I never dreamed of being a mom, some woman do, my sister just wants to have babies I don't even think she cares about finding a husband, she has always wanted babies. Some woman are born mothers, some woman believe it's our purpose like my best friend, some woman don't stress about it and just know it will all come naturally and it does for them. Because I never dreamed about it and never really wanted it, I haven't really ever thought about what it is to be a mom.
Now I know I'm going to love my child so much it hurts, I already do. I also know, as shitty as this situation is I'm not going to want to go back and change it and I know at some point I'll realise this was all worth it and that's great but I still don't quite know what it means to be a mom and a good one at that. I guess there is no right or wrong way and all mothers do the best they can and they instill the morals and values they were brought up with into there kids. All mothers are different, thank God else we would all be boring lemmings and we would never feel good about ourselves because at some point you'll think well at least I do that part of mothering better than her.
I have an amazing mother, she doesn't think so and no matter how many times we tell her this she still thinks she has done it all wrong. Granted her 2 oldest, my brother and I, are wild ones and have made the stupidest decisions and have lived rather crazy lives for our young ages but my sister is 17 and has made it 17 without touching a smoke, can count on one hand the amount of times she had to much to drink, won't go near weed even when offered by us and the thought of drugs makes her so angry. She's still in school and sex equals baby now so we have that covered. Even with mine and my brothers antics we turned out to be amazing people if I say so myself and wouldn't swop any part of my childhood for anything. My mother loved unconditionally, she fed and clothed us, worked hard to make sure we got the best education and tried to give us all the extra activities we could afford. She threw the best birthday parties and didn't moan much about our messy rooms and she was there no matter what we did wrong time and time again.
We didn't have many rules growing up and expressing our selves was who we are, we either did our homework or we didn't, we slept at friends when we wanted and were always allowed to have people over. Our discipline, or at least how I see it now, is knowing right from wrong, which we all do. All three of us are loyal people, we honest and generous and we love with everything we have. We are non-judgmental, stealing isn't a question and lies are kept to little white lies to safe the feeling of those we love the most. We are good people, with good hearts and it shows.
Now I think my mom got this spot on, I don't regret any of my bad choices, I know it sounds cliche', but I had fun doing all of them, learnt a great deal from every fuck-up and from it have become who I am. Now under no circumstances will I allow my child to get away with the things I did, simply because it's harder and it makes getting what you want in life harder. My son will finish school in school, if he gets kicked out I'll put him in another one, home schooling isn't an option. He'll play sports because it's healthy and teaches discipline that I know I won't be able to give him because I'm a free spirit and I hate boxes and rules. He'll love music all music, I love that, I got it from my dad, I love old music and new music, my brother loves punk and rock which I've partied to mostly, my sister is a pop princess, my mom bops around to the Bee Gee's and Kate Bush. So music is a must and art as well. He must know a Van Gogh from a Picasso (yes there are people who don't). Racism is not allowed and he must know about all cultures and seeing as he'll be living in what looks like a library, reading is essential, I don't care if it's flimsy writing for the soul who loves easy reading as long as he can take information in that doesn't come in the form of tv and a computer screen and not a kindle either, a book with pages and that smells like new or old.
These are the things I want him to know and do, to love and cherish, these are the things I gained from my childhood, besides the discipline and schooling system, but all that said, I still don't know what it is to be a mom. I still can't comprehend how I am going to do this in a few months. I'm not ready, not by a long shot and chances are, I'm not going to get this right by most people's standards. I am going to try though.