Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I wish you never came back

I think it would be a less lonely pregnancy if Darell never came back, he hasn't done anything wrong. He comes to the scans and pays his half. He phones or texts everyday and is truly excited about his son. Seeing him however just makes me realise I'm doing this alone even if he is there when he "needs" to be. It reminds me that I don't have someone to share this with, to be excited with, to choose cots and prams with.

It feels like marriage without the benefits, divorce without the hate, friendship without the care, a business deal at most, a means to an end and a 'have to' not a 'want to.' This is what I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life with a smile on my face. Birthdays, sports days, Christmas's, Easter...every other weekend. Everytime I see him it's a slap in the face because I always remember how he treated me and there's nothing I can do, I have no choice but to forgive and try forget. I can't refuse to see him. I can't hate him. He pays nothing for what he did, he just receives all the joy from being the father with no guilt or care in the world towards me.

Don't know if you realised I'm having one of "those" days, I wish I could take prozac, I think they should invent an anti-depressant for pregnancy. I'm hating pregnancy at the moment. Yesterday my doctor told me, "Now is the best part of your pregnancy, enjoy it, he's growing and you are growing." Exactly I'm growing, I've never felt so unattractive before, my beautiful wardrobe is worthless now and I'm worried I'll never get into anything again. My back aches so bad I basically lie down on people's couches when I go visit. My legs cramp and it feels like I've been to gym every night this week, my ankles swell so much I get stuck in my boots, my hair, my poor hair, it's like straw I just want to cut it all off. I lie awake with heart burn for about 2 hours before my body is so exhausted I just pass out. I pee every 5 minutes which drives me crazy and I still have 4 months to go!

1 comment:

  1. walking here with a smile.. have a nice day ~ =D

    Regards, (A Growing Teenager Diary) ..