After all this, he tries to turn the cards on me and make me feel like it's all my fault and I still can't seem to hate him or be angry at him. He still has the power to break my heart and hurt me and for some strange reason I still care enough to protect him.