Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Truth Hurts

I want to start off by saying I love my son, I love him more than anything in the world, I never knew I was capable of loving anything or anyone so much but I do.

I would do anything for him, I would die for him this very second if I needed too, I would die for him just if it guaranteed him a life of happiness.

I feel guilty for ever feeling I never wanted him during my pregnancy.

And for the past 11 weeks I have felt guilty and have hidden the fact that I am suffering from post-natal depression.

I guess I was wishing I was dreaming it, I was hoping it would just disappear, it comes and goes you see, some days, even most days it doesn't even effect me so I was just shrugging it off as a bad day.

I really worried about getting it during my pregnancy and it isn't an easy thing to say out loud.

Maybe it's because a lot of peoples reactions are that you are a bad mom, that you love your child less but that isn't the case.

I'm finding myself struggling to be me, with a baby. I don't know how to have a life and be a mom. I don't know how to see my future when right now everything is such a mess. Every night before I go to bed I always say tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I'll wake up and be me again. Tomorrow I'll be happy.

It doesn't work that way.

Yesterday was breaking point for me, from chest pain from anxiety attacks to crying over absolutely everything, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do any of it. I couldn't be what everyone expected me to be.

My mom forced me to go to a psychologist today, my old one from when I was about 16. I think it took me a total of 2 minutes before I melted into her couch with uncontrollable tears and fear.

She told me straight away PND and also said my situation is a little bit on the screwy side and not many people would of even made it this far. I will admit telling somebody the full story about everything that's happened and what's been going on was like a hundred weights being lifted off of me.

It's real and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's another part of my crazy journey that I have to overcome and I am going to be open and honest about it.

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