Normally when life throws me lemons I make a double vodka and lemonade, with this batch of lemons I stupidly chose to eat them just the way they are. I started bringing some of my unpacked boxes home and my mom said finally its already June and it hit me. I've been back home for 6 months already and I've accomplished nothing except self-pity and have been wallowing in my own problems and have been oblivious to those around me.
I have been a bad friend, daughter, sister and employee. I have forgotten who I am and what I have always strived to be. I thought I disappointed people when I came home pregnant but I think I've disappointed more by how I have handled it. I became the woman I always promised I would never become. I let my situation control my life instead of just controlling the situation. I can't run from it and there is no hiding so I have no idea what I was trying to achieve.
I turned down peoples encouragement and kind words. I stopped talking and replying to the people who cared enough to reach out and blocked myself from a world that I should be extremely lucky to have. My best friend just had a baby 3 weeks ago, she's married and has a mortgage and was excited about her baby from the beginning and even doing it the right way she is struggling and does all the child care basically and I realised how lucky I truly am. I'm in a house of 7 people, my mom who has had 3 kids, my gran who has had 5, my maid who has had 4 and a sister who is amazing with babies. All of them so excited for my baby and ready to help out in every way possible so when I need an hour just to have a bath and shave my legs it's probably more possible for me than a normal married woman.
I work for my dad, who has given me everything I have ever wanted and have all the opportunities to still make my dreams come true. I can do a label if I want, I can do full time graphic design if that's what I choose, I can do the online marketing or start my own promotions company. actually I could do it all if I just got off my ass and started doing it. There's no one stopping me except myself, they have offered this and more. He's even allowed me to work half day with the same salary just so I'll smile a little bit more. This is my future, my child's future and I've taken it for granted, I've been watching our family company slowly crumble because of bad economy instead of pulling up my socks and giving it my all and turning it into a business I will one day own.
I forgot along the way that only you can make you happy, and only you can make your dreams come true, you choose the people in your life and you choose to make your life full and worth while. Life is full of up's and down's, if it's not one challenge it's another, that's just the way it goes. I've chosen misery and let go of my dreams, I let the people who don't matter and don't care control me and I decided what I got in life I didn't want even when there was no other choice. I can't do it anymore, because if I do soon it will be to late to pick up the pieces and now I don't just have myself to explain to.