So much has happened the last few weeks, so much has been said, I've been through so much and seen so much and experienced so much. I've realised who is important, who is not, who deserves my love and who is a waste of time. I realised people come and go and who I must fight for in my life and what matters most and what is going to make me happy.
My little trip into the townships a few weeks ago really opened my eyes to how much I have and how much I really have to be grateful for. I now know that I could live with loosing everything except my family and my baby. I learnt that I have found amazing people in my life who have only known me for a few months but have been there for me like they've known me forever. I see my opportunities that I have been wasting for so long and that I have all the means to make my dreams come true.
Ever since Peanut started moving, the excitement and love has been growing, yes fear to but he really is my only priority and is my life now and it's my job to protect and love and make sure he feels nothing less. I hate being pregnant but I wouldn't take it back for anything in the world.
Really, having a baby with someone you were with for only 2 months is crazy and I trusted him and his character because he's best friends with my best friends husband. Now he's not a bad guy, really not as horrible as everybody thinks, yes he bailed but he did come back which let's face it not many men if any ever do. However, I really don't know how I didn't see how unstable and crazy his life is or maybe I chose not to, they say love is blind or maybe lust is blind.
At this point I don't care if he's there or not and I'm actually thinking it would be better for everyone including my son if he wasn't. It's not him directly more the entire situation around him and he's choice not to get out of it. He's lady is crazy, I seriously think she might be bi-polar, her mother is so there is a great chance she is to. She plays these mind games with everybody and uses her 2 beautiful girls as warfare and everybody is just sitting there and allowing this to happen. I refuse to be part of it anymore and I am from this day on removing myself from the situation completely. The stress and anxiety is just to much and my son will not be damaged in the way those 2 girls are being damaged now.
I am looking into getting a restraining order against her as she has threatened me and my son and I have made it perfectly clear to Darell that she is the only reason he'll struggle to see his son. It's such a mess I really couldn't actually sit and explain, all I can say is I have never seen one small girl with nothing completely destroy an entire family and a strong man's life like this one.
As I said though I have one priority and that's my son, I can't fight for anyone else, I can't save the world or take away anybody's problems. I don't need love from those who aren't honest and true, I don't need friends who only want me when I'm fun and wasted. I don't need judgement or rule books. I don't need normal and conformity. I need family, real friends and my son. Everything else can fall away and as long as I have there love I know I'll be alright.