As hard as it is

It's hard.

It really is.

Being a single mother sucks at the best of times.

I sometimes wonder how I get through certain days. Some just seem like a blur of craziness and emotions. I get tired, I pray someone will take Aiden for longer than he's playful, change his nappy, feed him, and put him to sleep, just so I can have a bath, take a power nap or maybe even read a chapter of a good book.

I want to be able to hand Aiden over and say, "Hey, it's your turn, you deal with it." I can't. He's my child, there is only one parent and he's my sole responsibility.

Easy way to tell when I'm burning out is watching how I look, I'm normally groomed from head-to-toe, and the last few weeks you can easily see the tough part of motherhood whipping my ass.

The bags under my eyes, the grey looking skin, leaving the house in really unattractive track pants and no make-up, unwashed hair as greasy as a second used frying pan (thank God for Dry Shampoo).

With studying and having crazy deadlines for work and looking after Aiden 27/7 is wearing me down, I am turning into a zombie.

But as hard as it is there is only one way and that is forward.

There certain things you have to remember in this situation, certain things you have to keep reminding yourself of.

As much as you don't understand certain choices of others, it doesn't matter because that little boy looks at with pure love and joy.

He wants you and nobody else.

You the face he looks for in the crowd.

You the one who gets to tuck him in at night and wake up to the perfection of that innocent smile.

You get to witness all the firsts and take pride in watching him grow.

As tired as you get and as crap as you look, tomorrow is always a new day to make a change and try again.

You have to remember to not forget who you are, yes a mother, but still a person, best advice I ever got is "If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of your child." This one is forgotten often.

Aiden started to clap his hands this weekend, you clap then he claps. He does it and turns to look at you just to make sure you looking and when you smile with pride he gets the biggest grin on his face and his eyes light up and in those moments, it doesn't matter how tired you are or how bad you look, it doesn't matter that you do it alone, those moments are perfection, happiness, a moment stuck in time and a reminder of a love so strong that nothing can break it.