Thursday, June 2, 2011

I'm sorry for not being an excited mother

It must sound like I moan all the time and I'm just one of those whiny people who complain about my awful share in life and that I'm an ungrateful bitch for not being a ray of God damn sunshine and a bubble of excitement for my expecting child. Here are the things that really irritate the shit out of me when people tell me to keep my chin up and get off my high horse, these are the examples they use.

1. You not the only woman in this situation there are thousands of single moms out there that have been deserted by there man.

This must be the most common one and I've heard it a hundred times. Do people think I do not know this, I personally know a lot of "single mothers," I actually do live in the same world as the rest of you. But here's the thing - just because they've all been through this, just because I've watched some of them personally go through it and just because another hundred woman will go through it after me, DOESN'T make it any easier for me Because I'm not them, I'm going through it now and not every situation is the same and not everybody's feelings and how they deal with things are the same. Oh and I don't like this "single mom" label, am I less of a mom because I'm single, will my child have less of a childhood, because I don't have a man by my side am I only half woman and mother. I am not strong because I'm becoming a "single-mother" I'm strong because I'm becoming a MOTHER, just like every other mother in the world. We all have obstacles and trials, we all have good and bad, we all strong because how can you not be after being blady pregnant for 9 months!

2. It's a miracle of life growing inside you

Another, how can you possibly think I don't know this, comment. I know it's growing inside of me, it's sucked everything good right out of me and deep down I know it is a miracle, I do actually love my baby, even if it's hard to see that at times but it was also a mistake that has taken my entire life away from me and guess what I actually also know it was my mistake, nobody else's, so no need to remind me, I don't blame my upbringing, or the baby's father, shit I don't even blame my precious baby, I blame myself. Sometimes I really don't know how I could be so stupid but I was and I'm dealing with it the best way I know how - which the scary fact is I DON'T KNOW HOW.

3. Well it's your fault for getting drunk and having unprotected sex

This touches on the last statement a bit - Um OBVIOUSLY!!! Like you've never done it, you were either smart enough to by the morning-after pill or just lucky enough not to have fell pregnant or maybe your man wasn't as blady fertile as mine. Either way, I know it's my fault and maybe when you remind of this fact take the underlying tone that I'm a complete slut out of your voice, you've had sex to!

4. It's part of God's plan

I grew up in a Christian home, and I am a Christian believe it or not and I am a very faithful person. This is why I know this statement can't possibly be correct. Somehow I don't see God planning for me to have drunken, unprotected sex with a guy of 2 months who I didn't even once tell I loved him, then to fall pregnant so the ass could leave me, so I could give birth to a child and bring him into a broken family from day 1. This doesn't make sense and if they are right. Then sorry to say God has a very sick sense of humour.

5. It's obviously meant to be

There is no fate and meant to be's, you make decisions and the are consequences for your decisions. I had sex and a baby was made. It wasn't magic or God or some outer universe star sequence it was simple biology.

People seem to think telling me this shit, especially on my bad days, is I dunno, going to make me feel better or all of a sudden go "ooooooh" and "aaaaaah" at baby things and the thought of being a mom is going to bring some inner peace and my world will just fall into place. They unfortuantly wrong, it just drives me mad and makes me think how naive can people be, yes I'm going to love my child, and I'll probably enjoy being a mother and I'll make it work but it doesn't mean that this is a good thing for me, the baby or the people around me. It's hard now and it's just going to get harder when the baby is out. A baby is only cute till it has a shitty diaper or vomits in your hair, right.

1 comment:

  1. Can I just say that I don't even know you but I am super proud of you. Most girls in your situation would have marched their asses in to Marie Stopes and taken the easy way out.
    It's hard, it's really really hard and I think you're really brave (albeit a bit miserable right now). Just know that you're doing the right thing and it will get better. You're stronger than you think you are, and you will get to that warm, fuzzy feeling and then it will never go away and you actually won't give a damn about anything else.

    PS I don't really understand the term "single mother", as even with a husband, I tend to do 95% of the baby stuff on my own anyway. Sometimes I want to be a single mother so I have one less child to worry about x