Monday, June 6, 2011

You reading me wrong

This isn't directed at anybody in particular, just like the rest of my blog, I guess I just feel I need to explain myself seeing as a quite a few have told me this week to stop playing victim. Now before you all start getting upset and start calling and smsing, I'm not in attack mode, bitch mode, I'm not even emotional. I'm calm and collected as I write this and I know you all are coming from a place of love and worry.

Let's begin with my blog as it's the main source for information in my life for most as in person I'm walled in and rarely speak about my emotions and problems. When I started this blog it was anonymous and only available to a few of my closest friends and family, it was the only way I could release in my crazy upside down world, it was basically an online journal into my heart that I was sharing with those who cared or were interested enough to read it. It's my free therapist, my world to release my anger and sorrow and I do remember warning everybody about the fact that it won't be cute and fluffy for a while. If you ever found my journals growing up and had the joy of reading them, you wouldn't find my good days and fondest memories, you would find my worst days and saddest self. I guess falling into this trap of only finding inspiration to write when I'm in my worst emotional state and my darkest days has led everybody to believe I'm this somber, miserable and self-pitying brat. Let's face it I am funnier in this state of mind and my sarcasm is at it's best but I know understand that that's all you have been seeing and why I've been bom barded with worried siblings, kind friends and even people who are practically strangers telling me to wake up and find some roses to smell.

So today I'm going to let you in on a few of those roses and hopefully your perceptions of me will soften. The last 4 weeks I have been training with my mom doing type setting and graphic design. You see it is amazing money and I actually enjoy doing it. My plan is to become good enough to bring in my own clientelle so by next year this time I will be completely self employed and working from home, also it will be the capital for my kid's label I am starting to design. Now when I found out I was pregnant I went into such a dark whole I was walking around like a zombie and my dad was pretty much paying me for being on the net all day so this is a great stride in waking up and sorting my head out.

Dwelling on the fact that all the men I choose are complete assholes has also changed because 90% of my friends are male and they have all been amazing during this time and are so excited for my baby. I've let go of Darell and have forgiven him for myself mostly but also because my child will love him unconditionally and I don't want to be the cause of any pain towards my child. With this came the peace that if he is there then that's great but if he isn't then that's also fine, just like the fact that he hasn't called in 3 weeks to find out if I'm still alive but wants to come to the scan on Friday, not saying I'll never bitch about him again but I've taken away the power of him being able to hurt me.

Peanut, I love with all my heart already and I can't wait to find out what the little monster is on Friday so I can start creating the dream nursery and really start pre-paring for his arrival. I am excited and in no way do I wish him gone. Although I'm scared out of my mind and not ready to raise a child, I have accepted it and I am ready to alter my life to give him the best life I possible can.

Along with all this, being completely sober and off the party scene for 4 months has really helped me find myself again, find my family and the friends who mean the most and who I actually want and need in my life. I go to church every Sunday and funny enough these are the people who have accepted my situation the most and have judged me the least. I'm a youth leader on Fridays and helping guide young teens from keeping far away from the paths I chose in life makes all my mistakes worthwhile. I've even gone as far as forgiving my ex before Darell who I was with for 5 years and ended really badly and we are friends again and it's an amazing feeling because no matter what he did, he knows me better than most and he knows exactly how I'm feeling and why I'm taking all of this so hard.

So you see, I know most of my posts are gloom and doom and I can see why most think I'm a selfish, ungrateful bigit but I am sorting myself out one step at a time and I am excited about the life growing inside me. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm just making my way through the tunnel and some parts of it are really dark and twisted. So please bare with me and my jaded writings. I'm doing the best I can.

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