I'm going for my next scan on Friday, the excitement is quite strange. I'm praying every time I think of it that we find out what it is and that it will be a boy but on top of this is this worry, this panic, this terrible feeling that he's going to tell me somethings wrong, that there's no heart beat, that I've lost the baby. This has happened before all my scans. Nightmares, stress, every pain or cramp or new symptom I somehow turn into a reason that proves something is wrong.
I know I might just be paranoid but what if I loose it because I haven't said out loud I want it. What if God decides I'm not ready for a baby which I'm clearly not but it's here and as much as I don't want this all I want is to hold my baby in my arms. The funny thing is I do this in every aspect of my life, I act like I don't want something, or like I don't feel something or need someone because that way when it breaks, fails or goes away the pain is not that bad, on the outside that is.
I've done this my whole life, with family, friends, relationships, work and even personal projects. It's even worked for all these things but I know it won't for this, if my nightmare had to come true, I don't think I would cope. You all probably thinking I should stop stressing myself, that everything is fine and I'm just driving myself crazy but isn't it better to prepare yourself for every outcome.
I keep telling myself my tummy wouldn't be growing if something was wrong, I wouldn't still be getting morning sickness and I wouldn't still be so fatigued but even after that I have this feeling, that something is wrong. I'm hoping this feeling is just some kind of natural motherly nature kicking in and this is my worried mom syndrome taking effect, coz I do love my baby even though I'm not ready for it.