Becoming a mother has come with the greatest love I have ever experienced to some of the toughest challenges and a new found worry and guilt over every decision I make.
I love waking up next to my beautiful boy and waking up looking at his perfect little face is the perfect way to start each day.
Lack of sleep and dirty diapers are nothing when put next to the amount of joy Aiden has brought into my heart and my life.
Along with all this love and happiness I guess naturally comes the worry and confusion if you doing everything to the best of your ability. The feeling if you a good enough mother and the feeling of failure every time you don’t get something right.
Another thing is I never really had much experience with kids before my own so it’s a completely new world to me while everyone around me seems like such a natural which makes the insecurities so much more.
My biggest sadness has been the fact that I had to stop breast feeding, I think a lot of people think it’s because of laziness but I really tried and I really loved doing it but I knew I wasn’t given Aiden what he needed and that means more to me than anything I need.
I guess the biggest problem came in when I got sick and ended up in hospital and didn’t feed for almost 2 days and then it also slowed my already low supply of milk.
I ended up bottle feeding and breast feeding, which really took its toll as every feed I ended up having to breast feed and bottle feed and every body constantly telling me how he must still be hungry because I wasn’t giving him enough milk.
I know they all said it with good intentions but I guess the tears that came down when they walked out the room were unseen.
It was a hard choice but it has been one I had to make and it was in the best interest of my son. It’s broken my heart, it took me about 10 minutes to actually swallow that little pill, I just sat there with it in my hand, wondering if it was what was best, I fed him one last time and swallowed.
I guess to every one this will seem silly and I’m going to have a lot more harder decisions to make for Aiden and I in the future but this is all new to me, I’m still learning and even though I have the most amazing support structure around me and amazing people in my life. I’m still doing this on my own and through it I’m finding a strength I never knew existed inside me.
Jess this post takes me back to when Zoe was a newborn and I was also forced to stop. It broke my heart and no-one understood why! If you need to chat please mail me?
ReplyDelete*HUG*
ReplyDeleteJust the breastmilk he did get is already a way good start - anything is better than none. Giving up breastfeeding is such a big step - and well done for putting Aiden's needs over your own wants... that's what a true, wonderful mother does.
You will always be questioning whether you are doing things right, for the rest of your life. I think that as long as you are questioning, you're doing it right :)
Keep learning, keep watching and loving, and every day just being amazed by him in a whole new way xxx
Lots of the decisions you make will not be right or wrong. Just accept them as YOUR decisions for Aiden as his mommy.
ReplyDeleteLots of motherhood is muddling through and forgiving yourself for the errors of judgement. As long as you LOOOOOOOVE Aiden, he will be great!
Love you and I think you are doing a great job!