I'm having one of those days, when I could possibly take a whole bottle of sleeping pills and never wake up again or at least until my life is somebody else's. In general, yes, I've moved forward and grown and changed and accept my life and at times I'm even excited but every now and then the reality of my life slaps me in the face and all that progress seems to disappear.
I'm having a child, a living, breathing child in like 3 months. Not a toy or a trial run, an actual child that is mine and that I have to look after and raise. Holy shit, who am I kidding, I can't do this, I haven't even pre-pared for this, I don't even have a cot or a bottle. F*ck I don't have somebody to help change diapers and get him in and out of the car. How am I actually going to pull this off.
As much as I think it would be easier for me if Darell wasn't there, he is and I have no reason to chase him away or not allow him near my son. And to be honest, I know I shouldn't feel that way at all. I'm lucky to have some one willing to pay for more than his half and help put up light fittings and curtain rails in the nursery. He always phones or text's to find out how I'm doing. Other than not working out we actually have a good relationship and it shouldn't even bother me that we didn't work out because we were only together for 2 months so under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be heart broken and would be over it in a week.
For the first time ever, I have bills, bills piling up. I"ve never had a credit card or clothing accounts or anything of that nature. I live off what I can afford, that is not so true anymore. I have doctors bills now that my medical aid savings have run out and the R800 a month for the doc is on me and my blood tests bill came, once or twice and now it's "Final Notice" in big red ink. I haven't even calculated what I still owe, I'm to scared and I have to start actually getting things for the baby that's coming.
I've never been fat and I regret ever thinking I was, my belly grows over night and I've never been so uncomfortable, my boobs are getting way to big for my liking and my ass is finally growing. I've never felt less unattractive, undesirable and unsexual in my entire life. Everything a man finds attractive in a woman becomes a machine equipped to grow and deliver and nurture a baby.
I really hate working with family and I know how lucky I am and I know how many opportunities I have but I'm tired of looking at the same people from when I wake up to when I go to bed. I love you guys but I'm suffocating here. I can never tell my boss "F*ck You, I'm resigning" coz I have to share a dinner table with him in the evening, because the guilt of not wanting what they offering is to much to take.
I'd happily be a receptionist some where, some smart person's PA, I'd happily do that for now because at least it will be something different, something I can call my own. So I can interact with other people so that when I come home at night I'm excited to tell everybody about my crappy day and how I hate my boss.
For the first time ever, I really want normal. I just want a normal, socially correct life. High School, collage, marriage, kids and a frikkin mortgage.